Oh life

Sounds like K is really nailing her trip to Tokyo. All that ramen and biru and appeasing her small child by going to parks. That's about as good as a family holiday gets. And that's pretty good I reckon. Me? I know how to have a good time too! Last year when the Warhol and Wei Wei exhibition was on I did all my work at night for a few days so that when Newbie was at childcare I could go and enjoy it on my own. And boy was it worth it. I really enjoyed that day and the exhibition. I've been working nights this week too so I could free up today. You know why? So I could clean the shit out of the house before school holidays so that all the mess that happens in the school holidays doesn't give me a nervous breakdown. When I finish writing this I'm going to go and clean out the linen closet so that it looks like a bunch of folded linen when I open it rather than a pile of fabrics shoved in where it can not fit. Then I hope to clean the rest of the house. Hopefully Little Bean will have a really big sleep so I can accomplish a lot. Oh sure I probably won't ever get the Van Gogh exhibition no matter how many nights I spend doing my work but at least I may keep my sanity (unlike Van Gogh - badoomcha!)

A new look (AM)

Every morning for the last week and a half I've looked at this Andy Wathol painting of Dolly Parton and wondered how I can get this aesthetic into my look for the day.

I don't want a purple face and pink hair obviously, I just want to somehow capture what I love about this picture. The colours, the abundant hair, Dolly.

When I was at the Andy Warhol and Ai Weiwei exhibition and saw this painting I was sitting down in another room and looked behind me and high on a peach coloured wall were these two pictures of Dolly. Together they were really beautiful but I guess it was this one that really captured my attention. Or do I just think that because this is the one sold in postcard form? No I'm pretty sure I loved this one the best.

Needless to say I have not yet figured out how to embody this aesthetic. I think I'd probably need to make my hair big and curly and I probably need to wear some foundation that gives me really smooth beautiful skin. Then I probably need to wear some great coloured lipstick and eye makeup. And I probably need to work these colours into my outfit. Especially that pink

I think we all know that these are things are things I would just never do, not on some regular morning where my outings will most likely involve a school drop-off, getting a coffee down the street and a grocery shop. But I can't stop looking at her and wondering if there is another way. Right now I feel like this is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I won't rest until I find a lazy way to embody it. Or get distracted by something else.

Art/Fashion (PM)

It's true. Lady Design Files went to my school, but she was in Russeth's year. And word up to her for having such a successful blog she can work full time on. Yes, congratulations. But um... is design more interesting than the stuff that K and I ate and saw and thought about? Is it? Is that why she has a successful blog and I just have... this? *sweeps hand across Miss Soft Crab* And only half of this at that!

Just jokes. I love Miss Soft Crab even if I still have to work my day job. And word up to the Design Files!

But that Gorman art as clothes thing, I'm not so sure. Of course I have made no secrets about my feelings for Gorman this past year, so some may say I am biased, THAT SHIT IS FUGLY! Not really. Or at least not totally. That first dress may be ok, or maybe it is just the nice photo? And doesn't Gorman always have something like in that harlequin pattern? Lord give me strength to never find harlequin print jeans attractive. As for that jumpsuit, just no. And I am a person that is not afraid to embrace the fug now and again. Fashionwise.

Give me Ken Done any day.

Did I ever tell you about this time LB and I went to the Gold Coast and had coffee at the Done Art and Design Cafe. It was probably the first time we went to the the Goldy. I'd never been to Queensland before and I was kind of shocked at how totally Queensland the state seemed to be. And the Gold Coast - MINDBLOWER! So you can see why I thought the Done experience was a must. Holiday highlight, people, HOLIDAY HIGHLIGHT!

LB and me at DONE*

*Did you ever notice that Done is spelt the same as done?!

Art/Fashion (AM)

Today's Miss Soft Crab was going to be about this hilarious website I found the other day called songmeanings.net. It was already half written in my mind, so when I sat down in front of the computer this morning, all ready to put finger to keyboard, I felt justified having a little trip around the internet before I got started, just to see what's happening. 

At my first stop, The Design Files, I knew immediately that songmeanings.net was not going to get a guernsey today. You see, today's Design Files post is about Gorman, and how it has done some collaboration with some artist and the result is beautiful art clothes. It is written in the typical excessively gushing style favoured of that particular blog, and the message is clear: Gorman rules OK.  

