Fuck you Dove 48 hour antiperspirant

Last week I saw an ad for this deodorant which I found highly offensive. It had a bunch of women lifting up their arms so you could see their underarms. It clearly felt it was pretty confronting and cutting edge showing all those underarms. Like, hey! We're all women! We all have underarms! 

But you know what all those underarms had in common with each other? They were all hairless. You know what they didn't have in common with my underarms and a bunch of other women's underarms? They were hairless. If you want to actually show what a normal underarm looks like why don't you include hairy ones? Stubbly ones. If that ad ain't been so in love with itself I probably wouldn't have cared.  Seriously Dove, that ad was so offensive I would never by your products again. Except I already don't buy your products because I'm trying to minimise my impact on the earth and avoid the shit you put in your products. 

Life Goals Wednesday

I recently stopped following a bunch of brands on instagram that I felt were inspiring my inner consumer too much. Again. A while ago I did the same thing, basically stopped following a bunch of clothing brands and retailers who sell nice things. Because they just made me want to buy clothes all the time. But then slowly, I started following them all again.  Isn't it weird that one follows brands in Instagram? It means that you are willingly just scrolling through a heap of ads. Ads! Willingly! The thing that most of us think we want to avoid all the time. And yet with the current state of things we willingly subject ourselves to them. On Instagram, on mailing lists. Those evil geniuses have sucked us in with nicely styled images and promises of loyalty discounts and now we are seeking out ads! Those things that we used to complain about when they came on during TV shows but now mistakenly think we are avoiding by watching everything on catch up TV and Netflix and illegal downloads. But we must have secretly loved them because we find other ways to access advertising. Willingly! (I guess I'm having trouble coming to terms with this). 

Well today I take a stance. I don't want to be advertised to! I have some dignity! (Jokes. I have no dignity.) I'm unsubscribing from lists and I'm unfollowing on Instagram  and I'm going to become a better, less consumerist person. Or I hope so. Let's see how I'm feeling in a week. 

The hits just keep on coming (PM)

Kick is a really great album. And I’m pretty sure bloatingis something that yoghurt and vitamin companies have made up. Like how Listerine made up halitosis. I’m pretty sure that the yoghurt companies just thought they could capitalise on that feeling people get where they feel fat. I’m pretty sure that bloating is just a euphemism for fat and like 80% of the products in the world the yoghurt companies are trying to make us think (falsely) they will cure the feeling of being fat.

Well eff you yoghurt companies. Then again I guess you just proved one more time why K and I are BFFs.* So thanks yoghurt companies, tearing women down just to build them back up again.

*I know that Frandonna is 24, so I guess K and I have been friends for almost that long. And still learning new things about each other to this day. That’s love, you guys!

The hits just keep on coming (AM)

J and I have been friends for a long time now. Years and years and years. I think 22 years or something. Is that right? It's something like that.* It's a long time. It's not enough, but it's a long time.

There were many things that bonded us together in those early days. That our houses were literally across the road from one another. That we both loved the album Kick by INXS. That the film Hairspray is great, can be watched a million times and the soundtrack has got a good beat and you can dance to it. The song Maxwell's Silver Hammer...that was another one. By the time hunks came along, the glue had well and truly set. 

But though it's been many years since I bonded with J something happened on Saturday night that made it happen all over again.

While watching the footy, we saw an ad for some probiotic choc ball you can get these days, to help restore the levels of good flora in your gut. I wondered out loud how one would know whether one's good gut flora had become depleted to the point that it required restoration via a choc ball.

"Oh you know" J said "I guess you feel bloated or something?".

I could tell from the way she said it that she wasn't convinced of this. I decided to tell her something I have never told anyone before. 

"Mate...I don't know what feeling bloated feels like."

It's true. I don't. I know what eating too much feels like. I know what feeling 'fat' feels like. But bloated seems like a different thing and I don't know if I feel it. Every time I see an ad trying to sell me some product that will relieve my bloating I just sigh and gaze out the window. 

J leapt up. 

"Mate, me neither!" 

It seems that J had been in the same boat as me for yonks, only we'd never spoken about it before. A burst of excited babbling followed, in which we exchanged confessions about what it's like to live in a world where everyone knows what it's like to be bloated but us. The sweet relief of finally being understood!

It was a special moment, and made me think if J wasn't already my BFF, I would really want her to be my BFF. 

*We can actually figure this out...Mondonna once told me there is footage of me lurking about in the background of some home video from when Frandonna was a newborn baby, so we've known one another at least as long as Frandonna has been alive. And I know for a fact that there are people who read this blog who can tell us how long that has been.

