A box of Miss Soft Crab assorted (PM)

Bennifer II are splitting up?! See that's why I don't read the paper. Not really, I don't read the paper because when I read about anything the government or  opposition say or do I get so depressed and world events... Forget about it. And even though it's great for the US that they have marriage equality it just made me so depressed that those conservative United States are more progressive than Australia. Seriously WTF?!

But a box of assorted has to have some delights too, right?! I can't stop thinking about this bread my neighbour made yesterday. It's based on a no-knead recipe from the NY Times and it was so freaking good we ate half a loaf in one sitting. Slathered with butter and Vegemite. Yeah boyeeeeeee! I'm planning to make it ASAP. I'd link to the recipe but I'm writing this on my phone as we head to the snow. 

And snow is delightful!

29 June 2015 (PM)

Ironically, in that Alanis Morrisette way and not in any actual way, it is my last month before returning to work from maternity leave. I guess  my feelings are mixed too. Exhaustion is moderate. But I'm going to the snow this week so I'm trying not to think about all that other stuff.

... time lapse...

Turns out I'm not thinking about anything at all, because after starting that post this morning I just zoned out into some world of non... just non. I guess my brain is already in the snowy wasteland. Sorry.

Ski trip 2014 (AM)

Last night I got back from a few days at Thredbo. It's funny going to the snow from Melbourne. I guess because the climate is so completely different it feels like going on a big holiday. It kind of rules. I felt after four days like it was a pretty nice break. l met a woman who'd been there three weeks. It made me think "Whoa she must be loaded" and "That must feel like a million years." And also "Nice life!"

The snow is a weird place. Firstly, it's so beautiful.  

There's funny things about it though. Like at the snow a house automatically becomes a chalet which makes it seems so much more glamourous. (Although  Wikipedia has some interesting things to say on this).

Even if the bookshelf is full of Danielle Steele novels the fact it is in a chalet makes it classy. And somehow a shelf full of Danielle Steele novels seems appropriate in a chalet. 

And faux fur throws which would otherwise seem gross seem awesome.

Baby did skiing lessons which reminded me of my first skiing lessons and made me realise that a lifetime of experiences makes going through mildly traumatic or difficult experiences so much easier. If your lifetime is 35 years and not 4 years. 

Apparently if you only have a 4-year lifetime of experiences, falling over repeatedly on snow while wearing planks on your feet feels even shitter than if you have 35 years of experience. But learning to ski still rules! 

But not as much as going on a waterslide. 

No scrubs update (PM)

Mate! These are exciting times. You are at a turning point in your No Scrubs journey! Stand strong matey. Your hair looks great in those pictures. 

I can understand your desire to wash but just wait. I think the baking soda and vinegar thing may be worth trying down the track. You know if your hair was a fridge. Ha! Just jokes. You should try it but just consolidate the no scrubs I reckon. 

Me, I'm up at the snow right now. I don't know what the altitude and frigidity is doing to my hair. And frankly I don't want to know. 

Goodbye snow, hello shame

Thanks for sharing your snow learnings, J.

It made me think about what the snow has taught me. I think the main thing I have learnt is that shimmying down the mountain for a few days is fantastic, but then it's really time to go home. I get sick of wearing so many layers, and the fact that all the indoor places smell a little bit like wet dog. So that's what I have learnt from snow.

But I've also learnt something else today.

This morning I accidentally clicked on a link that actually wasn't a link at all, but was a virus. My computer totally lost it. It went black and stopped doing all the things computers do. I called the IT guy and told him what had happened. He told me that black screen is very bad and he would have to rebuild my computer from scratch.

"Please try your hardest to keep everything from the desktop!" I pleaded.

"There is a lot of really important stuff on there that I really need!!".

I was referring to all of the work I had been doing for the last couple of weeks and had saved on the desktop because sometimes, I just don't feel like digging around the network for the right spot to save stuff. Losing all of that work would be terrible! IT guy needed to save it!

He assured me that he would definitely be able to save everything, so I trotted off feeling very relieved.

