Hot in 2013 (PM)

 

Am I interested in getting an Afghan?!?

Nice, Mate! Real nice. Wait until I am at my most vulnerable, having arrived home literally an hour ago after being in transit for the last 30 hours with about 5 broken hours of sleep, and then make me look at pictures of one of the most beautiful dog breeds around, a dog I have wanted for god knows how long and then suggesting maybe I should get one. Of course I am interested! Of course I am!  I wish there was one curled up in my bed right now. And I would lie down next to him, snuggle in and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzxz

 

An account of my second solo bike ride (PM)

Say, that’s a nice bike.

Although our reader, Miss Dizzy, makes some excellent points about the proud history of drug cheating in cycling and hence the appropriateness of the name Delilah, I have to say that as soon as I saw a picture of your bikey I thought she should be called Maybel. I don’t know why it just happened in my brain like that. According to a random baby names website I just looked at the name Maybel means lovable. !!!.

How good is a morning bike ride. I love the way riding a bike is fast and wheel-based but you are outside, like walking. It makes me miss the days when a home conveniently located to everything meant I rode everywhere. I should start riding to work. But I really need a new bike. But I am broke. But, hey, let’s not bring this day down. I'm gonna go eat a sandwich and forget about my troubles. WOOT!

Things that I made (PM)

Mate. That is an adorable apron. You have great sewing skills mate. I wish I had the patience, discipline and skills to sew. I have none of those things. But you do, mate. Kudos my hero. Might I also add that those are some lovely photos in your post. Am I delirious or are you just rocking the shiz right now?

Me, I'm rocking nothing. I have made nothing good lately. Except some delicious curries over the last couple of nights. Like, really good ones. I think it was the sugar I added.

I also made a good decision to watch The Mindy Project last night.

And another great decision to do the dishes before I went to bed!

Hey! I guess I've been pretty productive lately to!

I am....(PM)

Me, I have terrible moves, which is why I left the room when Kanye came on.
Normally I would dance anyway. Normally I don't care about my bad moves, I just care about kicking it. But the only reason we were at that party was because I have a mad crush on the host, and though drunk and being lured by that siren Kanye, I was lucid enough to know that dancing my truth on this occasion would be unwise.

But J looked great being SBF.

More like this, if you ask me, but super great.

I am... (AM)

On Saturday night I went to a party with K. K was literally the only person I knew there. Literally! (Well, virtually. A couple of faces were familiar from the past, but let the past be the past, right?) Some people approach life and, therefore, parties with the ol' 'a stranger is just a friend you haven't met' attitude. Me, I'm more of the ol' "a stranger is just a person I don't have to give a shit what they think about me" school, which is a liberating way to go to a party.

I had a good time on Saturday night, not least because I got to do some stupid dancing to Kanye. It wasn't really a dancing party. It was more a stand around and talk party. But then Kanye came on and I happened to be in the right room at the right time. I ate a piece of cheese and that seemed to give me the special power I needed. When 'Golddigger' came on you could not stop me from busting some of my sweetest moves. Now to say I need to be drunk, or among strangers, or high on cheese to dance my ass of would be to tell a lie. I need none of those things. Mainly I need a floor under my feet and ideally, though not necessarily, some music. But when everything aligns right, I become my alter ego.

I am Sacha Baron Fierce.

I know that you must be shocked to learn what I look like in my alter ego form. After all, K and I have been very careful not to show you our faces, but I think it is only fair that you know what I look like when I am possessed by Sacha Baron Fierce. Yes, I am very, very beautiful with brooding Jewish eyes and the sensual lips and jawline of a Nubian princess. Also, when I am Sacha Baron Fierce, I am awesome.

Oh, and I have amaaaaaazing dance moves.

Yes, yes, y'all. You'll be seeing a lot more of Sacha Baron Fierce this summer and I bet you can not wait!

