Shivers (PM)

Ugh, when I was supposed to go back to work 11 months after Bewbie was born the idea was so abhorrent I put off returning next to work for another 6 months. What do they expect?  Tumble outta bed and I stumble to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition, and yawnin', stretchin', try to come to life.

Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumpin', out on the streets, the traffic starts jumpin' with folks like me on the job from 9 to 5. It was all just too depressing. No wonder I quit to do freelance after 5 months back. 

Aaaaaarghhhh (AM)

It was LB's birthday yesterday. And what better way to celebrate than take the day off work and just relax. So that is exactly what I did. LB didn't. He went to work as usual. He has an exam today so he wasn't really in the mood or position to celebrate. Me, I just felt like I needed a day to take care of some shit.

Last Wednesday I had a really annoying day at work, compounded by the fact that I had all these extra things to do: call a lawyer, call a bank, post some letters, clean the house, do a bunch of freelance work I've committed to doing, go to the city to buy some shu uemura face wash, get some blood tests, repot some plants, massively clean and overhaul the backyard, do all the serious house cleaning things like clean windows and pantry and a million more things, think of a birthday present for LB, be a loving and present mother to my children.

Frankly it was too much. And on top of that I've developed a twitch in my eye which periodically reminds me that I'm quite stressed. Just in case my brain decides to forget about the stress momentarily my body will remind me. Thanks body.  So I decided I'd take yesterday off work to get a jump on things. I felt really effing good about my decision. But then the list of things I wanted to do with my day off became unmanageable. The vital things included: getting my shu uemura face wash (yes, I could buy it online but why would I want to pay shipping for a product I could buy so close to my house?!?), cleaning the house, make dinner while everyone was out, freelance work, enjoy a coffee by myself. Then the list started growing: do serious house cleaning of all the second tier jobs, get a manicure or maybe a facial something real nice like that, a spot of shopping would be nice, get the blood test, get my legs waxed, my eyebrows done.

The list got so out of hand it became as stressful as my everyday life, it became practically paralysing. I started trying to plan my day but I found it impossible to prioritise the boring stuff like cleaning and work over the nice stuff like shopping and grooming, but because I knew that the boring stuff would help make my life overall better I couldn't really commit to just doing the nice stuff so basically I just ended up doing a half arsed version of everything. I looked in a few shops, I finally bought my face wash and I got my legs waxed too. And my eyebrows done. I cleaned the house in a regular way, but didn't even get around to doing the bedrooms. I still didn't get all the freelance work done and the garden is a mess, but all of my boring phone calls have been made. I don't know when I will ever get a blood test.

Apparently I am fucking rubbish at being an adult and actually need to dedicate my working week just to doing the things that constitute functioning as a human in this modern world. So just when I thought I was alright at it, turns out I'm not.

Oh well. At least I got to include a picture of Leonardo in this post. Why? Because it's (half) my blog I'll do whatever the hell I want!!! Just jokes, because it was his birthday yesterday too (or today, given timezone differences) and I thought we should celebrate by remembering a simpler time when all I had to worry about was movies and unrequited crushes. Sigh.

Demonstrated abilities (AM)

There has been some job application writing going on in this house and it's not really fun for anyone. To an extent, you have to be yourself, but really you can't be yourself. If I could be totally honest in a job application I think I'd sound a lot more convincing, I could really demonstrate some of my best qualities and those desired by employers.

If I gave my best answers to the kinds of questions often included in selection criteria or asked in interviews I think I could be quite winning.

Demonstrated ability it solve problems.
I am a critical thinker and believe that gathering as much information as possible and exploring a problem from all angles is the key to solving a problem. One example of this was when I was about to holiday in Newcastle as a teenager and, as this was at the height of what one could call an infatuation* with silverchair and particularly the lead singer, Daniel Johns, I felt positive that I could figure out where he lived if only I looked at the problem the right way. I knew the suburb in which he lived but this wasn't enough of course to find a house. I had seen a sort of documentary where the very front door of his house was shown and in which his neighbour was interviewed. Of course it was only a matter of looking up this neighbour's name in the white pages, as it was, finding that address and checking out the house next door. This was successful and Johns' house was found. Of course it seems so obvious as I say it now, but in fact seeing a full picture is not as easy before the puzzle as been put together.

