Sounds like my Sunday night (AM)

Last night I started writing about dogs. But it ended up really just being about the part of my soul I lost when Doggy died and I am pretty sure no one wants to start their week off reading about the death of a dog or the attendant heartache. I mean we have all week for the melancholy to grow, let's try and start  off positive.

The crazy thing is, I watched Ted last night and if that can't elicit a positive post, what hope is there.

I couldn't stop thinking about where the story goes in Ted 2 and how Amanda Seyfried is the female lead instead of Mila Kunis and how I hope that doesn't mean that the Marky Mark and Mila Kunis characters have broken up. I mean the whole point of Ted is their personal growth and eventual marriage. This in turn led me to question why I'm such a square and whether I'm too resistant to change. But that's what movies often ask of us, to invest everything into a relationship, you can't just trash that relationship for the sake of a sequel. Plus I quite like Mila Kunis and I can't say the same for Seyfried.

Apparently Mila Kunis was too busy being a mother to her baby, Wyatt, to be in Ted 2. Yep, she's at home with baby girl. Her baby girl called Wyatt. Oh, Wyatt isn't a girl's name you say? Moreover, it's fucking ugly. I know! Wyatt makes Apple look like a great name. Seriously, Hollywood. What are you doing to your children?!?! Anyway I wish I didn't know about baby Wyatt, it really is making me rethink my feelings for Kunis.

Ugh, this attempt at a positive start to the week didn't work at all. Off you go. I release you from this post.

Great films: The Departed (AM)

Sometimes I write a blog post and I feel pretty confident I know what K's position will be on whatever I'm writing about. Sometimes I predict things wrong and sometimes I just don't know. Today I want to talk about what a great movie The Departed is. I know that when K first saw that movie she was down on it, think mainly because it wasn't Infernal Affairs. But maybe she's changed her position. It's happened before. (Ask her what she thought of Tropic Thunder that first time she saw it. You won't believe what she tells you! (Spoiler - she didn't think it was funny.)) Now Infernal Affairs is a great movie, there's no denying that. And I wouldn't be true to the spirit of Miss Soft Crab if I didn't admit that not only do I think it's a great film but we Crabs have a lot of scwhingspect I mean respect for Andy Lau and Tony Leung. So sure I felt worried about what Hollywood may do to the film, but when I saw The Departed when it came out I thought it was pretty great. Not as an Infernal Affairs remake but just as a film, it was just a great film.

I hadn't seen The Departed since 2006 or so, until it was on television last week, and I gotta tell you guys, it is one effing great film. It has this great noir feel. Not in the hammed up way you usually see noir these days, with extreme shadows and high contrast, but in a much more subtle way. But the film also has this kind of Hong Kong cinema vibe too. In one shot Leonardo is trying to catch the cop, Matt Damon, that is in with the mob, chasing him down streets and he is doesn't know its Matt Damon but he sees this reflection in this wind chime mirror... Look, I can't really explain it very well but it just really felt very HK. I just really feel that Martin Scorsese is quite good at his job. He really could go far if he puts his mind to it.

It's also worth noting that The Departed has a pretty good cast. It's set in Boston and some of Boston's finest sons are in it. Marky Mark! Matt Damon. Alec Baldwin. Ok, according to Wikipedia, Alec Baldwin is actually from Massapequa, but Jack Donaghy is from Boston, and what's good enough for 30 Rock is good enough for me. But although the record clearly shows that I love Marky Mark a lot, I have to say it's really Leonard Dicaprio that stands out in this movie for me. He really is quite good at his job. He could really go far if he puts his mind to it. 

Look, I know that no one wants to read a review of a 10-year-old movie, but don't you want to think about great stuff. Maybe you think this movie is great, maybe you don't, but let me just sing the praises of remembering great films of the past. Now that Margaret and David aren't on TV anymore doing that classic movie thing they started doing I guess that is just another hole Miss Soft Crab can fill for you. You're welcome. 

Will I ever forgive? (PM)

Sucks to be you, mate, I'm sorry. I've heard mixed reviews of the ape movie but I'm just going to come right out and say it, if I am going to see a mediocre Hollywood movie I want some goddamn hunks in it. Unless you are going to underutilise said hunk by keeping their shirt on the entire time (I'm looking at you Tim Burton!) then it just makes me angry. As has been established. Repeatedly. Hunks! Not unknown Australian that looks as if he were in Home and Away like some lesser Hemsworth.

