History sure is cool

K was right yesterday. History is amazing. All those many, many thousands of years people have been getting by. They didn't have Netflix or showers but it was ok because they didn't even know about Netflix or showers. But some things would have sucked. Like the possibility you could get chucked in a peat bog. To think about human history is pretty amazing. But history goes back further than that. How about dinosaurs. When I stop to think about the fact that they actually existed and aren't just a creation to fill sci-fi movies and cover children's pyjamas my tiny mind is always blown. And what about before that?! First there were just tiny organisms and they evolved into all the things that have ever been on the earth. What!?!?

I don't just get this feeling of awe and delight when I think about the entire history of the world though. I also have it when I see a giraffe and then think about them in the wild. What a crazy creature.

Remembering stuff (AM)

I have memories in my brain that seem so improbable I sometimes wonder if they are real. Like once K and I were at the pub for a friend's 21st and this guy we had just met who seemed like a bit of a dick went to the supermarket to get a snack and came back eating a capsicum. Just chomping on a capsicum like it is was an apple. Really?! I mean that guy was just a bit of a dick and I guess he liked eating capsicum. It happened. But really?!

Another time K and I were hanging out on the roof of my old apartment building one night and the moon just appeared to fall out of the sky behind the horizon. We both saw it, we weren't high and we don't know what the eff happened. But it happened.

And once when LB and I were on holiday in Japan, at the end of a day at Ueno zoo we saw a huge bird waddle out of a little house in an enclosure, eat some food and waddle back with the zoo keeper as if they were best buds.

This is a picture I stole off the internet but it totally represents what I saw that day

Despite Tokyo being full of tourists the signs at the zoo were mainly in Japanese with just random ones being translated into English. And because it was right at the end of our trip to Japan and at the end of our day at the zoo I couldn't take any photos because my memory card was full. That zoo has a really amazing array of animals and a fantastic bird collection including puffins and flamingos and vultures. But the enclosures are pretty depressing for the most part and the day was somewhat conflicted. And then right at the end we walked past an enclosure with no idea what was meant to be in there and that's when the zoo keeper emerged with his grey, feathered friend that was about three quarters his height.

The way that the bird and man emerged together and the funny waddle of the bird made him seem so human somehow. Or rather, like an anthropomorphised cartoon bird. Even at the time I remember wondering what the fuck I was watching and if that bird wasn't a guy in a suit. If that bird was for real. For years I actually did kind of question the experience and then one day I found out what that bird was. I don't know if LB somehow knew or I saw a picture or maybe I did a search on birds at Ueno zoo, but one day I just knew that what I'd seen was a shoebill.

Here are some pictures I found on the internet. When I saw them I knew that even the cartoonishness of the bird in my memory was legit.

Guys, doesn't nature just blow your mind?! I mean look at that face! If you have never seen one of these in real life I can not recommend a trip to Tokyo highly enough.

Holiday Day 12 - final day (AM)

Holidays are great aren't they?! All kinds, but I'm at the end of enjoying the kind of holiday where you basically do nothing. Oh we went to Wet 'n' Wild one day and we've driven about 900km, but most days were characterised by a morning at the beach and an afternoon in the pool. Or sometimes vice versa. There has been a lot of ice cream eaten, lots of fruit and some chips. It's been really great and super relaxing. On holidays I think you probably enjoy being away from work but the highlight is being away from the rest of the drudgery. Cleaning the house, grocery shopping, tending to whatever boring shit you have to do in real life which I can't identify here because I don't know exactly what it is, but I know there is heaps of it. 

Although you still have to tidy and eat on holiday the impermanence of it makes all chores far less overwhelming. If you eff it up or skip it one day you can sort it out the next. And even if you don't sort it out you'll be leaving soon enough. That has really been the joy of this holiday. Just enjoying the things I'm doing and the adorable people in with without those boring-ass distractions. 

The weather has been great too, sunny, warm but not too hot. We've seen heaps of greenery, you know in nature, plus a couple of whales, a pod of dolphins,a wallaby, both black and white cockatoos, kookaburras, lizards galore and one morning we had a buffet breakfast.

Holidays really are great. Funny then that I cannot wait to get home tonight. I really can't wait. 

 

Upstairs Neighbours (PM)

I used to live in a flat on the first floor which meant I both had upstairs neighbours and was an upstairs neighbour. I actually remember nothing about the upstairs neighbors, I guess they were quiet. Plus, those flats had carpet which I guess helped. I definitely remember the downstairs neighbours, among whom lived a liturgical dancer of soft mannerisms and who, a Google search has led me to believe, may now be a woman, though as my neighbour s/he was a man. Those neighbours, rightly, complained when they found cigarette butts on their balcony. Now, I can't imagine anyone in our flat being so jerky they would throw cigarette butts down from the balcony. I guess it was an accident. Or it was the almost unbearable friends of the almost forgotten flat mate. Or it is the kind of shit which you don't think about when you are 20.

