Haiku Thursday

Sick

Functioning ok

I guess. But fading hour

By painful hour

Nightfall. Body aches

Bone sore. Throat, chest...all the pain

Sick be gone you fiend

See you next week

This week there has been a lot of illness in my house. At least it feels like that to me. There has been snot, vomit, tiredness, body pain. Flu.😫 Basically there has been flu. And I have not been immune. Literally. I was not immune and have been feeling like shit. Last night I went to bed at 7:30 and that helped but I'm still feeling pretty off. And its school holidays which means that I have to find something entertaining for Baby which doesn't involve him watching hours of television. (Don't get me wrong, he's been doing heaps of that but I can't let him do that all the time). So now I'm going to leave the house and go to the movies. Oh sure, it's just like watching a giant TV but there will be some sunshine on the way from the house to the car so at least there is that. Let's hope next week I'll be back better than ever!😖

Losing the battle (AM)

I'm sorry guys but I'm just being honest when I say you may as well avoid MSC's AM posts this week. Not only am I riddled with cramps and the attendant terror that any time I could be in labour I've also got some terrible sinus pain that makes my face ache so much it even hurts to smile. And I'm so tired that I need a post lunch nap every day just so I can function even remotely like a human.

On top of that it's so cold. I mean sure Saturday was beautiful but my memory is short and life right now feels like hell.

I should revisit last week's Thursday post and celebrate the good things. OR turn this Monday into a Terrific Tuesday or something. But I can't.

Look, I'll try and improve things by Thursday. The weather does not look like it will cooperate. But if my sinuses improve I feel optimistic. But I guess we'll see how it goes.

And let's remember Saturday really was nice. Except for my stupid sinuses.

Diversification (AM)

I didn't realise how much food is on my Instagram feed until I got gastro this week.
Remember how  on Monday I told you guys about how great my Mum is for helping me through KB's first bout of gastro? Well it turns out gastro is contagious and does not wait for a lady to get home from work before making her barf. No, this gastro had me leaping off the 86 tram and running into the Northcote Social Club to spew in their toilets at 4:30pm on a Monday afternoon. Then my mum came and got me a drove me home. Then I spent many many hours shivering in the bathroom waiting to spew again or with a bucket by my bed. And it was at these times that I would scroll through Instagram and see picture after picture of food which was the very last thing I wanted to see.
It made me realise I need to motherflipping diversify. Apart from Chris Hemsworth and The Onion, I don't really follow many non-food people.
So what's good on Instagram, people?

Also, then my mum got gastro so I had to look after her. Life! 

Day off

Ugh.

Today K is on a plane flying to London. I think. I mean that that is where she is going, I don't know how direct her flight is but let's hope for her sake it's pretty direct. I told her she should take a load off, not worry about today's post, I'd write something so good it would satisfy the AM and PM time slots. I've been half writing posts in my head all weekend. But instead of being able to come good on my promise I am lying sick in bed with a sick baby next to me. My fingers and brain can barely muster the energy to write these lame words and so let's just all take the day off. K? Great! See you Thursday.

Sick day (PM)

I'm sorry to hear you have that fancy sounding sore hand, but frankly it couldn't have come at a better time for me. I'm sick too! I have some tummy complaint that makes me feel like I'm going to spew and had me forcing LB to hold my hand at 5 o'clock this morning and listen to me cry about how sick I felt. I am basically bed ridden too. Couch ridden really and I'm certainly neglecting my motherly duties, particularly those that involve feeding my children because the sight of most foods exacerbates the spew feeling. Despite this I haven't even spewed which I feel thankful for, but do wonder if it would just get rid of this devil inside.

Lucky Ewan is always good for what ails ya.

Anyway mate, I hope you get over your Cuervo Gold disease soon. 

Annual autumn appreciation (AM)

Let's just get this out of the way, it's the second day of autumn and even though March is usually pretty much a continuation of summer, I think I should just celebrate autumn's arrival now so we can all move on. The moderate summer means I've been able to wear jeans and sweaters often enough over the last few months, so naturally I'm not gagging for the cool weather to set in, but last night I did feel like autumn's arrival was pretty timely; let me tell you why.