What just happened? (AM)

Last night I sat down to write about Aaron Paul and just when I started writing, an ad for Rivers came on. Of course I was watching the Emmys at the time, you know, hoping to see Aaron Paul and then this Rivers ad came on. It was an ad for clogs. The whole ad is about the fact that they are super ugly shoes but only cost $5. "They're ugly. $4.90. They're so ugly. $4.90" You know the usual Rivers style.

I'd put a picture of them here but I don't want that ugly shit on my blog. I stared at the screen for a minute trying to figure out if I'd really seen what I thought I'd seen. Then I looked at this bottle of bittersōt ōrtsnaps I'd just opened and wondered if that had anything to do with it.

Then I actually laughed out load at a joke made on the Emmys. Must be the bittersōt ōrtsnaps. But it was made by Melissa McCarthy and she is really funny so maybe the joke was funny and the Rivers ad was real. Then I googled for a translation of bittersōt ōrtsnaps turns out google has never even heard of these words!

When suddenly I remember, holy shit. J, haven't you been smoking peyote for six straight days? And couldn't some of this, maybe, be in your mind? It was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.

I once was blind (AM)

I don't want you guys to think I've got a one-track mind, but the arrival of Spring has made my goddamn year. Just four days of sunshine and I feel brand new. Or like a new release of a pre-existing model. Like my brain has emerged from hibernation. And I know there are more cold days ahead, but I'm sure they will be like water off the back of a duck to me now that I have seen the light (of spring)!

In the last four days I've thought of TWO brand new outfits using clothes I've had for ages. Clothes that have been sitting there in my cupboard and I have not thought to team because my brain has been mush. (The outfits, for those intimate with my wardrobe and curious or those in need of some AWESOME inspiration*, included pinky peach pleated pants with a pink shirt and a little jumper I like to call quilty tucked in, and a cream skivvy with pale denim skirt, burnt orange stockings and burnt orange boots. I looked so cute.)

Last night I made a dinner that was a variation of a meal I make plenty in warm weather but that I'd never quite made before. A brand new prawn marinating recipe sprung to my brain (ginger, mint, coriander, lime juice, pineapple juice).

I served the prawns with salad and coconut rice.

Then do you know what happened? I had left over coconut rice and I thought "what should I do with that?" I realised that probably if I fried it into little rice cakes, spread those with the salted caramel spread K made for chutney club and ate them with some fried bananas they'd probably be pretty effing delicious. Hopefully I will have confirmation on that that by the end of today.
 
Brain and spring, if you were horoscopes you'd be as compatible as Taurus and Virgo. If you filled out your profiles on e-harmony you would totally get match-made (I guess. If you believe the ads). Spring, you complete Brain.

If these last four days are anything to go on I'm going to be having great ideas out the wazoo for the next few months! So stay tuned readers!!!**


*This is included pretty much for K only. I know she will care.
**I really hope that my fingers aren't writing cheques my butt can't cash

Art/Fashion (PM)

It's true. Lady Design Files went to my school, but she was in Russeth's year. And word up to her for having such a successful blog she can work full time on. Yes, congratulations. But um... is design more interesting than the stuff that K and I ate and saw and thought about? Is it? Is that why she has a successful blog and I just have... this? *sweeps hand across Miss Soft Crab* And only half of this at that!

Just jokes. I love Miss Soft Crab even if I still have to work my day job. And word up to the Design Files!

But that Gorman art as clothes thing, I'm not so sure. Of course I have made no secrets about my feelings for Gorman this past year, so some may say I am biased, THAT SHIT IS FUGLY! Not really. Or at least not totally. That first dress may be ok, or maybe it is just the nice photo? And doesn't Gorman always have something like in that harlequin pattern? Lord give me strength to never find harlequin print jeans attractive. As for that jumpsuit, just no. And I am a person that is not afraid to embrace the fug now and again. Fashionwise.

Give me Ken Done any day.

Did I ever tell you about this time LB and I went to the Gold Coast and had coffee at the Done Art and Design Cafe. It was probably the first time we went to the the Goldy. I'd never been to Queensland before and I was kind of shocked at how totally Queensland the state seemed to be. And the Gold Coast - MINDBLOWER! So you can see why I thought the Done experience was a must. Holiday highlight, people, HOLIDAY HIGHLIGHT!