It was much later that I remembered my desktop also housed a folder containing all of the pictures of Ewan McGregor and Don Draper that I have ever posted on Miss Soft Crab. ALL OF THEM! That amounts to quite a lot of photos of hunks that I am keeping in a folder on my desktop.

Of course, the IT people couldn't retrieve the work I had done without also retrieving the folder with the pictures of the hunks. And by the time I realised, the damage would have been well and truly done. I'm pretty sure they thought it was the pictures of the hunks I was referring to when I said the stuff on my desktop was "really important stuff that I really need!" because there was a lot more smirking than usual when I went to retrieve the computer. Damn those nerds!

Anyway, I have learnt an important lesson about only posting pictures of hunks when I am posting from home. Which is why this post is so late.

Thanks for waiting.
Here is a picture of a new hunk, Michael Fassbender, for everyone to enjoy.
You're welcome!

Ski Trip Pt III - What I learned

I guess that while I was at the snow it's not that I learned things, exactly. More like things I already knew became identified, realised. Much like the theory of the snow plough/pizza slice shape one must make with their skis to stop, which I had long known but never done until last week, I feel like many things made this same transition from theory to reality.

They still listen to Pearl Jam

We had a coffee at the bottom of one of the runs at this 'Bavarian Beer Hall'. It is just a place with that name. It sells beer. It has a confused identity. It has a mountain theme, you can tell by the deer heads and horns on the wall. It sells food, fish and chips, burgers, pizzas.


Yes, they have a traditional Bavarian pizza. And they have red and white check table cloths. Don't they know that means Italian?!


When we were leaving they started playing Pearl Jam. It really made sense to me. Pearl Jam seems the exact music that snow sport enthusiasts listen too. A few days later I heard a cover band playing late '90s Foo Fighters. Of course.

Snow chains are really important

When you see the sign that tells you to put your snow chains on and then you see snow, put your snow chains on. Maybe you will think everything is ok, then hit a slippery spot, then have someone pull the handbrake in panic, then the car could do a 180 turn into, thank god not off the, side of the mountain. Anything could happen without snow chains. Use them.

Learning a new skill is awesome

It's not really that often that I learn a new skill. I wish it happened more because it is awesome. I only skied for two days. Lesson day then one more day. That second day I was by myself. And I forgot my gloves. In the first hour I fell over and my hands were freezing and skiing seemed boring. Then I had a coffee and went back for more. By the end of the day I could manoeuvre around all the people and not fall over and I felt so great. I kept saying to myself, 'This will be my last run,' but then I would have all this fun and I would keep going back for more! It's not like I can ski good or anything, just better than before and it is so exciting. I want more new skills.

Reflections on Year 9 ski camp

Year 9 ski camp had a reputation as the most awesome thing that our school did, apart from serve alcohol at the year 12 formal, and not including providing an education for us. All it was was three days skiing at Mount Buller, but for some reason, from more or less the first day of Year 7, everyone looked forward to it and was convinced it was going to rule.

In reality, year 9 ski camp took the social nightmare of being a teenager at an all girls school into a place that is really cold. It was basically cold Mean Girls. But Tina Fey didn't write it and therefore was not funny. AT ALL. I'm sure some people had an awesome time, but this directly related to which tier you belonged to.

At the top of the pile were the girls who went skiing every year with their families. They knew what they were doing. They used words like "pomma" and "black run" and wore ski gear from Surf, Dive 'n' Ski. For these girls, ski camp was the awesome time we all hoped it would be.

In the middle were the girls who didn't know how to ski, but were athletic and competitive and had no fear. They wore practical gear that allowed them to get the job done. They probably had a fairly good time at ski camp too.

At the bottom of the hierarchy were the kids who have never skied, have no athletic ability, fear the cold and either wore gear that was more suitable for temperatures in the mid-teens, or in my case, gear that their mothers borrowed from a friend who has four sons. Four sons! Do I look like your son, Mum? Do I?

Anyway, year 9 ski camp was a total nightmare for those of us in tier 3, a nightmare that began as soon as we arrived.

