Eat cheese

HAHA. Perv! Yesterday's post made me wonder if K really ate a lot of cheese on Tuesday night to have those weird dreams. And what kind of cheese it was. It also made me think about how Baby recently asked me what I wrote about on Miss Soft Crab. Or rather I asked him what he thought I wrote about. He said, "Your kids, your life...?" Yeah, I told him. And other stuff too. Things I ate or did. "Or thought about?" He asked. Like he somehow knew. Or jumped to the obvious conclusion. Yeah, I told him. All sorts of things. "Eating cheese?" He asked. He thinks it's funny to interject "Eat cheese!" all the time, so when he asked it was a joke. But I told him, yep! Quite a bit.  "Really?!" he asked. "Really!?" He thought he was being silly. And I guess he thought no one would write about eating cheese. Eat cheese. It's more than a hilarious joke to a 6-year-old. It's a way of life really.

Cheese coma (AM)

Yesterday was chutney club, as Biz said, 'It's nice to be out and about.' Yeah, Biz, it is. Turns out that he was at Golden Plains last week so his idea of not getting out much and my idea of not getting out much may be slightly different.

For the curious the haul was: plum jam (me), fig and ginger jam (K), apricot jam (David), spicy nectarine and peach chutney (Pickle), mango chutney (Biggie Little), nectarine chutney (Legsly), apple and cherry plum chutney (Blizzie). A pretty good spread.

Chutney club is a funny old thing.Some meets every one has cooked something delicious to go with their condiment and then other times everyone just brings cheese. That is pretty much what happened yesterday. I wish I had taken photos of all the cheese. I feel like there was more cheese there than I had seen in a long time. But then again I don't get out much. But there really was so much cheese. And I sure ate a lot more cheese than I'd eaten in a long time. There were probably at least 10 or 12 cheeses. And I ate them all. Over and over again. And I ate a doughnut and half a croissant and this toffee chocolate crispy slice magnificence and in between the sweets more cheese to cleanse the palette. When I got home I wasn't that hungry so Baby and I shared a cheese pie for dinner. Later LB ate bolognese so I had a little pasta with parmesan and chilli flakes. Cheese.

As I sat on the couch last night exhausted and wondering what to write about for today I could really come up with nothing. I thought I was tired or that my brain had finally given up but in the cold harsh light of this morning I'm pretty sure I was just too high on cheese. Or perhaps the crash had begun. The reason it all came clear is because I think I have a cheese hangover. I feel ok, but as I was sitting on the couch with Newbie this morning he just seemed so out of sight cute. I mean, this kid is pretty effing adorable and he has this array of out of control cute smiles but this morning - whoa - I could not get over his cuteness. You know how that happens with a hangover, it's like all your defences are down. At breakfast Baby was doing these ridiculous burbs which also seemed incredibly cute and really funny. And to top all this off, I feel pretty irritable. Classic hangover, right? I'd like to think I have learned my lesson and that in future I will cheese responsibly, but I guess history suggests that is pretty unlikely.

What I know and like (PM)

I don't want to come down on Australia, because, shit you guys, I love a sunburnt country, but how about how in Europe you can just get delicious cheese everywhere like it ain't no thang!? We could do with more of that here.  When I was looking for Welsh cake recipes on the internet I found one that called for 'butter (preferably Welsh)' and I was all 'yeah right'. But now I feel really sad I can't make Welsh cakes with Welsh butter. 

And why are those lambies so cute! It's true Australian lambs are cute but those little Welshies are delightful!

Look, Mate, all I ask is that in Ireland you don't go on about the chips and curry. I don't know if my saliva and jealousy glands can take it. 

Pimento cheese - a new best thing (AM)

As you know I just had a baby. He was not a girl and he is not called L'Wren of course, not even here in pseudonym. As as you may also know K is about to skip town for a 6-month work stint around the UK, so we are going to take a little break, just a week or two. But before we do, I wanted to tell you about something very, very special.  Pimento cheese. Blizzie made it for chutney club and, um, I effing love it. It included all my favourite elements: cheese; deliciousness; the look and taste of the eighties, in all its chunky, salmon pink glory! Writing about it now I can barely believe I'd never had it before and once it entered my life I barely ate anything but.

Until, 3 days later when the jar was empty. 

Pimento cheese is from the Southern USA and according to Wikipedia it is known as the caviar of the South. And so it should be, it is super special, delicious and eighties. 

