It's all easy guys

Today L-Bomb cane over for lunch and I made Gwyneth Paltrow's Easy Tomato soup. It is easy and it's very yummy in that simple tomato soup way. It was a real win for me because I had no time and little food in the house. And if I learnt anything on Instagram this morning it's that Gwynny just loves a simple recipe. Check out this smoothie recipe from this morning. 

Standard GP. 

Yep sounds about right. 

 Ok.

Is that a kind of yoga?

Cyclops?

Ummmmmm... 

He said what now?

Wtf?

Et voila!

See, simple!

Supplements saga

For the last few weeks the GOOP Instagram has been saying things like "Feeling effing exhausted? Sign up to be the first to hear about GOOP Wellness!" And of course yes! Whenever I see that I am feeling effing exhausted and because I don't want to be so tired I kept almost signing up until I remembered: a) whatever GOOP Wellness would be I couldn't afford it; b) it would be a crock of shit; and c) I'd find out about it on Instagram probably mere moments after those who'd signed up at their urging. Sure enough last Thursday, Instagram revealed that for a mere $90 for a month's worth of tablets I could feel thin OR less anxious OR less tired OR less stressed. But not all of those things unless I want to pay $360 a month because all those feelings come in different doctor-designed tablets. It may be worth I though because you'd possibly look like this: 

Or at least feel that smug. But despite thinking it's all a crock I also want to buy these supplements because I do want to be less tired, more thin, manage everything, feel better. On reflection though I think that rather than having Gwyneth's supplements I'd be better off with her bank balance because I'm pretty sure that having a nanny and a personal assistant and therefore the time to do Tracy Anderson Method five times a week I would probably feel thinner and less tired and manage everything better (via my personal assistant). Not that you need riches to achieve these things but if we're looking for quick fixes it seems like a good one. And nobody ever got rich by buying $90 supplements. So go screw Goop Wellness.

Haiku Thursday (PM)

J deserves the best

Last week she baked croissants. Yum.

Ice cream this week, mate? 

Just jokes. Not really.

Ha ha! Of course it's just jokes.

And yet, not really. 

I still remember

Cinnamon ice cream, sandwiched

Between gingerbread.

Haiku Thursday (AM)

In praise of K

In a loaned esky 

At Easter I found Hemsworth 

The best one too, Chris

But birthday gifting

More delicate, difficult

It's not all easy

Here lies gwyneth 

Loathed and loved, I'd never buy

But own this? Yes please

Why I oughtta...(PM)

I feel bad that J spent so long on GOOP, and therefore had to feel all the annoyance she so plainly, and rightly, felt. I feel like I am partly to blame for this. GOOP is mostly to blame, but I am partly to blame. I'm sorry Mate.

To pick up on GOOP's point though, I know what it's like to have the 'once in a lifetime pleasure that should be both commemorated and maximised...blah blah blah' because in 2011, I went to NYC with my Mum! I haven't read GOOP's idea of what mothers and daughters should do in NYC but I assume it's this. And she is right. What a magical time that was. We spent the days sightseeing and getting on each others nerves before having an afternooner at 5pm each day. So in so far as GOOP's itinerary involves those things, then she's spot on.


But speaking of annoying celebrity sites, how about we talk about PRESERVE,  Serena Van Der Woodsen's site in which she brings us "Expensive stuff. Inexpensive stuff. And everything in between. But their value, is up to you. We may romanticise it, calling it treasure. What we're really saying is we see worth on every level."
Spew.

The slogan says PRESERVE is about "the stories and creations of artisans". Talk about completely fucking baffling. If those Gossip Girls had spent a little less time on the steps of the Met and a little more time in the classroom, they would know that the term artisan probably doesn't apply to the output of whatever factory produced this amazingly unique stripey top, yours for a mere $135 on PRESERVE. 