Anyway over here in M-town School of Rock was on TV and even though I've seen it many, many times I just really like it a lot. In fact when we turned it on I immediately smiled.  It was an excellent way to forget about the troubles of the world.

And because I want everyone to be as lucky as I was last night I've included these unnecessary hunk pictures in this post for you. 

Your welcome!

Disappointments (AM)

Life is full of disappointments (see the Marky Mark remake of Planet of the Apes and also Snow White and the Huntsman - but only after watching the awesome trailers for each). It's expectation that does it. Without expectation there would be no disappointments, only appointments. Wait...what?

By far the greatest disappointments are food-related ones. Oh sure there are professional disappointments, like when you apply for a job, are given the impression you will get it only to be told they decided to hire from within despite their better judgement. There are romantic disappointments, like the decade of my life from the ages of 13-23. But really does anything compare to food disappointment? No matter how you look at it, it's the worst.

Say you cook something, you spend time thinking about how it will taste, preparing your taste buds, preparing the food, and then when it doesn't work out...UGH! It's the worst.

But for me the very, very worst is bad takeaway. This is worse even than the disappointment of a bad restaurant meal, because at least if you go to a restaurant you've been out, probably socialising, you are in it for the experience. If you get takeaway you have basically decided to spend a bunch of money for a meal of minimal nutrition and maximum calories. And the pay-off is that you don't have to cook and you get to eat some kind of delicious food. Maybe gross delicious, maybe delicious delicious, but whatever it is you want to enjoy it, otherwise you are basically eating an expensive, nutritionless, tasteless meal. Oh, its the worst. Moreover a person can't get takeaway all the time and if you've had a shit takeaway meal, that's it. You still have to cook and eat your own food again night after night after night after night until you feel like enough time has passed that you can get takeaway again. And then all you can do is pray your next takeaway meal is going to be more satisfying than the last. But how can you know? This week I was disappointed by a place that usually satisfies but the meal was a total dud. Is nothing sacred?! And to make things worse I watched most of The Green Hornet last night. And right now, I'm hungry! This week is not working out as well as I'd have liked. 

The Oscars 2013

I think you know what is about to happen here. But before we get into it, can I just say how thankful I am that the Oscars producers read our 2012 post and put a few genuine hunks into the mix this year. Still, it would help if they didn't include so much shit in the coverage. Fuckers.

K: Oscars 2013. Serve it up, let's go!

You know I don't even know who's won any of these bitches.

J:  I know who won a few. Not many. Let's get the elephant out of the room. If this is the hunk-free nightmare it was last year I'm going to

...

...

Be really upset

K:  Same.

J:  I calling it on MacFarlane, I think he will suck.

K:  Yeah. I'm feeling like I wish it was Brian Griffin.

J:  That would be great!

K:  Not a real guy. 

Ooh, DDL! Still a hunk.

J:  A laughing DDL! Yeah, he's still got it.

I wonder if Leonardo is there. We can get to the bottom of whether he is a hunk.

 At this point Seth MacFarlane did a thing with William Shattner in his Star Trek guise. It was not funny and was based on the (all too believable premise) that MacFarlane would be a terrible host. 

K:  Shattner's calling it too

J:  Shattner knows what's what.

K:  Mate, are we going to make it this year?

J:  I've got some hard liquor on standby so I think I'll be ok.  For a while at least.

K:  What's your poison?

J:  Left over Ikea spirits. It worked for the Brownlow.

K:  I've got some peach schnapps, come to think of it.

J:  Thank god. Fuck, I can't believe this Shattner thing is still going. I don't know if the Ikea liquor is going to be enough.

K:  No hunks yet. I can't help but notice. 

Hang about...

J:  Joseph Gordon Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe. YES! Dancing no less! #WIN #gonetoosoon.

K:  Sure, but it's kind of a mess.

J:  I'm trying to look on the bright side

K:  I think I've got a bad attitude.

J:  Drink the schnapps. Joaqs and Rain!

K:  Let’s hope some hunks rise like Pheonixes from the ashes of last year.

J:  Heh heh

K:  Thanks mate. Those Ikea spirits really work

J:  I'm not drinking yet!

Probably I'll think Affleck is a hunk by the end of this

K:  But not Cooper. Never Cooper.

J:  If I think Bradley Cooper is a hunk after this I'm never watching the Oscars again. Or putting myself in any hunk-free environment.

 

K:  Paul Rudd and Mel Mac!

J:  #winningcombos

K:  I love these guys. Slappin da bass

J:  You know what else is good? Ikea spirits! I've had to start drinking and this one tastes like caraway

The bottles are little, I just decided to go for 2 at once

J: The Avengers quintet! This could be hot!