Last night I felt like shit, basically because I could feel mastitis coming on. If you haven't had that bitch of an illness you are lucky because it basically makes you feel like you have the flu plus a really sore boob. Really effing sore. And I have never even had it badly. A friend of mine was hospitalised with it! Me I just feel shit for a day or two. So there I was last night, one boob killing me, aching body, sore throat, shivers and the decision to go to bed early. But something about the cool night air and the fact that I recently bought a new nightie (what? No, it's great, man-style. I know that sounds dumb, but I love it!) that I was looking forward to wearing made going to bed early seem like an excellent lifestyle choice.

And it was, naturally, because I effing love bed as much as I love autumn! Bed takes on a whole new dimension in the cooler months. Doonas make sense again. The restorative powers of sleep are more restorative because you don't have sunshine working its magic on you during the day. It's a really special place. And I thank the arrival of autumn for helping me remember some of the finest things life has to offer. 

This post not make any sense? Sorry my boob is effing killing me.

Project Chocolate Cake - The Cakes are Baked (PM)

Well, for me, Sunday was baking day. And I gotta tell ya, things did not go exactly to plan for me either.

Firstly, I'm flipping sick. A motherflipping cold. I can't really taste anything properly.

Secondly, because I only have one 20cm-cake tin and because I also didn't want to have too much cake I decided to halve Nigella's recipe, which, like D.Lebs also called for two cakes to be baked and then sandwiched together with an icing. I even thought to myself as I was measuring up, "Well I guess I will inevitably forget to halve something." And, as it was inevitable, I did. I halved everything except the eggs. Is that so bad? I don't know but I do know my cake didn't rise at all. Then again, neither did K's D.Leb cake, so maybe it was just some par for this weird course. Oh sure the cake got a giant dome, like all cakes (how the eff do you make an even topped cake?!?!?), but the edges, pah like pancakes. Has this got anything to do with the egg double up? Who knows.

Oh, sure I could have made the cake again, you know for science, but I've seen what happens to bloggers that cook and test and cook and test recipes.

Not an actual blogger

But, my own personal fuck-up notwithstanding this is definitely a cake with potential. Chucking a bunch of ingredients in a mixer and mixing them before chucking it in a tin and baking, my kind of cake.

As discussed, Nigella's recipe did not have enough cocoa. I tried her recommended dose but tasting the mix I decided it really needed a double up. So I doubled up.


So Nigella wants you to make two cakes, sandwich them together with icing, and ice, top and sides, with icing. Me, I'm not much of an icing gal. Its too sweet for my tastes so I was gonna kybosh the sandwiching, but after coming up with the flatty cake I decided the sandwich would add some height and substance.

The icing is a mixture of sour cream, butter, chocolate, golden syrup and icing sugar. I used a third of the sugar Nigella suggested, you know for thickness, it was pretty sweet, but also, it was pretty damn delicious.

So let's get down to brass tacks. The cake is moist and chocolatey and basically exactly like a chocolate cake. It's yum. But like the Lebovitz cake, the real chocolate hit comes from the icing, and that is not how I want my cake. Plus with the icing, it really was way to fucking sweet. What I know though is that I have learned some lessons. I'd like to try this cake again, maybe up the rising agents slightly, leave off the icing. Or modify it. 

I know that this is a chocolate cake I could meet again. Is it the one? I don't think so. Plus with this cold so the whole affair has been less scientific than I would have liked, because my taste buds and appetite are all askew. But science isn't made in a day.

Hightailing it (PM)

K is leaving in 2 days. She is really lucky. I bet it was almost impossible to focus on writing that post. In truth it is essentially impossible for me to focus on writing this post because I have been bedridden for 2 days after a night of spewing and if I didn't have a small child to look after I would still be in bed now. In fact I barely know what I am writing.

I miss things too. Mostly the feeling of normal and not having the desire to spew all the time. But you know what is good about missing stuff, having a beautiful reunion when you are reunited.

Have a great trip mate. I'll miss you.

These are the insights I have when I'm running (AM)

Did you know that the Misses Soft Crab took up running recently? It's true. Actually, it's not entirely true. The J-Crab has been doing it on and off for years. But I have never done it before. So I guess what I mean to say is "Did you know that I took up running recently, but J has been doing it for ages?" The truth can be so boring.  

