Everything I've thought about Channing Tatum in the last 36 hours (PM)

The truth is, I didn't hate the Tater Tot when I went to see Magic Mike. I just hated myself for seeing Magic Mike. I thought the Tater was going to be repulsive but he wasn't. He wasn't. But nor is he a hunk. Hunks don't inspire ambivalence, which that guy does. It's just as J says. This is what people think hunks are these days. And that's fine, they can think that. But look at this and tell me whether you feel ambivalence:

Yeah, I didn't think so. 

Everything I've thought about Channing Tatum in the last 36 hours (AM)

To be honest for years I didn't bother learning to distinguish between Shia LaBoef and Channing Tatum, they were just names attached to boring faces that appeared in naf films. Then The Beef started to act like a minor nut job while the Tater's face continued to appear on the posters of adaptations of Nicholas Sparks novels and while I learned to differentiate them I didn't bother because I didn't give a shit about them.

Imagine my surprise then when I found myself watching 22 Jump Street the other night and wondering to myself if Channing Tatum may be a hunk. I don't know if I was just looking for a distraction in a pretty shit film or if it's that in fact Channing Tatum has a certain je ne sais quoi but whatever the reason, 36 hours ago I thought to myself, "I wonder if Channing Tatum is a minor hunk". I mean that's how it started with Hemsworth, just a question and eventually the answer came back, "YES, this guy is a hunk!" 

22 Jump Street is a really long movie so I spent about an hour thinking, "Well this Tatum is not quite as boring or repulsive as I expected, he may even be a little bit charming or handsome." (Hour 36.) After an hour of this I guess I got bored so I started thinking "Could I have been wrong about this guy, could there be more hunk to him than meets the eye??" (Hour 35.)

After the movie finished I thought I better do my due diligence and Google Channing Tatum (hour 34) and I was both disappointed and relieved to find that, as previously thought, he is not a hunk at all. Handsome in that boring all American way, the star of boring movies, charming enough to be watchable and unrepulsive, I decided that he is a tolerable version of what Hollywood is currently passing off as a hunk, but in no way, NO way is this guy an actual hunk. And with that the status quo was restored and I could go back to not thinking about Channing Tatum again (hours 33-0).

This post is not about McConaughey (PM)

 It's funny, because as K says, you would totally think that Mitch Kramer was my type, "...a baby-faced Adidas loving awkward teen" that has me written all over it. And sure, who didn't love Mitch Kramer, making his way in this new high school world? But you know what with McConnaughey and Adam Goldberg being totally awesome and hilarious in that movie, as if I was paying much attention to Mitchey. Plus Wiley Wiggins always seemed like a poor man's Joseph Gordon Levitt to me. And when I say always, I mean, briefly, because it is not as if I think about him, except when I watch Dazed and Confused. And, as previously mentioned, I’m not even thinking about him that much when I watch it because I’m too busy waiting for McConnaughey to get on my screen.

My feelings about McConnaugey are complicated. I love him in D&C, but all that getting around shirtless and making of just unwatchable movies made him pretty off-putting. But he does seem to be redeeming himself with some actual decent films now. And did I mention Dazed and Confused? Yeah, McConnaughey, I guess you’re ok by me. 

So, sure Wiley Wiggins is not the guy he used to be, but at least he can be happy he didn't end up like Jason "Randal 'Pink' Floyd" London.

 

This post is not about McConaughey (AM)

I've been thinking a bit about Matthew McConaughey lately. You know, because the recent McConaissance has had him up in everyone's grill. He's been a bit of a joke for a pretty long while. All those romantic comedies. The constant toplessness. Didn't he get arrested once for being high and playing the bongos on a beach while topless? I seem to recall that he did, but also,  I generally think of him as a kind of cashed-up American hippy so I might just be making up the bongos thing because it sounds like a cashed-up American hippy's Friday night.

I don't make a habit of thinking about him, but when I do, there's the slightest bit of affection there because of the film Dazed and Confused.
I love that film. I love him in it. I love everyone in in, but I think I particularly love him in it.

I love it when he says "High school girls. I keep getting older but they stay the same age. Yes they do."
I kind of love it that to this day, he looks pretty much exactly like he did in that film. You know, apart from the recent weight loss.