Now I don't want to be a total hater because we all know that making love is better than making war and also, because I totally admire both lady Gorman and lady The Design Files who, if I'm not mistaken, J went to school with (Is that right mate?). These ladies have both done one of my favourite things people can do, which is conceive an idea, execute it really well and become quite successful as a result of it. I am totally behind that and therefore them. 

But Miss Soft Crab must speak her truth. You know what Miss Soft Crab thinks when she reads about a collaboration between Gorman and some artist, a collaboration that produced this jumpsuit and this harlequin suit? Miss Soft Crab does not think: 

"Such amazing patterns and colours...that jumpsuit! Amaze."

or

"NEED THOSE JEANS" 

like lady Design Files.  

No. 

Miss Soft Crab thinks that this is going to be a bunch of really expensive stuff, some of which might be pretty but some of which is definitely a little fug and the fact that a real live artist was involved in its creation, no matter how rad he might be, can't change that. 

I know it's a minority opinion but there you have it. 

It's over Gorman! Seriously.

PS: Ken Done is not involved in this Gorman collaboration at all. I just thought we should all remember what happened last time art and fashion went and got a room together. 

Return to found (*(k

Well guys, usually I wouldn't just jump into post like this without a little introduction, but I think that found cocks really need no introduction. So let's get the ball(s) rolling!


J:  You know yet another reason why I can't wait for winter to be over? So I can get out of the damn house and find some damn cock art! If it weren't for the kindness of friends (and strangers) I could barely even contribute to this FC experience. But, thanks to friends, strangers, and the kid that drew this, I can.

K: Mate, you're so right. Genuinely creative indoor cock art is really hard to find. If it weren't for public transport, it would have been a long winter indeed.

Happily, Jewel station provided me with this:

Touch on, readers!

J: Thank god for PT, ay? Not that I ever see any cock on the train.

You know FC seemed to really strike a chord with people. For example, all the way over in LA Mondonna really embraced FC and posted several pictures of her and her friends with their FCs on FB. And Phibber posted a constructed food cock from gay Paris on my FB page. But since, weirdly, both those guys left FB I can't show them to you. 

We apologise, but due to technical difficulties we can not show you global FC.

K: FC speaks to all of us.

Just quickly, before we move on from public transport cock, I just want to highlight something I spotted on the tram the other night, and made Legsley photograph for me.  

It's hard to make out, but it's basically a biro drawing of cock and balls on someones hand. And not just anyone, some totally respectable looking guy who looked like he was on his way home from work or something. Right there on his hand: cock and balls. 

J: HAHAHA! Such a good one. Like he was just doodling a doodle at work! HAHA!

Speaking of inappropriate FC remember how at Blizzie's wedding we couldn't stop making everything into FC? Like this random clip and the vodka figs Miguel had the foresight to bring!
 

K: We really could not stop turning things in to FC at that wedding. Which is strange, given how perfectly tasteful everything was. But I guess we were all so happy we couldn't help but do one of our favourite things.

Ok, so I have another FC that I want to talk about, but sadly do not have a picture of. It was basically a giant FC drawn on the side of a white house on my street. This house is on a corner, so it has an entire pure white wall just begging to be drawn on. Happily, someone stepped up to the plate and drew this extremely large FC in  black texta and by extremely large I mean mother-flipping huge.

I saw it from my car as I was driving down the street and chuckled all the way home. I went back yesterday to get a photo of it but disaster! Someone had already painted over it. 

Censorship blows!

Thank god there is no censorship on the internet where I found this:

I will never stop finding this funny.

J: I can't believe that cock got painted over so quickly. It sounds like a real good one and I think we probably would all have been better off having seen it. Luckily, though, I have a real doozie to finish on.

You see a couple of months ago I was innocently sitting at work when a picture was texted to me from a number I didn't recognise and it was...amazing! I could barely believe my eyes! When I texted back asking who it was, and thinking it was a friend whose number I'd lost, it turned out to be a stranger! A colleague of Russeth's.

I think this really shows what a great sense of humour Mother Nature must have. And the fact that it got to the supermarket and into the hands of a friend of Russeth's shows how generous Fate is!  Take a look guys.

K: Mother Nature, you've done it again. 

