Oscars round up 2017 (the hunk report)

Well yesterday was finally Hot Oscars day! Oh sure it was also the day that the wrong movie was named as best picture, but we all know that, we don't need to go on about it, right. The real question was did the producers manage to fuck up the golden platter of hunks and make it hunkless and boring? Well the answer is... yes and no. Sadly for me and you and K, K had to work yesterday so we had very one sided text conversation.

Viggo Mortensen and Casey Affleck were both in the front couple of rows so there was a lot of action there. And Jimmy Kimmel hosted so there was a lot of referencing of Matt Damon who was sitting right behind Casey. Oh, and Casey won. So you know there were a lot of special moments. And I really liked when they showed Casey reading a mean tweet in this brown sweater.

Ryan Gosling was up front too and that was nice. And when this unknowing tour bus full of people were ushered into the room and down past the front row The Gos was the first to jump up and say hello. Hot. I also liked his mean tweet.

Gael Garcia Bernal presented an award. So did Dev Patel. And I liked how Viggo brought his son. So yeah, there were some hot moments. But holy shit, those fucking awards are so self-indulgent and I think they're getting worse.

Lucky for me I had Pickle as a text buddy during the ceremony. I missed Viola Davis's speech but Pickle drew my attention to the fact she said  "Acting is the only profession that celebrates what it is to live a life." Yes, acting is sooooooo special. Every time a best actor award was given they played clips from moments of past acceptance speeches. As if watching them the first time isn't painful enough. And there was some fucking thing where a famous actor would talk about some older famous actor they loved when they were a kid and then those two actors would come out and present something together, but only after getting a standing ovation. FUCK. Get your fucking hand off it Academy. I know I say this every year, but I just don't know if I can watch next year. And yet I know I won't be able to look away 😔

Hunk Week

Remember how on Monday K was all 'Hell, we don't want to start this year off on a negative note!" And on Tuesday I was all, "Accentuate the positive!" And then yesterday K was all "I love Leonardo!" Well, fuck it I say. It's already Thursday let's just call it and say this is Hunk Week. Could there be a better or more fitting way or Crabbier start to the year.  Nah-uh.

But geez, what a question. The best hunk of all!? A hunk to rule all other hunks.

Leonardo is definitely my favourite something. But favourite what?!

Here's a man that was never even considered for Hunk of the Month. Because if I'm honest, he's missing that phwaor factor.

Or is he?! I've explored my feelings for Leo here before and I think it's safe to say I'll do it again. But not right now. I love that guy, but is he my favourite hunk?

Thinking about those past Oscar nominees actually got me thinking that if Heath were alive today and had continued to be as awesome as ever he'd probably be my favourite hunk. Certainly he is one of history's finest hunks.

But although I can probably say Michelle Williams' Oscar look here is my all-time favourite, can I say Heath is my favourite hunk ever? I mean he was hot, special. Hot. But hotter than all others?

What about Ewan? I think I love him more than any hunk ever. He's practically the backbone of Miss Soft Crab, or the exoskeleton. 

What about Damon?

Shit, he's as confused as I am! I think in their own ways their each my number one hunk. I just have a lot of categories. Like the Oscars. It's reasonable.

I guess it's like movies, books, songs. I mean so many times a song will come on the radio and I'll think, "This is THE BEST SONG!" But then if it came down to it would that really be my favourite ever song? I guess I feel the same way about hunks.  I just can't pick a favourite. But what a great problem to have. 

A happier new year

I agree with K. The first post of last year lamented the dud start to 2016 that saw the passing of Bowie, Rickman and my mum's cat. Arguably this January has been worse but we all know what's up, this isn't the place to dwell on it. At least not right now. There have been good things too. As K said yesterday the Best Actor Oscar nominees is very hot. It's got to be the hottest line up of all time.

To verify this I went through a list of previous nominees on Wikipedia and I'm pretty sure this is indeed the hottest year of all time. In 1967 warren Beatty,  paul Newman and Dustin Hoffman were nominated, that's a fairly attractive lineup but it's hardly comparable to the 2017 list. In 1973 Jack Nicholson, Pacino, Robert Redford and Marlon Brando were nominated but Brando was well past his prime by then. In the last 15 years there have been a few hot lineups which surprised me seeing how hunk-free the telecasts have seemed in recent years. There was the hot 2005 double up of Joaquin and Heath which was pretty special. And I was delighted to see how many times HotMC member Paul Newman had been nominated over the decades. Still this year is definitely something special. Eighty percent hunk is a whole lotta hunk.