Anyway, we've both been running lately. 

It's true what they say about running making you feel like a million bucks. Obviously while I'm doing it I want to puke a lot of the time. But afterwards, and not long afterwards, I feel like a million bucks. And the feeling lasts and lasts. 

And sometimes during the run, I have some moments of clarity that lead to super insights. Like these things, which I thought about this morning:

Shoulders are really important for personal temperature regulation!*

To all the groups of friends walking three abreast on the Princes Park running track - don't!^ 

Dogs who let their tongues hang out the sides of their mouths when they are running look so goofy!#

The rest of the time I just want to puke. 

*I roll up the sleeves of my K t-shirt when I'm running. I expose those shoulders of mine like a hipsterish gentleman exposes his ankles. At first I rolled them up because I thought it made me look tough. Then I realised that when the sleeves fall down and that tiny little bit of t-shirt material covers my upper arms, I steam up like the glass on the front of a bain-marie. So now I think I should get a sleeveless k t-shirt. If anyone sees one, please email me. 

^I guess this isn't an insight, it's just something I think. Groups of friends walking abreast on a running track may be having a lovely conversation, but please, consider the runners. Do you know how hard it is to find the energy to speed up to overtake you guys? Its really hard. Please don't make me do it. 

#

Am I right?

Highlights of a weekend where I ate well but lacked focus (AM)

On Friday night, I drank vodka on an empty stomach. Then, I did that about 50 more times.
What followed was one of the most ineffectual weekends of my life. Honestly, I feel sorry for the people that had to interact with me this weekend.  Talking and making sense, keeping focussed on what other people were saying, observing basic rules of human interaction like not yawning in people's faces - all of this was pretty hard for me over the last couple of days. And I kind of had a lot of stuff to do, like:

• make chutney
• attend chutney club
• interact with my brothers and sisters of chutney
• make something out of Plenty for the second Plenty Pot Luck dinner
• attend the second Plenty Potluck dinner
• interact with my sisters of plenty (I love how that sounds like a religious order). 

So it wasn't a good time to say goodbye to cognitive function. And the really unfortunate thing about it is that it was a weekend that involved a lot of really great food that I would have loved to have talked about today. But do you think I managed to photograph all that delicious stuff? No way, no how, readers. Happily, J was on hand to be the sensible and responsible one so this afternoon we should be able to count the ways we ate so well on Saturday. I'm on my own for Sunday's Plenty Pot Luck of course, but I was feeling a bit better by then.

Anyway, before J sweeps in this afternoon and returns respectability to Miss Soft Crab,  I can share the following snaps that I managed to take during brief moments of lucidity.

Here we have the chutney table, at the beginning of the session.
David pickled some beans and then turned them in to a salad that was like a sauce gribiche, but in salad form. With prawns!

Miguel made leek and garlic jam that he lathered on toasted cheese sandwiches for all of us.

Blizzie made tomato and tamarind chutney, which they served with delicious bagels and cheese.

Some other people we don't know grew some grapes then made them ferment and carbonated them and turned them in to prosecco which everyone seemed to enjoy a lot. I had a can of coke (not pictured).

I'm afraid that's the only  chutney photo I have to share, with the exception of the one at the top of this post, which is what it looks like when Miguel uses tongs to put a toasted sandwich on your plate and the following, which is what it looks like when a dog wears a baby's bib.

I can say that David and Welly were first class hosts and a lovely time was had by all, even me and I'm not sure that would have been possible anywhere else.

Right, on to Sunday night.  Crimpy hosted Legsley and I for the second Plenty Pot Luck dinner, which is what we call it when we get together and eat things we make from the book Plenty.

I made the Very Full Tart which is Very Effing Good. Legsley made a zucchini and hazelnut salad which was delicious and Crimpy made eggplant croquettes (not pictured). (Idiot).

Again, it was a lovely time and Crimpy was (as always) a first class host.
As you can see, I'm still a little tired and spaced out, so I think it's best for everyone if I press on. Don't worry readers, I'll be fine, and J will be here in the afternoon to make everything better.

Eff you, sale season, eff you (AM)

You know how at the start of a season, if you are a shopper, like I am, you may see some things you like and you may buy a thing or two and you may covet a thing or two and maybe some you think you will revisit come sale season? Well it’s sale season guys and I am drowning!

