Eeny meeny miny mo (AM)

Last night I watched some of Trading Places, a film I have seen many many times but probably not for about 15 or 20 years. I also learned on the weekend, to my great surprise, that K has never seen that movie. I didn't even know that was possible given the frequency with which it used to be on TV, but it turns out the world really is an amazing place and anything is possible!

Because K has never seen it I wouldn't want to reveal any spoilers but let me just say that movies made in the 80s are not like movies made today. For example, they have a person dressed up in a gorilla suit that is meant to be a gorilla and then later a man gets put into the gorilla suit and the "real" gorilla makes love to it and the two gorillas get shipped off to Africa without anyone questioning whether the man in the suit is actually a gorilla.

I suppose this terrible costume is a joke but I can't imagine anyone trying such a thing nowadays.

Another thing you wouldn't hear in a doofusy comedy these days is an old white guy calling Eddie Murphy a word that starts with 'n' and rhymes with igger. I was quite shocked to hear it actually, but if you think about the 80s that word was considered bad I suppose, but it was still in use. It must have been, what were the words to Eeny meeny miny mo when you were growing up? Pretty mind bending that the more polite way to nominate who was 'it' was by saying "Ip dip dog shit you are not it."

Every time Baby starts 'Eeny meeny miny mo' I hold my breath for a second, waiting for what comes next even though he always says "catch a tiger by the toe." Of course he has never heard the version we used as kids. Back then, I may have known what that igger word meant when heard in isolation but "Eeny meeny" was just a bunch of nonsense words as far as I was concerned. Still, pretty fucked up, and even though I was just an innocent little kid trying to identify someone to be 'it' in chasey, just repeating some little song I heard from someone else, I feel like a total perpetrator. I think I have to go and have a shower now, wash the shame away.

Wow, Trading Places really took me on a trip down memory lane in a way I did not foresee at all!

Will I ever forgive? (PM)

Sucks to be you, mate, I'm sorry. I've heard mixed reviews of the ape movie but I'm just going to come right out and say it, if I am going to see a mediocre Hollywood movie I want some goddamn hunks in it. Unless you are going to underutilise said hunk by keeping their shirt on the entire time (I'm looking at you Tim Burton!) then it just makes me angry. As has been established. Repeatedly. Hunks! Not unknown Australian that looks as if he were in Home and Away like some lesser Hemsworth.

Anyway over here in M-town School of Rock was on TV and even though I've seen it many, many times I just really like it a lot. In fact when we turned it on I immediately smiled.  It was an excellent way to forget about the troubles of the world.

And because I want everyone to be as lucky as I was last night I've included these unnecessary hunk pictures in this post for you. 

Your welcome!

A business idea (PM)

Ha. Pissweak World! Good one!

Except I can't help but think that I would feel the same way about Pissweak World that I did about Gumbaya Park and Wobbies World as a kid. That is amusement at its existence but no real interest in going there. Oh sure maybe deep down the TV ads stirred up something for WW and GP and maybe Pissweak World would stir something similar but not enough to make me give in to a child's pleas. But maybe I'm delusional because my children are so young. One is only interested in boobs . The other would no doubt be interested in crappy expensive amusement parks but is young enough to be distracted with the promise of sweet treats or fun elsewhere. But I guess it won't be like that forever. 

But I talk like I'm so high and mighty. This one time when I guess I was about 18 I went with Chickpea and Strawberry to Wobbies World because Strawberry, fresh off the boat from Sydney couldn't believe a place with such a name existed. When we got there we were so put off by the exorbitant prices we decided to visit the nearby street where Neighbours was filmed. You know, for a laugh. Maybe you were there too, Mate? (Is this even how the story goes?!  Maybe it happened a little differently but if there's one thing revisiting this story makes me realise is that maybe you are never too old too be distracted by an alternative to a crappy expensive park. 

Ps. That ape and monkey place sounds dope!

What's funny? (PM)

It’s true. You think it is easy keeping you people delighted and amused in the manner to which you have become accustomed!?!  

But boy mate, you have raised some really interesting questions. Yes, it is true that slipping on a banana peel is hilarious. And monkeys would be doing that shiz all the time. It must be hilarious up in them trees. But you know what else I bet monkeys love. Farts. I mean, I tend to think of myself as a fairly middle- to high-brow person with a matching sense of humour. But sometimes farts are just really funny. In fact just writing this I am losing my shit a little bit. With hysteria guys! Not literally! Though I guess that would be funny. And gross. It is highly inappropriate because I am at work and trying to look professional. But that is really hard while trying to stifle near-hysterical laughter at the thought of fart jokes.

God, there are so many hilarious things out there. Things I should probably not find so funny. Like the other day when it sounded like Baby was calling me a not very nice name that begins with a C. You know the one, even if you don’t like to say it. I don’t have a problem with it. And neither does Baby apparently. Oh, I could not stop laughing so he just kept saying it and looking so proud of himself.

That coochi-coochi-coo tickle game seems much more appropriate so I am going to try to stick with that from now on.

Things from my life (AM)

Hey, I saw some things in the last couple of weeks I liked. Maybe you'll like them too.

