Coronavirus - The Crown style

A few weeks ago when Boris Johnson was in ICU with coronavirus, Prince Charles had been recently diagnosed with it and QEII had just given her coronavirus address I couldn’t help thinking about the episode of The Crown this would result in.

It opens at the bustling Wuhan fish market. A cold, frosty morning. Fishmongers pull fish from a truck, cold air rises from from large dead fish. A man coughs. A week later: the streets of Wuhan. People in masks, coughing. Full hospitals. Chinese officials around boardroom tables speaking frantically. Cut to QE II in the parlour where she always watches TV, a news caster reports on a deadly new virus spreading through China. “Oh dear,” says the queen.

Cut to opening credits.

The episode is all phone calls with Boris, debates over whether the UK should start shutting things down or stand strong, questions over where the royals should all be and who should be with the, Then Charles tests positive. “I see,” the queen says into a telephone receiver. (I wonder if the queen uses a mobile phone? Will the 2020 episodes still have QEII holding a land line to her face?) There’ll be discussions over whether she should address the nation. “At a time like this they need you, ma’am,” someone will tell her. Boris will get sick of course, go into hospital, end up in ICU.  Lizzie will have that strained, torn look on her face as she hears the news. Then he survives (same torn look on her face when she hears probably). She’ll be upset about missing her Easter duties but will give her touching  Easter address.  I guess eventually the numbers will start to get better too. Fewer people will die. Everyone will be cautiously optimistic. Perhaps the Queen will have to stay isolated for longer. Forever?

The episode will have that heavy feeling of the London smog episode or mining town landslide episode. Shit, a lot of bad stuff happens over 60 odd years does’t it? Ever since I started seeing COVID-19 as an episode of The Crown all news out of England appears to me as a part of the episode - it really is delightful. But I also started to think about the Crown episodes that the past decade would inspire. Terrorist attacks in London, Brexit, the Scottish referendum perhaps, Harry and Megan (can't wait for that one), some personal ones I could not foresee. Ugh. I hope this period of self isolation is giving her maj a well earned break. Girlfriend turned 94 on Tuesday, lockdown is probably the nicest thing that could have happened to her. Happy birthday QEII, stay safe.

Reading the mood

Hey Mate, I had a dream you went blonde and you were really happy with it. Maybe it’s something to look forward to for the other side.

Meanwhile, I woke up to the news that EFFING PRINCE CHARLES has covid-19. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because the brother has to interact with a lot of people and the footage I saw on ABC news breakfast this morning suggests he’s had a hard time shifting from handshakes to elbow-taps. I’m assuming he has no shortage of locations in which to self-isolate, and he’ll no doubt be fine. But maybe he won’t be.  He’s no spring chicken. He could die. He could give it to his mother and she could die. 

Let’s move on. 

I’m assuming your inboxes are all stuffed full of messages about temporary closures, changes to opening hours, snap sales and what not. Poor retail business-owning folk. Poor folk who work in retail and cafes and schools and, like, everywhere that things are super messed up. So, like, everywhere. 

Most of these emails express confusion and uncertainty,  and some of them have a touch of optimism which I’m finding extremely lovely. 

Not sure Scanlan and Theodore are really capturing the mood with the email they sent me this week, subject “Luxe Statements”.  

Is the current mood really “understated luxury”? 

That sequin halter top better made out of tiny stock cubes because if not, NO THANKS. 

A new beginning

GET OUT OF TOWN!* We're back!!

Oh my god you guys! Can you believe we're back here?!?

You know, when Miss Soft Crab went on indefinite hiatus a couple of years ago we thought we may see you back here one day. As K said at the time, "I'm sure there will be things that happen to us, with us, to all of us, that we'll need to come here to discuss.  Maybe when we go to Jamface.  Maybe when you/we dye your/our hair blonde.  Definitely when QEII, well, you know." Thank god QEII has not, well, you know. And we never got to Jamface. And I haven't gone blonde. Although K kinda did. I think it's safe to say that we did not imagine that a global pandemic that was changing the way we all live was going to be the thing that ended this hiatus. But it is. 