Friday Favourites: Damon Albarn (PM)

What K says is true. But my mind track looks more like this:
*blllluuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh*
*Blur!*
*Damon Albarn! = destination reached!*

Damon Albarn is the bomb. I love Blur so much! Also I love the Gorillaz! And while that Dr. Dee opera is kind of weird, you gotta respect a man that wants to writes an opera about some old skool mathematician/astronomer/astrologer who straddled the worlds of science and magic and whose thirst for the occult led to his downfall, and then just does it.

Also did you know that Damon Albarn's girlfriend/mother of his child, Suzi Winstanley, is an artist who makes collaborative paintings and photographs with her artistic partner, which I don't really get but think is kind of great. All their work is about nature and they have quite a few wolf works, so, you know, I kind of love them. I know that doesn't really have anything to do with Damon but I guess it's just a positive association.

I know it's Friday and usually I'd like to play a party song to get y'all in the mood but I'm afraid I can't go past 'No distance left to run' for my Blur pick. I just think it's a really beautiful, sad song. I love the tired feel of it. Like he really can do no more. I pretty much think it's genius.

Damon Albarn, you really are an everyday favourite. That doesn't really have the ring of Friday Favourite, but I bet you could make it work.

Napoleon exhibition: a Miss Soft Crab summary (PM)

Napoleon loved bees? I love bees! And I love that bee brooch. I want it! And I want to go see the Napoleon exhibition. I’m gonna. Even though I am slightly disappointed that Napoleon’s horse was not called David.

I think I should go see it for quite a few reasons in fact.

1.       Bees!

2.       Art!

3.       In my mind Napoleon will always look like this:

And now that I am in my early 30s I guess it is time that some of my historical knowledge comes from something other than Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Even if my life philosophy is still based on theirs.

I wish this said "BEE excellent to each other"

Napoleon exhibition: a Miss Soft Crab summary (AM)

I went to see the Napoleon exhibition at the NGV on the weekend.
Revolution!
Military things!
France!
It was very enjoyable actually. You should all go. But in case you don't make it, here are some of my favourite things about it, and some discoveries I made.

Young Napoleon was quite handsome! 
Before seeing the exhibition, I thought Napoleon was kind of boring looking, with a bent towards the smug, and obviously a very short man. Now I know that was only how he looked in the later years. As a young man, he was a total dish. See for yourselves, readers.

Nothing wrong with that, am I right? Men doing hoist enough flags these days if you ask me, nor look over their shoulders while wearing a sash.
Also, apparently he was 5 foot 6 inches tall. The same height as me! That's not that short people, give him a break.


Bees!
You know how most kings and the like favour symbols like eagles and lions to make them look powerful and what not? Well, perhaps the most endearing thing about Napoleon was that in addition to having the image of an eagle slapped all over his paraphernalia, he also had a bee as his special emperor symbol. Isn't that adorable? I think that's so adorable! Apparently he liked bees.

This is a bronze bee from the NB's coronation celebrations. CUTE!

The bit where I thought Napoleon's horse was called David!
Miss Soft Crab is a big fan of Davids. We love them in fact.  While looking at this picture, I noticed that it says David on Napoleon's horse's leather strappy thing, the one that is making a horizontal line in this picture.

You can't see it here, but trust me, it's there. When I noticed this,  I basically decided I loved Napoleon. Not only is he handsome and a bee fan, but he has a horse named David. Who cares that he made himself emperor and made members of his family Kings and Queens in a whole bunch of other places. He has a horse called David and that makes him OK by me.

Turns out the person who painted he portrait was called Jean-Louis David, and the horsie's name is unknown.

Oh well.

I liked lots of other things but these ones spring to mind. You guys should go!

Treasured memories of Hobart (PM)

No wonder you haven’t stopped thinking about Hobart, Mate. It’s only one of the world’s best places.

You know, David went the week before us and when I asked him how it was he emailed me and said ‘Spectacular, excellent, and wonderful.’ I thought he had to be overstating it but basically I feel like I my experience was exactly those things! Chickpea kept saying she wanted to move there. Man, I wish she would! You know, so I had an excuse to visit more.

Then perhaps we can all move there! Why wouldn’t we:



The view from MONA! I know, right?!





K and art.

Chickpea and Baby checking out the art. Everytime Baby liked an art he would say "I love it! Have it!"



MONA's Moo Brew on the boat home from MONA. Effing yum!

Thor Friendship by night. Thor Friendship is coming!

Remember the cheese?!

