Get out of my head tweeps (PM)

#ohshit

Just when I think I am an independent woman with my own brain, I read Miss Soft Crab and realise that in fact somehow, my brain and J's brain are the same brain. Not just that we think the same thoughts, but that our brain is the same.  

This morning, as I lay in bed dozing, I had a really vivid dream where J and I were walking through an airport with wheelie suitcases and spotted Mindy Kaling in a duty free shop. I said to J "This is our chance to tell Mindy Kaling that we think she's great and to tell her to follow Miss Soft Crab". 

We approached her, and she smiled and looked very encouraging because she seems like a top bird. 

Then it all went to shit!

I tripped and fell over right in front of Mindy Kaling, but went ahead and told her that she should read Miss Soft Crab. Then J got annoyed that I had stuffed up our one chance with Mindy Kaling, and we had a fight. Then I stormed off to look at a duty free shop and J stormed off to look a different duty free shop and we basically stood around sulking while we waited for LB to bring the car around.

Then I woke up!

I swear on the lives of those that I love - all of this is a true fact. I don't know what to make of it, other than maybe I should start following Fassbender on Twitter so that perhaps I will meet him as Carl Jung in a dream and we can workshop it.

Regrets (PM)

Well now we're on the topic, I  might mention the major regret of my life. 

Not seeing Leonard Cohen when he came to town is pretty much the major regret of my life.
I can't explain why I didn't go. I think it might be because I am a moron. That's my guess.
Actually, the first time he came, in February 2009, it was slap-bang in the middle of when I was breaking up with Ribeye. Then, I wasn't in the mood to hear all those songs of love and hate.

Im not being poetic, guys. Leonard Cohen really does have an album called Songs of Love and Hate.

See? It contains such classics as 'Last Year's Man' and 'Famous Blue Raincoat'

But then he came back in 2010. And again I didn't go. And there is no reason why not. Except that i'm a moron!

#neveragain

Hunk of the Month Club: Viggo Mortensen

Today, Miss Soft Crab is delighted to introduce our greatest innovation since Haiku Thursday: the Miss Soft Crab Hunk of the Month Club, or HotMC. 

From now on, the last Friday of the month is going to be devoted to a very special hunk that Miss Soft Crab wants to spend a little time thinking about. You see, life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look around every once in a while, you could miss it. That goes double for hunks. 

Who wants that? Not us. 

Welcome to the very first HotMC. And who better to pop our Hunk of the Month cherry than Viggo Mortensen, truly a hunk for all seasons. 

Fundamentals of this Hunk.

Viggo Mortensen is a 54-year-old hunk who, according to Wikipedia, had an American mother and a Danish Father. In addition to being an actor, Wikipedia advises that Viggo is also a poet, musician, photographer and painter. Where do you find the time, Viggo?

Times when you may have noticed what a hunk this hunk is.

Viggo was a baby-faced hunk in the film Witness with Harrison Ford. He is one of the amish guys who helped raise that barn in that great scene where they raise the barn!

He was then in a whole bunch of films that no one has seen, including Young Guns II and something called Black Velvet Pantsuit where he played the character of "worthless junkie". I feel weird about that. Some folks might have seen him in Portrait of a Lady, but I'm not one of them because that film seemed kind of annoying  to me so I never saw it. Hopefully you didn't see him in 28 Days with Sandra Bullock and McNulty, because that was a terrible film. But Viggo sure did look like a hunk in it.

Of course, we all saw him break the hunk mould in Lord of the Rings where he played Aragorn, rightful heir to the throne of hunks, I mean, Gondor.

Open discussion

Viggo in 28 Days. Don't watch it, it's terrible. 

J: Viggo is a top hunk! I love that guy. I have seen Portrait of a Lady but somehow I did not notice Viggo. WTF?! Also I have see Young Guns II but that was in the early nineties when I was too busy paying all my attention to Christian Slater - talk about misspent youth. Misspent on the wrong hunk!

Of course I have also seen 28 Days. I hate that film but have seen it about a million times, thanks to the Foxtel of K's youth and the lure of Viggo. Watched it on TV just the other night in fact. Didn't want to, but could not resist the lure of Viggo

But I think it is fair to say that for me, Viggo really came into his own/my top 20 in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Hells yeah. If he hadn't been there maybe I would of gone gaga for Orlando. I did dig on his Legolas, but that kid didn't stand a chance next to Strider. 

K: I know, poor Orlando. Such a pretty little elf, but so useless in the face of Strider/Aragorn/Viggo.

Remember that bit in Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring when the fellowship are taking a little break and hobbits are capering about and then Viggo laughs? 

I remember that bit where Viggo laughs better than I remember entire years of my life.