K:  But where's Hemsworth?

J:  Shit, I missed the bit where he did not say Hemsworth's name. This is not hot.

K:  No, no it's not. Ruffalo looks like a young Shattner. Which is to say, not hot

J:  Some people are only hot in movies. Like Marky Mark.

K:  What are you saying, Mate?

J:  I saw Graham Norton on the weekend. Marky Mark and Fassbender were on it! I think Wahlberg was drunk. He was kind of a d-bag. Anyway maybe that’s Ruffalo.

K:  That's so disappointing. How was Fassbender?

J:  Marky Mark kept interrupting him, he hardly spoke but he laughed a lot. I had to admit, the guy has something.

K:  Eureka!

My lappy battery is down to 58% capacity. I'm using at as an indicator of my own capacity.

J:  I don't like Halle Berry but I'm pretty attracted to her dress. I didn't see it in long shot though.

J: There it is. I like it.

K:  It's got some specialness I think. Its certainly better than the other snore makers

J:  Liam!

K:  Liam!

J:  HAHA! Liam still gets the Schindler's List music when he comes out.

I set my TV to change to The Mindy Project in case the Oscars was too boring #forwardthinking

The Phoenixes are sitting next to Jennifer Anniston.

K:  It looks a little out of place, doesn't it? But maybe they are all amigos.

J:  Probs its just difficult to organise the seating plan for the Oscars.

I just found a possum in the kitchen. It scared me. Then I scared it and it ran out the window.

Hey, All That Jazz. From back when they knew how to make musicals. Yes C-Zets!

...Oh, songs from all the musicals in Oscar history. No thanks!

Russell Crowe has seen better days. Oh, there was no prerecording of this Les Mis extravaganza.

K:  Sorry Mate, I was offline for a little bit. But I'm back now for the musical megamix. Holy shit! 

Never mind Russell Crowe , there was a possum in your kitchen?

J:  It came in through the window. It was in the sink.

It ran back out the window and

 K:  Oh the poor little poss. I bet it was thirsty.

J:  Who isn't!

K:  Ha!

K:  I want someone to win something. Someone hunky.  Or someone wearing a good dress

J:  Dream on.

Hang about.

K:  HANG ABOUT!

 

K: I like Ted's Boston accent

J:  I like it too. Also, I love Marky Mark again. Everyone has bad days. Especially when they are drunk.

K:  He's still got it. Whatever MM's version of 'it' is

J:  'It's' special. I know that much.

K:  Yeah, 'it' is. Imagine if Marky Mark was Jewish

J:  Oh, boy.

K:  Oy boy.

Marky Mark and Ted were announcing the best sound editing awards.

K:  Lot of hair in this category...

J:  People sitting in dark rooms doing sound editing. Perfect hair growing conditions.

K:  22% battery left, FYI

J:  UGH. Hathaway. Get off.

K:  Yes please. Get off.

J:  Seriously.

K:  Remember when she hosted? Ugh

J:  Oh, that was the worst! The worst! I think I don't like any actress less.

K:  16 per cent battery mate! #runningonempty

J:  Well, even though these Oscars are boring as the proverbial bat shit (what kind of proverb writer would write one about bat shit?) You've gotta admit the hunk quotient is higher than last year.

K:  A little bit. Just a little bit. No Christian Bale, I can't help but notice.

More DDL wouldn't go astray #ifyouvegotitflauntit

J:  #truedat Still, Marky Mark, the Radcliffe-Gordon Levitt dance, Joaqs in the audience. Last year it was like there wasn't a handsome man in the audience.

K:  So true. Joaqs in the audience has been a real boon.

Where is Casey?

Also, where are the straps on all the dresses of all the ladies? It's just shoulder after shoulder tonight...

J:  Oh, I know. Where is Casey Affleck and where are the straps. But seriously folks, why isn't Casey Affleck there with his brother or brother in-law?

K:  Shit mate, I'm on reserve battery power! 7 per cent!  

J:  I don't if you are still there mate, but KStew and Radcliffe! #togetheratlast

K:  I went to clean my teeth. What did I miss?

J:  Just more broken promises.

K:  That's Oscartown

  

J:  Yep. Another year, another 5 hours wasted.

K:  Oh, no you don't mate!! MY HOMEGIRL

J:  She's rapping

K:  I wish she would do the rap from Austin Powers

J:  #memories

K:  You know, it's surprising one of my brothers isn't gay, what with all the milk of Barbra Streisand we were nursed on.