A demonstrated record of achievement.
By far my greatest achievement at work was winning the Christmas pod decorating competition. For years this competition had been won by the marketing department, who was the only department with unlimited access to the colour printer, they could print whatever they liked and their excess always won the trophy, but one particularly slow Christmas I took victory with my installation, Snowflake Assault. For it, I cut hundreds of snowflakes from paper printed on both sides and ready for recycling and hung them around the pod and stuck them to the walls. Not only did I create a visual masterpiece but I did so in an environmentally conscious way and finally got my name engraved on that trophy.

Demonstrated ability to write clear, engaging communication for a specific audience.
Having written a blog for four years I have honed my writing skills. My audience is very specific, it is my mum, my sister and a few close friends. Positive feedback I have received includes: "Ha! Great post!" and "Your post made me LOL." My copy can also speak to a wider audience, for example Miss Soft Crab's  2012 Oscar coverage garnered international acclaim with a message board on IMDb where several Christian Bale fans exalted our work with such comments as "You have to read this, it's hilarious" and "HAHAHA."

Oh, shit. Now I see my "skills" and "achievements" in writing I see it's not really that convincing at all. Back to the drawing board I guess.

*Others may call it obsession.

In praise of plans (AM)

I used to work with a woman who would always complain about her conservative parents; she thought of herself as very open minded and liberal. She wore red chinoiserie to her wedding. But she used to complain about junkies and youths and other people unlike her in a way that very much reminded me of someone's conservative parents. 

Another of her qualities that could indeed make her seem like an uptight, housewife type was her tendency to plan her weekly meals. She'd cook seafood two nights a week, meat two nights and vegetarian two nights, then she'd plan what she was making and do a weekly shop that she would supplement with biweekly market visits. Although this makes her sound uptight, it is one of the qualities in her I most admired. That and the fact she introduced me to Strawberrynet, a website that used to offer great discounts on beauty products before the Internet realised it could make lots of money in Australia by charging more for things that are expensive here and it became cheaper to buy beauty products from actual shops.

My old pod buddy's meal plans was always inspiring to me, far from creating shackles I think that the meal plan could be very liberating. Rather than pondering daily what to make for dinner and falling back on oft-revisited dinners, the meal plan and subsequent shop would provide a map to deliciousness and newness. I'd be freed from the shackles of pasta and Aussie meals that I fall back on so frequently.

Usually I go to the market on Sunday and that means I buy some fish, LB buys some sausages and that answers a couple of nights' problems, but imagine looking through cookbooks on the weekend, deciding to make things from there, buying the necessary foodstuffs, thereby forcing yourself to make those meals you'd dreamed of. I'm imagining that right now, and I don't know if it's just the energised fervor of the new year, but by god, I'm going to plan my meals next week! And, if I can maintain this new year's fervor, the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that...

Nearly there (PM)

Wow, your boss sounds like a stand-up guy, Mate! My office closes between Christmas and New Year too. But the only day of free leave we get is the 27th, though to be fair to my work there are only 2 other days that aren't public holidays in that period and you are allowed to take 'miscellaneous leave' on those days. A leave kind that can also be used for having your dog put down or the other miscellanies of life. So I guess that's something. Plus, if you work in an organisation that has been in the news due to workplace bullying and suspected espionage I guess you gotta take what you can get right?

This, I've decided, this will be my last week before a whole 2 weeks off too, so I am likewise excited. But I wish Oprah had put a goodies bag under my chair.

Still, I guess holidays are as good as an Oprah goodies bag right. I intend to spend mine pretty much looking like this.*

*In my dreams of course. In reality they will more look like this:

Acrostic Monday (PM)

Please don't make me work

On hot summer days

Oh, how I long for

Lounging at the pool

An open letter to K (PM)

Dear K,

Oh sure, I've thought about teaching. I was talking to LB about it just the other day. I mean the holidays! Shaping the minds of the youth! Who wouldn't want that!? Learning more about maths and practicing it. Yeah it sounds pretty good. And those Australia's terrible numeracy levels, ugh, so depressing. 

But what about all those jerk kids? Not to mention jerk principals you'd have to deal with. Jerk governmental policies on education. God, so many jerks. And I would have to learn so much maths! I mean I really don't know anything anymore. Not that I ever knew that much.

But I do really like pi/e.

I guess I've got some thinking to do.

J

An open letter to J (AM)

Dear Mate, 

Everyone knows you are pretty great at being a responsible adult, and don't need anyone to tell you how to live your life. But sometimes you talk about pursing a different career, and because you are my #1 girl, I think about that too. I just want you to be happy, girl, and I've had some thoughts on the topic lately, so I thought I'd put it in a letter.

