A very little something (AM)

Yesterday while driving to the Queen Vic market I wrote all of today's post in my head. I felt pretty productive but the problem with writing posts in one's head is that until we have computer chips implanted in our heads all that writing is going to stay up there. It's such a conundrum because on the one hand I don't want AI in my brain and on the other hand, well shiiiiiit, it would make so many things so much easier. Like paying bills and writing emails and definitely writing blog posts. Because by the time I sat down to write my post last night at 11:30 I'd been looking after my children all day and editing some woefully written articles all night all while recovering from a cold. I don't want to make excuses, but you know where I wrote the words "computer chips" 6 lines above here? I had to type that three times because it kept coming out "computer ships". Which doesn't even make any sense because I love chips heaps more than ships.

So rather than rewrite the post from my brain I did what I always do when I want to share something cool with the Soft Crab community without putting in too much effort. I went to Facebook to see if anyone had shared anything good. I hardly ever look at Facebook. Sometimes I log on and then after looking at nothing I log straight off. I hate it. But the internet gods were smiling on me last night because someone had posted a link to this.

It's not so amazing or anything, and maybe I was just really tired last night, but I love the movie Princess Bride and it was just real nice thinking about it and thinking about the whole gang back together again. And just when I was feeling all tired and happy I read the first comment under the photo, which said "The pic of Andre in the bottom corner... Feels :("

Hahaha "Feels"!

I hope Andre and Peter Falk are totally RIPing.

Nearly wordless Thursday (PM)

Who the hell is Fritz?! I guess he is just some kind of graffiti artist lovo. Get over yourself Fritz.

Or some really hungry person misspelt frites. Mmmmmmm frites. 

What I know and like (PM)

I don't want to come down on Australia, because, shit you guys, I love a sunburnt country, but how about how in Europe you can just get delicious cheese everywhere like it ain't no thang!? We could do with more of that here.  When I was looking for Welsh cake recipes on the internet I found one that called for 'butter (preferably Welsh)' and I was all 'yeah right'. But now I feel really sad I can't make Welsh cakes with Welsh butter. 

And why are those lambies so cute! It's true Australian lambs are cute but those little Welshies are delightful!

Look, Mate, all I ask is that in Ireland you don't go on about the chips and curry. I don't know if my saliva and jealousy glands can take it. 

Three days, one roller coaster (AM)

When I was in LA I noticed that Mondonna's nails looked really good, painted red and shiny and no chips. 'Gel polish', she told me, 'It's so good, you can do dishes, move house, it doesn't chip and its so cheap here! Come get it with me!'

'Yes!' I said, but it didn't happen. Lodged in my brain though and when we were in NYC I decided to do it! But in the end I chickened out. Did get a regular manicure on the last day though, and it was a great thing to do. I don't usually get manicures, I think they fuck my nails up to much. Also, what a waste of money. But I love them. After a week though they were a little chipped and I thought it was time to take off the polish. And then, on Friday night after work I had some time to kill  before meeting the family for dinner. It was cold and I was bored and my NY nails looked scrappy and I walked past a Tips and Toes and next thing I knew there I was choosing a new polish colour!

So I was a convert. There is something both decadent and soothing about a manicure and as I sat there, with a stranger massaging cream into my hands I could see my future, fortnightly manicures, opportunities to try all the colours I'd ever dreamed of. The future of my nails looked bright and beautiful and I couldn't wait. Chickpea walked past Tips and Toes on the way to dinner too, and while looking longingly at the massage chairs, she noticed me in the back, hand in hand with this small Asian woman. So she came in sat next to me and we talked as if this were the most normal thing in the world. I've seen people talk in beauty parlours in movies a lot, so I brought some of this knowledge to real life and it turns out one can have a normal conversation while a stranger fondles your extremities. This! This is the life.

But you know what the problem is with spending $20 to get a nail colour you don't own applied to your nails? If there are any chips you can't patch it up. And if there are many chips within 48 hours, well you basically just chucked $20 away. I guess a more forward thinking person would have considered if they may do any work on a house renovation in the days after a manicure and then thought better of said manicure. Maybe while working on a house they would have worn gloves or something. They may not have ended up with nails like this less than 48 hours after a manicure.