I suggested to K that it was disappointing that Dev Patel was not nominated for Lion instead of Denzel for whatever he was nominated for. Partly because Denzel strikes me as a smug fuck.  I don't know if Dev is any good in that movie but he does have a great Australian accent, that movie is nominated for Best Picture so he must be ok in it and he looks very handsome in it. A boner bona fide hunk.

Still, as I mentioned up top let's focus on the positive. It's like Meat Loaf said, 4 out of 5 ain't bad. 



Let's talk about Leo (AM)

If you asked me my favourite Hollywood hunks I could give you a pretty extensive list. Ewan, Marky Mark, everyone that was a Miss Soft Crab Hunk of the Month, Joaquin Phoenix (why wasn’t he a hunk of the Month I wondered to myself recently), Christian Bale. In fact if you’ve read this blog a few times you wouldn’t bother asking, you’d know all my favourite hunks. But you know who I wouldn’t put on that list? Leonardo DiCaprio. And yet…

When I was young Leonardo was truly a hunk of our times and Romeo + Juliet was really the pinnacle of that. He was so beautiful. And that movie was so great.





And Leonardo was so cool. And the way he’d cry all the time. Shit, what was an 18-year-old girl to do? Get a real life? Oh, no, not the Misses Soft Crab, the only thing for it was to fall totes in love with Leo. I loved him. But I grew up. Got a life? Oh no, just my fancies changed, Ewan came along. Leonardo got a little puffy. And I guess that model injuring his face in 2005 when she hit him over the head with a broken bottle at a Hollywood party didn’t help. (God, not the face you crazy bitch). 

There's no denying that Leonardo is not the pretty boy of his youth but it's like Zoolander once said, maybe there's more to life than being really really really really good looking. The thing about Leonardo is that he's always really great in stuff. Plus, all that environmentalism... cool. I mean, he's just so cool. You know some guys would serial date models and it would come off as gross, but with Leo it's just kind of great. Like he don't give a fuck.

When Leonardo won the Oscar last week K sent me a text message.

Boy was she right. Have you seen that guy in a tux?! I have to say I was happy he won.

Oh sure, I would have been happy if Cranston won, because I just think he is a pretty effing great actor. And I would have been happy if Matt Damon won, because I really love that guy. And I would have been happy if Fassbender won, because, although I don't love him the way K does, well the guy is alright by me. And Eddie Remayne, meh, anyone can win an Oscar for playing a genius in a wheelchair or the original transgender. But Leonardo, the way he got up there all earnest and cool. You guys...

I guess the easiest way to understand this it to think about Some Kind of Wonderful. You know how Eric Stoltz thinks he's in love with Leah Thompson and then right at the end he realises that he's really been in love with his best friend Mary Stuart Masterson all along? There she was, right in front of him and she's the one he should be looking at. I guess I'm starting to realise Leonardo is kind of like Mary Stuart Masterson. He's not all shiny and new, but he's dependable and great and why aren't I paying him more attention!?

The crazy thing is that the clues have been here all along. If you’ve read this blog regularly you may even know my own heart better than my own. Reading past MSC posts about Leonardo it is so clear I love him. I'm always talking about how he has something special. I mean, I'm basically always saying I love him but it's like I'm not even listening to myself. It's because I don't really think of him as a hunk. He's handsome, for sure. And he stirs up feelings in me, no doubt. But I just don't know how to classify these feelings. Leonardo, I don't know what this is, but I know it's something and I know it's special.

It's a wonderful night for Oscar (PM)

Well, you've heard K's thoughts on a bunch of movies she hasn't seen, I'm pretty sure you don't need to hear mine. I will say I would really like to see Birdman and Boyhood. But I haven't seen either. I'm not much interested in most of the other nominated films because I expect they would largely bore me. I don't know if it is that movies have gotten shit or that the reality of life after 35.5 years has numbed me to their effect but I can barely remember the last time a film really blew my mind, let alone made me blow my wad. I have actually seen The Grand Budapest Hotel. It was pretty good, but nothing was blown as a result. It was no Royal Tenenbaums. Me, I guess I'd like Boyhood to win too, just last night I was thinking about how I can't wait for Baby to be old enough to enjoy School of Rock and thinking about how Richard Linklater has made some really good films. And I spent so many minutes in my youth thinking about how cool it would be for a movie to be made the way Boyhood was, the same people over a long time. But, obviously I haven't seen it so who am I to say what should win.

Sure, I'll watch the Oscars. You know I love NPH. And I love a hunk. And a pretty dress.

I guess Oscar night is about hopes and dreams. (Or so I can imagine some idiot saying.) I have hopes and dreams. Hope that the presenter list will be full of hunks. Dreams that some day a movie will make me feel something again. And that one day someone will  look as beautiful as Michelle Williams did that year in the yellow dress. You know, like K said.