Ok mate, here's what I think.

I think you should seriously consider becoming a maths teacher.

Here's why.

You are really good at maths and you quite like it.

You've said as much many times. That's very rare, Mate.

It's the family business.

Your Dad is a maths teacher, don't you know. He has carved a nice life for himself. He has a loving family, a beautiful home and drives a Skoda. Maths teaching got him there!

You are an inspirational leader and very good at teaching people things.

I know of at least one person who never thought they would be interested in having babies until they saw you do it with Baby and realised that it was achievable. Leading by example!

You have taught me 1,000,000 things. You are the person that taught me how to pronounce quinoa!

The kids need you.

Ok, this is one of the main reasons I think you should become a maths teacher. Every time I read some report about education, they say things like: there is a shortage of maths teachers, numeracy rates are not improving amongst the little ones, Australians score lower than the OECD average for numeracy levels. Sure, we score higher than the French and the Canadians (and definitely the French Canadians), but those people have better cheese, they have better and more affordable maple syrup and the rest are French Canadian.None of them need maths skills. WE DO! 

Also, they say that a lot of people teaching maths in schools don't have any maths training or special knowledge. They're basically a bunch of shysters. Shysters shaping the malleable minds of our children!

The kids need you Mate!

It's a very family friendly profession.

You'd have holidays coming out the wazoo!

 So that's my $0.02. I hope you will seriously consider it. \

Ok, Bye.

Love from K

Postcard from Brisbane (AM)

Oh hi guys. How were your weekends?

Good? That's good.

So I'm writing this from a cinema in Brisbane. It's Sunday night, and I'm waiting for the 6:45pm session of Gravity to start. I thought I might get a head start on writing my Monday post, given that I'm going to write about my weekend in Brisbane and it seems that Sandra Bullock and George Clooney are going to be part of it. I'm not entirely sure why on watching this film. People like it. The alternative is sitting on the bed in my hotel room eating Doritos and watching TV. I thought I should make an effort to put that off until Monday night, so here I am. 

Anyway, the show's about to start, so I'll see you on the flip side.

TIME LAPSE.

Oh, hello again guys. I bet you're all dying to know what I thought of Gravity. Well, it was pretty good! A pretty good movie and a pretty good way to spend a Sunday night. That's as enthusiastic as I can get I'm afraid, because it didn't blow my mind. But it's a pretty good version of one of those kinds of films.

Anyway, now it's Monday morning. I'm sitting up at the 'business centre' part of my hotel room (view illustrated above) getting ready to go to this work conference thing which is the reason I'm in Brisbane in the first place.
It starts this morning but I've been in Brisbane since Friday night, because Appleheart and I came up early in order to get a little sun (and boy am I glad we did because I hear the weather in Melbourne has been shit this weekend) and get a head start on Appleheart's birthday week celebrations. While I've never identified myself as a waterslide fancier, Appleheart loves them with his whole apple flavored heart, so naturally we went to Wet N Wild, Australia's premium waterslide based fun park. 
It's pretty great you guys. Knowing that Russeth and G Force came up here a while ago specifically to go to WnW, I asked him for some advice. He said
"My advice is to not be a pussy and do everything twice. Other than that....I dunno. It's a theme park so you don't really need to think about it. JUST DO IT."

It was the best advice. I was not pussy at all and as a result I did some scary shit. Like go on a waterslide that where you stand in a tube and the floor drops out from beneath you and you do a vertical drop which feeds in to an upside down loop that some people don't make it all the way around and have to be rescued from. No joke. But I did it and it ruled. 

The rest of the weekend has involved walking around Brisbane, having a few beers in the sun and thinking about the benefits of not being a pussy. It's been pretty fun really. Appleheart left last night, hence going to see Gravity then eating a packet of Doritos for dinner while sitting on my bed watching Sex Addiction Clinic with Dr Drew. What? 

Now it's off to work. Bye you guys. 

Telecommuting (PM)

I wish I was 'working' from Sydney. Not that I'm working today but I will be 'working' tomorrow. I'll be 'working' in my office, it's my first day back after returning from USA,, and after  waking up at 5am all week I'm pretty sure 'working' is about all I'll be doing. God I wish my office was a Travelodge. On the plus side Melbourne is pretty sunny and nice today and I'm not stuck in an office or a Travelodge so I guess that is something to be thankful for. Also I guess I haven't worked in nearly 4 weeks so I probably shouldn't really complain about having to work one day before having a weekend. I'm thankful for that too. I just wish I had some Douwe Egberts on hand to help with the jetllag. 