Just a Monday post (PM)

I have to say, part of the way through watching that ad for the first time,  I felt happy that they used the word vagina. Finally! I thought. An ad that respects me enough to sell menstrual products by focusing on the relevant body part, not the need to feel 'confident' while playing sport. But then I realised that they only mentioned the word vagina to emphasise how dirty it is and to get me to spend my money on something that will make it more acceptable to go out in the world with one of those dirty things.

D-bags. Eff you guys. 

J'accuse, d-bags

Just a Monday post (AM)

I don't like to start the week off on a negative note usually. I mean, as if waking up on a Monday morning isn't bad enough, then you have to perform your ablutions, probably discover there is no breakfast and I guess on this particular Monday you have to catch public transport with a million other people which seems like 10 million after the quiet of school holidays. Perhaps it is these factors that meant I couldn't avoid the negos today. Sozzles.

But let me just get this out there. Have you seen an ad for some kind of women's sanitary product, I believe it is some kind of 'panty liner' with a naked woman talking about  mid-cycle discharge? (Oh, also, sozzles if you are sensitive to this talk.) So, it's an ad for an inherently offensive a product, a product that exists to make women feel that having undies on and then probably pants or at least a skirt is not enough to keep their disgusting vaginas away from the world. And it is advertised by a nude woman. And she is telling us that even though discharge is healthy and normal it can make a woman feel dirty, and that's fine. WHY THE EFF IS THAT WOMAN NUDE?!?! Why is she telling you to feel dirty?! I read somewhere that the ad received criticism. "Yeah, no shit!" I thought! But when I read on it was suggested that the ad had been criticised for using the word vagina and being too 'real'. WHAT? WHAT?! WHAT THE EFFFFF??!?!

Phew, sorry, before it becomes too late to turn the caps lock off, let's all jus relax and look at this adorable photo of some of the Queen's signets riding under the wing of their parent. 

I am not buying it (PM)

And to make matters worse, it's a shit idea. The first, second, third and fourth times.

You are the jumper?

Honestly.

I am not buying it (AM)

You know, I can't help but think that I if I was  a big business spending my big bucks on advertising, I would maybe feel ripped off.

Carlton Football Club campaign

Nikon campaign

FCUK campaign

Keep a Child Alive campaign

Also, I can't help but feel that Goop might actually not be African.

What just happened? (PM)

Cool story, J.

And earth to Internet: get some information on bittersōt ōrtsnaps, why don't you. People need to know what they are drinking at home on a Monday night.

Bye!

What just happened? (AM)

Last night I sat down to write about Aaron Paul and just when I started writing, an ad for Rivers came on. Of course I was watching the Emmys at the time, you know, hoping to see Aaron Paul and then this Rivers ad came on. It was an ad for clogs. The whole ad is about the fact that they are super ugly shoes but only cost $5. "They're ugly. $4.90. They're so ugly. $4.90" You know the usual Rivers style.

I'd put a picture of them here but I don't want that ugly shit on my blog. I stared at the screen for a minute trying to figure out if I'd really seen what I thought I'd seen. Then I looked at this bottle of bittersōt ōrtsnaps I'd just opened and wondered if that had anything to do with it.

Then I actually laughed out load at a joke made on the Emmys. Must be the bittersōt ōrtsnaps. But it was made by Melissa McCarthy and she is really funny so maybe the joke was funny and the Rivers ad was real. Then I googled for a translation of bittersōt ōrtsnaps turns out google has never even heard of these words!

When suddenly I remember, holy shit. J, haven't you been smoking peyote for six straight days? And couldn't some of this, maybe, be in your mind? It was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.

TGIF (PM)

Well, mate, at least you had The Guardian to solve your mystery for you (really? You’ve never heard of animal testing?) I’m pretty sure the mystery I faced this morning will never be solved.

It’s something that has been baffling me for months but was really shoved in my face this morning as I walked up the escalators at Parliament station past walls plastered with Tag Heuer ads.  Why did Tag Heuer blow all their advertising budget on Leonardo DiCaprio and Cameron Diaz without saving any for the or advertising guys?

If they had budgeted better perhaps they would have had someone to tell them that this picture of Leonardo staring angrily into space while holding a watch in his hand is ugly and stupid. Who holds a watch like that? Shouldn’t he be happily wearing that watch on his wrist? I guess I am not a man, so maybe as a person outside their target market I’m missing something but this ad just has me asking questions, not coveting watches. People of advertising, you’ve effed it again.

TGIF.

Get well soon, everybody! (PM)

Oh, sure, I've seen those Bupa ads. I guess Bupa stands for something. Stands for a pretty stupid name is what it stands for.

Every time I see those ads I spend the whole thing trying to figure out which one is the healthy person and which one is the sickly person. Sure, it's a little more obvious in that one you linked to, but in some where they focus on just one person there is so little difference I actually really can't tell.