I don't love that the baby looks like it could be high, but I do love how cute it is.

But enough about McConaughey, this post is not about McConaughey. No it's not. It's about Wiley Wiggins.
One of the things that the McConaissance has led to is renewed focus on his earlier films, including Dazed and Confused, and that's OK by me. It's great to think and read about that film again.
But what's not so great is to see how the years have been a little cruel to Wiley Wiggins, the chap who played Mitch Kramer.

In D&C he was a baby-faced addidas loving awkward teen, which is to say, totally J's type.
And while McConaughey look exactly like he did in his D&C days, this is what Wiley looks like now:

No shit, they're the same guy. Can you believe it? I can hardly believe it. And I don't know what to say about it. I mean, we all look different now, apart from McConaughey. I can't judge the man for looking older because he is older, and so am I and so are you and so is that guy. But this kind of breaks my heart a little. D&C was all about how being a teenager is hard and high school is hard and Ben Affleck is a horrible bully with fluffy hair and bad teeth and all the rest of it. But at the end of the film, there's some hope for Mitchey Kramer. And now this. It's hard to take, you know?
Still, he's probably happy enough, combining acting with working in software.
Oh geez.

Why is Legolas so creepy? (PM)

Good grief, Legolas looks terrible. It looks like he's spent the time in between LOTR and The Hobbit on some kind of elf rumspringa.  And to be honest, I can see why you'd need to. Living in an elf kingdom where everyone is poised, beautiful and lives forever and the lighting is always really great would have its downside. No one ever tripping and falling in a comical way. What do they laugh at? I bet they never laugh. No one tucking in to a burger and spilling shit all over themselves. I bet they don't even have burgers. Not that you can tell that by looking at 2014 Legolas. But seriously, I prefer this life to the elf life because:
- getting older is definitely better than getting dead, just like J said
- I like burgers.

Ha, look what happens when you search "orlando bloom burger"

That's not a burger, LegLOLas.

Why is Legolas so creepy? (AM)

We're all getting older. You, me, that guy. And that's cool. Better old than dead, right? I don't mind it so much. I don't like the pigment spot on my chest or the fact that my hair is getting even worse with age. But I quite like the fact that I feel more emboldened to wear lipstick and heels. LB seems to feel sad he doesn't party on any more, but in truth when he does he complains about that too. I've also begun to appreciate not being beautiful. I don't mean that in any kind of "please say I'm beautiful" way, I just mean, I'm ok-looking I guess and that's kind of great because imagine being beautiful and then losing your looks. That would be way more depressing. Why am I talking about this? Is it because one of the Misses Soft Crabs celebrated a birthday this week? No. It's because I saw a preview for The Hobbit the other day.

I realise I am a little late to this party but I guess I am just not that interested in those films so didn't pay much attention when the recent movie came out, but after telling Baby about gollums my Mum and Baby watched some Hobbit clips. And I joined in.

I thoroughly enjoyed the Lord of the Rings movies, they were epic and exciting and all that good stuff you want in an adventure film. Plus they had a selection of hunks. Naturally, I only (mainly) had eyes for Aragorn. Because, well...

 But that didn't mean I couldn't appreciate Legolas. An ethereal pretty boy leaping around, whipping out his bow and arrow and picking up distant murmurings with his heightened elf senses. I mean, I am human, I am not totally immune to the elvish charm.

But I didn't think about Legolas much and on the whole I've never been a huge Orlando Bloom fan. He's fine and all but not very interesting so I certainly never thought about him much, but when I saw him in the ad for The Hobbit I was a bit horrified.

 I couldn't really find a picture that captured how terrible he looks in it. Kind of puffy and definitely weird. Maybe it is a trick of the make up or CGI. But why would you use those powers for evil, like puffing up Legolas and making him look like some creepy puffy elf that has been on a bender for the last three years? Use CGI and make up for good not evil! So maybe it isn't age that has aged him. Maybe rather than being thankful that I was never a pretty young thing I should just be grateful I am in charge of my own make up and live a CGI-free lifestyle.