Why I oughta... (AM)

Ugh, I'm sorry 

K sometimes suggests that I am the more sensible of the two of us. I think she may mean I'm more pragmatic. Or something. It's hard to put a finger on. It's like how I would never go see a film like Eat, Pray, Love because I can't stand Julia Roberts and the thought of her playing a woman on a journey of self discovery makes me want to vomit. Eating and getting spiritual and finding love, gross me the fuck out. I'm just assuming those things happen in that movie. Of course I've never seen it. Ask K though, she's seen it. Even though she also can't stand Julia Roberts and would claim that a Hollywood film about woman on a journey of self discovery is enough to make her want to puke too. Because K is more into that full emotional journey I think. Or something. Like I said, it's hard to put a finger on.

For similar reasons, K is a frequent visitor to the GOOP and I am not. You may think I am, given it was only 3 months ago I was complaining about Gwynny's douching regimen. But that was the last time I visited GOOP. Until this weekend. Do you people know what is happening on that website?!?!? Things like this: "Mother Daughter itineraries in Paris & New York" And I'm not even talking about the grammar and punctuation issues. "A mother/daughter weekend in one of the greatest cities on earth is one of those once-in-a-lifetime pleasures that should be both commemorated and maximized by the best of each spot." Seriously, who the fuck is this article for?! Just the concept is enough to make me think watching Eat, Pray, Love would be a great alternative to looking at my computer.

But what, you don't have a daughter you can take to Paris or New York? Don't worry, the Goopsters have something for everyone. Like "13 interior design tips from Kara Mann that make a big impact." Everyone needs home decorating tips, right? There are some great ones here, like "stray from the standard bathroom mirror and sconce combination." God, she is so right, the old bathroom sconce and mirror combo is killing bathrooms. Also, "double up on function, a dining room does double duty as a library by stacking books on the table when not in use." Well that's a swell suggestion Kara, I'd fucking love to put those stacks of books on the floor every night, spill a bowl of pasta as I'm trying to set the goddamn table. Sounds great. But if you listen to tip number 5 you won't have that problem. "Edit. Simple stacks of books mixed in with a carefully curated collection add interest without adding clutter." This under a photo of a huge bookshelf without about 10 books and 7 ceramic pieces. Because who needs to read anyway.

Don't think you can apply these styling tips to your home? Maybe you are more of a "design-minded person with a dog". Great! Why don't you buy the $100 dog collar they recommend. Oh, I guess because that would be fucking idiotic and maybe if you have that kind of cash to spend on dog collars you could just donate it to UNHCR instead. Or one of the organisations GOOP supports because "GOOP has a big heart" and if you scroll all the way down to the bottom of a page on GOOP and read  the site map right down the very bottom, well just above UNSUBSCRIBE, you will see a button to take you to a page to tell you that maybe donating money is ok too. GOOP supports four charities and if you would like to be more GOOPY than ever you could donate to those charities. If you bother to think about it and look for that page which is weirdly not very prominent unlike the "SHOP" link which is the first link on the GOOP homepage and also PINK as opposed to the black of all the others, just to help you find it.

Wow. I'm sorry. I did not expect this to go so far. I have no idea what just happened. What is wrong with me? Why am I hating on GOOP so hard? Well, I guess it's pretty self explanatory. Let's hope that I have finally learnt my lesson and I do not head back there so soon. But if this means one less of you have to suffer as I suffered reading GOOP, this has not been in vain.

What a douche (PM)

I'm glad we're talking about this, because I saw an article on The Age the other day about Gwyneth steam cleaning her vagina and I wanted to know what it said without having to read it.

And now I know! What a relief. Of course it's pretty much exactly as I thought. Gwyneth Paltrow is steam cleaning her vagina.

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when Gwyneth and her editorial team sat around talking about whether the world is ready to hear about this. I bet someone at some point would have called her brave. 

How terribly terribly annoying. And stupid. Water in your vagina influencing your hormones? Please. What mumbo jumbo. 

But I'm quite enjoying talking about it!