Also, ummmm, I'm pretty sure it's bullshit. I don't have health insurance (I know it's really bad, I should get it. I will soon. I promise.) But I wholeheartedly think that if I did I would look exactly the same and be the exact same level of healthfulness. Maybe I'd look a little less cute because I would have less cash to spend on cosmetics and outfits. Yeah, eff you Bupa! Your ads are full of shit.

I would definitely still have the cold I have RIGHT NOW. How would you make that go away, Bupa? Huh? Could you give me my voice, which I have totally lost, back, Bupa? Would you buy me lozenges, Bupa?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Get well soon, everybody! (AM)

I watched Downton Abbey last night. What a cracking episode!

Just quickly, some beloved Downtonians caught the Spanish flu and it made me really glad that my people who have colds now don't have the Spanish flu. That shit is nasty. Get well soon friends!

But back to last night's teev. During the ad breaks I kept seeing ads for some health insurance company called Bupa. I don't care for the name Bupa. It sounds an awful lot like the word pupa which is a gross word, even though it refers to a stage of insect transformation, which is kind of impressive. I don't really like insects, but I guess I admire the fact that they can undergo so much change and don't seem terribly traumatised by it. A lesson for us all, n'est-ce pas?

Anyway. 

In this Bupa ad, due to the magic of television, two versions of the same person interact with one another. A regular person, and a healthier version of the same person. I guess it's a good premise for an ad that's trying to sell health insurance. Healthier basically means better looking, so Bupa are basicaly showing us how we can look cuter if we buy their product. Health insurance =  sold, am I right? 

Not really, guys. 

Maybe you should check it out. 

Um, is it just me or is the only difference between the 'healthy' and the 'unhealthy' version of these people that healthy ones seem like smug fucks? I hate those douche-bees!

An open letter to Harvey Norman (PS/PM)

Dear Harvey Norman,

What the eff is wrong with you?!?! 


Truth be told I haven't seen the ad K wrote about this morning, 'cause, you know I am too busy in the kitchen and the only people that watch TV in my household are my boyfriend and son. Jokies! IDIOTS! As if! I just haven't seen your stupid ad because fortune has smiled upon me I guess. If I had seen it though I would be feeling exactly like K is. In fact I am feeling the exact way K is.

Do you know how I feel when my team is playing and I am cooking and I come in to look at the TV briefly and see my boyfriend watching the footy. I feel fucking resentful.

Eff you Harvey Norman. EFF YOU!!!

Also, seriously, I know you are a successful business, but I would never buy a TV from you. Even before this despicable ad, your ads have never, ever appealed to me. So there!

Love
J

Don't bullshit me Smiths (PM)

Oh, mate...Yeah, I'm smirking, of course I am. Extra crunchy chips?! 

I'll tell you something. The first thing I thought when I saw the ad for Smith's new 'Extra Crunchy Chips', the very first thing i thought was 'Oh please' (or if Baby or censors aren't in ear shot, 'Fuck off').

You know I used to work as an assistant for a market researcher who conducted those group interviews to understand consumers, so I've spent a lot of time listening to how companies think they can make new products that there is neither a need nor desire for. Until people are told they want that thing. Did you know that Kraft have a product out there called 'Whipped Peanut Butter'?! WHIPPED PEANUT BUTTER!!! (Yeah, I kind of want to try it, of course I do.) WTF?! Who comes up with this shit?!

Extra crunchy chips? Oh please! When have you ever eaten a fresh chip and thought 'this would be better if it were crunchier'? Never! You have never thought that. You've thought 'I wish this was more potatoey', 'I wish this was more salty/tangy/yummy' but only when you have eaten a soggy or stale chip have you thought 'I wish this werer more crunchy'. I know the kettle variety of chips are both delicious and more crunchy, but really what can more crunch give a chip? Nothing! NOTHING!!!

God I would kill for some chips right now.

Don't bullshit me Smiths (AM)

You know what I like? Chips.

You know what I don't like? Being bullshitted.

When a chip company makes a claim like they have produced an extra crunchy chip, I get excited.
Sure, lack of crunch has never impeded my chip eating experience,  but that doesn't mean extra crunch can't make it better, so when I saw Extra Crunchy chips at the store, I bought those babies without a second thought.

I'm sure you've all seen the ads. No? Don't worry, here's a rundown  which pretty much goes through the whole ad, in case the name 'Extra Crunchy Chips' doesn't tell you enough about what we're dealing with here.

From the first bite, I knew I had made a terrible mistake.

I don't know what I was expecting. The most delicious chip maybe? I can not tell a lie. I was pretty much totally expecting that these chips would be the most delicious chips ever - the greatest chip innovation since kettle chips - and they would make all the other snacks taste like tan bark. Why I thought this I can not say. Because I am a hopeless snack romantic? Probably.
Instead of being the most delicious chip, they are just a regular chip, maybe a little less salt than other chips which is a regression, not an improvement. They are not a chip innovation - they are bullshit! They taste like pure disappointment.
I tried three of the flavours and each was more disappointing than the last. I still have to try the chilli flavour, but I'm not holding my breath.  I'm such a fool to believe they have anything I need.