Internet, you've ruined hunks (PM)

Gee Mate, way to hit the nail on the head. For ages I've been grappling with this feeling, this very strange feeling, that the golden age of hunk has passed. I looked around at the current offerings and felt nothing at all in my hunk chakra. Just a mild sense of irritation at how annoying they all seem. But now I realise it's the goddamned internet that's to blame. Eff you, internet, why you gotta ruin hunks for us?

But, if I'm honest, the internet also saved me from getting a boner for Channing Tatum, which was stirring a little after I saw Magic Mike. But then he was in my face so much that that boner went away and it went away forever. And that's thanks to the internet. So I guess there's two sides to this internet coin. 

And now, let me bid you all good weekend with this picture from the golden age of hunks. No ensemble cast better represents hotness that balances on a knife's edge more than these tuffs. 

The Oscars 2013

I think you know what is about to happen here. But before we get into it, can I just say how thankful I am that the Oscars producers read our 2012 post and put a few genuine hunks into the mix this year. Still, it would help if they didn't include so much shit in the coverage. Fuckers.

K: Oscars 2013. Serve it up, let's go!

You know I don't even know who's won any of these bitches.

J:  I know who won a few. Not many. Let's get the elephant out of the room. If this is the hunk-free nightmare it was last year I'm going to

...

...

Be really upset

K:  Same.

J:  I calling it on MacFarlane, I think he will suck.

K:  Yeah. I'm feeling like I wish it was Brian Griffin.

J:  That would be great!

K:  Not a real guy. 

Ooh, DDL! Still a hunk.

J:  A laughing DDL! Yeah, he's still got it.

I wonder if Leonardo is there. We can get to the bottom of whether he is a hunk.

 At this point Seth MacFarlane did a thing with William Shattner in his Star Trek guise. It was not funny and was based on the (all too believable premise) that MacFarlane would be a terrible host. 

K:  Shattner's calling it too

J:  Shattner knows what's what.

K:  Mate, are we going to make it this year?

J:  I've got some hard liquor on standby so I think I'll be ok.  For a while at least.

K:  What's your poison?

J:  Left over Ikea spirits. It worked for the Brownlow.

K:  I've got some peach schnapps, come to think of it.

J:  Thank god. Fuck, I can't believe this Shattner thing is still going. I don't know if the Ikea liquor is going to be enough.

K:  No hunks yet. I can't help but notice. 

Hang about...

J:  Joseph Gordon Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe. YES! Dancing no less! #WIN #gonetoosoon.

K:  Sure, but it's kind of a mess.

J:  I'm trying to look on the bright side

K:  I think I've got a bad attitude.

J:  Drink the schnapps. Joaqs and Rain!

K:  Let’s hope some hunks rise like Pheonixes from the ashes of last year.

J:  Heh heh

K:  Thanks mate. Those Ikea spirits really work

J:  I'm not drinking yet!

Probably I'll think Affleck is a hunk by the end of this

K:  But not Cooper. Never Cooper.

J:  If I think Bradley Cooper is a hunk after this I'm never watching the Oscars again. Or putting myself in any hunk-free environment.

 

K:  Paul Rudd and Mel Mac!

J:  #winningcombos

K:  I love these guys. Slappin da bass

J:  You know what else is good? Ikea spirits! I've had to start drinking and this one tastes like caraway

The bottles are little, I just decided to go for 2 at once

J: The Avengers quintet! This could be hot!

K:  But where's Hemsworth?

J:  Shit, I missed the bit where he did not say Hemsworth's name. This is not hot.

K:  No, no it's not. Ruffalo looks like a young Shattner. Which is to say, not hot

J:  Some people are only hot in movies. Like Marky Mark.

K:  What are you saying, Mate?

J:  I saw Graham Norton on the weekend. Marky Mark and Fassbender were on it! I think Wahlberg was drunk. He was kind of a d-bag. Anyway maybe that’s Ruffalo.

K:  That's so disappointing. How was Fassbender?

J:  Marky Mark kept interrupting him, he hardly spoke but he laughed a lot. I had to admit, the guy has something.

K:  Eureka!

My lappy battery is down to 58% capacity. I'm using at as an indicator of my own capacity.

J:  I don't like Halle Berry but I'm pretty attracted to her dress. I didn't see it in long shot though.

J: There it is. I like it.