In fact I don't think I have even bought anything in the sales. But I’ve been thinking about it so much I can’t even remember anymore, guys! I’m losing it, guys! I'm losing it. Because it has become a mad jumble of stuff and desire. 

Yeah, we bought a new doona (that baby is so warm I wish I was under it right now). And some new linen too. Because our old doona cover actually disintegrated, but those don't count. They were pretty much necessities and if you need those things, of course you buy them during the sales. No they don't count at all.  I'm talking about clothes, shoes and accessories, people. The things that came out this season and if you don't snap them up this season they could well be gone forever.

 

I told Russeth about this very cute shirt dress I wanted and he (he, who is a total stuff-lover and stuff-buyer) told me that I should resist, because much like sweet treats, when you open the flood gates, well then the flood comes.

But even though I haven’t opened the flood gates, I’m still drowning! I’m still thinking about that shirt dress. I’m thinking about a two-tone Alpha60 jumper I don’t think they have in my size any more. I’m thinking about a Gorman jumper that is now half price and I want real bad. But I am held back by some invisible internal, mental flood gate. I can’t buy anything and yet I can't stop thinking about stuff.

Just get away from me stuff. Leave me alone. And while you are at it why don't you jack your prices up like the petrol stations so I don't have to think how attainable you are.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to think of something to do today that isn't near shops. Again.

Get well soon, everybody! (PM)

Oh, sure, I've seen those Bupa ads. I guess Bupa stands for something. Stands for a pretty stupid name is what it stands for.

Every time I see those ads I spend the whole thing trying to figure out which one is the healthy person and which one is the sickly person. Sure, it's a little more obvious in that one you linked to, but in some where they focus on just one person there is so little difference I actually really can't tell.

Also, ummmm, I'm pretty sure it's bullshit. I don't have health insurance (I know it's really bad, I should get it. I will soon. I promise.) But I wholeheartedly think that if I did I would look exactly the same and be the exact same level of healthfulness. Maybe I'd look a little less cute because I would have less cash to spend on cosmetics and outfits. Yeah, eff you Bupa! Your ads are full of shit.

I would definitely still have the cold I have RIGHT NOW. How would you make that go away, Bupa? Huh? Could you give me my voice, which I have totally lost, back, Bupa? Would you buy me lozenges, Bupa?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

HAPPY MOTHER FLIPPING BIRTHDAY MISS SOFT CRAB! (AM)

Yes, yes, y'all, you heard right! Today is Miss Soft Crab's first birthday! We began exactly one year ago today! Can you even believe it?!

In some other world we would be throwing a hot party with guests like Vincent Chase and Serena van der Woodsen. But this is the real world guys and those people don't exist here. So instead K and I decided to bake cakes. By ourselves and for ourselves. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! It's a celebration bitches!

My cake was to be loosely based on another first birthday cake that I made last year.

That cake was delicious light sponge iced with whipped cream mixed with icing sugar and passion fruit. And if you ask me it was delicious. Miss Soft Crab's first birthday cake was to be a delicious light sponge.

That sponge would be smothered it with lemon curd. 

And that was to be smothered with whipped cream. Then I would decorate it. Kind of like this.

You guys it would be delicious. 

But this is the stupid real world. And I have been so sick all week yesterday I could barely stand for more than 10 minutes. So no cake guys. 

Might as well imagine Miss Soft Crab's birthday party looked like this rather than imagine a non-existent cake.

 

And let's hope that K has had more success celebrating than me.

Sounds like my Friday night (PM)

Oh geez, Mate. You should have warned me that the story of your Friday night was a sad story! You know I can't handle stories about ageing institutions that were once thriving but are now struggling to find their place in the modern world. Just the other night I got really depressed watching  We need to talk about Kevin because in it, Tilda Swinton worlds at a travel agent and I kept thinking if this was real, all those people would be out of a job now, which I'm pretty sure is not the reaction the filmmakers were hoping for. Everything about that RSL story makes me feel sad, especially the train drawing. That train looks so so sad! I bet Baby liked it though. And LB. Did LB enjoy his meal? I hope so.