Which may explain the behaviour of the birds, Mate. Just young and careless.

Right now my only upstairs neighbours are possums. Like the birds they seem to  make a noise completely disproportionate to their size. As if they are dragging human bodies around the roof cavity. Just to be on the safe side, I do not fuck with those possums.

Upstairs Neighbours (AM)

My flat is on the top floor, which is good because it means I don't have to deal with the sound of upstairs neighbours. I'm told that this is an issue with ground floor flats, the sound travels down from above and it can be quite disruptive. You hear them walking, you hear them talking, you hear them making love to their boyfriends and girlfriends (eww...making love....J is going to hate reading that...sorry).

I've been pretty lucky really with my top floor life so far. And I guess I should have taken the time to stop and smell the roses so to speak because now a family of birds are nesting on my roof and the party is over, it is OVER.

I first noticed the sounds of gently rummaging a few months ago and thought, oh, how cute, some little birdy is on my roof. Then I would hear a little bit of chirping from time to time and again I thought it was cute.

I pictured something like this was going on:

A couple of little scamps having a nice time up there.

Heh,  here's an amusing aside. When I searched 'rainbow lorikeet' to find that photo, google suggested 'rainbow lorikeet diet'. I wonder whether there is some hot new diet where one eats like a rainbow lorikeet and drops the kilos just in time for summer. Or maybe you eat nothing but rainbow lorikeets and drop five kilos just in time for summer.

Anyway, as the days and weeks have passed, what was once gentle rummaging has turned in to what sounds like a birdy frat house. Those little bastards make a hell of a racket. First of all, there seems to be lots more of them. And they chirp a lot. And they run across the roof a lot and though their talons may be small, they are very noisy.  And what's with all the running. They have wings and the power of flight and it's a real slap in the face to know that they are just throwing it all away.
Also, they are active between the hours of 5 and 9am. They're working 5 to 9 and it is no way to make a living, believe you me.

Now I picture them like this:

And I want them to go away!

What an awesome way to live (PM)

Who know's why people say the things they say. That's something the character of Adriana said on an episode of The Sopranos I watched last night....and I think it applies here today. While that woman definitely sounds stupid, maybe she just loves land so damned much that she can't imagine the semi-aquatic life being satisfying. Anyway. Like Adriana said, who knows why she said that really stupid thing? I shouldn't waste my time trying to figure it out.  Her loss. Being a land and water beast - having a bit each way -  would be the best way to live and that's all there is to it. 

And while I don't want to take anything away from the hippo, I was watching a David Attenborough show last night and discovered that the iguana can hold its breath under water for an hour. 

An hour!

Incredible. 

The spirits are whispering to one of these iguanas. 

What an aesome way to live (AM)

Not actual hippo from Werribee Zoo

From what I can tell hippopotamuses are pretty cool. Yesterday I went to Werribee Zoo. It is a pretty cool zoo. You walk in and there, right in front of you, is an expanse of green and some gorillas just chilling. They are in an enclosure but it is designed in this great way so they feel right there. We saw lions ripping cow ribs from a cardboard box, giraffes frolicking in the faux savanna, an ostrich stuck his head in the bus and we saw some hippopotamuses. Eventually.

When we went to the hippo enclosure you couldn't really see anything. And then these eyes bobbed above the water. Later a whole head.

Hippos are semi-aquatic, they can hold their breath under water for 6 minutes.They spend all day in the water to keep cool then get out when it cooled down to eat. While we were watching the water to see these awesome dudes pop their heads up the woman next me said to her companion, "It's a pretty stupid way to live, really." Um, what?! Oh lordy! It is this kind of statement that makes me hate strangers. And I don't want to hate anyone, strangers or acquaintances, and yet sometimes I have no choice. Thanks a lot lady. Way to ruin my day.

So being able to live on land, but also essentially live in water is stupid? If you ask me it would be the motherflipping best way to live. The only way you could improve on that is to add wings, but there ain't no way a hippo gonna fly. Have you seen the size of those things?! Imagine living like a hippo. Sure, they may not have all the mod cons that we enjoy but they have it pretty sweet. Enjoy a refreshing dip all day long. Plus they are huge and super territorial so they are tough. And they can run fast, up to 30 miles an hour.

Did I mention that the hippos we saw were completely submerged. Completely! It was awesome, these huge animals hiding underwater! Just chilling. Literally. (HA!) That stupid lady next to me is the one living the stupid way, what with all her stupidity.

Didn't take long to find out.... (PM)

Oh, brother. And people are worried about the state of education in this country.