What a douche (AM)

With the possible exception of Pickle, I think we can all agree that whatever else you think of Gwyneth Paltrow she has a pretty annoying side. The useless offerings on her website of vacation destinations ("Here’s the plan: Get everyone you know and love together, fly into Manzanillo, make the 90-minute trek to Costalegre where you’ll find the Chamela-Ciuxmala Biosphere Reserve..."), fashion (the GOOP "last minute winter coat guide" included Givenchy and Stella McCartney and nothing under a thousand bucks) and how to organise your wardrobe (a walk-in one helps) are enough to make me vomit. To be fair to Gwyneth she doesn't write most of that stuff on her website but it's her website, so you know. Her wholesome macrobiotic, green-juice cleanse life, accounts of wine-drinking with her soon-to-be-ex husband, he of the most vomit-inducing band of the millennium, oh it is all too much for me. Her pretty smile, lovely blonde hair, casual style, I guess both repelled and attracted me. I don't think she's a bad actress and sometimes enjoy watching her, but on balance I have to say I do not like her. 

But recently something happened to test me, I watched her on Jimmy Fallon. I watched it especially to see if she was as annoying as I thought she'd be, and you know what? I didn't hate her. I didn't love her. No, nothing like that at all, but I definitely didn't hate her. She seemed far less annoying than many other people I've seen on talk shows. When I watched Drew Barrymore on Jimmy Fallon I didn't find her endearing at all, though I expected to. Fallon is not a very good interviewer, I don't think he necessarily brings out anything special from his guests but there Gwyneth was being moderately likeable. Boy was I confused and a little confronted. 

Then a few days ago I got an email, I know in fact it was from my mum, but it arrived from my dad's account, there next to Dad's name was the subject line "Gwyneth Paltrow advises women to 'steam-clean' their vaginas". Hahahahhaahah. And with that the status quo was restored. Apparently Gwyenth, whose name was above this piece published on GOOP, likes to sit on a jet of steam to clean out her vagina and uterus. I guess I just feel like this sounds like ... a total crock of shit. But don't just take it from me, listen to Gwynny, "It is an energetic release that balances female hormone levels." Ummmmm, yep no doubt that is a crock of shit. The Guardian website has a couple of interesting articles on this steaming malarkey, one for it and one rational one. Read them if you like! Well, Gwyneth, with your zillions of dollars I'm sure you have to invent new ways to spend it and new ways of demonstrating how cleansed and zen you are and I guess a vaginal steam clean can help on both those counts, it helps me too, it helps me realise how justified I've been thinking you're a loser. Thanks, Gwyneth, I guess we both win!

The clean dream (AM)

Me* in my jeans and jumper

As if having one's wardrobe dictated by weather conditions isn't difficult enough, breastfeeding adds another confounding factor. Add to that a nonexistent social life and it's a wonder I'm ever in anything but a button-front muumuu. (I wish! I'd flipping love a button-front muumuu.) But despite needing to wear warm clothes with easy access to my boobs and nowhere to go, I'm thinking about clothes a lot. All I wear is jeans and jumpers. Jeans and jumpers. Both of which I probably have enough of to cater for my home-bound lifestyle and yet. And yet...

Recently though something hit me. It was Baby. That kid is always running into me or whacking me for some reason or another.  But something else hit me too, this desire for new clothes it's not just a desire for new clothes. And it's not just a desire for the hot new life you imagine those clothes will bring you. I mean obviously I know my desire for new clothes is about filling some deep void within me. But that's not what I'm talking about. It's also about a desire for sharp grooming. Cleanliness. 

The other day I tried on a pair of jeans and a jumper at a shop. It was a cute kit, I liked it a lot, the cut and colour of the jeans and jumper but I knew it was not dissimilar to all I had at home when suddenly I realised the difference. They were so fresh, so clean. The jeans not faded or worn at the knees or other bulgy bits that stress the fabric. The sweater was totally pill-free. I looked so goddamn fresh. That's what happens when you try on new clothes. They are clean, fresh, better than all your other clothes. No wonder I want them all the time. No wonder we all do. 

But that change room revelation was great! It's given me power to say no. Oh sure I'm going to buy clothes again that I don't need but it's just one more tool in my arsenal of resistance and that is OK by me!