 

Up close and personal with that sweet, ripe cheese



Leaving Bruny Island. Why did we have to leave?!





Found (0(K

When I was going to Golden Plains this year I picked Legsly up from Geelong train station so we could go together. I was down that way and I was the one with the car so she caught the train down to meet me for a ride. She told me a story about the train ride during which, while stopped at a train station, three rowdy youths ran up to the train and drew cocks on the window of the stationary train. Just stationary for the drop off and pick up. All three of the guys. Now that is dedication to drawing cocks. God, how I wish I'd been there!

If you've spent any time around these parts you may remember cock on a tenner and cock in a guac or cock on a 'nana. But since then what?! Good question!

Chickpea wrote to me a little while ago with the message "Are you still collecting them" with this picture attached:

Cute isn't it?! And then I realised that I hadn't found a picture like that worth photographing in a long time. I told Chickers I hadn't found any good ones lately and the very next day she sent me this one. I like it because of its crudity. The simplicity of it. Someone just thought yep, I'm gonna draw a cock and then they knocked one out.

Anyway, I guess I'm not the only one interested in finding cock. Let's see what K has to say about it!

K: Thanks mate, I do have some things to say about found cock. As you say, at its simplest FC is about somewhere someone saying  yep, I'm gonna draw a cock. And that's OK by me. So natural and spontaneous. I mean, who among us can say they have never been swept by that mood?

Of course, this is harder to do if you're a perfectionist, like I assume the person who made the following FC is:

This seems to me to be the creation of someone who doesn't like to draw outside the lines. Great that he/she is having a go but geez guy/girl, have a little fun with it!

J: Yeah, losen up.

Still, I appreciate that there is room for the spontaneous and the more premeditated. Like this cock o' rice that Chikpea and I saw a picture of shortly after I realised it was time to start collecting again.

 

K: Nyuck nyuck nyuck. Cock o' rice. Way to have fun at work, whoever did that!

You know who else is having fun? These little punks, who used found materials to create something quite special:

Strictly speaking, it's more found poon than found cock, but it's totally in the spirit of what we're talking about here today. When I stumbled across these guys at work,  I felt like I had just discovered Basquait. This, from folks so young? Unbelievable. I can not wait to see how their work develops. 

J: Well, while we are off cockic topic and talking about men at work, check out this babycino Baby received when we were in Sydney a while ago!

Naturally Baby could not wait to get stuck into it.

K: HAHAHAHA. People can be so great.

Such as your Mum, mate. As evidenced at passover dinner, when she turned a blind eye while we laughed and laughed because the horseradish on the seder plate looked so much like a cock.

Due to technical difficulties we can not show you the horseradish from our seder plate. Luckily horseradish cock and balls are not rare, thank you Internet for providing this replacement.

We didn't make it so, the earth made it so! We just bore witness.

J: HAHAHA! Yeah, that horseradish cock was such a good one. Cocks of nature! An accidental cock is almost better than one put there by design. I mean they are the true found cock, right?! Take this piece of cock rock that I found at the same place as the cock o' rice. These pink phalluses were on every table! What?

But I think my favourite accidental was this one:

 

The projection of a microphone onto the shirt of a groom giving a speech.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!

K: I don't think we can top that, Mate.

But that won't stop us searching, always searching, for the next FC. And readers, please take up the search yourselves, if you haven't already. Perhaps some of you have some FCs of your own you'd like to share? If so, please post them on the Miss Soft Crab Facebook page - I'm sure I speak for the whole Crab community when I say we would love to see them.

J: It's true. That last one is gold. But I would love to finish up with something a little classic. In fact it is something that Russeth did and I saw it in a Facebook album of G-Force's from a recent fishing trip they went on with some other cats. I really love the simpleness of the drawings, and that the whole thing is so complete. You know?  I just think it is the purest example of cock vandalism.

Things from my life (AM)

Hey, I saw some things in the last couple of weeks I liked. Maybe you'll like them too.

I saw some good street art. In Prahran. TWICE. 

I don't know if this really qualifies as street art. But I liked it.

I love this wall of TDK headphones. I feel like this is what my childhood looked like. You know the eighties, so brown and full of TDK.

Finally, these buns really made my day. You know how packet food instructions are always really cold and bossy? They don't have to be. If you want some tenderness from your packet foods you should get these buns.