LB and me at DONE*

*Did you ever notice that Done is spelt the same as done?!

Imaginary TV show workshop (AM)

Imaginary TV show workshop is back readers, and this time it's intolerant of law breakers! What? Who cares, read on!

Barely Legal

Alibi Jones is a brilliant lawyer who will do whatever it takes in pursuit of the truth.

So when the police need someone to go undercover at Double Dees, notorious mob-boss Dominic Donini's infamous Chicago strip joint, Ally's angelic face and perfect 10 figure make her the prime candidate. Overnight, Ally Jones becomes Areola Je T'aime, the stripper with moves so sweet there oughtta be a law against it, setting honey-trap after honey-trap for Chicago's underbelly. 

In between lap dances, Ally helps her fellow strippers - the most loveable ensemble of whores-with-hearts-of-gold since Julia Roberts and Laura San Giacomo - beat their solicitation raps and win back custody of their kids. 

Ally's combining case-law with crotchless panties - and cleaning up Chicago's streets for good!

HAHAHA (PM)

Google is funny!

But it's also a bit of a weirdo.

I just asked it what's good and it said:

good/go͝od/

Adjective:	To be desired or approved of.
Noun:	That which is morally right; righteousness.
Adverb:	Well: "my mother could never cook this good".
Synonyms:	adjective.  nice - kind - fine noun.  benefit - profit - advantage - avail - welfare - use adverb.  well - nicely - fine - right - okay

More info »Dictionary.com - Answers.com - Merriam-Webster - The Free Dictionary

I don't think that sentence is grammatically correct. It's not good. 

HAHAHA (AM)

I just asked Google 'what's funny?' and it told me this.

fun·ny/ˈfənē/

Adjective:	Causing laughter or amusement; humorous.
Noun:	The comic strips in newspapers: "I read the sports page, funnies, and editorial".
Synonyms:	comical - comic - amusing - droll - humorous - odd

More info »Wikipedia - Dictionary.com - Answers.com - Merriam-Webster 

 I've got to give it to Google, it did make me laugh.

TGIF (AM)

Oh, hi guys. 

Though I would love to write a really great post for you right now, there is a strong chance that anything I write will be pretty lame, on account of me waking up at 5am this morning and not being able to get back to sleep.
Instead, I think  it's best for everybody if I just show you these two things that amused me during the course of the week. Lets begin!  

First, a couple of texts I got from Le Flav in the middle of the night a few days ago:

Sounds like that kid was having a really great night! Shame I wasn't really a part of it. :-(

Now look at this. 

When I look at this, I see the sorrow of a dog whose nap has been interrupted by a bunch of people standing around getting their photo taken.

Now that I look at these things side by side I wonder if I am too easily amused. Oh well. 

TGIF!

Beer Review: Estrella Damm Inedit (PM)

I wish that Estrella Damm Inedit would come here and say that it wants to fill a gap in my drinking. The gap that's in my face!

 (I mean my mouth.)

What with it being Tuesday afternoon, and me being at work, and it being the coldest day of the year (coldest day of the world, more like it), I would love a visit from that little Iberian princess.
 Look at it, with it's pretty little label, begging to be followed like some unholy star of bethlehem.

Wait a minute, that's not asparagus

And don't bother bringing that wine glass, Estrella Damm Inedit. I'll take you straight out of the bottle, baby.
Yeah.

A really great weekend (PM)

Yeah it was! And I didn’t even find a dream coat! And, although my team did win, it was only against Greater Western Sydney. Whoopdeedo.

Mate, it’s almost as if your weekend was the upset of the season!

Sure, we had tickets to see the This American Life movie of a show, so I guess the weekend was always going to be pretty good, but no one could have expected:

·         You would get a dream park which meant

·         You would find a dream coat

·         Your team, the Melbourne Demons, would have their first win of the season against the ‘in-form team of the season’!

·         The This American Life movie would be so utterly awesome and delightful!