Telecommuting (AM...but it's actually PM)

 

Hi Crab friends. Sorry for my tardy post.  I’m in Sydney and everyone knows that things move quite slowly up here.  Sydney is famous for its slow pace. You wanna find somewhere to just escape the rat race and relax? Go to Sydney. Ask anyone, they’ll tell you.

But seriously, I am in Sydney.  For pleasure.  Appleheart had a work do last night and because I love other people’s work functions, I concocted a plan to fly up yesterday after work, go to Appleheart’s thing, and then go to work as normal on Thursday and Friday, but from Sydney. It's called telecommuting!But there's really no commuting involved at all. It’s the best! But naturally I was beset by technical difficulties this morning, so I’m running a little bit behind schedule.

Working from Sydney is quite nice. Obviously there are differences to working from my office in Melbourne. In Melbourne, my office is an office,  not a Travelodge.

 

We have Nescafe Blend 43 and Arnott’s Assorted Creams at my office. Here we have something called Douwe Egberts.

 

On the back it says: "Empty contents in to cup, add boiling water".

The view from my office in Melbourne is quite lovely. It looks out over the Fitzroy Gardens.

The view from my Sydney office is a bunch of buildings.

But the most apparent difference relates more to Sydney itself rather than my Sydney office.  You guys, they don't seem to have winter up here. It's warm and sunny as hell. There is sun streaming in on me as I write this. It's messing with my usual feelings of gratitude for my job because it keeps me  warm and snug in my office all through winter. Right now I feel like the Travelodge office is getting in the way of me and some sunshine. Not cool, Sydney. How are people supposed to feel grateful for their jobs when you pour sun on them all the time.

I'm going to make myself a cup of Douwe Egberts and think about that.
 

Just taking it easy (PM)

Yeah, like a chump I am working. Lord knows why I did not take today off. I guess it is just because I am some kind of chump. Moreover, I spilled coffee on my nice dress this morning. And although I managed to clean most of the coffee out now I am just sitting here cold because the kind of dryers we have in the bathroom make for a pretty awkward drying experience, so my dress is still kind of wet. Like a chump I'm just sitting here taking it. Also because I am a chump I gave half my toastie to Baby this morning.

To compensate for all of this I am not working very hard today. Who is the chump now!?

I don't even know what this is (AM)

There once was a girl who worked sunday

Had nothing to blog about Monday.

Thought hard, but in vain.  

Seems she has shit-for-brains

That poor little girl who worked Sunday.

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Holiday Haiku

Oh, ciao  ragazzi

Guess what day it is today?

Thursday. Keep up, guys. 

Just jokes amici. 

Today's the last day of work!

Tomoz: holidays. 

To all the green parks

To patches of dappled shade:

I'm coming for you. 

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Every second Wednesday

Yesterday. I read. 

In bed. Long as I wanted. 

Before I got up. 

Then, I had coffee. 

Took my sweet time with it too. 

Then showered at noon. 

You let me do things

Other days don't let me do. 

You're my special day. 

Terrific Tuesday (AM)

Oh, hi guys.
Remember a few weeks ago how J was all "I'm going to have a terrific Tuesday" and listed a whole bunch of great things she was going to do that day, including have two coffees, do all her washing and hang it out in the sun?  I remember it like it was the 23rd of October, perhaps because I haven't had as much on over the last few weeks as you guys, and also because it was.

Well today I would very much like to have a terrific Tuesday too. No special reason why. I just think it would be great if this day ruled. All Tuesdays, really, but one step at a time, non?

OK, here's what I'm going to do terrificify my Tuesday.

Listen to You Am I
Truth be told, readers, I'm doing that right now. I'm listening to Hi Fi Way and I am loving it with my whole K shaped heart. I think Miss Soft Crab should do Friday Favourites: You Am I one day. You Am I rules OK!

Have two coffees
That's how you have a Terrific Tuesday after all.