As I write this, I can totally picture J smirking as she is reading it. She will be smirking and shaking her head at my folly because she would never get caught up in that stupid chip dream factory. She would never ever believe that Extra Crunchy chips could be a thing. She is way too practical for that. And she's right. She's always been the sensible one. So its over to you mate. Tell us what you think of this Extra Crunchy malarkey. Tell us what I should have known all along.

What's going on? (AM)

Have you guys seen the new ad for L'Oreal's Mega Volume Collagen Mascara starring Claudia Schiffer? No? Yes? Were you as horrified as I was? Here, watch it for yourself if you like.

If you don't like I will give you the gist. Claudia Schiffer is trying to sell you a 'mega black', 'mega sexy' 24-hour-lasting mascara. Claudia's eyelashes look like mascara brushes in that ad.

See:

That picture on the left is from the ad. The one on the right is just her with regular human eyelashes with a bit of mascara. She looks really pretty with those human eyelashes, right?

Who wants a collagen injection from their mascara? Who wants their mascara to last 24-hours. Are you kidding me?! Get all over your pillow cases?! Have even more trouble than usual getting make-up off?! Fuggetaboutit. 

Did you notice the bit in the ad where she says 'Outrageous!' YES! Claudia Schiffer, that is exactly what it is. Fucking outrageous. Mind you I have definitely seen a lot of falsies around lately. I guess the mascara-brush-eyelash/falsey look is really hot right now or something and why wear falsies when you can just use collagen mascara. Yeah, I was wrong, excellent thinking L'Oreal.

In fact to understand what was going on in the world I looked at some reviews of of this product. After watching one girl talk for 3 minutes on YouTube about how the packaging was great because you could tell when the lid was closed properly I moved on to written reviews. One girl tried it because 'I'm trying a few different volumizing mascaras in hopes of getting big, full, almost fake-looking ones that I admire on some girls...This one was so-so...definitely bigger than my natural lashes but not huge.' Ewwww. Another said 'I really really dislike this product, two words -- spider lashes.' That is pretty much one of the grossest thoughts I ever had put in my head so I basically had to stop reading right then for fear of offending my sensitive soul further.

I'll probably have to stop watching TV too so I don't have to see ads like this any more. Sheesh.

WTF Wednesday (AM)

I'm pretty sure that over the summer the regular people that make ads were on holidays and the mailroom kids were running the show. Have you watched TV recently? Ads are ridiculous.

Have you seen the Gaviscon ad? Gaviscon are obviously so embarrassed about it they don't even have it on the TV adverts page on their website.

It's a pretty standard indigestion medication ad, some people are eating and looking stressed, they obviously have pained tummies, a voice over tells you how great Gaviscon is and a person looks happy.

But right when they are trying to tell you that 'three out of four Gaviscon users feel better after taking it' they show you a picture of a happy woman next to an unhappy man. I couldn't find an appropriate image to illustrate so instead I will show you this picture of R.Patz.

Anyway, I guess the unhappy man is meant to be a non-Gaviscon user, but instead the visual imagery suggests that they both took Gaviscon and that only one out of two people feel better after taking it. That you are just as likely to feel shit as happy. Do your job advertisers! Sheesh!

And have you  seen Helga's Sandwich Thins ad? To me, the product looks like a stale pita bread. The ad tells me that they are a "thin-style bread roll " and that you can have "more sandwich, less bread." Isn't a "thin-style bread roll" a piece of bread? I am not necessarily of the "more is more" school of thought, and yet I can't help but think that perhaps the best way of selling bread is not by telling people they want less bread.

 

WTF, advertisers?! You can do better. And if you can't you are in the wrong industry.

WTF? Wednesday (PM)

OMG WTF?!

You know, Twigley makes me think WTF pretty much all the time.

 WTF is she wearing?

WTF does everyone see in her?

Speech pathology, WTF?

But this! WTF?

WTF was she thinking making this ad with her baby?

WTF is wrong with her face?

And WTF was the stylist and makeup artist thinking?

Oh, I think I know that one.

But the Jiggly baby is very cute.

Keep going!

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Mate you are so right about those rivers ads! They are disgusting. And if I had seen one during this freaking 10 year anniversary of depresso week I probably would have slit my wrists.

I do know the Rivers t-shirt ad you are talking about. It is truly awful. But mate, your interpretation was awesome. You are in the wrong business. You should be in advertising. God, if I laughed as hard at ads on TV as I just did at your Rivers ads I'd be buying even more shit than I already do. Actually I guess you better stay where you are. I can't afford any more stuff.