In the mix Blizzie made I think there was grated cheddar cheese, creme fraiche, mayonnaise, pimento, cornichons and maybe some other things. And I love all those things. Although theoretically a mixture of them does sound a little gross I cannot tell you how freaking good it is. Please friends, if you find yourself at a lose end while the lady Crabs take a little break keep yourself busy and happy by whipping up a batch of the good stuff. 

Good stuff (PM)

That sounds like a really great night. 

I think what was happening was that you were experiencing the benefits of endorphins mixed with the  tiredness that feels really great, while also retaining just enough presence-of-mind to make some really great decisions. Eating that cheese, then those morello cherries with ice-cream....that wasn't tiredness or endorphins. That was all you, Mate. You've only got yourself to thank. 

But while we're on the topic, let's take a moment to further celebrate endorphins. 

I was reconnected with their extreme charms just yesterday, after weeks of jogging that left me feeling a little....

I'd been doing most of my jogging at the gym on account of this bullshit spring weather, and it turns out that there is a reason that people liken extremely tedious things to being on a treadmill. I was not loving it, no sirree. 

Then yesterday morning, as I was on my way to the gym, I made a split-second decision to go for a run around the park instead, basically because I couldn't face getting on that treadmill. Also, some mornings there is a guy who engages in some very ostentatious air drumming while running on the treadmill. I was in no mood for that kind of knob-shinery. So off I went to PP and ran until I could justify stopping and then walked a little to cool down. 

Though it was Wednesday morning and the start of a shitty Melbourne spring day, I was smiling my little face off as I was walking along, post-run. Excitement, optimism, love for all (wo)mankind - I was feeling it all. 

 

So let's hear it for endorphins!

Good stuff (AM)

Last night I went climbing with Russeth and afterwards I felt really tired. When I got home though I felt so happy about everything. All the endorphins and shit I guess. Or maybe just 'cause I was really tired. Wait, did I say that already?

First, when I got home I had a piece of cheese. It's no secret I love cheese, but I just put this cheese in my mouth and it made me so happy. And it was just some Bega tasty. 

Then I had a shower. Oh yeah, a shower after a good work out, is there anything better? Oh sure there is, but how effing sweet is an evening shower on a sore, tired bod?!

Then as I was getting ready for bed I thought it was Thursday night and I would have to work tomorrow, i.e. today, and then I realised it was only Wednesday and I wouldn't have to work tomorrow, i.e. today, at all. Fuck yeah!

I topped off the night of joy with a bowl of morello cherries and ice cream. It is basically one of the all-time best desserts and the only thing wrong with it was that it was gone to soon.

Finally I went to bed. How effing good is bed. I fucking love that shit!

I don't know guys, seems like everything was the best last night. Or maybe I was just really tired. Wait, did I say that already?

Northern Crab Life (? -2)

So do I respond now? I have no idea how this topsy turvy crab life is meant to go. All I know is that I want to eat the heck out of a toasted cheese sandwich. In fact I think this is the week I will have to make Heston's toasted cheese sandwich. A sandwich I have been coveting for so long but, frankly, have been too lazy to make. But if K can go all the way over to England to eat at Heston's pub and eat the best toasted cheese sandwich in the history of man I can make an 8-step sandwich in the comfort of my own home.

Cheese! (PM)

Oh baby. Cheese! is right.
I barely go a day without cheese. I guess that's bad, from a cholesterol intake point of view. But from the point of view that life is precious and miraculous and tomorrow is promised to no one, I can not see the sense in a day without cheese. Take cheese away from a day and what do you get? A bad day, that's what.

I guess that's part of the reason I recently spent a lot of my dollars buying Tasmanian cheese on the internet recently.  Remember last year when Miss Soft Crab went to Hobart? Remember how we went to the Bruny Island Cheese Company for a little snack? Well those fine people have a Cheese Club, where they offer a bunch of cheeses that are particularly good at that particular time for sale to club members. Then they deliver them to your door. To your door!* Or your workplace's door, if, like me, you want to make sure that the cheese stays cold after delivery because you spent a lot of money on that cheese and goddamn it, you want to make sure it gets looked after. If you like cheese, I'm pretty sure you will like it when you get a call from the woman at reception saying "there is a very ripe smelling delivery for you waiting at reception".

So right now, I have all of this in my fridge, waiting for the night (next week, hopefully...Chickpea, are you free?) that J, Chickpea and I will have a little cheese eating/Hobart remembering salon at my house.

You can read all about them, and join the club, here.

