Wholesome AF

Early last spring I pulled out the last of our winter crops (a few bitter beetroot and some gone-to-seed rainbow chard) filled the beds with compost and allowed the earth to settle before I planted my summer crops. And you can bet that putting down that compost with a fresh layer of mulch on top made me feel pretty productive and in tune with the earth and happy to have neat garden beds. But summer came and is nearly gone and I never planted the summer plants. Lucky for me though, a bountiful crop of tomatoes a couple of summers ago seems to have imparted annual self-seeded plants to that bed and a healthy plant sprouted this year without me doing anything. I kept looking at it thinking I should stake it and prune it and these thoughts came and went, much like the summer and now that plant is growing along the ground, but the tomatoes keep growing and ripening and I guess before nurseries and neat garden aesthetics tomatoes probably did grow along the ground, so I'm just  thinking that I'm like the OG.*

When we got home from school yesterday Baby and Newbie wanted to pick those tomatoes (cherry styles) and ran inside to each get a bowl and pick the toms. Guys, watching your children pick their own after-school snack from your garden makes you feel wholesome as fuck! I got such goddamn joy watching that tomato-picking and just thinking about them eating those little toms. It was the best.

I feel the same way when I see Whoopsie's modern cloth nappies (as they're known) drying on the line. Yes, I put two children through all their nappy-wearing years in disposables and the resulting self-loathing meant that I have finally switched to reusables and despite knowing how terrible I've been using those disposables, seeing cloth nappies on the line just makes you feel so wholesome it's like all your sins are washed away. That picture up top is just a picture I stole from the internet. My washing line and backyard do not look like that. Imagine if they did! I'd be fucking drowning in wholesomeness!! Lucky my backyard is way scuzzier.



*Original gardener

I see a black thumb and I want it painted green (AM)

I've always had black thumbs that have meant death for plants. I had a thriving cactus and succulent collection as a child. If not thriving, at least living. But that was so long ago. Since then I've tried a few things, tried to keep plants here and there, but always unsuccessfully. I've  lived in houses with gardens, always over grown and, I thought, too far beyond my control and I was never really convinced I should bother with them. But some things changed. And by that I mean my living arrangements and attitudes rather than my thumbs. 

Important factors include:

A few years ago LB's dad moved into a lovely Art Deco flat, sparsely furnished but with many house plants and it felt quite heavenly. It also had views of Sydney Harbour. I couldn't get the views but I could get house plants I thought. 

And, K loves gardening. So that got me thinking...

Also I was living at my Mum's. She had the garden but I had the back steps and I thought I could garden in pots. The manageability of which was very appealing. 

So I did it. Grew a cherry tomato plant that bore five whole cherry tomatoes. Which was really very exciting for me. I had enough mint and basil for my cooking. It was quite thrilling. As last winter came in I was optimistic, I planted garlic bulbs and rununculus too but I only grew one lone flower. Then I moved house. 

Turns out those rununculus I planted in autumn 2013 flowered this winter. Seems like a sign. 

The good thing about my garden now is that while there is a fair bit of it, the beds are of a manageable size. And I had someone else figure out what to do. In autumn Chickpea came over with knowledge and a plan and a dedication to weeding that I could not muster on my own and together* we got most of the front garden weeded and planted a small veggie patch. Oh sure only 2 spring onions grew and a couple of little lettuces. Carrots were never heard of again, nor were the peas. But the parsley... Boy can I grow parsley. 

You can't really tell here but there is about a metre of parsley. Turns out we have so much parsley that several neighbours, unbeknown to me and uninvited, frequently come and help themselves to it. I know it now because they've been busted. 

Parsley is obviously easy to grow and I'm not saying my thumbs have changed but on the weekend I did much of my spring planting. 

The pond looked much better before hail chipped all the paint off on Tuesday

Nothing has had the chance to die yet so I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. But I'm a realist too. I'd just like to see a couple if tomatoes, maybe a strawberry this summer. Dare to dream I always say. 