I saw some good street art. In Prahran. TWICE. 

I don't know if this really qualifies as street art. But I liked it.

I love this wall of TDK headphones. I feel like this is what my childhood looked like. You know the eighties, so brown and full of TDK.

Finally, these buns really made my day. You know how packet food instructions are always really cold and bossy? They don't have to be. If you want some tenderness from your packet foods you should get these buns.

Confused and delighted by Washington

Not to harp on about it, but there is a topless George Washington statue and Tim Burton couldn't even get Marky Mark to get his top off once in Planet of the Apes. WTF!? But hang on, I'm not sure what is more WTF? Because, um, I'm not sure if I'm the only person that thinks this is weird, but why is there a statue of George Washington wearing nothing but a sheet? Dude, that is some messed up shit! A SHEET! He has his wig on. You know, he was obviously in the process of getting dressed, and then he and his publicist and the sculptor all decided that it was a good idea to just stop right there and start sculpting. Mate, I am having a hard time dealing with this. How you gonna respect a dude in a sheet? I hope Obama's publicist hasn't seen this. And why is G.Wash so ripped anyway? I mean, dude is really ripped. Mmmmm. Ripped.

Your trip to WDC is pretty much blowing my mind actually. First topless, ripped George Washington! Then pink fairy armadillos! I am so glad I clicked your wiki link. 9-11cm!!!! That is so freaking cute. I feel like until I see one of those cuties in real life I won't be happy. Which is annoying, because after I saw Bob Dylan a couple of weeks ago I really thought to myself, 'I feel great, now I've seen all I need to see.'

And then the pink fairy armadillo comes along and throws everything out. I guess it was bound to happen.

What was best for me though was to see that even though you are holidaying with your mum, that time between siteseeing and dinner is still being spent with beer and a salty snack in a bag. I love that about holidays. Especially the choosing of the salty bag snack. I hope those spicy babies were delicious. But it just brings home what a weird place Washington is, because, um, 'red hot' isn't a flavour.

Marky Mark for breakfast

Man alive Mate. I just want to say straight up that a whole post dedicated to Marky Mark is a precious gift and pretty much the best possible way of starting a work day. Better than if someone cooked me a breakfast of huevos rancheros while I was in the shower and also got my clean underwear from off the line and put it in front of the heater so that it wasn't all cold and damp, and perhaps also put my towel in front of the heater too. But Mate, a cold towel, toast and underwear that I had to dry off with a hairdryer is fine by me when you're serving Marky Mark for breakfast! Yes sirree. The only drawback is that I feel a little dirty thinking the thoughts that pictures of Marky Mark make me think whilst at work. But please, don't let that ever stop you. Let me figure out how to deal with that one.

Before I reflect on your comments about Marky Mark, let me say that I had no idea about that new Planet of the Apes movie and watching the trailer without the sound on kind of freaked me out. It seems like the Apes are really POd. I hope everything works out for Franco.

But back to Marky Mark. I agree with your every word. Especially the wastefulness of that stupid Planet of the Apes film. I'm actually more angry about it now, after you pointed out that toplessness (total or semi) makes so much sense to the narrative of that BS film. Before today, I just thought it made sense from to point of view of my eyeballs.
At least Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter met and fell in love as a result of that film. They are such a nice couple, and if they didn't hook up then neither this, nor this nor this would have been possible.
Ha!
That last one was a trick. Marky Mark with his top off in Date Night had nothing to do with Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter falling in love. But perhaps it did have something to do with Planet of the Apes, because surely Tina Fey saw Planet of the Apes and surely, like any normal person, she would have wondered why such a golden opportunity had been squandered. Happily, she has the opportunity to right such wrongs. And boy did she right the shit out of that wrong in Date Night. Yes she did. I love how in that trailer, when we see Marky Mark for the first time, we then see Tina Fey doing that face you have to do when you really want to smile/laugh but the situation won't allow it and so you kind of have to elongate your jaw so as to keep the corners of your mouth from curling up. I'm doing it right now! Such a good one.

I would like to make one further comment about Marky Mark, and why he is so great. Here is that comment:
Marky Mark smiles a lot, and smiling goes a long long way with me when you are a hottie with your top off. Any old hottie can get their top off. If I wasn't writing this from work and hadn't once already had access to the internet denied because of the results of a search with the terms 'brad+ pitt+ top+off+thelma+and+louise', then I would like nothing more than to show you what it looks like when any old hottie gets their top off. In summary, it's pretty good, but only a special kind of hottie will also smile while he is doing it and therefore only few hotties turn that good think in to a great thing. So many of them brood, and when the rest of the world was brooding in their topless photos, Marky Mark was smiling. And that's why Marky Mark is so great.
(Mate, can you please add that photo of Marky Mark smiling in his underwear from the 1990s Calvin Klein campaign? The world needs to see Marky Mark smiling in his underwear. Thanks).