J:  Probably one of them is #keepitinthecloset HAHAHA! Obviously I do not think either of your brothers is gay

K:  No one does Mate. But I bet we came close. Anyway. I'm going to hit the sack.So who won stuff?

J:  Argo won best movie, DDL won best actor, Ang Lee won best movie, Jennifer Lawrence won best actress. I think. I'm a bit making this up. Improv they call it in the biz. The Internet tells me Django won best original screenplay and Argo won best unoriginal screenplay.

K:  Ha. Well, good for you, winners. Bad luck losers. And goodnight to you my friend. me:   

J: Yep, movies night of nights. Over. Thank God. 'Night.

Promising combos (AM)

Remember that time I wrote about winning combos? Of course you do, no doubt the best of my posts are burned into your brain like the flash bulbs of photographers flashing at a starlet in a movie from the fifties. What? Anyway, you know what is great? When you get prepared for a combo you never expected and haven't seen in action yet. Like this combo of Tina Fey and Paul Rudd.

Of course everyone loves Tina Fey. I mean, Mean Girls, Saturday Night Live, that show she's in with Alec Baldwin. Jokies. 30 Rock. I love 30 Rock. And who doesn't love Paul Rudd? Ever since he played Cher's sensitive older stepbrother and love interest in Clueless, everyone loves him right? I always thought he should be in more stuff, maybe be a leading man, but then I saw I Love You Man an I thought maybe he couldn't carry a whole movie. Then I watched it again and think I must have been crazy that first time! Slappin da bass! Hahahahhaahah!


Anyway, I felt really happy to see that T.Fey and P.Rudd are in a movie together, but I know, in my heart of hearts, that it will probably be kind of lame. Mind you I did enjoy Date Night a lot, and that had the promising combo of T.Fey and Steve Carrell. But as discussed here previously and extensively, those filmmakers really knew what they were working with and used everyone to their full potential.




Anyway, fingers crossed for Admission,because when a promising combo becomes a winning combo it feels like all is right in the world.

You're not doing it right, brain! (PM)

Look Mate, I'm not a doctor, but it's clear to me that in the interests of your health, we have to go and see Ted as soon as possible.

Enough's enough. You need some sweet relief!

You're not doing it right, brain! (AM)

Hey! Guys! How was everyone's weekend? Mine was pretty good thanks.

When I woke up on Sunday morning I was really excited about a post I was going to write for you. It was early and I was just waking up and remembering how earlier in the weekend I'd been taking notes in my Miss Soft Crab notebook and been really excited about this thing that had happened. For you guys. But you know, it was early so I had to think about the weekend to figure out what it was. And then it came to me.

The night before I had been sitting in a room, this really non-descript room and a friend was sitting next to me and a bunch of guys walked in and I realised one of them was Donnie Wahlberg! I know! Marky Mark's brother! I love Marky Mark! And I said to my friend, "Gee Donnie Wahlberg looks really sad." And then the guy in front of me turned around and it was Danny from New Kids on the Block! And it turned out that the non-descript room I was in was about to be the venue for a NKOTB show and we were just sitting right there by the stage! Anyway, Danny from NKOTB said, "Yeah, Donnie's just been two-timed on." Then he laughed like it was really funny and told me that Donnie was hanging out with one of the dancers but he was still really sad. And THAT is when I took out my special notebook, because I could not fucking believe what was going on and that I would have such a good post for you guys today. All this inside gossip on New Kids on the Block that Danny NKOTB seemed to be throwing around so freely! Sure, who gives a shit about those guys, right? Not me, but what a great story!

I guess you see where this is going. When I remembered all these details on Sunday morning it eventually dawned on me that my great experience had been a dream and I'd have fuck all for you guys today.

The weird thing is that when I was young and NKOTB were big I didn't even like them. I NEVER EVEN LIKED THEM! When I saw they were touring here earlier this year with the Backstreet Boys, the only thoughts I had about it were "Ha! NKOTBSB!" and "Weren't those bands hot, like, 10 years apart? Surely there is no cross-over fan base." That is all you guys. Those are the only thoughts I had. And then I had a dream about them. Perhaps I shouldn't be putting this out there like that. Perhaps it says more about my subconscious than I should be admitting.

The only explanation I can think of is that Marky Mark is never too far from my subconscious, but being a subconscious and all, it's tricky about how it works so it sent me Donnie Wahlberg instead. Also, I ate a fair bit of cheese on Saturday.

Thanks for nothing, subconscious.