Also, just because I like cheese so much, I also have these in the house at the moment. Cheddar, cayenne and spring onion biscuits.

I made them on Saturday because I had a bunch of cracker barrel in the fridge and I wanted to consume it quickly and efficiently to make may for the Bruny Island cheeses. In my experience, if you want to eat something quickly and efficiently, put it in a biscuit.

After writing this, and taking that photo, I have two less of those biscuits.

Cheese!




*Writing that makes me think of the Paul Kelly song To Her Door, which makes me picture a bunch of cheeses in a box singing that song as they wing their way towards their cheese loving homes and it's a nice thing to think about.

Cheese! (AM)

Cheese!

I love it so much, I actually don’t know where to begin. I guess maybe I wasn't eating much of it for a while. And recently I have been eating it a bit more. I don't know, all I know is that if I had really thought about things yesterday I could have told you that what I am really loving right now is cheese.

Last night I made a caprese salad, or insalata caprese as the Italians would say. The mozzarella I used wasn’t fancy or anything, just from the supermarket, but still it was delicious. Cheese!

For David’s birthday I bought him a jar of stilton.

But on one of the many occasions I was carrying it to work for a lunch date we were meant to have I dropped the jar. I didn’t realise it had broken until David unwrapped it. It only seemed right to buy him a new, unbroken jar. Which means that I now have a broken jar of stilton in my fridge. I guess I’ll have to eat it. Cheese!

On Sunday night I made a delicious salad of mint, coriander and beetroot. It was really good, but you know what would have made it better? A little feta. Preferably a marinated goats one. Cheese!

You know what I plan to snack on today? Cheddar, butter and cruskits. Did you know that this combination makes it feel like you are eating cheezels?! In the best possible way. CHEESE!

Cheese. Is there anything it can’t do? 

I am... (AM)

On Saturday night I went to a party with K. K was literally the only person I knew there. Literally! (Well, virtually. A couple of faces were familiar from the past, but let the past be the past, right?) Some people approach life and, therefore, parties with the ol' 'a stranger is just a friend you haven't met' attitude. Me, I'm more of the ol' "a stranger is just a person I don't have to give a shit what they think about me" school, which is a liberating way to go to a party.

I had a good time on Saturday night, not least because I got to do some stupid dancing to Kanye. It wasn't really a dancing party. It was more a stand around and talk party. But then Kanye came on and I happened to be in the right room at the right time. I ate a piece of cheese and that seemed to give me the special power I needed. When 'Golddigger' came on you could not stop me from busting some of my sweetest moves. Now to say I need to be drunk, or among strangers, or high on cheese to dance my ass of would be to tell a lie. I need none of those things. Mainly I need a floor under my feet and ideally, though not necessarily, some music. But when everything aligns right, I become my alter ego.

I am Sacha Baron Fierce.

I know that you must be shocked to learn what I look like in my alter ego form. After all, K and I have been very careful not to show you our faces, but I think it is only fair that you know what I look like when I am possessed by Sacha Baron Fierce. Yes, I am very, very beautiful with brooding Jewish eyes and the sensual lips and jawline of a Nubian princess. Also, when I am Sacha Baron Fierce, I am awesome.

Oh, and I have amaaaaaazing dance moves.

Yes, yes, y'all. You'll be seeing a lot more of Sacha Baron Fierce this summer and I bet you can not wait!

You're not doing it right, brain! (AM)

Hey! Guys! How was everyone's weekend? Mine was pretty good thanks.

When I woke up on Sunday morning I was really excited about a post I was going to write for you. It was early and I was just waking up and remembering how earlier in the weekend I'd been taking notes in my Miss Soft Crab notebook and been really excited about this thing that had happened. For you guys. But you know, it was early so I had to think about the weekend to figure out what it was. And then it came to me.

The night before I had been sitting in a room, this really non-descript room and a friend was sitting next to me and a bunch of guys walked in and I realised one of them was Donnie Wahlberg! I know! Marky Mark's brother! I love Marky Mark! And I said to my friend, "Gee Donnie Wahlberg looks really sad." And then the guy in front of me turned around and it was Danny from New Kids on the Block! And it turned out that the non-descript room I was in was about to be the venue for a NKOTB show and we were just sitting right there by the stage! Anyway, Danny from NKOTB said, "Yeah, Donnie's just been two-timed on." Then he laughed like it was really funny and told me that Donnie was hanging out with one of the dancers but he was still really sad. And THAT is when I took out my special notebook, because I could not fucking believe what was going on and that I would have such a good post for you guys today. All this inside gossip on New Kids on the Block that Danny NKOTB seemed to be throwing around so freely! Sure, who gives a shit about those guys, right? Not me, but what a great story!