*Me giving encouragement and she doing everything

Black thumb (PM)

Ahhhhh nuts you guys. This morning I wrote a whole post about my thumbs, black as the night they are. And then that dang post didn't save. Grrrrrr. It's the worst.

It was about how I planted a bunch of ranunculus and garlic at the start of winter and all I got was a bunch of weeds. 

And one lovely flower. Poor lone rununc. 

I wrote about how all I can really grow is succulents. I made a joke,  called them succers for growing under my black thumbs. 

This guy grew from a tiny cutting. 

Succer. 

But it's worse to have written and lost a post than to have never written a post at all. And now I'm just like the shrivelled up corners of pots that makes up the rest of my balcony garden (not pictured).

Favourites list - 2012 (PM)

I completely agree about bed. That's going to be a favourite of mine until they put me in a bed in the ground. Also Pinkman and getting drunk at the end of the year.

But here are some others.

My garden. I love my garden so much that sometimes, when I look at it, it makes my heart swell up in my chest a little bit.

This year, I put some astro-turf down and got some new plants, like hydrangeas and a gardenia. Of course, I like to eat a lot.
Oops! Of what I grow. That sentence was meant to say I like to eat a lot of what I grow. This year, I have planted capsicum, strawberries, jalapenos and of course, tomatoes which have begun to fruit. From the first, this tomato plant has been my favourite.

It's such a bonnie boy. I love all my plants of course, but this one. This one is my pride and it is my joy.

Coconut and chocolate butter. The other day, I was at that organic shop on Lygon Street getting some eggs and flour, when I happened upon this product.

I didn't know what I was going to do with it, but I knew I wanted it. I bought it then and there and since then, have been eating it out of the jar with a spoon because I still don't really know what to do with it but I know I want it in my mouth.

Running. Exercise has never been my favourite thing, but running has traditionally been my least favourite of all the exercisey things. But then, things changed. I got sick of trying to avoid running wherever possible. I started doing it a little on the treadmill at the gym. Then doing that more. Then doing more still. Then I started feeling kind of good for ages afterwards. I guess it would be fair to say I started liking it.

The other night, Pickle and I went for a run around Princes Park. I know that's something you guys probably do all the time, but not this crablet. Until Tuesday, I had never once run around Princes Park. But now I've done it and once Pickle makes me that mix tape of running songs she told me about, and once we get Miguel to make us both a new mix tape of running songs, I am going to do the shit out of it again.

The time we went to Hobart. At the moment, I have a pretty big crush on Tasmania. Perhaps this is making me see the world through apple-coloured glasses, but I feel like the time that Chickpea, J and Baby went to Hobart belongs on this list of favourite things for 2012. Eating and drinking and gazing at beautiful things with my favourite people was perhaps the loveliest time I had this year. Is it not the loveliest time one can have? I think it is, and may it always be.

Haiku Thursday (AM)

If I was a bumblebee

I

I would shove my face

In every last rose I saw.

I would love the spring. 

II

I would take short breaks.

From collecting the pollen. 

I'd perch on a leaf. 

III

There, I'd close my eyes. 

Feel the sun on my wings and 

Dream about the queen. 

Nature, you're so fine (PM)

The plants in springtime are so goddamn pretty that yesterday, when I had to drive to Moe for work, the abundance of blossoms on the trees were so beautiful and so heartwarming I thought you know what Moe, you're OK by me!

Moe, you guys.

That's springtime for you. Or more specifically, nature in springtime. Try getting another season to make me feel that way about  a town famous for being Victoria's gateway to brown coal, and crime.
Back in the city, I am extremely jealous of that garden that grows at J's parents house. It's always been an absolute beauty but it looks stunningly beautiful right now. I think I had better come over this weekend to have a look for myself. Ok you guys? Good, that's settled then.

My springtime plants are a little more modest. You know how it is with a balcony garden. I've laid a bunch of seeds, ready for some late spring/early summer blooms, so at the moment there's a lot of green and not a lot of colour.

But soon, readers, soon.

