Haiku Thursday - Hiatus edition

I think Christmas eats

Have stretched my tummy too far

And so, me want food.

Oh, hi guys! Hey, Miss Soft Crab is on hiatus until January 23rd. But don't worry, there are 343 posts here that you can read if you are missing your Crabs.

Here are a some of my favourite ol' posts (in chronological order) randomly selected by my brain:

The best thing about most things

It's called a fucking eggplant

How much is enough?

Things that blow my mind: Nose jobs (PM)

2011 - The year that was

It's Miss Soft Crab's final post for the year! Or is it??!! Look, it pretty much is. It is definitely Miss Soft Crab's last substantial post for the year. And naturally, we are feeling a little reflective. To mark the occasion, we decided we would abandon our usual AM/PM format and look back over the year, Miss Soft Crab chat style.


K: So 2011.The year that was.

J:  What did you think?

K:  Well, it was a pretty nice year really. But over all too soon.

J:  Or over at just the right time? Who can say? I liked how Miss Soft Crab was born.

K:  Oh, that was the best. But I guess I just feel like I  feel when I watch an hour long episode of a TV show on DVD. It should go for an hour, but in reality it's just 40 minutes. It feels like this year went real fast, like TV shows on DVD do. But I love that MSC was born.

J:  Oh, yeah I hate the way hour long shows only go for 40 mins on DVD. Do you think you feel that way because Miss Soft Crab feels like it should be a year old but is only 9 months?

K:  Oh no. I just feel like it was only yesterday we came in to the city on Christmas eve so we could buy lipsticks for one another for Christmas. Don't you?

J:  Oh yeah. And ate dumplings at the Oriental Tea House. Man, what a good one.

K:  Yes!

J:  What was your highlight for this year?

K:  It's been a sweet year. Mexico and NYC were awesome. MSC is awesome. I really love that $60 dress I bought from the Alpha 60 sale. What about you mate?

J:  Oh yeah! I loved San Fran and NYC! I loved the birth of MSC! I loved TOYS and dinner at the Estelle. I loved Baby learning to walk and talk.

K:  Baby. Being born in 2010 was great, but being so cute in 2011 was even better.

J:  Ha! You said it. Or something. They were both awesome. What was your low light of the year?

K:  Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I watched it on DVD last night and it sucked so hard!

J:  Oh really? I didn't see it but I heard it was good. I don't care. I am going to see it.

K:  It's basically about a chimpanzee cult leader who doesn't know a good thing when he's on to it (Franco). What was your low light?

J:  Um, sounds awesome. So I guess my low lights were that haircut I got from my ex-hairdresser and Battle Los Angeles and um I can't really think of anything else.

K:  #charmedlife. Hey, hash tags were a highlight of 2011

J:  #yousaidit. And realising what we had been missing out on before joining Twitter was a low light. Did anyone other than Osama and Kim Jong Il die that we should commemorate?

K: Whoa, great question. Lets see. Amy Winehouse! Jobsy! 

J: Oh shit. I should have remembered those. They were defo sad. RIP guys. You both did some awesome stuff.

K:  Totally. RIP, awesome friends.

J:  I'm sad you died. Especially Amy. No disrespect Jobsy. 

K:  ***None taken, J ********** Is what I imagine Jobsy would say if he spoke to you through the computer. 

J: Hey, seeing Die Antword and  MIA were also highlights

K:  Totally. Die effing Antword.

J:  Yeah. Such good ones.

K:  So, I think we just need to say that really, it's been a pretty nice year for us, and I hope it's been a nice year for the Crab community too.

J:  Yeah. Yeah! it has been a nice year for us. And hopefully for everyone. I hope next year is a totally awesome one for everyone too!

K:  Inshallah. Right now, I just want Jack and Colleen to sing Merry Christmas!

 

Haiku Thursday: Christmas Edition (PM)

Christmas Brain

I

One of us is still 

On game. It's not me though, not

My brain. It's checked out.

II

I'd love to dazzle  

You one last time with haiku

In this year, but no. 

Haiku Thursday: Christmas Edition (AM)

Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a few Christmas food themed Haiku, right?
Yeah!

Ode to an Oyster

I

Little grey shelled friend

Crazy was the man or beast

Who first tasted you.

II

But the joke's on us

'Cause you make all the other 

Things taste like boring.

III

Seriously, though

You taste so fine. Like making

out with Posiedon. 

IV

I'm going to eat 

You and so many of your

Friends this Christmas. Soz. 

Gingerbread

I

A little bit bread

A little bit ginger, with 

A fully sick taste.

II

I would trade all the

Loaves and all the fishes for

One sweet taste of you.

