Why I oughtta...(PM)

I feel bad that J spent so long on GOOP, and therefore had to feel all the annoyance she so plainly, and rightly, felt. I feel like I am partly to blame for this. GOOP is mostly to blame, but I am partly to blame. I'm sorry Mate.

To pick up on GOOP's point though, I know what it's like to have the 'once in a lifetime pleasure that should be both commemorated and maximised...blah blah blah' because in 2011, I went to NYC with my Mum! I haven't read GOOP's idea of what mothers and daughters should do in NYC but I assume it's this. And she is right. What a magical time that was. We spent the days sightseeing and getting on each others nerves before having an afternooner at 5pm each day. So in so far as GOOP's itinerary involves those things, then she's spot on.


But speaking of annoying celebrity sites, how about we talk about PRESERVE,  Serena Van Der Woodsen's site in which she brings us "Expensive stuff. Inexpensive stuff. And everything in between. But their value, is up to you. We may romanticise it, calling it treasure. What we're really saying is we see worth on every level."
Spew.

The slogan says PRESERVE is about "the stories and creations of artisans". Talk about completely fucking baffling. If those Gossip Girls had spent a little less time on the steps of the Met and a little more time in the classroom, they would know that the term artisan probably doesn't apply to the output of whatever factory produced this amazingly unique stripey top, yours for a mere $135 on PRESERVE. 

What the eff is BB cream? (AM)

On Saturday morning, I took myself off to get a pedicure. I was terribly hungover and needed to feel better - fast. Readers, if I am ever out drinking with you and I suggest we end the night with a whisky, know this: I am already drunk and absolutely do not need that whisky. That's not to say I won't enjoy it, but I definitely will not need it. Though, to be fair, what is 'needing' whiskey? I'm not sure I want that either. 

Anyway, there I was on Saturday morning: my feet in a warm bath, my person in a warm massage chair, my face in a magazine,  and friends, it was totally working. But then I turned the page and saw this:

Loreal Nude Magique.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA I thought to myself. Nude Magique! What a stupid name!  I sat there chuckling away.  

But the I read the ad properly.  "BB Magic. The 1st self-adjusting  BB Cream" it said.  

Um, what the eff is BB cream?  

Since when did it become a thing? Do people wear it? What is it all about?

I turned to the internet for answers. According to Wikipedia "BB Cream stands for blemish balm, blemish base, or beblesh balm (apparently because of a copyright in Korea on the word "blemish")". 
HAHAHA. Beblesh Balm. 
Wikipedia goes on to say "BB cream is promoted as an all-in-one facial cosmetic product to replace serum, moisturizer, primer, foundation, and sunblock."
Well well well. Doesn't that sounds like a lazy girl's wet cream?
Sounds a little too good to be true if you ask me. What is it, a Thermomix?

I thought about nicking the sample from the magazine at the pedicure place so I could see for myself, but I felt guilty just thinking about it so I didn't. Instead I bought my own copy of that magazine last night so I could try this Nude Magique. Turns out I bought the wrong magazine and instead of a sample of Nude Magique, it just had this picture of Megan Gale trying to sell me a different BB cream from the Loreal stable.

Megan is quoted as saying "We all talk about it....skin that looks perfect today and younger tomorrow."
Clearly, we move in different circles, Megan.

Anyway, I guess my suspicion and my laziness means I still don't really know what the eff BB cream is.

Get your hand off it! (PM)

Ugh! Get your hand off it so much, Kiehl's.

Firstly, I think that Kiehl's and I have a pretty different understanding of the term 'success'. I, for example, would consider a successful website one that had both high traffic and the ability to deal with all that traffic. Kiehl's on the other hand seem to think a successful website is one that crashes when it has lots of traffic. Weird. Maybe that's cause they speak American English.

But that's just semantics right? The real point here is that, ugh, Kiehl's, your website is in Australia now. We are a people that do not give standing ovations at the drop of a hat. We are a people that believe that success is something you could largely keep to yourself. And until recently we were a people that were not overly gushy. I can't help but think that the advent of excessive gushiness may have come from USA. USA, I love you, but qualities that are charming in you are not charming over here. Like how baby farts are cute but adult ones aren't you, know.