Just some stuff I ate and saw and thought about (PM)

Hey, guess who's hands those are in that picture of Barbie Edward Cullen? Mine. I really should have exited the frame but I couldn't stop staring.

My hands are here too, holding the new Sow What When? calendar I just got from the Diggers Club.

It tells me what plants I should sow, and when, so I can have a verdant balcony garden. I've been looking at it a lot lately. Right now my balcony looks like this:

Semi-verdant

It's got a long way to go.

When it comes to what I have eaten lately, look no further than this.

It's the salted caramel spread I made on the weekend, ostensibly to audition it for chutney club but really, so I can put it all in my mouth. I planned to make some banana pancakes to serve it with, but I made the mistake of tasting a little bit first and since then, I have just been eating it out of the jar with a spoon. I never made the pancakes. I did drizzle (dollop) some on a banana at one point. Delicious.

Persimmon: The Miss Soft Crab review (AM)

Who here has eaten a persimmon before? 
If you answered yes, great! You guys are totally on to it.   

If you answered no, I say: don't worry guys, neither had I until Sunday.  And you've totally come to the right place because today, Miss Soft Crab reviews the persimmon! 
First things first: in case you are wondering what a persimmon is, it is an autumn fruit that, as you can see, looks a bit like a giant orange acorn and a bit like a tomato. 

Perhaps, like me, you see them at the fruit shop from time to time, and wonder what they taste like, and whether you have room for you in your life for them. I guess for me, the fact that I had not tried one before Sunday suggests (spoiler alert!) that no, I do not have room in my life for the persimmon. This is largely because they look a little too much like tomatoes for my liking, and my brain finds it difficult to image how something that looks like a tomato could be a sweet fruit.  
Regardless of my brain difficulty, the time to sample the persimmon came on the weekend when Neville's boyfriend G-Sepp brought me one from his garden. G-Sepp loves his garden so much that this one time, he shot a rat he found foraging within it with an air rifle. Who am I to refuse a persimmon from such a man, a man who would kill for his fruit and vegetables? I'm no fool, readers. I took that persimmon and waited until it was ripe.  


I must say, I had a lot of reservations. G-Sepp told me to wait until it went all gooey and gelatinous before I ate it. Really? When it's gooey and gelatinous?  But gooey and gelatinous are words that mean gross! Who does the persimmon think it is? I was actually pretty sure I was going to hate it, but I wanted to at least have one bite. When it took on this nasty, nasty texture, I cut it in to quarters and scooped out some of the fruity flesh to taste. 


Basically, it is tasted like a delicious, fruity custard, only it wasn't custard, it was just fruit. You know how mango is really rich and creamy, but also fruity? Well that's what persimmon is like too! It's like the richest fruit there is. Within about two minutes of the first bite, it looked like this. 

Within about another two minutes I had plundered it so thoroughly it looked way, way grosser than that. I could not believe how delicious it was. Readers, eat a goddamn persimmon as soon as you can!  

Lets hear it for the persimmon!

Tuesday's post (PM)

Mate, I can't help but feel like you are not being entirely honest with the people. For example, you left out the bit about how despite both of us expressing a strong desire to go to the Melbourne International Flower and Garden Show and discussing going on Thursday last week, we got together that day but ended up shopping instead. And then enjoying delicious rolls. And yours had chips in it!

Sorry, guys, we got distracted.I really thought this was going to be the year it happened. I guess I was wrong.

Anyway, I'm going to bring the international  aspect to to Miss Soft Crab Flower and Garden Show: Photographs on My Computer That Involve Flowers.

This is a garden I saw in Warsaw. It is a garden plot really, part of a huge garden space where people that live in flats are designated plots to plant their gardens. They were beautiful. The people hang out in their gardens and there were fat little bumblebees. I guess walking around there is a little bit like walking around MIFAGS.

HOLLYHOCK! Amsterdam is full of hollyhock. It is great. And some of them are black!

