Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The best thing about most things

Remember how I texted you the other night when The Happening was on TV and you were all, “The Crappening” and I was all “No way this movie is awesome, it is so hilarious”? Fuck, it is so hilarious. The menacing wind. HAHAHHAHAHA. Oh, oh god, that menacing wind was so good. It’s making me happy just thinking about it. And all the close ups on Marky Mark’s face! HA!

I mean, I would never EVER disrespect Marky Mark, but god, that was so funny. The Happening was pretty much the funniest movie I’ve seen ages. Anyways, remember how you were all, “Marky Mark is the best thing about that movie.” And I was all, “Marky Mark is pretty much the best thing about most things”? Well I’ve just been thinking about Marky Mark since then, well, you know since 1997, but I guess more intensely in the last week or so and I thought it would be nice to think about the many things to which Marky Mark has contributed. Most recently I’d have to say the Oscars.

I don’t think he actually did anything at the Oscars (yet another reason why they were so totally lame) but he did sit in the audience. And he produced and starred in The Fighter which won all those awards and which led to that resounding phrase of the night, “Thanks to Mark Wahlberg.” Exactly what we have been thinking all these years! Thank you Marky Mark. Thank you.

He also contributed a lot to the hilarious movie Date Night. I actually really liked that movie. It was funny, but you know what was extra special about it?! The filmmakers knew what a goldmine they had with Marky Mark. And they didn’t squander it. Like we’ve seen time and time again. Most criminally in that god awful movie Planet of the Apes. Now I try not to think about that film too often because it still makes me angry. For so many reasons. The trailer had so much promise. I remember feeling like it was going to be this kind of awesome Hollywood epic. And what was it? Basically two hours of pure crap. And what was the worst thing about it? Not once, not even one single time in this pointless two hours did Marky Mark get his shirt off. Look, I don’t want to sound like a dirty trash bag and I certainly do not go to movies to see Marky Mark take his shirt off, but for god’s sakes if you are making one of the worst movies in the history of movies and Marky Mark is in it, wouldn’t you want to give the people something, just something to enjoy. I don’t even think it’s weird that I think this. I think it is weird that a movie about an astronaut who crash lands on a JUNGLE PLANET doesn’t rip his shirt. A guy gets taken PRISONER and he doesn’t have his shirt taken! And we are supposed to believe this. What an awful, awful film. But thank you Marky Mark. The only thing that meant I didn’t walk out of the cinema. I am pretty sure that Franco is not going to get his shirt off in The Rise of the Planet of the Apes, let's just hope he doesn't have to.

But this ain’t about hating. It’s about loving. Marky Mark. And you know, I'm not superficial, I don't just like Marky Mark when he get's his shirt off. Not at all, he doesn't even have to be on screen. I mean, how about Entourage? Pretty much one of my favourite shows ever and Marky Mark is hardly ever in it, but he is behind it and it is awesome. I basically named my son after one of the characters (E, obviously). So many golden moments. Thank you Marky Mark.

I guess I just wanted to take a little time to say thanks.

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