I mean, these are crazy times. Today AWOL emailed to say he had pneumonia and not coronavirus as he at first suspected, and I responded "Great news!" I mean the guy has pneumonia FFS!

A lot of other unforeseeable things happened too. Casey Affleck, a much loved MSC hunk, seen below in our last post, was revealed as a sex pest :( Ewan McGregor left his wife for another woman, so did Jimmy Bartel. Let's just say the Miss Soft Crab hunks have disappointed us. But let's just hope that in these crazy times, we don't forget to appreciate hunks. I mean, I don't think any of us could have imagined the winning combo of Brad and Leo gracig our screens and basically all media non-stop for about three months last year. And I for one couldn't be happier about that development. 

Another MSC favourite, QEII, has had a lot going on too.  Prince Harry married Meghan Markle and essentially left the royal fold, and there's the whole Prince Andrew thing. Ugh. But I feel like she's really embracing these difficult time. I mean look at this amazing outfit. 

So, here we are. Yes, we're going to talk about this weird fucking thing that is going on in the world. But we're also going to talk about all the things you've come to love us for. Hunks! Clothes! Food! Our hair. And a bunch of other stuff we thought about. 

We're back. And it feels pretty bloody good!

*Obviously you can't actually get out of town

You do have to know when you have to go

The fact that Prince Phillip decided to retire from public life at the random age of 96 makes me think that he's spent the last few years talking to advisors and QEII putting forward the idea of retiring until finally they all decided it was time to go. Or I guess, more likely, given his constant inappropriate remarks, he has been listening to people for decades suggest he retire from public life and finally decided he was too tired to go on. I guess we'll never know exactly how this decision came to be, but one thing we do know for sure is that The Crown really did put PP in a hot new light.

I can only hope that one day a series based on the life of the Misses Soft Crab appears on Netflix and presents us in a hot new light. But as K told us yesterday, not quite in so many words, we probably need to take an indefinite hiatus in order for the world to be able to appreciate our true genius.

But before we go a brief stroll down memory lane. It's interesting to me that we've been expressing out annoyance at GOOP since the very inception of MSC, as evidenced by that time K and I recast ourselves as GOOP and Jay-Z and replicated the interviews they did of each other. Ugh, it's annoying just thinking about it. But hilarious remembering our versions found here and here.

You have to know when you have to go

No one was more surprised than me when Prince Phillip emerged as the most appealing character in 2016's hit series The Crown. Miss Soft Crab is known for its appreciation of QEII and her inspirational fully realised personal style, Monarchrome. I expected to love QEII in The Crown and surely I did. But Phillip has  been little more than the tall racist who tagged along with her at events. So you could colour me surprised when I found myself being totally charmed by his characterisation in The Crown. He seemed to be in love with his wife, building a life with her, but frustrated by the way that QEII  occupying her power meant he had to shape himself around that role. He was relatable. Plus, he was young and super handsome. 

Last week, the real Prince Phillip retired after decades of following QEII around as she occupied her power and later, her awesome QEII style. 

I wondered what triggered his retirement. How did he decide, at 96, after more than 22,000 events, that it was time? Wouldn't he have been justified retiring  at 90? At 95? Why now Prince Phillip? Why now? 

I guess there's no one reason. It's just time to go.

Miss Soft Crab began in 2010 out of a desire to talk about the themes the great poets have talked about forever: hunks, food and other things that seemed like they needed to be talked about from time to time.

Those themes have endured for 7 years.

But it's time for us to do a Prince Phillip. It's time for us to go. Probably not forever. But for a while. Indefinite hiatus, we're calling it.

This week, we bring you classics from the MSC back catalogue, so we can all enjoy those themes again. 

Like that time there was only ONE HUNK on screen during an entire three hour oscars telecast.

Robbed! 

Happy Queens Birthday Monday

I know it's not her actual birthday but I'll take any opportunity to celebrate the queen of monochrome (AKA the Queen of England AKA the Queen of the United Kingdom and other Commonwealth Realms).

A final word on Friday

I am watching The Crown too! I've only watched two episodes but I kind of love it. QEII is so young and adorable and Prince Phillip is so Prince Phillipy.

I wonder when the monarchrome experimentation  begins.  I really do want the queen to live for a long time. 