 

 

The Christmas list (PM)

I don't even want to talk about Love Actually, I hate it so much. I watch it only as long as I have to in order to cop a look at Liam Neeson because he is so damn fine, then I totally turn it hell off.

You know what else I hate so much? Inexperienced CBD pedestrians, messing up my purposeful walking. Get the eff out of my effing way, people. Don't you know how to walk in a central business district? Quickly and purposefully, that's how! There is no time for stopping the flow of traffic and looking both ways while you figure out where you want to go. You want to waste my time? I will waste YOU slow peds!

Sorry to be such a scrooge guys, but inexperienced peds really get me down.

Thats all.

The Christmas list (AM)

  
So it's Christmas time! And look, that lamb up there is having the best time! Mary has that 'I am kind of high and out of it because I just gave birth' face. And those three wise men, they look like they are snickering at Joseph for being a cuckold.

Well that's Christmas for those guys. But for me, here are some things I like about this time of year.

1. The smell of Christmas trees! Probably mainly because of...

2. Positive childhood associations which mean I kind of have this nice feeling inside.

3. Some holidays. Man, time off work! I love that shiz!

3. Some sunshine. On a good day.

5. Mangoes.


Yeah, all those things aren't necessarily Christmas related but they all happen at this time so to me they are related.

But with the good comes the bad.

1. Love Actually is always on television. It's always frigging on. Well at least from next year that awful looking new film called New Year's Eve will no doubt be on instead.

2. It's so freaking busy. Trying to get all your work done before going on holidays, present buying, trying to see loved ones. It's hard. And over that nice feeling of positive childhood associations is a film of stress.

3. Deceptive weather. I think it's always going to be warm with lots of sunshine but some days it's cold! Freaking cold.I've worn full body pyjamas to bed at least twice in the last week alone.

4. All the shopping makes me feel a bit sick. I love it. I hate it. I love it. I hate it. I love it. I hate it.

5. ...

Hey, I think I only have four worst things about Christmas! I'm not so crabby after all.

An open letter to Terry Gross, postscript (or PM)

PS. Terry Gross, I pretty much agree with everything K said right here. I love listening to Fresh Air. I'm doing it right now! But you know what, I actually don't think you necessarily make all your guests lovely, but I kind of love that. Like when you interviewed Joseph Gordon-Levitt I was all ready to love that guy, 'cause, you know, I kind of love that guy. But he just seemed like a dude, a little bit nice, a little bit annoying. Like a regular dude. That's one of the best things about your show, Terry Gross, less sheen of publicity.

Also I love how you get people to really explain the stuff that they do. I have a way better understanding now of tax, olive oil, physics, all the important stuff, Terry Gross. I don't even eat meat, but after someone told me they were cooking a Christmas turkey on the weekend I could give them all the hot tips on how to cook a great turkey. Listening to so much Fresh Air in 2011 has definitely made me smarter.

Finally, Terry Gross, (and I don't want to sound like a creep but...) I love the sound of your voice. When I put my headphones on the morning on my way to the train station and I hear you say "This is Fresh Air, I'm Terry Gross." I just love it, it makes me look forward to the next 48 minutes it will take me to get to work and listen to an episode of Fresh Air.

Thanks Terry Gross.
From
J

An open letter to Terry Gross (AM)

Dear Terry Gross,

Hello there. My name is K and I write a blog called Miss Soft Crab with my friend J. Perhaps you have heard of us? Just kidding, Terry Gross, no one has ever heard of us. But not to worry, Terry Gross. All you need to know is this: J and I write a blog about things we like and things we think about and we are here to tell you that you and your radio show are what we have liked and thought about the most in 2011.

Personally, I like everything about your show, Terry Gross. I like how you always seem super interested in the people you interview. I like how you make all the people you interview seem super interesting and super lovely. Even the boring ones, like the person who wrote that book about bananas that time. You seemed very interested in that guy, and so I got kind of interested in the banana guy too. It's impossible not to, when you're listening to Fresh Air.  Listening to your show has the same effect on me that listening to one of my people telling me about something they are interested in has. I don't know about you Terry Gross, but when a person I really like tells me about something they really like, no matter how uninterested I am in that topic, I find their interest so charming that I pretty much always walk away thinking that thinking things like  'wow, I guess tropical fish ARE super awesome!'. Listening to Fresh Air is just like that.