I guess you see where this is going. When I remembered all these details on Sunday morning it eventually dawned on me that my great experience had been a dream and I'd have fuck all for you guys today.

The weird thing is that when I was young and NKOTB were big I didn't even like them. I NEVER EVEN LIKED THEM! When I saw they were touring here earlier this year with the Backstreet Boys, the only thoughts I had about it were "Ha! NKOTBSB!" and "Weren't those bands hot, like, 10 years apart? Surely there is no cross-over fan base." That is all you guys. Those are the only thoughts I had. And then I had a dream about them. Perhaps I shouldn't be putting this out there like that. Perhaps it says more about my subconscious than I should be admitting.

The only explanation I can think of is that Marky Mark is never too far from my subconscious, but being a subconscious and all, it's tricky about how it works so it sent me Donnie Wahlberg instead. Also, I ate a fair bit of cheese on Saturday.

Thanks for nothing, subconscious.

Treasured memories of Hobart (PM)

No wonder you haven’t stopped thinking about Hobart, Mate. It’s only one of the world’s best places.

You know, David went the week before us and when I asked him how it was he emailed me and said ‘Spectacular, excellent, and wonderful.’ I thought he had to be overstating it but basically I feel like I my experience was exactly those things! Chickpea kept saying she wanted to move there. Man, I wish she would! You know, so I had an excuse to visit more.

Then perhaps we can all move there! Why wouldn’t we:



The view from MONA! I know, right?!





K and art.

Chickpea and Baby checking out the art. Everytime Baby liked an art he would say "I love it! Have it!"



MONA's Moo Brew on the boat home from MONA. Effing yum!

Thor Friendship by night. Thor Friendship is coming!

Remember the cheese?!

 

Up close and personal with that sweet, ripe cheese



Leaving Bruny Island. Why did we have to leave?!





Haiku Thursday (PM)

Rody
Wanted you so long
Ostensibly you're Baby's
But we know you're mine

Goat's cheese

Did I throw you out,

inadvertently, goat's cheese?

Am I such a fool?

Jumpers

Want all the jumpers

Cable knit, plain, patterned, wool

Want all the jumpers

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Unlike our AM haiku, the misanthropy explored in this afternoon's haiku has nothing to do with missing out on potato tacos. (What the eff is that? I want to go to there.)

Pain

Metal bit in park

And later your friend grater

Ate chunks from my hand

F Cookie

Reading 'F- Cookie'

I thought you meant fuck cookie

Man, was I confused!

Weeks

Next week, I've high hopes

Could you please: leave hand intact

Not be very shit

Love

Meredith goats cheese

I know I love you. And yet...

Every time... WOW!

Cheese dreams (PM)

You know last night I had pretty intense dreams and even though I woke up thinking about last night's cheese it didn't even occur to me that I'd been having cheese dreams until I read about your Beyonce dream! That dream sounds awesome by the way. I kind of love celebrity dreams. What a shame you didn't get to go out and party with Beyonce. You guys would have had the best time.

In my dream LB and I were checking out a flat to move into. It was huge and full of a big Jewish family, lots of brass instruments and European things.

Perhaps to make up for the fact I did not have celebrity dreams I kept seeing celebrity doppelgangers this morning. First I  saw a woman so beautiful it made me want to cry. She looked like this:

  

Let me just say that I think my mild hangover largely contributed to my emotional response to her beauty. 

Then I saw a man that looked like this:

 

So weird.

Cheese dreams (AM)

Last night, J and I had a very special dinner with Russeth, David, Welly and Rumpy - a dinner so special that we are not going to blog about it for a few days so that we can really do it justice. Also, perhaps in a few days someone will have put an image of the pork course on the internet, because we forgot to photograph it. At this point, all I can say is that one of the courses involved a cheese so delicious it gave me truly magical cheese dreams.
All cheese dreams are magical, sure. But do all dreams involve hanging out with Beyonce in her bedroom (which looks exactly like J's bedroom from when she was a teenager) and going through her wardrobe to help her pick out an outfit? No they don't people, but this one sure did! Beyonce and I were having the BEST time and I wouldn't have been surprised if, had the dream continued,  she invited me along to whatever she was doing that night. We'll never know, because the dream was cut short, but here is a picture of a rainbow that I took  at the pub the other night.