We were all told to put on our skis and board the chair lift. I had serious reservations about this, what with never having skied before and never having been on a chairlift before. However, the general Mean Girls environment was not, shall we say, a safe place to voice one's reservations. Those of us who had them spent a long chairlift ride quietly reflecting on them. Plus, the teachers insisted we do this and told us it would be fine! They are teachers, they know what they are talking about, right?

I'm sure you can see where this is going.

When the chairlift ride finished, the top tier girls whisked off happily. The rest of us immediately fell over and pretty much formed a pile of human destruction that got bigger and bigger as each chair deposited its load of girls. They basically had to stop the chairlift so they could clear the area, which was easier said than done given that we were all wearing skis, and snow is really slippery. People would get up, then fall over, then get up, then fall over, etc. etc. etc.

Meanwhile, the teachers were literally nowhere to be seen, because people look exactly the same in snow gear. So there we were, lying contorted in the snow, unable to recognise anyone or anything apart from our own dreams which lay shattered around us.

For many of us, the trauma of the chairlift incident basically ruined the whole camp for us. We had ski lessons in the afternoon, but the damage was done. All our energy then went in to convincing teachers that we were sick and couldn't ski the following day. Those of us who were successful sat around in the canteen drinking hot chocolate and looking at the floor. We barely spoke. Turns out that teenage girls with broken spirits are terrible company.

Some girls rallied, and managed to master the snow plough by the third day. Those girls were the tough ones. I just sat in the cafeteria drinking hot chocolate.

It took me years to ski again. And I have never really felt the same about hot chocolate either.

But now I love both! Hooray!

Remember that time I skied a blue run?

Yay!

Just imagination

Your first ski lesson sounds exactly like mine!*

The European instructor, the fact that snow is really slippery and people who can ski don't seem to appreciate how scary that is, the attrition rate of the class, the excitement of doing your first successful snow plough.

I bet you were loving it by the end, right!

I actually get lessons every time I go to the snow because I am quite bad at all sports, and I love all the Europeans who teach ski school. Having said that, my all time favourite lesson was not from a European at all, it was from a Japanese lady called Yuko.

Many years ago, Rib-Eye and I went to Queenstown and while he went off to carve up that sweet powder (is that right?) I booked myself in for a lesson. I started at the bottom level to work on my snow plough. By afternoon I was ready for more of a challenge, so booked a group lesson with Yuko to learn how to do turns.

Though English was Yuko's second language, she made a real effort to explain the art of snow turning to us. She explained that we have to lean our weight to one side if we want to turn, but struggled to convey that we lean the opposite direction from the way we want to turn. Stop me if you know this already, but you basically lean your weight to the right if you want to turn left, and lean your weight to the left if you want to turn right.

Anyway, folks were leaning this way and that and stacking in to each other left right and centre. It was hilarious actually, but I guess some people were not amused. Anyway, Yuko was not OK with what was going on, so after a while, she gathered the group together and said (now I hope everyone has their Japanese accents ready!):

"Imagine your ski have tiny tiny speaker on them, for music listening. On reft ski, the reft speaker. On right ski, the right speaker.

When you want make reft turn, rean crose to hear music from right speaker. When you want make right turn, rean crose to risten to reft speaker. When you want go straight, risten in stereo!!"

Yuko looked very pleased with this analogy, and rightly so.

But as if this wasn't adorable enough, she then said:

"Not real, just imagination!".

She was super cute and that was defo my favourite ski lesson.

*Well, that's not strictly true. The first time I ever had a ski lesson was on Year 9 ski camp and it was pretty much the worst day of my life. It was so bad that I prefer not to include it in the part of my memory reserved for skiing experiences, but keep it instead in the part of my brain reserved for things I never ever want to think about again. Tune in to MSC tomorrow for a full description.

Ski Trip Pt II

I had my first ski lesson on Friday. I had never skied before. Not ever.

I decided I wanted to ski instead of snowboard because snowboarding seemed more unnatural and harder. This is what I had thought and this is where the thought had stopped obviously, because it wasn't until I put on skis in the snow that I realised that having skis on is also really hard and unnatural; that if you have never worn skis before it is really hard to manoeuvre and it is just as hard to stand still.