I also like how you sometimes seem like a real fan-girl when you are talking to some people, like that time you interviewed the guy who wrote The Wire. You told him how disappointed you were that the show was ending because you really liked it and all the characters. At the end of the interview, you said to him "Thanks for The Wire" and you said it in a way that made me think you were really going to miss The Wire. I thought that was really nice. I also like it how if one of your guests says something that you think is kind of lame, you totally call them on it. Like that time you interviewed Anne Hathaway and she was talking about how she plays this ugly duckling who gets transformed in to a 'beautiful swan' in The Devil Wears Prada. You said that you think it's dumb the way movies expect us to believe that people like Anna Hathaway could be ugly ducklings. Then Anne Hathaway says something like "oh, you haven't seen me without my make up"and you, Terry Gross, well you could practically hear your eyes roll. I loved that.

I like to listen to your show when I am on the tram on the way to work. Also, when I am cooking. Sometimes when I am falling asleep. Always when I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep. It's good at all times of the day and night, Terry Gross. Fresh Air really works, you know? Your radio show really works.

Also, finally, I love the name Fresh Air. I love a pun, and I have very positive associations with the term  Fresh Air because of Joyce, this really nice old lady who used to babysit my brothers and I when we were small. Joyce was as kind and lovely as babysitters come,  but she was not the sharpest tool in the shed. For ages and ages, after my Mum left her a note asking that she leave the back door open to let fresh air in, she thought we had a cat called Fresh Air. Nowadays, when I hear you say "This is Fresh Air, I'm Terry Gross", I give a little chuckle because it makes me think of Joyce.

Obviously I'm not the first person to tell you how awesome you and your show are. I mean, you've been doing this show for ages and ages, you know how awesome it is. And your guests often say how happy they are to talk to you. In fact, when they don't say it I think geez guy, pay your respects why don't you. But anyway Terry Gross, it's Christmas, and I just wanted to let you know that I really really love Fresh Air, and I'm really happy that you're out there, and I just wanted to say thanks.

Bye for now, Terry Gross.
Love from K

The next year (PM)

I grew my fringe out once, but because my hairline is sharp and jagged like a rocky coastline it looked really dumb and so I cut that fringe back in and I've never looked back. Except, of course, for every single day, when I look at my hair in the mirror and remember that I hate its guts and wonder whether I should grow my fringe out. But realistically, given that I've had this haircut for 15 years now, 2012 is unlikely to introduce any changes on that front.
#orwillit

Guys, I'd love to stay and chat about my hair (seriously, I would totally love to do that) but it turns out that work is really really busy at the moment and there is precious little time for the stuff that I ate, saw and thought about. I know, I'm a disappointment to myself.

I promise to think about my hair more in 2012. 

The next year (AM)

I don't make new years resolutions. Who does?! Pretty much every week I think to myself that I'm going to work out heaps or eat better and then I don't and at least I can try and rectify that next week, but if you fuck that up for a whole year that's a whole year of disappointment in yourself. And a whole year you have to wait till you can sort it out. So new years resolutions, forget that.

Still there are things that are pretty likely to happen next year. Things that if you could bank on certainty would certainly happen. And that is why I kind of love the start of a new year. It somehow gives you this sense of hope and positivity for the next 12 months that just thinking about 12 months, say from June, doesn't give you.

Like next year, God willing, my fringe is going to grow out totally for the first time in years. I know this because I am absolutely not going to cut it and it is so close to being grown out. In just a matter of months it is going to be as if my fringe never existed. Don't get me wrong, I look cute in a fringe, but I just don't want one and I am so sick of the grow out phase. Before I get to the point of total grow out I always get frustrated and cut it. But not this time. NO WAY! 

On top of that the rest of my hair is only going to keep getting longer too! YEAH!

Miss Soft Crab is going to turn 1! And on top of that we will no doubt come up with some hilarious hash tags on Twitter. And in life. This year has not been a  bad one. First, Miss Soft Crab was born. Then we discovered hash tags! I know that these are meant to be used so that people can find what you are talking about, but my god they are so much more than that! K and I have pretty much abandoned regular language in our text messages to each other and write predominantly in hash tags. So I can't wait to see what new hash tags next year brings.

Also next year a bunch of other great things will happen! There will be hilarity, no doubt at least a little dancing, some delicious food. Chances are some bad things will happen too. I'm not deluded, but let's just hear it for the new year!

What's in my bag? (PM)

This seemed like a good idea at the time, right?

It may not surprise y'all that I pretty much have the same stuff in my back that K does.

1. My wallet. Der. 

2. A bag of chocolate someone at work gave me in the name of Christmas. There were more chocolates in it when she gave it to me.

3. Emery boards because I effing hate having broken nails and nothing to file them with. Ugh, just the thought of it makes my skin crawl!