But even after doing a load of dishes on Saturday I had a small chip, and as soon as that happens the magic is gone.

On the plus side my future definitely looks like I will save $20 a fortnight given i now realise I am not made for regular manicures and there may have been a reason that until a week ago I'd only had 2 manicures in my life. Goodbye,  beautiful dream. Goodbye, beautiful nails.

Or do I just have to go for shellac!?

Here I come (PM)

Oh, geez. I wonder what happened to that bollard. I hope he feels better soon.

Well, Mate, your European holiday looks and sounds beautiful. Those swans! Forget about it! And Iceland. Whoa!

But Melbourne has nice things like friends. And beautiful wintery parklands.

The last vestiges of autumn.

Maybe if you are lucky I will even cook you a delicious meal.

Wait does this sound familiar? 

In truth, it's pretty unlikely I'll cook you a meal, because in 3 weeks I’m heading to the North American summer. Where I will be seeing things like this:

And eating things like this:

Yeah, USA, here I come!

In praise of left overs (AM)

Best ever burgers

Monday a week ago was Passover. And our Seder was full of delicious food. Everything was delicious of course. And it was a vegetarian meal which was very exciting to me because I could eat everything. But you know what was even more exciting. The meal I made with the left-over food. If you ever find yourself with left-over hasselback potatoes and some left-over eggplants with buttermilk sauce you may just be lucky enough to eat the best burger dinner of your life!

Hasselback potatoes are potatoes that have been sliced, but not all the way through, and then cooked in quite a bit of fat, salt, garlic and thyme. Before they go into an oven they may look like this. But it was something I heard Chickpea say at Seder that really got me thinking. "YUM! Potato and chips at the same time." YES! I thought. YES!

And so, when I found myself with some left-over hasselbacks and a plan to make burgers there was really only one option.

 

As for the burgers,  it was something I heard Frandonna say after the Seder that really got me thinking. Mum was trying to give me all the eggplant left-overs and I said, "What will I do with all this?" And Frandonna said, "Make burgers." Or I think she did. So of course there was only one option. Burgers. I just mushed up the eggplant flesh with an egg and breadcrumbs, and hey presto, the moistest deliciousest veggie burgers I've eaten in a long time. I'm pretty sure they would be as delicious made with a roast eggplant and some good seasonings.

You guys, this meal was so good. Not just the best left-over meal but just a really effing great meal. I ate it twice in one week, and frankly my mouth is watering just writing about it.

Next year in Jerusalem!

Haiku Thursday (AM)

On the beach (or It's summer time, bitches!)

Low evening sun

Shadow is tall, it's skinny

If only t'were true

I touch salt water

The hunger comes instantly

Hot chips would be best

Thermomix - is it all that and a bag of chips? (AM)

Remember a few months ago I told you that Primadonna went to a Thermomix demonstration and that machine sounded mindblowing and I desperately wanted to see one in action. Well I did! Finally Prima organised a demonstration in her home and K and I were lucky enough to go along.

Ok. So. Is Thermomix a total mindbender? It is pretty good. I think it would be a really excellent addition to the kitchen if you had a couple grand lying around. In case you don't know Thermomix can chop the shit out of things with its super high-power blades and it stirs and it heats. You see. It has very useful functions.

Here are some things I loved about it:

Our demonstrator, Natasha, showed us how Thermo can make raw sugar into icing sugar. You put those large crystals in and whizz. Then ICING SUGAR! WHOA! It pretty much blew my mind. Only buying one kind of sugar and just blending as appropriate! Awesome. I WANT THERMOMIX! Then a few days later on Facebook I saw G-Force had written this: Just discovered replacing caster with raw sugar. All you have to do is chuck it in the spice grinder for a coupla seconds.Presumably if caster sugar is possible in a spice grinder a few more seconds would make icing sugar possible. So maybe I don't need a Thermomix?

The next thing I loved was the delicious sorbet Natasha made with aforementioned icing sugar. Just that, frozen orange, egg white, mango, ice. It was smooth and very delicious. And I am pretty sure that I could really do some mindblowing icy treats with it. I WANT THERMOMIX! Then, a few days later my mum attempted a similar thing in her Magimix. The results were nowhere near as smooth and fancy, but it was still quite yum. Maybe I don't need a Thermomix?