It's a wonderful night for Oscar (AM)

Apparently the Oscars are on tonight. Who knew? There was a time when I used to heavily anticipate Oscar night. Not any more. I guess I'm just to old for that shit, as Danny Glover would say, though I've never actually seen Lethal Weapon. Back then,  I would most likely have seen all the movies and know who was likely to win based on previous awards ceremony results. Now, I barely even know what's nominated, and I'm sure I've seen very few of the films that are nominated. But heck, that shouldn't stop me from adding my $0.02, right?

Ok, let's go over the best picture nominees.
The Imitation Game. That's the one about the enigma code, right? I wanted to see that, mainly because I have never seen a film about the enigma code, nor read a book about it, nor have The Simpsons ever done an episode on it so I don't know the details of the story. Appleheart would roll his eyes whenever I mentioned it which kind of made me want to see it more, as a joke. But I didn't. So I don't know if it's good. So I guess it won't win?

Next, The Theory of Everything. That's the one about Stephen Hawking. I am sure it's an incredible story of triumph over adversity, and love,  but it looked kind of boring to me so I don't really want to see it and I don't really want it to win. Sorry.

Apparently Selma is the third film nominated. That's the one about Martin Luther King. Look, Americans know how to make you feel a lot of feelings in the cinema, so I'm pretty sure I would feel a lot of feelings if I saw it. But I haven't seen it. And I probably won't. But I do want to know why it's called Selma.

Oh, American Sniper is nominated. That's the one with Bradley Cooper and the fake baby, that Clint Eastwood directed. Haven't seen it. Mainly because of Bradley Cooper, Clint Eastwood and a very low level of interest. It might win something I guess. People love Clint, and he's no spring chicken anymore.  But I don't think it will.

The Grand Budapest Hotel. Look, I've enjoyed many a Wes Anderson film in my day. But lately, I've grown tired of them. And so I never saw this one. Which I kind of regret now, because people said it was really good. I guess I'll get around to seeing it. But I'm not in a massive rush. It might win I guess. People were pretty impressed with it. I'm shrugging my shoulders and moving on.

Boyhood. Now that's a film I really did want to see, fully intended to see, and felt really bummed out when I missed out on seeing it. I like Patricia Arquette. I like the concept. I like watching Ethan Hawke on screen these days, and feeling a little grossed out by him and feeling slightly bemused by that reaction. This movie sounds like it could be a really good movie and even though I haven't seen it, I think I want it to win.

Whiplash. What the heck is Whiplash? Wait, I have to google it. Oh, actually, I have heard of it. It's that movie about the jazz drummer. But that's all I know about it. Has anyone seen it? Is it meant to be good?  Well, maybe it's good. Hopefully it is. But I don't want it to win because of Boyhood.







Finally, Birdman. I've actually seen this. And I really liked it! Edward Norton really should work more. And even though my feelings for Christian Bale are well documented, and I am of the very firm view that he is the best Batman, a part of me still thinks that only Michael Keaton is the only real Batman. But, I have to say, I still want Boyhood, a film I have never seen, to win.




I don't really know what that says about things, but there you have it.

In all honesty, I mostly want someone to wear a dress as beautiful and memorable as the yellow Michelle Williams dress. And I want to be excited about the movies and the oscars again. But mostly, it's about the dress.

Discontinued (PM)

I know, I'm excited about the Oscars too! Oh, what, sorry, it's Monday afternoon and I'm at home watching the Oscars and Pharrell just walked out so excuse my distraction. I care about yoghurt but I'm just feeling weirded out about the front row Oscar nominees shaking their booties with Pharrell. And that includes Meryl Streep. And why the fuck are U2 there?! Ok, that's probably enough Oscar coverage for this year.

That King Island yoghurt is really creamy and delicious, but I never bought it. Maybe one time. Maybe never, so I can't say I'm crying about it. The old Milo bar on the other hand is a product I would love to see back on the shelves. I loved a yoghurt once. The Tamar Valley Greek yoghurt with "fruit". I don't know if it still exists but all you see on supermarket shelves all you see is a "no added sugar" version. I bought it once hoping that it would just be sugar-free Greek yoghurt and sugar free fruit goo, but it wasn't, it had fake sugar in and it was gross, really gross. Why don't people just let good yoghurt be for Christ's sake?!

Now if you'll excuse me this Oscars ceremony is the first in years to actually promise some hunks, I mean, in the last twenty minutes I've seen Leonardo twice, Christian Bale, Joseph Gordon Levitt and I'm pretty sure I just saw the lower half of Hemsworth's face, so let's just put this yoghurt facade behind me and let me get back to my hunks.