I also think Viggo's recent collaborations with David Cronenberg have really consolidated his hunkiness. Take A History of Violence, where he combines extreme handsomeness with extreme creepiness for one of the headiest brews of hunkiness going around. Eastern Promises, where he is covered in tattoos and goes to the bathhouse for some naked knife fighting! Come here and do that, guy!

J: I think Orlando is doing fine without us on his side.

And SHIT! I hadn't thought about Aragorn laughing in god knows how long! Too long! I love that bit. I mean a brooding hunk is hot but a laughing hunk! Get the eff outta here!

And I totally agree about Cronenberg and Mortensen making totally beautiful music together. Both those movies are great. And Viggo, I especially love him as that fucked up Russian.

So what is it that makes Viggo such a boner bona fide hunk? Our first HotMC hunk?! Is it something like face+brooding+slight creepiness+rugged=megahunk ?

K:  I think you've heat the nail on the head there mate. Viggo is off the charts hunky because he is an handsome, slightly creepy, super masculine (but in that good way) megahunk. 


Another dimension of his appeal is the fact that he looks like a mature hunk. Viggo is not a young man. In fact, there is a 5 in his age and it's right there at the front. And he doesn't disguise it, nor try to look like a younger man. He just goes around looking like a really really hot middle aged man. 


J: I know; sometimes I feel a little conflicted about finding a man of 54 so attractive. Will a time come when I know longer find Viggo attractive? It's hard to imagine. I keep expecting to not find him attractive, you know. Same goes for Liam Neeson. You know we are in fact closer in age to Taylor Lautner.


K: #ohshit
    #ohwell


I also like how he seems like the type who would like animals and probably has a dog. Don't you think?

J: I bet Viggo loves dogs! 

Hot!

HOT!

The Time I Made Hot Cross Buns (AM)

I love hot cross buns. Who wouldn't want their buns to be hot, and with a cross on them?
Truly, only a mad person.
Every year, I think about baking my own fresh hot cross buns. Instead, all I do is eat a whole bunch that I buy from the shop. Well god damn it, this year I'm making hot cross buns.
In fact, I made them last night! Here is what happened. 

I looked at a few different recipes but decided on this one, because I love Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, and because it seemed straight forward, and because I love Hugh Fearnley-Wittingstall. 

Hugh with chicken. One of dozens of photos of Hugh with a chicken on the internet.

I went to Mirimar Nut Shop and bought figs, apricots and sultanas to facilitate the tutti fruttiness of the buns.  What, that's what they're called in the recipe!
I chopped up the fruit, measured out some of the other ingredients and got to work. 

Of course, all dough based baking is really just a sequence of mixing, kneading and waiting for the thing the rise. This one was no different. I mixed, I kneaded, I waited for the thing to rise. The only slightly unusual thing was that the first rise takes place with only half the flour and none of the fruit.
#crazy!
It looked like this. 

So pasty. This is where the phrase 'doughboy' comes from. That is not a a real fact, but it seems possible. Aesthetically, things improved considerably once the other ingredients were added, and the kneading began.

Hugh recommends kneading in the bowl, but I found it annoying and restrictive. I knead to be free.

Ha!


Once the dough was nice and smooth, it went back in the bowl for another prove. 

Before

After

Then it was the moment I had been waiting for: bun formation. Hugh recommends that you divide the dough in half. Then divide each half in half again. Then again, then again, like cell division.  Sure Hugh, I can do that. 

Sixteen candles. I mean, buns. Sixteen buns.

Finally, the crosses. This part was weird. You make a very think paste, then roll it out with a rolling pin, then cut them in to long strips and lay them over the buns. Then one final rise, then brush with egg glaze, then in the oven!

About to go in the oven!

In the oven

Out of the oven!

About to go in my mouth!

 
Hooray! What a piece of cake, right? And take my word for it people, these little babies are the most delicious thing since a piece of cake.  
 
Well, at least I thought so. 
If only I could get a second, objective opinion!

Whatever you do, readers, stay tuned to Miss Soft Crab. 

The Love (totally rogue PM!!!!)

Oh Mate, you sure do seem to be overwhelmed with hate. You poor thing.
And you've got some good reasons.
The ALP really have fucked it. (Stop eating your young, you douche-bs.)
And washing up gloves really should come in packs of three (what an awesome idea!).
And all the other things too.

But I just can't get on board the hate right now, on account of the good things that have happened this week.  I guess I just feel like I'm on a pretty big love vibe and I just gotta ride this baby out. So I'm going to break with tradition and instead of writing a PM post about hate, I am going to flip that shit on it's head, and write it a PM post all about love. That's right readers, love. You know it!
And I am going to start right here in my own back yard. I am going to turn my love guns (what?) on YOU mate. 

I think it's about time the readers heard about some of the awesome/hilarious/super nice things you have done. Not in our whole lives, mind you, just the past few weeks. When it comes to you Mate, that's about as far back as you have to reach to find the gold.