So Kiehl's, instead of telling us your website is useless cause you are so great maybe just say something make like 'Sorry we suck.' And we'll get along just fine.

Get your hand off it! (AM)

"Get your hand off it!" is something MSC says a lot.

Not so much on Miss Soft Crab, but in real life, we say it all the time. The world is full of wank you see, and when we witness it, we find it hard to stand by and ignore it. They say that for evil to flourish, all that's necessary is for good people to stand by and do nothing. Well that goes for wanking too. We all need to point the finger at wankerlyness because if we don't, where will it end? Miss Soft Crab likes to lead by example in this respect. We even have a little pantomime that goes with it. If you're ever hanging out with us in real life, you should ask us to do it. It's funny. (For us). 

With all of this in mind, I just want to bring everyone's attention to something I saw yesterday on the Kiehl's website. I should have known that I was entering a wank danger-zone when I logged on, but I guess I was preoccupied with all the stuff I want. 

Anyway, as I was searching for things, this error page came up:

Having trouble reading that? Let's zoom in, shall we?

You've got to be effing kidding me, Kiehl's. Due to its success? The hell it is! You've just got a shitty website Kiehl's, something that could probably be fixed quite easily if you could get your hand off it for five seconds! Stop being tools and fix your website so I can buy the things.

Knobshiners. 

Art/Fashion (PM)

It's true. Lady Design Files went to my school, but she was in Russeth's year. And word up to her for having such a successful blog she can work full time on. Yes, congratulations. But um... is design more interesting than the stuff that K and I ate and saw and thought about? Is it? Is that why she has a successful blog and I just have... this? *sweeps hand across Miss Soft Crab* And only half of this at that!

Just jokes. I love Miss Soft Crab even if I still have to work my day job. And word up to the Design Files!

But that Gorman art as clothes thing, I'm not so sure. Of course I have made no secrets about my feelings for Gorman this past year, so some may say I am biased, THAT SHIT IS FUGLY! Not really. Or at least not totally. That first dress may be ok, or maybe it is just the nice photo? And doesn't Gorman always have something like in that harlequin pattern? Lord give me strength to never find harlequin print jeans attractive. As for that jumpsuit, just no. And I am a person that is not afraid to embrace the fug now and again. Fashionwise.

Give me Ken Done any day.

Did I ever tell you about this time LB and I went to the Gold Coast and had coffee at the Done Art and Design Cafe. It was probably the first time we went to the the Goldy. I'd never been to Queensland before and I was kind of shocked at how totally Queensland the state seemed to be. And the Gold Coast - MINDBLOWER! So you can see why I thought the Done experience was a must. Holiday highlight, people, HOLIDAY HIGHLIGHT!

LB and me at DONE*

*Did you ever notice that Done is spelt the same as done?!

Art/Fashion (AM)

Today's Miss Soft Crab was going to be about this hilarious website I found the other day called songmeanings.net. It was already half written in my mind, so when I sat down in front of the computer this morning, all ready to put finger to keyboard, I felt justified having a little trip around the internet before I got started, just to see what's happening. 

At my first stop, The Design Files, I knew immediately that songmeanings.net was not going to get a guernsey today. You see, today's Design Files post is about Gorman, and how it has done some collaboration with some artist and the result is beautiful art clothes. It is written in the typical excessively gushing style favoured of that particular blog, and the message is clear: Gorman rules OK.  

Now I don't want to be a total hater because we all know that making love is better than making war and also, because I totally admire both lady Gorman and lady The Design Files who, if I'm not mistaken, J went to school with (Is that right mate?). These ladies have both done one of my favourite things people can do, which is conceive an idea, execute it really well and become quite successful as a result of it. I am totally behind that and therefore them. 

But Miss Soft Crab must speak her truth. You know what Miss Soft Crab thinks when she reads about a collaboration between Gorman and some artist, a collaboration that produced this jumpsuit and this harlequin suit? Miss Soft Crab does not think: 

"Such amazing patterns and colours...that jumpsuit! Amaze."

or

"NEED THOSE JEANS" 

like lady Design Files.  