Get lots of work done so I can have a guilt-free day off tomorrow
As you guys know, I work a niner. That means I squish ten days of work in to nine so I can have one day off a fortnight. Sometimes I feel bad taking the day off because I have the work ethic of a protestant but the guilt of a catholic. But not this week. No sirree. I am going to get heaps done today and just have a wonderful time tomorrow. Try and stop me, universe!*

Um...maybe get things organised so I can do my tax return?
This would make my Tuesday unbelievably terrific, but I don't think I'm ready to commit to it.

Eat leftover hedgehog (pictured above) 
This is something I can commit to so goddamned thoroughly. It was my Dad's birthday on the weekend and that man loves hedgehog like the desert loves the rain. I made him a batch as a special little treat, and quelle horreur! it wouldn't all fit in my tupperware container so I had to keep some for myself and I have to keep eating it. Yeah I do.

You guys should have a terrific Tuesday too if you can. Go for it, you guys.


*Please don't try universe, you will succeed. You are the boss of me. 

Fitness Friday - Progress update (K)

Oh, hello there readers.

Remember how last week we were all lets get physical, physical, I want to get physical, lets get in to physical et cetera et cetera?

Remember how I was going to do the special Jane Fonda in a book workout that J outlined for us last week and then report back today? 

Well being away for work all week has kind of broken me and robbed me of the will to hear my own body talk. 

Somewhere between the depressing motels and the endless meetings and being advised that the meals at the bistro at the I-talian club are very reasonably priced, I lost touch with this whole J and K do Jane thing.  

I thought about just pretending that I did it but I don't want to lie to you, my little Crab friends. I don't want to lie to you at all. Plus, admitting failure is the first step towards...not being a failure? I don't even know. Anyway, I'm sure that this afternoon J will be able to tell us about what it's like when you apply yourself and actually follow through on the Fitness Friday challenge. Take it away, Matey.

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Haiku impressions of the view from a depressing hotel room in Morwell. 

I

Smell of KFC.

You cross the Princes Highway.

And invade my room. 

II

Sign of Carlton Draught.

You make me want to drink a

Lot of Carlton Draught. 

A tribute to Neville (PM)

There kind of is a similarity between Neville and Lily Tomlin. It's not that they look the same exactly but there is a certain je ne sais quoi.

I've loved and lost colleagues too mate, and I feel for you. First there was L-Bomb who quit to move to London for love. She's married now. Pickle, who left because she hated the job so much. She's in London now. Blephanie left. Then Legsley. I've worked with some of my besties and it's sad to see them go. But mate, Neville is just on maternity leave! SHE'LL BE BACK! You don't know what real loss is!

Also, you can't blame Neville for digging on Ben Cousins. She's from the Perth, she probably can't help it.

Have a great baby, Neville!

A tribute to Neville (AM)

On Friday, Neville, my most beloved work colleague of all time went on maternity leave. It's super awesome for her, but it's pretty much the worst thing to happen at work since the HR lady started going out with the Accounts Payable guy, which is a truly unholy union and so creepy that I am mad at myself for recalling it right now. 

I've worked with some great people over the years. Fragy. Wicketoni. Bumblebee. Oh the stories I could tell (if I could remember them, which I can't, but I know they're good). But Neville is one in a million, which is not to say that there's five more just in New South Wales, but that there can never be another Neville. 

Neville and I have worked together for about 5 years. She got me my current job, more or less. She is one of the funniest people you could ever meet, with some of the best dance moves you could ever see. She is also the best kind of colleague, because she and I think pretty much exactly the same way about work matters, and most other matters too. Though I think she finds Ben Cousins attractive, which is where our paths diverge. 

Neville is the person who would always says "yes" every single time I asked the question "is today a pork roll kind of day?". 

She would narrow her eyes and nod every single time I said something like "you know what really shits me about this place?". 

Every single time I'd walk out of a meeting in my boss' office, Neville would crack the same joke. She would look at me sympathetically and ask "do you need me to help you pack up your desk?" and honestly readers, it killed me every time.

Drunk at some Christmas party, Neville decided that the celebrity that she most looks like is Lily Tomlin, and about once every six months she would email me the picture above and say "seriously, I look just like her". She kind of does. 

Everyone should have a Neville at their workplace. I guess I was lucky that I had such a good run of it. And that I still get to see her in real life, like I did last night when we went out to dinner and she sang me a Kevin Bloody Wilson song as she drove me home. Or the other night when I went over to her house to watch the footy, and when she opened the front door she told me "I've taken my bra off - I'm just letting you know." 

You're the one Neville. I'm going to miss the shit out of you lady.