Gold, such as how you got me a motherflipping hardcover book of all our haiku for my birthday!

I read it every night!

And you also got me a t-shirt with the letter K on it, and made me a berry rose pavlova. There were no meringue fails that day mate, no sirree.


There was also that time I emailed you this picture of a girl that Pickle thinks looks like me, and you replied with "Far out! When I squint that girl looks exactly like the bitch version of you! With a wig", which I thought was a very sweet thing to say, as it implies I do not look like a bitch. In fact, you say sweet and supportive things all the time. Like the other day when I told you I had fallen in love with some dude on the tram. I said:

"In other news, I think I fell in love with someone on the tram. He looked so solid and reliable, and he had a good head of hair and was dressed sensibly. He was wearing moleskins and a shirt and a green jumper. I love jumpers. He looked like he was about 36 and his name might have been Brian, and he probably had a dog at home. He was wearing a wedding ring, so I guess he's has a wife at home too. Plus, he was a total stranger that I saw on the tram."

Even though there are many things that are problematic about this statement, because you are a kind and supportive friend, you said:

"Mate, I can't believe Brian is married! I love jumpers too. LB has nice jumpers. He looks so handsome when he wears them."

Fuck that's nice.

Also, your tweets are really hilarious. Par example:

3 Feb 2012,  9:06 am - Lady in cafe, the person you are talking to is sitting right next to you! Probs don't need to yell #maybeshuttheeffup

1 Feb 2012, 3:11pm  - A mouse just ran across the room and I screamed #whothefuckami
#wheredidthatfuckingmousecomefrom  

1 Feb 2012, 3:17pm - Also #sleepwithoneeyeopen

(Readers, do you guys follow us on Twitter? You should, J's tweets are hysterical)

I really could go on and on. But I don't want to embarrass you or anything mate. So let me say this: some stuff is really shit and hate-worthy, but not you, Matey. You are really great.
#hugs

Thank god for YouTube (PM)

Oh geez. Sorry Google ruined your morning post. But great that it created an opportunity for us to watch the de Niro meets Elmo you tube.
#winnereverytime


My day got off to a similarly annoying start.
Look what I had to sit opposite on the tram this morning.

Unbefuckinglievable.
But on the plus side, I am getting better at surreptitiously taking photos of people on the tram.
And there is also this. What a pack of cuties!

2011 - The year that was

It's Miss Soft Crab's final post for the year! Or is it??!! Look, it pretty much is. It is definitely Miss Soft Crab's last substantial post for the year. And naturally, we are feeling a little reflective. To mark the occasion, we decided we would abandon our usual AM/PM format and look back over the year, Miss Soft Crab chat style.


K: So 2011.The year that was.

J:  What did you think?

K:  Well, it was a pretty nice year really. But over all too soon.

J:  Or over at just the right time? Who can say? I liked how Miss Soft Crab was born.

K:  Oh, that was the best. But I guess I just feel like I  feel when I watch an hour long episode of a TV show on DVD. It should go for an hour, but in reality it's just 40 minutes. It feels like this year went real fast, like TV shows on DVD do. But I love that MSC was born.

J:  Oh, yeah I hate the way hour long shows only go for 40 mins on DVD. Do you think you feel that way because Miss Soft Crab feels like it should be a year old but is only 9 months?

K:  Oh no. I just feel like it was only yesterday we came in to the city on Christmas eve so we could buy lipsticks for one another for Christmas. Don't you?

J:  Oh yeah. And ate dumplings at the Oriental Tea House. Man, what a good one.

K:  Yes!

J:  What was your highlight for this year?

K:  It's been a sweet year. Mexico and NYC were awesome. MSC is awesome. I really love that $60 dress I bought from the Alpha 60 sale. What about you mate?

J:  Oh yeah! I loved San Fran and NYC! I loved the birth of MSC! I loved TOYS and dinner at the Estelle. I loved Baby learning to walk and talk.

K:  Baby. Being born in 2010 was great, but being so cute in 2011 was even better.

J:  Ha! You said it. Or something. They were both awesome. What was your low light of the year?

K:  Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I watched it on DVD last night and it sucked so hard!

J:  Oh really? I didn't see it but I heard it was good. I don't care. I am going to see it.

K:  It's basically about a chimpanzee cult leader who doesn't know a good thing when he's on to it (Franco). What was your low light?

J:  Um, sounds awesome. So I guess my low lights were that haircut I got from my ex-hairdresser and Battle Los Angeles and um I can't really think of anything else.

K:  #charmedlife. Hey, hash tags were a highlight of 2011

J:  #yousaidit. And realising what we had been missing out on before joining Twitter was a low light. Did anyone other than Osama and Kim Jong Il die that we should commemorate?