All this from what was expected to be a pretty average weekend!

Plus Melbourne is full of beautiful autumn leaves even though it’s winter. Word to your mother autumn!

And, word to your mother last weekend!

And word to your mother, Matey, for just taking the weekend by the horns hand having a great one the shit out of it.

Something for everyone (AM)

Today I thought I was all ready to tell you all these thoughts I have been having about Prince. Not just Prince, but music in general. But then it got kind of confronting. Like, am I really ready to talk to you about the visceral response to music, my ideas about how live music is so awesome because it makes some imagined world created by music somehow almost tangible, but also tantalisingly less tangible, and how the first time I heard 'Gett Off' my mind was totally blown. No. No way. I am totally not ready to go there. Sorry guys. (But go and watch the clip for 'Gett Off'. It's so awesome but I can't embed it.)

'But', I thought to myself, 'What am I going to write about?' So I looked around for inspiration. And found it in one of my favourite places. The Internet! Actually, I found it right here in the back end of Miss Soft Crab, specifically in the keyword search traffic sources. Firstly, you may be interested to know that not a single Ewan McGregor-related phrase was in the top ten search terms bringing people here. 'Jedward' was (thanks Eurovision) and so was 'Seal's face' (thanks The Voice). And so was 'fish that looks like a man'. I mean, geez, you talk about a fathead sculpun one time and suddenly 'fish that looks like a man' is bringing in the audience. So I thought I would see what happened when I asked Google for a 'fish that looks like a man'. I'll tell you what happened, as I started writing the Google predictive text told me that the second most searched for fish look alike, after 'fish that looks like a dog' is 'fish that looks like hitler'. No wonder. Turns out there are a heap of those little bastards out there:

Then I decided to see what other animals look like people. There are dogs that look like Snoop Dogg. Of course.

 
I also tried for pigs that look like people. But apparently people only ever ask Google to find images of 'pigs that look like sheep' and 'pigs that look like a willy'. WTF, people?!? WTF?

Finally it became quite clear that I had to see if there were any dogs that look like Ewan McGreggor. Apparently there aren't, so Google offered up this instead.

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Not my actual subconscious mind

Take my subconscious. Please!

I

You woke me up at

Four, to worry about things. 

Are you a moron?

II

Public holiday 

Benefits squandered. Some brain

You've turned out to be. 

III

Credit where its due:

When you played Enter Sandman 

In my head,  I laughed. 

Things aren't going so well (AM)

Oh, hi guys. I hope you guys are in the mood to go a little rogue today. You see, today's post was going to be about Words With Friends, and how I really hate it when people play fake words in order to get cheap high scores. So annoying, right? However, due to a range of circumstances, this is no longer possible. What circumstances? I hear you ask. Ok, very quickly then: a) my computer is on the fritz b) I borrowed midbro's iPad while my computer is getting fixed and it turns out they are not as intuitive as apple would have you think. I have so many questions, including: i) How come it won't let me download photos from my gmail? ii) How come the Miss Soft Crab back of house section looks so weird? I can't find the button to make bullet points! iii) How am I supposed to blog in these conditions? (this is what we might refer to as a threshold question) c) the wifi I normally use is also on the fritz and I am therefore writing this from the McDonalds on Collins Street. You guys, it's horrible here. I have so many questions, including: i)Why are so many people eating McDonalds for breakfast on a Tuesday? ii)Why is the man next to me sitting so close? You could have your pick of seats dude, why are you getting all up in my business? Can't you hear me coughing? Are you trying to see what im writing on my ioad here? Keep looking friendo and pick up what I'm putting down! You're on motherflipping notice. d)I think my ability to problem solve declines when I am sick.

Those are the main circumstances. Anyway, I'm afraid the Words With Friends post is going to have to wait until another day and today's Miss Soft Crab is going to come from the vault. Lets remember simpler, happier times by revisiting all the Miss Soft Crab posts that refer to the Shake Shack. I recommend reading from the bottom, but things aren't going so well for me right now, so maybe do whatever works for you guys.