*Here I am played by GOOP

Life Lessons (PM)

Lil'Sis is still young, that's her fault, there's so much she has to go through. 
But I guess it's true. Middle aged men of the silver screen are all the same to a teenage girl.
As if we would ever have differentiated between, say James Caan and George Segal when we were little. No way no how.

 

Just quickly, I wish James Caan spelled his name Jame Carn'. That would be great!


Of course, all bets are off when it comes to these guys.
I don't care when a lady comes of age. That these men are hunks is as plain as the nose on your face.

Life leassons (AM)

This weekend Pickle and I had a joint birthday party. It was a little early for me, but whaddya gonna do when you wanna share a party with someone? It was really fun. Thanks everyone!

The first time we shared a birthday party we used something like this image:

It was a great party, a great invite, and I felt like we cast ourselves perfectly as Laverne and Shirley. It was hard to think of who should represent us this year, but after some consideration I think we chose the perfect couple:

Then, not now that they hate each other. (What happened Gwyno?!) When we came up with the invite I was really happy with it and that day I had lunch with LB and his youngest sister. She is 15. I was telling them about the invite, giving Lil'Sis some background on the invites, mentioned we'd used a pic of Laverne and Shirley in the past. "Am I supposed to know who that is?" She asked. Fair 'nuff. I mean, reruns aren't what they used to be. Schemeel, schlemazel!

So, I moved on, started talking about Gwyno, about how they were BFFs until they busted up, about how Ben Affleck was dating Gwyneth and Matt Damon had been dating Wino. And I could see Lil'Sis's eyes glaze over and it started to occur to me she mightn't even know who Winona Rider was. And then she said something that, more than anything that has been said in the 10 years I have known her, highlighted the age difference. And you realise I have known her since she was 5. She said to me, "I always get Ben Affleck and Matt Damon and that other guy... who is that other guy?...Leonardo Dicaprio... I always get those guys confused."


!!!!!


?????


!!!!!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO! MATT DAMON! BEN AFFLECK! How could she? I mean, hello, has she seen Romeo and Juliet?!? To me it is almost unfathomable that, these men, hunks of my youth could be confused. And then, it occurred to me that to her these guys aren't hunks. Never have been. They are just some middle aged actors. She is just confusing a bunch of middle aged actors and I guess that makes perfect sense. I mean, she is a teenager. Oh lordy. And these aren't even hunks you would see me thinking twice about usually (though I do have a soft spot for Matt Damon. And I guess Leonardo has a certain je ne sais quoi. Also Ben Affleck looked handsome with that beard recently. But I digress) but they are just hunks I grew up with I guess and I have a very clear idea of them all. And now...well now I've just realised how finite things are. You know?! How we live in the past. We think we're teaching the kids, but really it's them that teach us.

I would post a picture of Taylor Lautner here in case any kids dropped by, but he is probably passe anyway.

I am not buying it (AM)

You know, I can't help but think that I if I was  a big business spending my big bucks on advertising, I would maybe feel ripped off.

Carlton Football Club campaign

Nikon campaign

FCUK campaign

Keep a Child Alive campaign

Also, I can't help but feel that Goop might actually not be African.

Return to GOOP (PM)

Mate, thank god you wrote this post! Because after having The Royal Tenenbaums play silently in the background of band practice last weekend, I almost started liking the GOOP! Thank god things are back to normal now. (I still want to dress in tennis dresses but what else is new?) I like the bit about the tray that says this: Alexandra von Furstenberg has made this special laser etched acrylic tray especially for goop.

HAHAHAHA. Oh, oh god GOOP. Get a real name!

For those of you with any doubt about how gross the GOOP is, here she is in her jeans:

And here are the actual jeans:

Eeeew. Gross me the fuck out.

It's almost like she wants her disciples to look fugly so that she can be the fairest of them all. What the hell is wrong with you GOOP. Being pretty and rich and famous and popular isn't enough for you?

But K is right, we don't want to end the week on a sour note. So I give you Flo Rider! As horrible and stupid as GOOP but heaps more funny!