There was a delicious Thermo-made hommus. It really was very, very good, but good hommus you can definitely do in a regular blender. But not in 20 seconds! I WANT THERMOMIX!

But the next thing really was the best. Natasha chucked quartered beetroot, apple, carrot, some mint and lemon juice into Thermo and that baby just chopped the crap out of everything and made one of the most delicious and labour-free salads I have ever eaten. I WANT THERMOMIX.




Then there was risotto. It was nice enough but I'm not a big risotto person. Too heavy for me. But a thing that stirs while cooking to give you a perfectly consistent foodstuff?! I WANT THERMOMIX. 

The lemon custard at the end demonstrated perfectly how perfectly consistent a cooked foodstuff Thermomix can make. I WANT THERMOMIX. 



But I guess I want $2000 more. Plus, it doesn't make chips.



 

Don't bullshit me Smiths (PM)

Oh, mate...Yeah, I'm smirking, of course I am. Extra crunchy chips?! 

I'll tell you something. The first thing I thought when I saw the ad for Smith's new 'Extra Crunchy Chips', the very first thing i thought was 'Oh please' (or if Baby or censors aren't in ear shot, 'Fuck off').

You know I used to work as an assistant for a market researcher who conducted those group interviews to understand consumers, so I've spent a lot of time listening to how companies think they can make new products that there is neither a need nor desire for. Until people are told they want that thing. Did you know that Kraft have a product out there called 'Whipped Peanut Butter'?! WHIPPED PEANUT BUTTER!!! (Yeah, I kind of want to try it, of course I do.) WTF?! Who comes up with this shit?!

Extra crunchy chips? Oh please! When have you ever eaten a fresh chip and thought 'this would be better if it were crunchier'? Never! You have never thought that. You've thought 'I wish this was more potatoey', 'I wish this was more salty/tangy/yummy' but only when you have eaten a soggy or stale chip have you thought 'I wish this werer more crunchy'. I know the kettle variety of chips are both delicious and more crunchy, but really what can more crunch give a chip? Nothing! NOTHING!!!

God I would kill for some chips right now.

Reflections on shit

Well, well, well. I see that you snuck those jalapeno chips into the back of the photo, perhaps hoping that I would not notice that you had bought the ONE BRAND I (implicitly) TOLD YOU NOT TO! I see how much you listen to me. What's next mate? All those other things I told you not to do?!? Like, some things I have no doubt recommended against!?

What did you think of them, anyway? Was I too harsh on them? Did you like their dirty flavour?

It's funny you got shat on by a pigeon. I mean, obviously it is funny, right? Am I right? But also funny because LB just got shat on by a bird the other day! SHIT TWINS!!! I can't remember the details really. I feel like we were sitting somewhere. In a park? And it shat on his leg. I know this is not much of a story, but if I could remember more about it I bet it would be HILARIOUS! So please feel free to laugh, y'all.

Do you think that listening to 'Empire State of Mind' in NYC is the same as wearing an 'I heart NY' t-shirt?

Confused and delighted by Washington

Not to harp on about it, but there is a topless George Washington statue and Tim Burton couldn't even get Marky Mark to get his top off once in Planet of the Apes. WTF!? But hang on, I'm not sure what is more WTF? Because, um, I'm not sure if I'm the only person that thinks this is weird, but why is there a statue of George Washington wearing nothing but a sheet? Dude, that is some messed up shit! A SHEET! He has his wig on. You know, he was obviously in the process of getting dressed, and then he and his publicist and the sculptor all decided that it was a good idea to just stop right there and start sculpting. Mate, I am having a hard time dealing with this. How you gonna respect a dude in a sheet? I hope Obama's publicist hasn't seen this. And why is G.Wash so ripped anyway? I mean, dude is really ripped. Mmmmm. Ripped.

Your trip to WDC is pretty much blowing my mind actually. First topless, ripped George Washington! Then pink fairy armadillos! I am so glad I clicked your wiki link. 9-11cm!!!! That is so freaking cute. I feel like until I see one of those cuties in real life I won't be happy. Which is annoying, because after I saw Bob Dylan a couple of weeks ago I really thought to myself, 'I feel great, now I've seen all I need to see.'