4. Miss Soft Crab notebook. Seriously, I only write down ideas for this very blog in it. It's a god damn goldmine!

5. My phone. I love that guy.

6. My iPod. Cause I am too lazy to put music on my iPhone

7. The headphones LB bought me for my birthday (Beats by Dr. Dre). Well, technically K purchased them but but they were from LB. 

8. My glasses which I rarely wear now that I don't sit in front of a computer for 40 hours a week and don't have the subsequent blurred vision when I leave the office.

9. The Travel Almanac. In case I want to read something on the train. Truth is though that I am pretty much always too busy listening to podcasts to read but after reading this morning that K reads the book in her bag (too many 'reads'?) I read an interview with Bernard Sumner. It was not that interesting and this magazine is pretty annoying.

10. Band-aids. 'Cause I keep making the mistake of thinking a particular pair of shoes are broken in. But they are totally not broken in. 

11. Make-up case to keep all my make-up/toiletries together.

12. Make-up and toiletries I am too lazy to put back in the case.

13. Tape measure.

14. Free comb from Just Cuts that I took from a share house bathroom 8 years ago and never put back.

15. More stuff to make sure I look pretty all the time.

16. A pretty fresh nappy. Usually if they have been in my bag too long they are all weirdly shaped and covered in bag crud.

17. My sunglasses. I bought them on the last day of my NYC holiday, in that time you wander around before having to go to the airport. And I love them.

What's in my bag? (AM)

Do you guys read The Hairpin? I hope you do, because it's very enjoyable. Recently they have been doing this amusing thing where they get their contributors to do a spread on what's in their handbags, like those lady mags do with celebrities, only instead of having $500 face creams like the celebrities do, they have things like band aids and bobby pins. Anyway, blah blah blah blah blah, do you guys want to know what's in my handbag right now? Ok, ok, I'll tell you.


All the things in my handbag!

 Lets go through them one by one, shall we?
1. The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes. Obviously this is the book I'm reading it at the moment, not a book a keep in my bag at all times. I'm enjoying it. Who read Love Etc.? I really liked that book.
2. My iPhone. I need to get a new cover for it. It looks like it has a skin condition.
3. Nars lip gloss in the shade Turkish Delight. I basically bought this because I love rose flavoured turkish delight and all things that are rose flavoured. This gloss is not rose flavoured, and buying it was a mistake.
4. My wallet. It's breaking and I have asked santa to bring me a new one.
5. My keys. Just like yours, probably.
6. My 2012 diary, the one I was waiting for the other day. I love it very much and I like how it has a jumper.
7. My Beats by Dr Dre headphones which I bought as a present to myself when I paid off my HECS. I love those guys so much. I am wearing them right now as a matter of fact.
8. The key to my filing cabinet.
9. A mirror J bought for me ages ago.
10. A handful of pistachio shells. What can I say guys. I guess I ate some pistachios and shoved the shells in my bag one time.
11. My umbrella. No getting caught in the rain for me, readers.
12. My sunglasses.
13. Some tissues I took from a hotel room in Beechworth.
14. Musk lifesavers. I effing love these little bad boys and am in a phase of my life where I want to have the taste of musk in my mouth all the time. If you haven't had one in a while I urge you to try one.
15. Work phone.
16. Reading glasses.
17. Assorted lispticks, specifically: Heat Wave (Nars); Jungle Red (Nars); Lovelorn (MAC); Amplified Girl (MAC); See Sheer (MAC); Insolente (Chanel). For those of you who are wondering, Heat Wave is my favourite, but today I am wearing a blend of See Sheer and Insolente. 
18. Bag change. I like to keep a little change in my bag. It's very useful for those times when you don't quite have enough money in your wallet to buy a coffee. Or when you need to feed a parking meter, or buy yourself some musk lifesavers. Bag change!
19. That's my security pass to get in to work, but you can't really see it and plus, who gives a shit.

Now that I see all the things in my bag, I realise that this is actually quite boring. Sorry guys. Hopefully J has some better stuff in her bag.

Haiku Thursday (PM)

(AM Haiku here)

Vitamin D

Doc says I need you.
So get up in my business!
Yeah sun, just like that. 

Freckles 

What am I, Irish?
Get off my face, idiots!
Unbelievable.

Cherries

I think of you as
Nature's tiniest stone fruit
Cute! Now get in me. 
 

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Reflections on this time of year

 

Summer's bounty

A box of mangoes

A pineapple, raspberries

I bought all that stuff

Yellow peach

Oh shit yellow peach,

Yeah you did! Sweet and juicy

In my mouth. Do that!

Christmas shopping

Christmas makes me want

to buy a million gifts

FOR MYSELF! All wrong. 

Summer

Oh, come on summer

What the eff?! Stick around some

Let the sunshine in