No. 

Miss Soft Crab thinks that this is going to be a bunch of really expensive stuff, some of which might be pretty but some of which is definitely a little fug and the fact that a real live artist was involved in its creation, no matter how rad he might be, can't change that. 

I know it's a minority opinion but there you have it. 

It's over Gorman! Seriously.

PS: Ken Done is not involved in this Gorman collaboration at all. I just thought we should all remember what happened last time art and fashion went and got a room together. 

Pity the fool (PM)

Oh, brother. Fool sounds like the worst of the worst. My eyes are sore from my rolling them so much while I was looking at that website.

Get your hand off it, Fool!

Your tagline of Food, Insanity, Brilliance & Love sounds to me like shit, crap, excrement and poo.

And while I am eating something as I write this, it's not because you have inspired me, Fool. It's because I like food, and I like to put it in my mouth where it belongs instead of all gussied up on the pages of your goddamned magazine.

So...wanna know what I'm eating?

This delicious mini-bagel from Aviv. I was just going to get one regular bagel but I got two mini ones so I could spread the joy out a little.
Hooray!

Beer Review: Estrella Damm Inedit (PM)

I wish that Estrella Damm Inedit would come here and say that it wants to fill a gap in my drinking. The gap that's in my face!

 (I mean my mouth.)

What with it being Tuesday afternoon, and me being at work, and it being the coldest day of the year (coldest day of the world, more like it), I would love a visit from that little Iberian princess.
 Look at it, with it's pretty little label, begging to be followed like some unholy star of bethlehem.

Wait a minute, that's not asparagus

And don't bother bringing that wine glass, Estrella Damm Inedit. I'll take you straight out of the bottle, baby.
Yeah.

Beer review: Estrella Damm Inedit (AM)

A few years ago Ferran Adria was in Melbourne for some Food and Wine Festival thing and I went to see him talk. He made me think and feel a lot of things including, but not limited to: he is adorable; I want to eat his food; I can't believe I'll probably never get to eat his food; shit, life can be unfair.

And then, last weekend I was at the bottle shop and I saw this:

Estrella Damm Inedit. The beer of Ferran Adria! Close enough is near enough I sometimes say!

So I bought it. Of course I did.

 

After a little internet research I learned that this beer has been created by Ferran Adria, Juli Soler and elBulli's sommelier's team to "fill a gap in drinking."   It was perceived by team elBulli that there is not a beer that is great to eat with, so they made one. Me, I've never percieved this lack, but who the hell am I?! Just a beer lover who'll take what I can get!
 

Team elBulli

After a little more research (reading the side of the box) I learned that this beer should compliment any dish, even "challenging foods such as asparagus or cheese". Um, ok.

Whoopsee

I also learned, after pouring it into beer glasses that I should drink it from a white wine glass. Um, ok.

Aaaahh, that's better

Then I learned that it is a "unique coupage of barley malt, wheat, hop, coriander, orange peel, yeast and water." And then I learned coupage means blend of wine.

Finally I drank it. According to the box the beer is:

• Slightly cloudy in appearance. Check!
• Fruity and floral to the nose. Check!
• Has a yeasty sensation and sweet spices reminiscences. Kinda.
• Creamy and fresh texture. Not really.
• Soft volume and delicate carbonic. Oh, come off it. 
• Long aftertaste. Absolutely not. That taste disappeared seconds after the beer was drunk.
• Pleasant memory. Sure, pleasant enough.

Basically that beer tasted like a lot of boutique beers. And does beer really need to come in a box? A box for a bottle that holds 2.8 standard drinks?! It seems a little unneccessary. 

But maybe I wasn't doing it right. Maybe I should have been drinking it with some challenging food.

It was nice. Don't get me wrong. But mind blowing? Really, it was just a beer. Still, I would do anything, ANYTHING to get to eat the food of Ferran Adria. So all I have learnt from this experience is that I probably won't spend $9 on a box of beer again. Maybe once more just to check. And then probably not again. Probably.