Return to GOOP (AM)

While Miss Soft Crab usually likes to end the week on a positive note, I'm not sure that's going to be possible today. You see, in addition to getting around with a bunch of orchids in her hair, Gwyneth Paltrow has just relaunched her GOOP website.  It is no longer merely a weekly e-newsletter full of expensive and useless shit that she likes, but is now a "lifestyle company curated by Gwyneth Paltrow". Are you thinking what I'm thinking, readers?
If you are thinking something along the lines of :
Fuck off
Get your hand off it Paltrow
No seriously, fuck off
then yes, you are indeed thinking what I'm thinking. But due to Miss Soft Crab's long-term interest in bagging GOOP, I think it might be time to check in and see what's new for us to roll our crabby eyes at. It's time to return to GOOP!

Readers, you will be delighted to learn that GOOP still holds fast to its "buy this $100 candle" and "go on this detox" bullshit roots . But now there's more! GOOP 2.0 also contains a bunch of:

"exclusive limited edition GOOP collaborations for the wardrobe and the home  - foundation pieces for you to build upon with your own personal style".

Quite.

Lets have a look at one of these exclusive limited edition collaborations, shall we?

Presenting, "the GOOP tee". Not t-shirt, mind you. Just "tee".

Um, gee GOOP, that looks an awful lot like a white t-shirt to me. A white t-shirt you are selling on your website for $90. I'm struggling to find what's so GOOPy about this. And why I should spend a pineapple and two lobsters on it.









There's also this, the GOOP bikini, which looks a lot like the kind of thing you see wrapped around a ham come christmas time. All yours for a tidy $150.

There's also a pair of GOOP jeans and, my personal favourite, the GOOP tray, which I  am not posting here because it really must be seen in situ to be believed. Be sure to scroll down so you can see GOOP in her 'office' doing some 'work'. 

Apparently the tray can go to the office for "an elegant display" or be the centrepiece of a living room. 

Really GOOP? You want a tray to be the centrepiece of your living room? What a shit living room that would be! And for $270, if you don't mind, thank you very much!

I think GOOP's gone mental. 

Don't believe the GOOP

Gosh, it is so lucky you have me to save you from yourself and the lure of GOOP.

Mate, you must learn to distinguish what you see from the GOOP herself. Yes, her yellow hair, shiny smile and clear skin make her look clean and lovely, but those are just features. They could be on anyone.

Of course the hair and makeup situation looks appealing. Someone else to do your grooming! Forget about it! As if you wouldn't want that!

These are just things, they are not GOOP. You must learn to divorce one from the other.

How am I so wise, you may ask. Well I guess I went through something kind of similar to this when I was younger. You know that Buffy The Vampire Slayer is one of my all time favourite shows but I never liked Buffy herself much. Then one day, I guess when Willow started moving towards evil Willow, I started to like Buffy. Maybe it had something to do with her doing it with Spike. Chickpea hypothesised it was about Sarah Michelle Gellar getting kind of anorexic and more attractive. Who can say what it was. Anyway, once this changed I kind of fell in love with SMG. I’d see pictures of her with Freddie Prinze Jr and I would be totally in love with her. Kind of want to be her. I was so confused.

But then one day I realised I didn’t love SMG and I sure didn’t want to be her. It’s just that she was always in California and lit by that beautiful Cali sunshine, always tanned and well groomed. That was all. I was just being tricked. I felt so freed when I realised.

You must see past the GOOP mate, to what is actually attracting you!

I don't know what to feel anymore

A little while ago, J and I bagged the shit out of GOOP. The lady and the website. 
You can refresh your memories here, here and then again here and here (kind of). The upshot of all our GOOP themed posting was that she is really UGH and she should keep it to herself.

While I would love to be the kind of person who can just identify UGHness and then move on, I am not that person at all. I am more the type who likes to revisit something I find UGH again and again so I can go UGH whenever I feel like it. It’s a nice stress reliever for me. That’s why I found myself reading every last word of GOOP’s recent newsletter about her trip to the Venice Film Festival. I guess I just wanted to get some UGH out of my system and I knew that GOOP was a sure bet to let me do that. But you know what happened? I kind of found it enjoyable. I feel really weird about it. The strange feelings began with the image of her sitting around playing on her computer.