It's so boring

It is so exciting that the E class team is hitting the #86 route. I far prefer the tram to the train but that D class makes pram-tram travel so unpleasant I've basically given up on the tram. But I'm looking forward to reuniting with, it E-class style! 

Now, I know I promised on Tuesday that I'd get out of the house so that I had something to write about, but in fact for today's post I've only managed to get out of my head, which is in fact what I was really talking about on Tuesday, just in metaphor, so mission accomplished I guess. 

This week I've watched a couple of episodes of The Crown. When I first heard about this series and how Netflix spent really big bucks on it I felt kind of surprised. I mean I love QEII but her life just seemed like a kind of boring premise for a TV series. 

Of course one pleasure of watching it is that QEII, Prince Phillip, everyone is turned into people. Elizabeth is more than just a monochrome dream. I watch documentaries about the Queen and the  running of the palace at every opportunity and although I've seen QEII driving herself around in her Land Rover and Phil tending to his farm I have never really gotten a sense of them as people and so I guess that's why Netflix put so much filthy lucre into this show, we all just want to see that human queenie. But you've got to view biopics as fiction, I always think. Sure the events may be fact but everything else is just someone's interpretation, at best based on someones' memory, but mostly probably on a wish or an idea. So watching The Crown we're all just fooling ourselves. But I'm cool with that. 

But really, I was right. It is kind of boring. And yet I'm thoroughly enjoying watching it. All those long shots of grand rooms, all the outfits which are yet to become monochrome. All the silent meaningful looks from the staid British characters. The show is kind of like QEII - a comforting presence I enjoy despite myself. Long live the Queen.

New Crab City (AM)

We're back you guys!
As you all know, the Misses Soft Crab have had a sweet hiatus so J,  LB, Baby and Newbie could spend some QT getting to know the new baby. But we also got up to other things.  Especially me. Well, not really. I mean, I don't want to create the impression that I've been doing lots of fun stuff, it's just that I have had more free time than J because I don't have a new baby.
But now that I've managed your expectations re: the awesome stuff I've been doing, let me fill you in on what has been going down lately in the K-niverse. And let me do so in the style of so many bloggers: with a list of happenings. You know the ones. Lots of boring shit details about bloggers lives under too many headings. I'm taking my inspiration from this blog  which I started reading when KB was born because it's written by someone who had a baby at pretty much the same time. She has a much more positive outlook than I do and eats extremely good look food all the time and far fewer Doritos than I do, so seems equal parts admirable and annoying.
Here goes!

Doing: Well geez, that's a bit of a plot spoiler, is it not? But alright then. I've been wiping snot from KB's nose a lot and wondering whether the presence of snot means I can't go visit J who has a new baby that she's trying to keep germ free.

Hearing:  Gosh. What am I hearing? The fridge's mechanical whir? The sound of the toy drum that KB plays all the time, especially when his parents need to get shit done? Yes, readers, all of those things. I've also been enjoying the My Dad Wrote a Porno podcast, because it's as if Alan Partridge has written erotic fiction. Which is to say, hilarious and gross.

Drinking: Yes please.

Eating and cooking: Doritos and things that include Doritos, like Nachos. I also cooked the Lamb Shwarma from Jerusalem the other day and some wholemeal scones that had been in the freezer for god knows how long because we had some cream in the house and I felt like I should eat it with something other than a spoon that goes into my mouth all the time.

Wanting:  Eh, what do I need? Apart from a better functioning pelvic floor, amirite ladies?

Playing: A really swell game called Who's a Naked Baby? which basically involves stripping a baby (mine) before bathtime and then singing "who's a naked baby?" over and over again. Brings the house down. In those moments, I am Madonna circa Blonde Ambition tour.

Deciding: How to live a moral life in an amoral world, like everyone. Sheesh.

Enjoying: The idea that this list will end soon.

Looking: Ahead to see how many more headings there are. Nine! For chrissake!

Loving: Brevity.

Buying: Time.

Planning: To make this end as soon as possible.

Watching: The clock. Also, I'm excited to start watching the QEII series on Netflix. I'll be writing a letter if they don't effectively capture the majesty of Monarchrome.

