No (PM)

Are you fucking kidding me?! FIVE HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE DOLLARS! Well, whatever, if your the fucking idiot that wants to buy those bathers you may as well drop 600 bucks on 'em. See if I care.

K actually sent me a link to those bathers yesterday, she said "Look at this swimsuit" and what I read was, "Look at this swimsuit I'm thinking of buying." Though let me make it quite clear those last 4 words were nowhere near the epage. I guess that is just what I infer from every emailed link to a product. And so you can imagine what I felt when I arrived at the webpage, confusion mainly, followed by more confusion. Followed by realisation. Followed by more confusion, you know that these bathers existed.

Also, Mate, I see the issue with the gold hardware is important, but you didn't even acknowledge the fringe. A fucking on a swimsuit.

But I guess fringes are really hot right now. Check out this fringed jumper I saw no less than 1 week ago on the Gorman website. Read carefully friends, I said 1week, not 1 decade ago.

You see fringes are so hot right now. Oh, hang about that is fucking repulsive too.

No (AM)

I thought I'd seen it all when the other day, Country Road sent me an email telling me that these jeggings are a 'must have'.

Honestly, Country Road. Get real.

They are jeggings. And they are shiny. 

The only thing that 'must be had' in this scenario is a good hard look at yourselves, Country Road. 

 

I hadn't seen anything yet, however. 

 

When browsing the interwebs for swimsuits I might like to buy for when I GO TO ICELAND NEXT MONTH in order to BATHE IN THE BLUE LAGOON with THESE ADORABLE GOONS I found this.

A pair of bathers adorned with that most practical of swimsuit materials: METAL. 

Its manufacturers ask you to: 

"Indulge yourself with the distinguished glamour of this showgirl inspired piece. The dramatic embellishments and gold hardware give this one-piece swimsuit the ultimate high impact shine."

"Gold hardware". 

"High impact shine". 

Said like these are actual things. 

How do such things get made? So many people would have had to have given this the OK, for it to find its way to the marketplace. But nothing about these bathers are OK! It looks like Brynne Edelston's version of a burkini. 

And you'll never guess how much it costs. Seriously, you couldn't possibly guess this, so don't even try. 

$599. 

I just...I can't even. 

TGIF (AM)

This morning I was lying in bed, listening to the radio while half asleep, and heard what sounded like someone saying that scientists have made a breakthrough in their use of stem cell therapies, allowing them to restore hearing to deaf gerbils. 

At first, I thought cute!

Then I started to think gee, I didn't realise that deafness was an issue in the gerbil community, and if it is, how did the scientists know about it? Could all those things people say about sex and gerbils be true, and could the use of gerbils in sex acts have caused the scientists to become aware of an hearing affliction within the species? Were those early sex gerbils in fact little fuzzy pioneers who's sacrifice will be remembered by generations of gerbils with crystal clear hearing? Then I started to think shit scientists, I know gerbils deserve quality of life too, but shouldn't you really be trying to make things better for humans, not gerbils, you sick fu(ks? 

Then I realised that it was 6:15am, I was half asleep and there was a fair chance that I had misheard the radio presenter and in fact it wasn't deaf gerbils in whom scientists had restored hearing using stems cells, it was probably something like deaf Germans. There would be no massive public health intervention directed at gerbils and I needn't worry about the misuse of public money (which is something I worry about all the time) or that scientists are creepy. 

I chuckled at myself for being a dufus, then I chuckled at myself for real over all those gerbil thoughts I had then I tried to squeeze in a few more minutes of shut-eye. 

Now I am properly awake and there is this.  I guess the world makes both a little more and a little less sense to me now. 

Anyway, TGIF you guys. 

 

What's wrong with this picture? (AM)

You know what you don't see around much anymore? Pinboards. The Torquay supermarket has one though. People sell cars, furniture, surfboards, wetsuits, boats, yep, they sell all kinds of things on that pinboard. They try to, anyway. I guess I just see the signs, I don't know the outcomes. Though I'd like to think I know the outcome of this here ad I saw recently.

There is so much wrong with this picture.

1. The person who put it there must have bought all three 50 Shades of Grey books. I know that they have sold about 50 zillion copies, so people other than this one have bought them, still, having been subjected to a brief, yet painful, reading from the first book I still have trouble believing it.

2. "Will not separate" HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, oh God. I effing love that so much. Will not separate!!! Like it is some antique table setting. Or a set of crystal ware. No this person can not, WILL NOT, see these books be separated. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

3. "Exc. cond." Ewwww. No one wants to know the condition of your faux porn.

4. Eeeewwwwww. Why are you selling your faux porn?!?!

5. "$20" Is advertising to the whole of Torquay the fact that you own, and are now done with, your 50 Shades of Grey trilogy worth it? Selling your dignity for twenty bucks. Get some self respect!

Fragmented Friday (PM)

Girl, you love alliteration so much you want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant!

Anyway,  HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAAHHAHA. Oh Liam Neeson! HAHAHAHAHA. That is so funny! I love it every time.

I'd love to share some fragments from my week with you too, but now all I can think about is Liam Neeson. I effing love that guy. He just won’t quit, will he?!

I guess, I did take something else away from your post mate, mate. Extra large photos of near-empty melted ice-cream dishes have no place in front of my eyes.

You know what does, though?