Normally, I would think ‘UGH GOOP. You think you are so great with your long unkempt hair and your casual jeans! Like a real woman of the people! As if GOOP!”

Instead I thought:

“Yellow hair is pretty. So clean.”

Later there is a picture of her getting ready.

Normally I would have thought: “Oh for pete’s sake GOOP. You think showing how many people it takes to make you pretty is going to make us feel better? Forget you!”

Instead I thought
“I want to go to there.”

It was very confusing for me.

Of course, I went UGH for the whole rest of the newsletter, especially the bits where she is talking about Matt Damon, but just calling him Matt, and the bit where she says she found a bunch of nice jewelery, but apparently needs a sugardaddy so she can buy it. In those bits I was UGHing like I aint ever UGHed before.

But the fact that I enjoyed even some of it is very concerning, and makes me feel like I am going soft.  

If I were Jay-Z

I'm afraid that this is the closest I can get to being Jay-Z.
I love your album, BTW.

J: MISS SOFT CRAB is incredible—aesthetically, culturally … When did you get the idea to start it and how long have you been working on it?

K: Great question Mate, what do you base your answer on? Well, as you know, I’ve been spending half my working day emailing you for years now, and I guess I started to feel like it was getting pretty ridiculous, and I should probably start making more of an effort to do more work. But how to do enough work to respect myself while also maintaining the delightful to and fro of ideas that I have enjoyed with you for so long? What happens when I have something to say about foods, about things that have happened, or about gentlemens? What happens when YOU have something to say about these things? It took a pretty long time to figure out that maybe we should write a bloggy, but once we did Miss Soft Crab was born.

J: I love seeing everything through your filter, how do you decide what you are going to cover? How personal is this?

K: I don’t understand this business about my filter. Is a filter a thing that I have, like a gallbladder? If so, I feel weird about people looking at ‘everything’ through it. Get your own filter people! Plus, here at MSC we don’t talk about everything, we just talk about some things. We decide on those things based on the fact that that’s the stuff we talk about all the time. We talk about those things over and over. To say that we talk about everything is really overstating it.

J: As someone who has walked through museums with you, eaten with you, heard music with you, I know firsthand how creativity in all areas lifts your consciousness. Do you feel that as a cultural figure of importance it is part of your responsibility to share what inspires you?

K: Totes. People need to hear about what I have eaten, what is going on with my friends, how I feel about Marky Mark and other hunks. They need to hear about this because I am really special – fact, not opinion. It’s my responsibility to share the specialness, share my thoughts about things. If you expect me to shirk this responsibility then you are going to be majorly disappointed.

J: In one word answers, name someone or something in food, music, art and design, style, and sports that inspires you today and your favorite spot to be leisurely.

K:

• Food: OASIS BAKERY. I liked it how they knew that even though felafel wraps are a great meal, sometimes you need chips to go with them. But mainly I loved that hot sauce that tasted like what would happen if chilli and vinegar spent a beautiful night together and had a baby.

• Music: MUPPETS. I like how they sing everything they think and feel. And I like how they move their arms around when they dance. They pretty much have only one dance move, which I relate to.
• Art: Oh come on Mate, give a girl a break. I like all the stuff I am supposed to like, OK? Lets just leave it at that.
• Style: WELL DRESSED OLD LADIES. Those well groomed ones you see in groups in the city sometimes. I love those ladies and I want them to teach me how to look nice.
• Sports: I like these guys.

• And my favorite spot to be leisurely is everywhere, all the time. Naturally.

J: You are the coolest (wo) man on Earth, how the f did you get like that?

K: I try really hard all the time, and I copy other people who seem like they are cool. That’s how. Oh, and if you want to be cool like me, you should probably have said ‘how the fuck’ instead of ‘how the f’. People think swearing is really cool.

If I were GOOP...

Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow emailed Jay-Z and said, “I love your new site. Can I ask you five questions about it?” Jay-Z said, “I’ll show you mine if you let me see yours.” And the whole affair was pretty nauseating. We decided to do a fuckyoute tribute and answer their questions ourselves.