I'm sorry you got sick from the frozen pencil fish, but I think you guys should go back and give them another shot. I'll come if you like. Maybe I'll try to convince Midbro to come, and bring Niecey and Piglet. Anyone who would draw such a sad train needs our support.

Sounds like my Friday night (AM)

Oh, hi guys!

How was everyone's weekend? Great I hope! Mine wasn't. Sure it started out good, enjoying a beer with Mickey ‘Mikey Doubleword’ Blue Eyes while Biz played records but by the middle of Friday night I was sweating with a fever and aching in my bones. A nasty effing cold. Did something happen between the beer and the onset of a cold? Yep. Dinner at the RSL.

What? Yeah, it was weird. LB picked me up from the train station and we were going to get a burger from Grill'd. Which we don't even like that much, we were just being lazy. But we had to park the car around the corner, just past the RSL and as we walked past that RSL we had a glance and then another and then, then we just decided to walk in.

The weirdness started pretty much immediately. Of course you could argue it started with our decision to have dinner at the RSL. We were standing at the reception figuring out how to sign in when a young and friendly employee bounded up to help, he was so friendly and helpful. Weird. Then we went into the dining room and as we were deciding where to sit another young friendly guy bounded up, "Table for three?" he asked, "Sit anywhere you like." Hey, thanks for confirming guy.

The toilets had the reassuring smell of a side-of-the-road-motel room and David Bowie was playing on the sound system. I loved it!

There was not a single vegetarian thing on the menu so I ordered fish and chips. And 50 minutes later it came out. I tried to break off a small piece of fish for Baby but it was like trying to break a pencil. A thick frozen pencil. That isn't what fish should be like. It took a second or two for me to figure out that the fish was still frozen in the middle. It seemed so wrong with the deep fried batter and soft outer layer of fish, but there was no denying that fish was frozen solid. The waiter was pretty horrified when I told him. I don't know what I was more upset about. The fact that my dinner was frozen or when I told the guy "the fish is still frozen" that it seemed like a normal sentence. And let me tell you that when my dinner came out again cooked properly I had pretty much had no appetite.

As we were finishing up our "food" an old guy came over. Not super old. Like my Dad's age. He asked Baby "Can I draw you a train?" So he took my notebook and drew a picture for Baby. Turned out this guy was once a typographer but in 1979 when barcodes came in he moved into the barcode making business and had been doing it ever since. Also turned out this guy was secretary of the club. He was a nice guy. Told us they were really trying to establish the dining room, build up the clientele, asked us if we enjoyed our meal, hoped we'd be back. He was really nice, so we just told him we'd had a great time. Which was not entirely a lie.

An hour later I passed out. Two hours after that later I woke up sweating and in pain.

Frozen pencils and heavy sweating?! Sounds like my Friday night!

Beware the Ides of March(AM)

So as we all know, yesterday was the Ides of March which naturally got me thinking about The Gos. 

For the longest time, I have not understood why people love The Gos so damn much. It's a worldwide phenomenon that I can not comprehend.

I've tried to get on board. I've seen all his stupid films, but they did not help me understand the situation. I thought The Notebook sucked and I thought Blue Valentine blew.  

Crazy, Stupid, Love should have been called What, A, Piece, Of, Shit. 


I really don't get it.

Don't get me wrong. I get that he is pretty. I mean, Miss Soft Crab is not blind. Miss Soft Crab has eyes and can see that The Gos is pretty. Miss Soft Crab has uttered the odd phwoar! when watching a Gos film. But mainly, Miss Soft Crab is unmoved by The Gos and wonders why the heck everyone goes so apeshit for him. Why, readers, why?

Like I said, I was pondering this yesterday because it was the Ides of March. And also because I was home sick from work and watched Half Nelson on DVD. When it finished I thought to myself yep, I still don't get this whole Gos phenomenon. He's not for me. No sirree. He ain't no real hunk. He is just some pretty baby. That's all. The rest of the world can have The Gos. I'll take my hunks over The Gos any day. I bet that movie Drive isn't even that good.  Maybe I should go rent it and find out.

I don't know if it was the fever or what but by the time I roused myself from this internal monologue darkness had fallen and I realised I had been lying on the couch thinking about The Gos for a couple of hours.

What the eff is wrong with me, guys.  I think I love The effing Gos.