It just so happens that last night I watched a program in which Ewan McGregor went into remote areas of the Congo on a child-vaccinating mission. Perhaps he could turn his attention homeward and help vaccinate his people against stupidity. 

Didn't take long to find out.... (AM)

Just like the Guardian's film editors, I think the fewer words spoken about this, the better. But be sure to watch it with the sound on.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/video/2013/mar/04/walrus-spotted-north-scotland-video

A few phone calls, a bit of research...and the fact that it looks exactly like a mother flipping walrus, but never mind that.

Gifts from the Internet (AM)

I have to write a report for work this week. It's a slow and painful process and sometimes it makes me want to smack my head against the keyboard, sometimes cry, sometimes throw up. Mostly, it just makes me want to look at stuff on the internet, and then feel guilty for looking up stuff on the internet.
To make me feel less guilty for all the things I've been looking at on the internet, I am going to show you guys some of the things I have been looking at on the internet. Don't worry, this will only take a minute.

I like this thing.  I find the way the dog looks at the camera at 15 seconds extremely hilarious, and then the kiwi guy towards the end. But it's the suave canine that really speaks to me.

I also found this kind of interesting. Efficient. Takes the awkwardness out of it.

This I find hilarious because I spook easily and can totally relate, but also find people falling over extremely funny, even when they are not people but raccoons.

But this Tasmanian Devil is currently my favourite thing on the internet.

Honestly, have you ever seen anything so lovely? Certainly nothing that is both as whiskery and as lovely as this guy. I hope he doesn't get the facial tumours.
Anyway. that's all I'm doing today. Hope you guys have it better than me.

Haiku Thursday (AM)

If I was a bumblebee

I

I would shove my face

In every last rose I saw.

I would love the spring. 

II

I would take short breaks.

From collecting the pollen. 

I'd perch on a leaf. 

III

There, I'd close my eyes. 

Feel the sun on my wings and 

Dream about the queen. 

Possum Magic (PM)

You gonna force feed the pill to possums, people?!? This is clearly a plan made by men. By people who have never taken a pill that didn't sit well with them, made them fat or crazy or depressed or pimply. Leave the possums alone, a-holes. I am so not surprised they are already trialling this in Curtain Square, the most uptight square in Melbourne. The place people complain about you having a dog off the lead and having fun. A-holes.

Plus, I don't know if these men know that possums can actually make themselves invisible. As long as they have a magic grandma. And unless you feed them the correct combination they will stay invisible. So, stick that in your pipe and smoke it. How you gonna get the pill in the possums if you can't see them?! HA! In the book Possum Magic the magic possum grandma makes her granddaughter invisible to hide from snakes, but I guess this could be read as a parable about the one child policy.

Possum Magic (AM)

Yesterday, The Age ran an article about how some people (the fun police!) want to put a bunch of possums on birth control because they are "destructive, costly, dirty pests". These people want to get rid of possums and think that birth control is a more humane way of controlling their numbers than wasting them.

Readers: I do not feel good about wasting possums, but I feel even worse about putting them on birth control.  Governments absolutely do not belong in the bedrooms of possums. Who are we to interfere with their fuzzy wuzzy reproductive rights? No one, that's who. 

I'll tell you what I do like, though.

The picture that ran with the story. 

Have you ever seen such a lusty marsupial in your life?  This little guy is almost literally gagging for it.
And his/her face perfectly illustrates why putting possums on birth control is a terrible idea. Possums are just going to do what comes naturally to possums, and no 28 day cycle of Brenda or Dianne or whatever they call the possum pill is going to change that. There's always going to be one little possum who forgot to take her pill that morning, or who got a tummy bug after eating some bad Lily Pilly and before you know it, bam! Baby possums. It only takes one time you guys. And that's just how it should be.
Go get em, possums!

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Some best things

Real life giraffes

So much better than cartoon

Approximations

Two bucks, five hours

Zoo parking treats you so right

Look and learn, PT

At home faux facial

With mostly Aesop samples

What a god damn treat

An afternoon nap

With winter sun on your face

Is the best, best thing

Something for everyone (PM)

Well I might as well ask the internet for pictures of animals that look like other things. 

Of course I'm going to make the internet do all the work, by using J's search technique where one starts writing "<<insert animal's name>> that look like...." and then wait to see what google wants to tell me.

May I present, Rabbits that looks like lions:

Long shot, google. 

Dogs that look like pandas:

Nice pair, crazy lady.

And finally, the cats that look like Hitler spin off, cats that look like Kim Jong Il:

This is never going to take off. 

Quite separately, I found this.

I can's stop looking at it.