KK: The public at large is discovering your ability to sing. When did you first discover you had that talent?

J: Are they? My mother has a terrible voice but was always singing around the house, so god knows where my brother and sister and I got our musicality from. I’ve pretty much always known I had this awesome ability to sing. I always thought that somewhere down the line I would dust off my pipes and use them. I haven’t. But yeah, I guess it was pretty great when karaoke became a normal thing to do. I felt happy that I could share my gift with other people. What I don’t really understand is why GOOP sang at Royal Albert Hall with Jay-Z when I don't get invited to sing anywhere! That was a surprise to me as much as anybody else. .

KK: Personally I was very surprised at your extensive knowledge of hip-hop songs. Particularly how you can sing ’90s hip-hip songs word for word. I can’t even do that! How does a girl from Wesley discover hip-hop?

J: Well, like GOOP and every other white girl over 30 I first was exposed to hip-hop when I was a kid in the late 80s. There was the Beastie Boys, Public Enemy, Run-DMC, LL Cool J, N.W.A . Frankly I don’t understand why you think it's a big deal, let alone why Jay-Z thinks it is a big deal, to know the lyrics to some ‘90s hip hop. Listen to some hip-hop Jay-Z. Sheesh.

KK: Does that extend to pop and rock music as well? Did you do the whole lace gloves circa Madonna and flannel shirts in the ’90s circa Kurt?

JL: Yes.

KK: Speed round: Miles or Coltrane?

JL: Pah, jazz, who gives a shit.I can just imagine GOOP and Jay-Z sitting around listening to Miles Davis together. So gross.

KK: The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?

JL: Beatles

KK: Patsy Cline or Billie Holiday?

JL: Groan, Paltrow thinks she is so good loving all that black music. I’m not afraid to say Patsy. I think Billie is so great, but I love this song so much.

KK: Biggie or PAC?

JL: Biggie. Of course.

KK: Michael or Prince?

JL: Prince. It pains me that GOOP and I have so many of the same answers.

KK: And finally, would you ever make a solo album?

JL: God! YES PLEASE! Mate, I have never, ever wished you were anyone but you, but right now I really wish you were Jay-Z so you could produce my solo album. I’m totally covering that Patsy Cline song on it. God, what else is going to be on it...I guess ‘I think I love you’. And Purple Rain. A 25 minute extended mega mix. My album would be so much better than GOOP by GOOP.

You make me want to GOOP

Oh, Mate. Can I just say that today has been such an annoying day and GOOP and Jay-Z have done nothing to help. NOTHING! Why they gotta be so annoying? GROAN times infinity. Mate, I guess Jay-Z may well be a dickhead. Just because he sounds dope and his wife has that beautiful charming smile, I guess maybe it doesn't mean what we would like it to mean. It feels bad though, doesn't it? With GOOP at least you know what you are getting. This annoying little princess. I, as you know am only a casual GOOP reader. It's the difference between you and me. You will subject yourself to films like Eat, Love, Pray, whereas I'd rather stick hot blacksmith tools, pokers I mean, in my eyes. So I only read GOOP occasionally, rather than subscribe. But I guess when I do read it I get some sort of sick enjoyment out of it. So perhaps I am finally beginning to understand you.

So this is what is ridiculous about that GOOP post. She is GOOP, for god sakes! GOOP! Why she gotta tell the world, "ooh, I'm besties with Jay Z." Is that what she thinks we wanna hear? We know who you are GOOP. Keep it to yourself.

You know the other day I was on Amazon and Amazon is always all, "Hey buy these cookbooks you little cookbook buyer." And I was all, "Chut up Amazon, let me just casually browse your cyberpages." Until Amazon told me I might like this. And I thought, "No I wouldn't, but K might." And I was totally about to buy it for you until I read about it and it was all, "cooking with and for your family, blah blah, goop goop, it's so great, I'm mother earth." And I thought maybe it was insensitive to buy such a book for a single lady and I wished Beyonce would write a cookbook. BAM.