Stay tuned to Miss Soft Crab for a full description of our special dinner later this week!

Sweet dreams aren't made of cheese

On Saturday night I did leave before the taleggio was finished but I’m pretty sure I did not have cheese dreams. As if I could even tell though. I have been having cheese dreams lately even when I haven’t eaten cheese. On Friday night I dreamt I was a reindeer herder. And I was in a reindeer race. But the king of the reindeer herding tribe set me up to lose by swapping my rad reindeer with an inferior reindeer. Jib.



Once a couple of ‘friends’ told me that listening to other people’s dreams is the boringest thing in the world. I do not subscribe to this. Hence, when I have an interesting dream I tend to tell people about it.

Last week I dreamed that I was getting married but I also was a Harry Potter-type chosen one and I had to fight Voldemort on my wedding day and I had lost my powers! Fucking mind-bender, right! You can bet everyone I have told about that dream was pretty impressed. At the end of the dream I was transported to an island to fight Voldemort while a bunch of death eaters circled around chanting. Then Voldemort and I were sucked into a black sea. Everything was black. THEN I woke up. WHOA!

I told Mickey ‘Mikey Doubleword’ Blue Eyes about this dream and he told me about a dream he’d had in which he had set his alarm too early and woke up in 1918. Then he hit snooze and woke up in 1945. Other people’s dreams are boring! Pah!

Cheese dreams

On Saturday night we had dinner at Miguel and Legsly's house.
Everyone brought something to eat. There was an Italian theme.
I brought cheese for after dinner because I think it's nice to end a meal with a cheese course.
We didn't realise until dessert - which was separate to and immediately before the cheese course - that every single course throughout the whole meal involved cheese. Parmesan on Blephanie's soup, mozzarella in the mushroom side dish J made, Parmesan on the gnocchi Miguel made, goats cheese in the cauliflower quinoa salad Biz made, and marscapone in the dessert David made.
So that was all the cheese we ate before we started properly eating cheese as part of the cheese course.
I think I speak for the whole group when I say that the volume of cheese we consumed was no a problem. But as we were eating it, Miguel noted that it was likely we were all going to have cheese dreams that night. Everyone chuckled and nodded.Except for me because I have never heard of cheese dreams.
What the heck are cheese dreams? I eat cheese all the time and I don't think I've ever had cheese dreams. Are cheese dreams really a thing? I don't think they are!
Miguel explained that cheese dreams happen following consumption of a great deal of cheese. In the wake of cheese, sleep is restless and dreams are crazy. These are cheese dreams.
I decided I would pay careful attention to the dreams I had last night to see whether I am a cheese dreamer.

I guess I should have known from many many years of experience being me that when I decide to pay careful attention to something I might as well decide to completely forget about that thing forever. It's like my brain thinks I am playing opposites with it. I don't understand why or how it happens but I always immediately forget things I try to make an effort to remember. So as I laid down to sleep I was thinking I can not wait to see what cheese dreams I come up with but really I should have been thinking I can not wait for some undisturbed sleep tonight, yes sirree because it was my only hope of actually remembering what I dreamt, but apparently I will never learn. While I certainly did have restless sleep that night the only thing I remember dreaming was that at some point I was wearing a pair of glasses that had a fake moustache attached to them, like Groucho Marx, but someone told me to take them off because it was culturally insensitive. WTF.

A fine romance

It's so nice that LB buys you things he knows you will like from op shops. That's a super nice thing to do! It reminds me of something Chambo told me. Apparently she likes a sweet treat at the end of the day (who doesn't?) but doesn't feel she should have them. Most of the time she resists the urge but once in a while she becomes overwhelmed by the need for a sweet treat. On these occasions, she get's a little hysterical and has been known to take it out on her sweetheart, Cez. But rather than take offence, Cez goes to his hiding spot and retrieves one of the sweet treats he has been stockpiling for Chambo. Isn't that nice? Apparently it makes everyone very happy. Chambo, because she gets to eat the sugar, and Cez because he gets to solve the problem.

But yes, I basically agree with everything you said about romance. Its just people being thoughtful and doing nice things for their sweethearts.

Also, I love that you wrote a message to LB in cheese.
Speaking of cheese, tonight KJ and I ate jalapenos stuffed with prawns and cheese. As an appetizer, of course. I'm sorry to say that the cheese didn't really add anything for me, but jalapenos and prawns have a very fine romance indeed.