But that was before my lesson, when LB made me put the skis on to see how it felt. My instructor, Federico, was much more gentle, easing me into this new experience.

Federico, obviously, was Italian. He took the group of eight first-timers that I was in. Within 1/2 an hour the group was down to seven. By an hour, six. Ten minutes later it was at five.

First Federico made us put one ski on then ski around in a circle. Then put the ski on the other foot. And circle. Then he would say things like, "Parfect"*. Then we put on two skis and parallel walked up the slightest of inclines. "Bend your knees in towards the slope. Parfect!"

Then skiing down that slightest of slopes. "Open your snow plough." He would say. And when he had tips for us he would start it with "Attention."

"Attention, look forward not at your skis."

"Attention, don't put your poles in the ground."

It was doing the parallel walking (about 4m) up this slight incline that the first girl dropped out. She could not do it. She did not want to. She left. But after a few of these slight 4m ski goes we went up the mountain a bit. Not on a chairlift mind you, but on the Magic Carpet. This is a travelator stuck in the mountain. You see this diagonal line of little people in the picture below? They are on the first leg of the Magic Carpet.


Once we got up to the top a guy in the group that had also been having some trouble got off the travelator, skied all the way down and was never seen again.

The rest of us followed Federico. It is fair to say at this point I was the least competent and least confident. But Federico seemed sure we could all ski down the mountain. I quickly proved him wrong with my complete inability to spread my snow plough wide enough. (Ewww, what?!) Ah, but Federico, he just held my hands and skied down backwards in front of me. Guiding me. "Attention, don't, how you say in English 'AH AH'?"

"Panic?"

"Yes, don't panic. Just relax. You are very, how you say in English?"

"Tense?"

"Yes tense. Just relax."

Federico was right. I just had to relax and after that I really did get better. When he taught us how to turn I was no longer the worst in the group. I felt super.

When LB came to meet me afterwards we went up the Magic Carpet together and it was fine. Fun. Here I am carving shit up.




Then he convinced me to go up further in a chair lift. "Sure!" I said with my new found confidence. But it turns out going on a chair lift with skis on for the first time is scary. Going down a steeper incline than from the travelator is also scary. I kept having to think of Federico, "Just relax. Don't be so tense."

Thanks Federico, what a great ski and life lesson! PARFECT!

*Please ensure you read all Federico's words with an Italian accent.

Snowy reflections

Wow, look at all that snow!


Thank goodness Paz has a hint of boy-scout, because even though LB is really awesome at a lot of things, I don't think he is a good mountain King. But he shouldn't feel bad, because being king of the mountain is quite hard I think. Sometimes the sun is shining and everything is still and beautiful and the mountain is basically romancing you sweetly. I'm sure LB would make a very fine king of the mountain in those conditions. But other times it is blowing a gale and hard rain is falling, and it is so cold that icicles start to form on your face. Then the mountain hates your guts and only the extremely hard core or the extremely organised survive. I used to go to the snow with Rib-eye quite a lot, and boy oh boy did that guy like to prepare. Before we set off on our trips, he would consider all possible scenarios and then pack equipment to accommodate them. Dude would have packed snow chains for a springtime trip to Mount Donna Buang, just in case. He also used to firmly believe that skiers needed to maintain their energy levels at all times while on the mountain. To facilitate this, he would stuff the pockets of our ski jackets with fun size mars bars, and we would eat them on the chair lifts after a run. It was really awesome actually.


Anyway, I am looking forward to hearing more about your ski trip. I love the snow and I haven't been in ages, only once since Rib-eye and I broke up in fact. That was a pretty awesome trip though. I skied my first ever blue run on that trip. For those of you who don't know, that's like reading a book with chapters for the first time.


Here I am crossing the imaginary finish line. AB and I skied that run together, but she had to wait for about 20 minutes for me to finish. That's how she managed to capture the special moment.



Good grief. I look so awkward on a pair of skis.