Savouring: Things that know how not to be too long.

Wearing: The same old shit.

Reading: Words.

Craving: GOD, SHUT UP!

Feeling: Immense relief.







 

Empire 2.0 (AM)

The British empire ain't what it used to be. OR SO WE THOUGHT. 

I'm pretty sure that anyone who's seen any media coverage of the Prince William/Kate Middleton/baby George/baby Charlotte visit to Canada this weekend could not have failed to notice two things: Kate Middleton and Sophie Gregoire Trudeau (the woman who is married to Justin Trudeau) wearing monochrome. 

I bet QEII looked at that and thought FUCK YES I still rule Brittania and I rule it one goddamned colour at a time. 

Edward II (AM)

I went to see this great play last night. Edward II. At the Malthouse. Gee whiz it was good. I see plays all the time these days. Well, sometimes. I see them sometimes. Which feels like all the time. Mostly I have a pretty nice time but at some point engage in a great struggle to stay awake and  that really takes my focus away from what's happening on the stage. Not last night. Last night I only got distracted once, during Edward II's coronation. It was a scene I found so moving I couldn't help thinking about QEII and what it wil be like when she dies and someone else takes over. 

But I only thought about that for a moment. That's how good this play was! 

Five crabby stars from me. 

The promised land (PM)

Holy smokes. I forgot about my crab responsibilities until about midday on Friday. I thought I was really on top of things this week but no, it looks like I'm not. Right now, KB is playing with the kitchen bin which is his favourite toy so I'm going to steal a few moments to say this: late October me will probably be  tired and shabbily groomed, just like July me. But compared with second half of 2015 me, she is as polished as QEII. 

Onwards to October! 

Lessons learned (PM)

I'd been wondering how the queen feels about Brexit. I think about QEII a lot these days. With all the people dying (Bowie, Rickman & Prince in case anyone needs reminding), I've been thinking about how QEII is going to die some day and how sad I will be. No more monochrome. Some other fool's face on my money. People like my grandma feeling sad because all the institutions they had faith in (the monarchy and the Catholic Church) are crumbling. These thoughts make me a little sad. Gee, I've really brought the mood down, haven't I?  Lucky we've got the Internet and all its memes to help.

Lessons learned (AM)

Ugh. Yesterday I was jus feeling flat. You know those days. I have a bit of  a cold and I have all this annoying work to do, not just normal work but annoying. And all this stuff in my near future I need to sort out. And a dirty house. So I thought I'd ask the Internet how to make this day better. And do you know what it showed me? A bunch of stupid memes. It just made my day worse. There was a bunch of cute puppies and dumb jokes and although I love puppies the way they were memes just annoyed me. Them and all the stupid unfunny annoying stuff turned into just made my day feel worse. Except for this.

Which made me go "Ha," and then move on. It wasn't really that beneficial to my day. I guess I was hoping for some advice from the Internet not a bunch of memes. Fucking memes. It's like the Internet gave the go ahead for everyone to make their own "Just hang in there" posters.

But I guess if I want my day to get better IRL I need to do something about it IRL, not just look to the Internet to solve my problems.

And I have to say that the IRL solutions were much better than what the Internet had to offer. I got a bunch of work done and cleaned the house to a reasonable extent and Baby came home from a two-day sleepover at my Mum and Dad's house and by the end of the day I was feeling ok. And to top it off the Internet came good in the evening when I saw this on Instagram:

• "theroyalfamilyA flotilla of traditional Thames rowing skiffs, manned by Swan Uppers in scarlet rowing shirts and headed by The Queen’s Swan Marker, wearing a hat with a white swan’s feather, row their way steadily up the Thames. ‘All up!’ they cry as a family of swans and cygnets is spotted, and the Swan Uppers carefully position their boats around the swans, lift them from the water and check their health. The Queen's Swan Marker’s iconic five-day journey upriver has been an annual ceremony for hundreds of years, and today it has two clear goals: conservation and education."

  
  
  Isn't that adorable?! I know I'm meant to be down on the monarchy but there is a lot of charm there. I wonder how the Queen voted in the Brexit referendum...oh, I just read that she isn't even allowed to vote because she has to remain politically neutral. 
  