Haiku Thursday (PM)

FROM MY SICK BED

Conversations with my sore throat

I

You sure are sore, throat.

Like I swallowed a bunch of

Rose thorns. Ouch, throat. Ouch.

 II

Next time, perhaps try

a bit harder to resist

infection. OK?

III

Hey, I'm sorry throat. 

I know you're doing your best.

Mostly you're quite good.

IV

It's just that daytime

TV is really bad and

I need a scapegoat.

V

Here, throaty baby.

Have this nice hot cup of tea.

And get well soon, 'k?

WTF? Wednesday (PM)

Oh. Oh geez mate. What did those eggs look like? You weren't eating barkers' eggs were you?

As long as they looked like eggs and smelled like eggs and tasted like eggs, I think they were eggs. If they didn't, then I think you had dog shit for dinner.

The Oscars 2012 (or Thank You Christian Bale or Innocence Lost)

I feel like perhaps we should apologise in advance for the warped focus of our Oscars coverage. But I also feel like it was not our fault. If you are interested in reading about outfits, you have come to the wrong place. If you want to know about movies, you are also in the wrong place. And if you want to know who won, you won't get a lot of that here either. If you want hunks... then I sure as hell hope you didn't watch the Oscars last night.

Our Oscars coverage is going to be brought you you  by text message. Shall we begin. (FYI, K is grey and I, J, am green. And sorry for the typos. It's hard to maintain the level of professionalism you are no doubt accustomed on MSC while text messaging.)

I don't know if you guys remember that last year, when The Fighter won a bunch of awards, everyone kept thanking Marky Mark, I'm still thanking him.

Any negative comments you see throughout this discussion are either related to nauseating montages (as referenced above) or nauseating hosts (Like J.Lo and Cameron Diaz, referenced below). We didn't plan to start off on such a negative note, but the Oscars made us, and Miss Soft Crab is nothing if not honest.

 

Finally, something good happened.

Christian Bale was presenting best supporting actress. Which of course a woman from The Help, Octavia Spencer, won.

 

 

Bradley Cooper went and ruined everything. As usual.

As we moved further away from the time that  Christian Bale had been on our screens, our despair over the lameness of the show grew.  Things went from bad to worse when  Cirque du Soleil performed a dance/acrobatic/bullshit tribute to movies.

Chris Rock presented the award for best animation. I believe Rango won.

Have you seen an ad for this TV show called The Voice? Keith Urban and Delta Goodrem and Seal and a guy from Good Charlotte are on it? What?

Luckily K has been watching a lot of GO! lately and could tell us all about it. Until she got distracted...

This is Taylor Kitsch as John Carter. In the absence of Oscar hunks we are offering you hunks from the ads that screened during the broadcast

Thank Christ, it was then time for the best supporting actor award. And though there were no actual hunks nominated Christopher Plummer was nominated for Beginners. You know,  with Ewan?

 

 

At least Man or Muppet won the best song award. Even though it only had to beat one other song. Then I had to put Baby to bed and I didn't tell K. Whoopsee.

Here is what Kristen Wiig looked like:

Pretty, I think. And a little bit like her Bridesmaids nemesis Rose Byrne 3 years ago, style-wise.

At this stage there was a montage of awards that are presented before the real Oscar night. God, let the past be the past I say. It including some kind of lifetime acheivement things for people like Oprah (WHAT? Her contribution to what now?)

Luckily no hunks died last year, but sadly this meant we had to sit through another hunk-free segment. The in memoriam was accompanied by a woman singing 'What a Wonderful World'. Personally I felt the song choice was all wrong.

 

Usually I would never say LB looks like Brad Pitt. But I feel a bit bad for ranting about hunks this way, so I will say with a resounding YES, LB and Brad Pitt share a certain something. Also, you have to admit Pitt has a handsome face.

Then, of course, Meryl Streep won the best actor award. She got  emotional. Groan.

 

How to describe our feelings? #robbed #cold #alone 

Thank you Christian Bale for helping us get through the night. 

And thanks for nothing Oscars!