K:  It's got some specialness I think. Its certainly better than the other snore makers

J:  Liam!

K:  Liam!

J:  HAHA! Liam still gets the Schindler's List music when he comes out.

I set my TV to change to The Mindy Project in case the Oscars was too boring #forwardthinking

The Phoenixes are sitting next to Jennifer Anniston.

K:  It looks a little out of place, doesn't it? But maybe they are all amigos.

J:  Probs its just difficult to organise the seating plan for the Oscars.

I just found a possum in the kitchen. It scared me. Then I scared it and it ran out the window.

Hey, All That Jazz. From back when they knew how to make musicals. Yes C-Zets!

...Oh, songs from all the musicals in Oscar history. No thanks!

Russell Crowe has seen better days. Oh, there was no prerecording of this Les Mis extravaganza.

K:  Sorry Mate, I was offline for a little bit. But I'm back now for the musical megamix. Holy shit! 

Never mind Russell Crowe , there was a possum in your kitchen?

J:  It came in through the window. It was in the sink.

It ran back out the window and

 K:  Oh the poor little poss. I bet it was thirsty.

J:  Who isn't!

K:  Ha!

K:  I want someone to win something. Someone hunky.  Or someone wearing a good dress

J:  Dream on.

Hang about.

K:  HANG ABOUT!

 

K: I like Ted's Boston accent

J:  I like it too. Also, I love Marky Mark again. Everyone has bad days. Especially when they are drunk.

K:  He's still got it. Whatever MM's version of 'it' is

J:  'It's' special. I know that much.

K:  Yeah, 'it' is. Imagine if Marky Mark was Jewish

J:  Oh, boy.

K:  Oy boy.

Marky Mark and Ted were announcing the best sound editing awards.

K:  Lot of hair in this category...

J:  People sitting in dark rooms doing sound editing. Perfect hair growing conditions.

K:  22% battery left, FYI

J:  UGH. Hathaway. Get off.

K:  Yes please. Get off.

J:  Seriously.

K:  Remember when she hosted? Ugh

J:  Oh, that was the worst! The worst! I think I don't like any actress less.

K:  16 per cent battery mate! #runningonempty

J:  Well, even though these Oscars are boring as the proverbial bat shit (what kind of proverb writer would write one about bat shit?) You've gotta admit the hunk quotient is higher than last year.

K:  A little bit. Just a little bit. No Christian Bale, I can't help but notice.

More DDL wouldn't go astray #ifyouvegotitflauntit

J:  #truedat Still, Marky Mark, the Radcliffe-Gordon Levitt dance, Joaqs in the audience. Last year it was like there wasn't a handsome man in the audience.

K:  So true. Joaqs in the audience has been a real boon.

Where is Casey?

Also, where are the straps on all the dresses of all the ladies? It's just shoulder after shoulder tonight...

J:  Oh, I know. Where is Casey Affleck and where are the straps. But seriously folks, why isn't Casey Affleck there with his brother or brother in-law?

K:  Shit mate, I'm on reserve battery power! 7 per cent!  

J:  I don't if you are still there mate, but KStew and Radcliffe! #togetheratlast

K:  I went to clean my teeth. What did I miss?

J:  Just more broken promises.

K:  That's Oscartown

  

J:  Yep. Another year, another 5 hours wasted.

K:  Oh, no you don't mate!! MY HOMEGIRL

J:  She's rapping

K:  I wish she would do the rap from Austin Powers

J:  #memories

K:  You know, it's surprising one of my brothers isn't gay, what with all the milk of Barbra Streisand we were nursed on.

J:  Probably one of them is #keepitinthecloset HAHAHA! Obviously I do not think either of your brothers is gay

K:  No one does Mate. But I bet we came close. Anyway. I'm going to hit the sack.So who won stuff?

J:  Argo won best movie, DDL won best actor, Ang Lee won best movie, Jennifer Lawrence won best actress. I think. I'm a bit making this up. Improv they call it in the biz. The Internet tells me Django won best original screenplay and Argo won best unoriginal screenplay.

K:  Ha. Well, good for you, winners. Bad luck losers. And goodnight to you my friend. me:   

J: Yep, movies night of nights. Over. Thank God. 'Night.