  
  So I guess I learned an important lesson today, cygnets are adorable! Just jokes, I learned that the Internet can't fix everything, which is important to remember. 
  
  

Queens Birthday

We all know it was QEII's 90th birthday in April right, but today is a public holiday called the Queen's Birthday and I'll take any opportunity to celebrate my favourite monochrome princess. Happy monochrome day!

I love clothes (AM)

You guys, I love clothes!

You may think if you've read this blog or if ever had a conversation with me that you already know this and I should too. And you'd be right in a way. It's obvious in the things that I write and things that I say and on a good day in the way that I dress. But loving clothes is something a person sometimes has to deny. Not outright of course but just in the way you are. You have pretend you love other things more than clothes, like your children or boyfriend. 

Just jokes, I love my children and boyfriend more than clothes. No pretends. But guys beautiful clothes are beautiful and I want to wear them. 

I think partly this seasonal mess of weather always helps because every day you're dressing for a new season which really helps keep the love alive. Just yesterday I was fully loving myself sick in a QEII-worthy monochrome ensemble of pale pink shorts with a dark pink linen sweater. Monochrome for life! It really got me excited about spring dressing. Them today I had to totally shift gears into winter dressing. Whaaat?! 

That's when I spotted a great woolen Gorman dress that I bought years ago. It was the last thing I bought before Gorman became my mortal enemy. I spotted this dress in my wardrobe and thought "You're beautiful!" And that's when I just thought "I LOVE CLOTHES!" Why a fight it any longer. Oh sure, I'm wearing monochrome again* (why wouldn't I?!) but that's what's so great about clothes! Colour! Cuts! Combos! They have so much to offer. And I for one love them. Unashamedly and eternally. 

*see above. 

Happy not birthday QEII

QEII style: Royal baby edition (PM)

I learned something this morning reading K's post. It's that I may be more into QEII than I realised. When I saw her in that shirt it seemed totally normal to me, because I sometimes watch documentaries about her and once I watched part of that movie The Queen so I've seen her (and Helen Mirren as her) getting about the country side in skirts and shirts and sleeveless puffers heaps.

So I guess I'm not surprised she'd go visit her new granddaughter in a shirt. 

May I just say about KMid's emergence from the hospital the day after her baby was born, that poor lady. I mean, I've had two babies and the second one was far less traumatic and if I had a team of beautifiers on hand I probably could have emerged from the hospital the day after Newbie was born looking decent but I sure as fuck wouldn't have wanted too. 

#QEIIstyleforlife!

QEII style: Royal baby edition (AM)

I've been passively following the news of the royal baby this past week. 'Passively', because one doesn't have to do anything  to learn everything one needs to know, and 'following' because I was a little worried they would call her a name I fancy for the AppleKheart baby and would have had to reconsider if the royal baby nabbed it first.

Happily, I'm neither here nor there about Charlotte. 

Through my passive following I've learnt most of what I need to know (which was really just the baby's name, and confirming that Prince Harry has turned into quite a handsome fellow). I've also learnt that the world's media is captivated by how cute baby George is, and how incredible Kate looks very shortly after giving birth. Yeah, I guess both of those things are true. 

But the one thing I want to know that passive following has not delivered on is where is QEII and more importantly, what is she wearing? 

Happily those tabloid newspapers that Rupert Murdoch brought to England could fill in the blanks.

A quick search yielded this beauty: QEII going to the Royal Baby's house for a quick visit, the day they arrived home. 

This photo shocked me a little because QEII is wearing a shirt and that's confronting. 

Apparently, according to the Daily Mail, she had spent the morning at the track checking out the form of some horses before some big upcoming race meet. 

This pleases me a lot. 

And no doubt she's wearing purple trousers with that purple shirt. Purple, because she's the mother flipping queen, and monochrome because QEII style for life!

HB QEII

Hope everyone had a nice Queens Birthday Public Holiday. 

I hate how it's the last public holiday until the big horse race in November. That month is so many months away.

But I love how QEII nails the monochrome for life style. She takes it by its family jewels and nails it to the wall. Way to go, QEII.