In other news, my Mum called me this morning to ask whether it is OK if she and Dad give my business card to the son of someone in my Dad's bowling club who just broke up with you his girlfriend of seven years.
My business card.
Isn't that weird! Dude is probably all skimming rocks across the surface of Brighton Beach and humming songs and then his Dad is going to stuff my business card in his hand and he is surely going to thing WTF? Like I need professional consulting services at this time in my life!
Has a business card ever made anyone want to do it with anyone else? I don't think so mate. Does Marky Mark have a business card? Hell no ( I assume), and EVERYONE wants to do it with him. And frankly, if that's how they did it back in the swinging sixties then I am very disappointed in the history books.

I said yes, of course. I hope he calls.

The best thing about most things

Remember how I texted you the other night when The Happening was on TV and you were all, “The Crappening” and I was all “No way this movie is awesome, it is so hilarious”? Fuck, it is so hilarious. The menacing wind. HAHAHHAHAHA. Oh, oh god, that menacing wind was so good. It’s making me happy just thinking about it. And all the close ups on Marky Mark’s face! HA!

I mean, I would never EVER disrespect Marky Mark, but god, that was so funny. The Happening was pretty much the funniest movie I’ve seen ages. Anyways, remember how you were all, “Marky Mark is the best thing about that movie.” And I was all, “Marky Mark is pretty much the best thing about most things”? Well I’ve just been thinking about Marky Mark since then, well, you know since 1997, but I guess more intensely in the last week or so and I thought it would be nice to think about the many things to which Marky Mark has contributed. Most recently I’d have to say the Oscars.

I don’t think he actually did anything at the Oscars (yet another reason why they were so totally lame) but he did sit in the audience. And he produced and starred in The Fighter which won all those awards and which led to that resounding phrase of the night, “Thanks to Mark Wahlberg.” Exactly what we have been thinking all these years! Thank you Marky Mark. Thank you.

He also contributed a lot to the hilarious movie Date Night. I actually really liked that movie. It was funny, but you know what was extra special about it?! The filmmakers knew what a goldmine they had with Marky Mark. And they didn’t squander it. Like we’ve seen time and time again. Most criminally in that god awful movie Planet of the Apes. Now I try not to think about that film too often because it still makes me angry. For so many reasons. The trailer had so much promise. I remember feeling like it was going to be this kind of awesome Hollywood epic. And what was it? Basically two hours of pure crap. And what was the worst thing about it? Not once, not even one single time in this pointless two hours did Marky Mark get his shirt off. Look, I don’t want to sound like a dirty trash bag and I certainly do not go to movies to see Marky Mark take his shirt off, but for god’s sakes if you are making one of the worst movies in the history of movies and Marky Mark is in it, wouldn’t you want to give the people something, just something to enjoy. I don’t even think it’s weird that I think this. I think it is weird that a movie about an astronaut who crash lands on a JUNGLE PLANET doesn’t rip his shirt. A guy gets taken PRISONER and he doesn’t have his shirt taken! And we are supposed to believe this. What an awful, awful film. But thank you Marky Mark. The only thing that meant I didn’t walk out of the cinema. I am pretty sure that Franco is not going to get his shirt off in The Rise of the Planet of the Apes, let's just hope he doesn't have to.

But this ain’t about hating. It’s about loving. Marky Mark. And you know, I'm not superficial, I don't just like Marky Mark when he get's his shirt off. Not at all, he doesn't even have to be on screen. I mean, how about Entourage? Pretty much one of my favourite shows ever and Marky Mark is hardly ever in it, but he is behind it and it is awesome. I basically named my son after one of the characters (E, obviously). So many golden moments. Thank you Marky Mark.

I guess I just wanted to take a little time to say thanks.

It doesn't have to be this hard

First let me say that I guess the girl in that picture with the fuzzy boots looks good, but I'm pretty sure it's not the fuzzy boots doing it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that everything would look better if there were no boots with the fur. The difference between the girl in the Sartorialist's picture and the girl we saw on Swan Street on Sunday afternoon is that every other bit of the Sartorialist girl's outfit work. But the girl on Sunday was dressing to a concept without really having all the right bits to do it. The chunky scarf was great, the dusky pink jumper was great, but those jeans, they were not good. I hate to sound like a snobby bitch (just jokes, I love to sound like a snobby bitch), but they were just some nasty cheap skinny jeans that weren't doing any body anyone any favours.Not her outfit, not our eyeballs. So I guess this should be part of the Criteria, don't buy a cheap version of a good look unless it is a really, really good imitation that looks awesome.

But first and foremost the number 1 question to be asked when trying on a potential purchase is "do I look awesome in this?" With a subset of questions being,"Is this a super colour on me? A super cut on me? Does it hang in a totally flattering bithin' way?" And if you don't answer yes to all of these things, well forget you potential purchase.

Perhaps another question is "will this contribute in a totally awesome way to my wardrobe? What will I wear it with?" And of course you need to answer yes to the first part of that question and then a bunch of things to the second part, but I think you know what I'm saying.

Also, "is this a fantasy piece?" Maybe it's the kind of thing you want because it looks really awesome but may not actually be able to wear it.


Well I think if the answer to the first question is yes, this looks awesome, then it's time to leave fantasy in the past and just bust that shit out. Wear that awesome thing. Wear it.

I feel delirious. Perhaps these are not criteria at all. Perhaps they are lame.

In other news today I saw a man with a giant ape toy.