Something for everyone (AM)

Today I thought I was all ready to tell you all these thoughts I have been having about Prince. Not just Prince, but music in general. But then it got kind of confronting. Like, am I really ready to talk to you about the visceral response to music, my ideas about how live music is so awesome because it makes some imagined world created by music somehow almost tangible, but also tantalisingly less tangible, and how the first time I heard 'Gett Off' my mind was totally blown. No. No way. I am totally not ready to go there. Sorry guys. (But go and watch the clip for 'Gett Off'. It's so awesome but I can't embed it.)

'But', I thought to myself, 'What am I going to write about?' So I looked around for inspiration. And found it in one of my favourite places. The Internet! Actually, I found it right here in the back end of Miss Soft Crab, specifically in the keyword search traffic sources. Firstly, you may be interested to know that not a single Ewan McGregor-related phrase was in the top ten search terms bringing people here. 'Jedward' was (thanks Eurovision) and so was 'Seal's face' (thanks The Voice). And so was 'fish that looks like a man'. I mean, geez, you talk about a fathead sculpun one time and suddenly 'fish that looks like a man' is bringing in the audience. So I thought I would see what happened when I asked Google for a 'fish that looks like a man'. I'll tell you what happened, as I started writing the Google predictive text told me that the second most searched for fish look alike, after 'fish that looks like a dog' is 'fish that looks like hitler'. No wonder. Turns out there are a heap of those little bastards out there:

Then I decided to see what other animals look like people. There are dogs that look like Snoop Dogg. Of course.

 
I also tried for pigs that look like people. But apparently people only ever ask Google to find images of 'pigs that look like sheep' and 'pigs that look like a willy'. WTF, people?!? WTF?

Finally it became quite clear that I had to see if there were any dogs that look like Ewan McGreggor. Apparently there aren't, so Google offered up this instead.

WTF? Wednesday (AM)

I had eggs for dinner last night.
I am really tired from the weekend you see.

And, I love eggs.

 

I was having the best time of it until I saw this picture on the side of the box, and became concerned:

 

That ain't no chicken!

What the hell kind of operation are these cowboys running?

 

Awesome Animals (PM)

You know, we should get Russeth to do a special guest post about Africa because it does seem like it was a swell time, and his photos are so awesome and hilarious that after I looked through every single one on facebook, I went and got a cup of tea and then looked through every single one on facebook again.

But back to the animal kingdom, surely the most awesome of all the kingdoms around. All those furry, scaley and feathery guys? Forget about it.

If we want to talk about minds being blown, I think we really should mention the Yeti crab and the Fathead Sculpin fish.

These guys totally mess with my idea of what it is to be a crab and a fish.

First, the yeti crab.

How can a crab marry elegance and ruggedness so perfectly?  If this guy was a human, I'm pretty sure he would look like Robert Redford circa Jeremiah Johnson and were he to invite me back to his cabin for a whiskey,  I would go. Even if we had just met, I would go.

Not so, should the Fathead Sculpun fish invite me back to his sea cave.

People, that is a fish. A fish that looks like a man. A really, really sad man. I can't believe that guy is swimming around somewhere, looking like that. I feel terrible for him. And I think the namers have made his situation worse by calling him Fathead Sculpin fish. Not cool, namers. You should have called them the Dough fish, or something that while evocative of their appearance, wouldn't make them hate themselves and want to look away every time they swam past a reflective surface.

Gosh, what a downer, sorry guys. Lets comfort ourselves by reconnecting with another of nature's wonders.

(Thanks Croquette, for reminding me about the Honey Badger)

Awesome Animals (AM)

In January Russeth went to Kenya to build an orphanage. You know, for kids. While he was there he also went on safari, held a goat as it was slain for dinner, and was guilted into buying some faux lion teeth from some Masai.

Africa sounds cool.

Anyway, now he is home and his pictures are on Facebook and holy moly! He saw all the cool stuff. An effing lion! A freaking elephant! A motherflipping giraffe! And so many adorable puppies.

I love animals!!! You know, you learn about animals as a kid and you think, 'yeah, they're cool.' But you just take it in your stride, you know, because you are learning all this stuff and it is all pretty cool. So then you know these things exist and you go through life taking them for granted. Then you grow up and maybe you go to the zoo or start reading about animals again and BLAMO! You get struck by how awesome they are.

Just think about all the crazy animals out there!

Giraffes.

 

Koalas.

 

 

Seriously! WTF?! Like tree-climbing wombats with opposable thumbs. Like a bear monkey with a pouch, but not!

And what about the friggin' polar bear?

 

 

Jelly fish!!

And you know how I feel about flamingos. Don't even get me started on chickens! (Seriously, don't, 'cause I'm pretty sure they will get their own whole post one day.) 

Puffins!

Everything, you guys. All the animals are the best!