And then the pink fairy armadillo comes along and throws everything out. I guess it was bound to happen.

What was best for me though was to see that even though you are holidaying with your mum, that time between siteseeing and dinner is still being spent with beer and a salty snack in a bag. I love that about holidays. Especially the choosing of the salty bag snack. I hope those spicy babies were delicious. But it just brings home what a weird place Washington is, because, um, 'red hot' isn't a flavour.

New York Chippy

Believe me when I tell you Mate, I plan to act on each and every one of those recommendations. Thank you very much. I have already acted on one, by looking at the Brother Kane testimonials. What a pack of weirdos. I can't tell you how incredible a chip would have to be for me to want to write to the manufacturer. Having said that, I'll keep eating chips, just in case I find one that is precisely that incredible.

So speaking of food (like I need to take this rare opportunity that we are speaking about food to raise this point...) Mum, Uncle Gary and I have been invited to my second cousin Robyn's house in Long Island for a BBQ on 7 May. Robyn and I have never met, but we are friends on facie and she looks like a real all-American girl. I don't want to invade her privacy by stealing one of her actual photos, so here is a picture of a lady who looks kind of like her:

Actually, that's Farrah Fawcett. Who coincidentally died the last time I was in NYC. But she does kind of look like Robyn. Pretty, right?

Anyway, she emailed me to ask if there was any food I was particularly looking forward to eating when in America. Isn't that a great question? I wanted to say all the food, Robyn! All the food!
But I've never met her and thought it might be inappropriate. In the end I said a whole bunch of things about how I would be happy to eat whatever she served up (which is totally true), but I do tend to associate American BBQs with smokey ribs. Do you think I should have shut up after the first part? It's just that I was worried that it might be my only shot to have BBQ ribs and you know how I love meat on a bone.

I also want to eat grits, but I don't think you serve them at a BBQ. I think they are a breakfast food akin to porridge, but also kind of like polenta. Doesn't that sound fantastic?
I can't wait for this holiday.

At the risk of talking of nothing but food…

Please remember to eat the following when in NYC:

Apple cider donuts. If you can find them. I was so lucky; hungry and cold and walking past the green market at Union Square one day I just thought I’d have a closer look at what was on offer at the various stalls. And then there on the table of an innocent looking apple stall I saw apple cider donuts. I’d been thinking for a long time about making them after seeing this recipe. (Shit, just looking at that page for 2 seconds when I went to get that link has made me wonder why the hells I am not eating that doughie right now!) And then I bought them. And then they were everything I’d imagined. Maybe more. These were actually the only sweet treat I ate in USA that were not super sweet. The only sweet I truly and thoroughly enjoyed. I will cross my fingers for you mate, so that you too can find an apple cider donut.

A Shake Shack burger.

Oh, fuck, the other day I was thinking about these and I practically became frenzied trying to figure out how to make the cheese-stuffed portobello mushroom from the SS ‘shroom burger and (also the shack stack for meat eaters). These are so good. Even this guy knows it.

You should probably get a shake there too. Even though they were way too sweet for my tastes, and I was there in the middle of freezing February, and twice when we ate at SS we had to sit outside (at the outdoor only Manhattan Square Park location), I bought a shake every time. It’s the way they talk about the shakes and ice cream on the website. It was freaking intoxicating. Lucky for you I think they may have changed their website since then.

And jalapeño chips of course. In preferential order from best to worst:

These had a special tanginess that made them different to all other jalapeño chips.

These had a pure deliciousness and jalapeñoness that remains special to my heart.

These ones were also delicious.

These last ones are Dirty brand.

Do you wonder why someone would call there chip brand dirty? I do. I guess it is meant to have some kind of hilarious hard core appeal. I don’t get it. Also they are shit.

And try hot sauce flavour if you get a chance.

But, Mate, if you don't believe me about how delicious these Brother Kane hot sauce chips are here are some testimonials.

Wow, it sure sounds like I ate a lot of shit while I was in NYC. Well, I guess I did. But I also ate some good stuff. But mostly I cooked that for myself. Or bought salad from Whole Foods or had a perfectly good sandwich at some perfectly good sandwich joint. But you don’t need my help to find that stuff.