This is a tree I saw in Telc, Czech Republic. I took a photo of the tree because it was hollow and cool. And only later realised that JESUS CHRIST SEEMED TO BE LIVING IN THE TREE!!! Happy Easter!

Tuesday's post (AM)

Each year around this time I get excited about the Melbourne International Flower and Garden show, mentally commit to going, but then don't actually go. I blame the organisers. Seriously, a show that lasts only four days? Come one guys, help a sister out. Anyway,  this year I decided I was going to blog about it so I absolutely had to go, lest I have nothing to blog about today.

Yada yada yada I have nothing to blog about today. 

 I fully intended to go but somehow the weekend just passed me by and with it,  any hope I had of filling your Tuesday AM with pictures of pretty flowers and gardens of an international standard. 

Sorry guys. 

Instead, let me entertain you with the Miss Soft Crab Flower and Garden Show: Photographs on My Computer That Involve Flowers

This is a self-sewn Marigold that just started growing in this yellow pot one day. No jokes! The yellow pot is next to a white pot with Marigolds in it, so I guess some seeds jumped ship at some point to form this breakaway colony. 

This is a dogwood tree that I saw in the park one time, and took a photo of because it was pretty and I like the name "dogwood".

These are some flowers that formed the table setting at a dinner party J threw recently. Sweet William and Sedum. Pretty.

This is my beloved African Violet, with flowers that sparkle so bright they make the sparkles on Sparkleface's face look like turds. Click on the photo for a close up of the truly magical sparkles on my beloved African Violet's petals. 

That's all. Sorry guys, I will try to go for real next year

Nature vs. Nurture (PM)

You know mate, I didn’t have that good a weekend and getting up for work this morning was no picnic. At least the cool change had come. But the weirdness of the weather just made it hard to chose an outfit. (People, you do not want to know what I am wearing right now.)

Then I started reading your post about gardening. Oh L I thought. I wish I was a good gardener. But I suck at it. I cannot grow a thing. (Although that tomato plant and basil you gave me a few weeks ago seem to be doing ok.) ‘Sucks to be me’, I thought.

And then I saw the penis plant. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Way to make my day better!

Nature vs. Nurture (AM)

This post was going to be about gardening - how much I love growing things and how much I love my little collection of plants, especially my current favourite, the Maidenhair Fern, which looked like it wanted to die a few weeks ago, but is now looking really good:

I spent a lot of time in the garden this weekend you see, and so gardens and plants are really on my mind. I think garden love is going to make a great post some day, but today is not that day, and this is not that post. Something happened yesterday that I think is ultimately more enjoyable than the garden post would have been, so I think you guys should really hear about that instead.  This post is related to the garden, but really it is a chance to indulge in a little lowbrow humour, which frankly is probably he reason you are all here, right?

Ok, first a little background. I went to visit Midbro, Mrs Midbro and Niecey yesterday. Poor Mrs. Midbro. She's a million weeks pregnant and it seems that summer and extreme pregnancy do not mix. From what I could gather, summer pregnancy looks less like this:

And more like this:

Lady is in no mood to do anything at all. Even breathing seemed like a total drag. But Mrs Midbro is a total trooper and never complains about anything.
Nevertheless, Mum and I thought we would do her a solid by taking Niecey off her hands for a while.  We decided to hang out in Mum and Dad's garden where it was nice and cool.

What a wholesome and delightful a scene it was - my adorable little niece frolicking amongst the flowers while my sweet old Mum picked fresh daisies for me to take home.
This is the life, I was thinking. We're all so down to earth, tending the garden and walking around barefoot. So salt of the earth. I also thought. High five to us!
Then my Mum started giggling and said "Have a look at this!!". I scampered down to see what she was pointing at assuming it was something charming and natural, befitting the scene. It wasn't, guys. It wasn't. It was this:

Mum told me that they call it the  Penis Plant. Well, obviously. How could they not, right? It was not what I was expecting, but gee whiz, it is pretty hilarious. Sorry to lower the tone so early in the week, guys, but can you believe this thing? Apparently it just grew like that.