K: Whoa, great question. Lets see. Amy Winehouse! Jobsy! 

J: Oh shit. I should have remembered those. They were defo sad. RIP guys. You both did some awesome stuff.

K:  Totally. RIP, awesome friends.

J:  I'm sad you died. Especially Amy. No disrespect Jobsy. 

K:  ***None taken, J ********** Is what I imagine Jobsy would say if he spoke to you through the computer. 

J: Hey, seeing Die Antword and  MIA were also highlights

K:  Totally. Die effing Antword.

J:  Yeah. Such good ones.

K:  So, I think we just need to say that really, it's been a pretty nice year for us, and I hope it's been a nice year for the Crab community too.

J:  Yeah. Yeah! it has been a nice year for us. And hopefully for everyone. I hope next year is a totally awesome one for everyone too!

K:  Inshallah. Right now, I just want Jack and Colleen to sing Merry Christmas!

 

The next year (PM)

I grew my fringe out once, but because my hairline is sharp and jagged like a rocky coastline it looked really dumb and so I cut that fringe back in and I've never looked back. Except, of course, for every single day, when I look at my hair in the mirror and remember that I hate its guts and wonder whether I should grow my fringe out. But realistically, given that I've had this haircut for 15 years now, 2012 is unlikely to introduce any changes on that front.
#orwillit

Guys, I'd love to stay and chat about my hair (seriously, I would totally love to do that) but it turns out that work is really really busy at the moment and there is precious little time for the stuff that I ate, saw and thought about. I know, I'm a disappointment to myself.

I promise to think about my hair more in 2012. 

#firstworldproblems (PM)

Don't worry mate. Some days, having it all seems really hard. A shit-hot kit. 100% of meals that blow your mind. What are we, awesome robots? We're not awesome robots. But I do have three additional months of life experience than you do, so let me pass on some advice. If you really want to blow your mind, I recommend getting back to mother flipping basics.
Here are some little tips that work for me.
1. If I really don't know what the eff to wear, I just wear the nicest thing in my wardrobe. Or my red gingham shirt. Both are 100% success stories 100% of the time.
2. If I really don't know what to the eff to have for dinner, I just cook eggs. Do you know how easy it is to delishify an egg? It's like shooting fish in a barrel. The other night I had a deconstructed omelette.  I soft boiled some eggs then made a side of fried mushroom, chilli, spring onion and garlic, dressed with black vinegar, ginger and sesame oil, then sprinkled with toasted black sesame seeds. Effing delicious. Some nights I have straight up soft boiled eggs with toast soldiers and whatever chilli chutney Biggie Little has just made.
Simple as that matey.
Mind  =  Blown.
Effort = Minimal.
#justthewayilikeit

#firstworldproblems (AM)

A lot of the time I like to think about what I am going to eat throughout the day. Oftentimes even before breakfast I am thinking of what I am going to have for dinner. But some days, man, some days I just got nothing. I mean every day I eat a minimum of three meals. Every day I have to think of what I am going to eat for breakfast. Then lunch. Then dinner! Don't you ever get sick of it?
 
Same goes for dressing. I mean, a whole outfit every single day! Shit, sometimes I just can't be bothered.

And as someone who loves both food and clothes its hard, you know. It's hard to admit that sometimes my brain feels like a dried up husk when it comes to these things.

You think I don't know that I live in a privileged society where I have these things to complain about?! I know I do. That is why I want to get it right every time. I don't want to waste these opportunities to blow the mind out of my mouth. I don't want to not have a great kit, because frankly I don't think there is an excuse. You know?!

The other day as I was getting ready for work I said to LB, "What should I wear to work today?"He said, "Jeans and a shirt, like usual." Is this what I have become? For shame!

A couple of weeks ago I really started to feel the sting of this food-wise too. So I started really going into cookbooks, trying new things, putting in extra effort. It actually worked out great. Every night I was making these delicious new things. Every night I pretty much fucking nailed dinner. But it's like that could never last. I was living a lie. I can't go on like that forever! Cookbook meals day in and day out! Inventing things like fresh nachos! I'm just one person, people! What the eff am I going to make for dinner tonight?!

An open letter to K

Dear Mate

Um, it's hard for me to say this (don't worry readers, don't turn away, you should hear this too) but I think that we perhaps, for the sake of our cyberfriendship, we need to break up in real life.

I know you tried to post this morning but blogger wouldn't let you upload pictures. I know you wrote it all but stoopid technology thwarted you. But then, then you had to meet me for coffee. One thing led to another, we looked in shops, we talked. Lord knows we ate. And then what happened on MSC? NOTHING! I can't live like this. Miss Soft Crab is too important. It's bigger than just you and me mate. I'm sorry.

Love
J