This post was going to be about how much I like Brendan Fraser (PM)

I'm not surprised to read what K learned about Brendan Fraser yesterday. I've been suspecting for a long time that Brendan Fraser isn't what we thought he was. Even after my teenage hormones settled down I still managed to enjoyed him in The Mummy, but I can admit he's pretty hit and miss. For sometime I've been wonerding if that's just because he's gotten puffy and somewhat unattractive but I suspect* it's more than that. I've watched Journey to the Centre of the Earth a couple of times with Baby and I find the Frase pretty meh. It supports something that I've been coming to terms with for a long time and that is that many of the people I deemed hunks in my youth were really only given that mantle as a result of hormones and magazines telling me what to think. Now I'm a grown up I can choose my hunks for myself!

However I am pretty upset to learn that With Honours wasn't even watchable. I assume that any film you watch a million times as a kid will always be enjoyable based on nostalgia alone so it's pretty upsetting to learn this isn't true. I  mean I'm still processing that revelation about some of the perceived hunks of yesteryear.

God, these life lessons just keep on coming.

In fairness to Brendan Fraser I think that we should recognise that the allimony payments he doesn't want to pay are actually in addition to his child support payments, which, according to TMZ are not what he's complaining about. So come on guys, give Brendan Fraser a break!

*And by "suspect" I mean "like to think in order to not feel so shallow".

This post was going to be about how much I like Brendan Fraser (AM)

Yesterday afternoon, I lay down on the couch for a little rest while the gentlemen of the house went for a walk. I fully intended to watch an episode of Orange is the New Black which is a bit violent for my sensitive tastes these days, yet still lures me back to watch more. However, the internet was on the fritz so I was stuck watching real TV which, on Sunday afternoon, is always a gamble. Imagine my delight when a young Brendan Fraser popped up on my screen together with an always the same age Joe Pesci in the film With Honors. This was a film that J and I watched several times when we were teenagers because it starred a man we deemed to be a hunk (Joe Pesci) and a man we liked to make a lot of fun of (Brendan Fraser). Just jokes. Reverse that. We used to make a LOT of fun of Joe Pesci. I don't know why, given that he is excellent in Goodfellas. But for a while there, we would regularly play games of 'Would you rather' in which sex with Joe Pesci was one of the undesirable activities we had to choose between.
But back to Sunday afternoon.   How great! I thought. I love Brendan Fraser and this lame movie. I am going to watch it and then tomorrow I am going to post about how great Brendan Fraser is and how he should really work more. 
It was a great plan for about five minutes. It didn't take long for me to realise that Brendan Fraser actually isn't that great. He's kind of bad and in the film With Honors, he plays a smug douchebag. I always knew With Honors was a shit film, but I thought it would be enjoyable because of our history with it, and I really did think that Brendan Fraser was good. Boy oh boy (Harvard)* was I wrong! I started to think that maybe Brendan Fraser doesn't really get much work any more because he's not really very good. Maybe my feelings about Brendan Fraser are purely related to the powerful hormones active in my late teens. I thought perhaps I would watch School Ties again to be certain but after about 20 minutes of With Honors, I don't think I have it in me.
Plus, I googled Brendan Fraser and discovered this. Brother doesn't want to pay an admittedly very high amount of alimony to his ex-wife to support his kids because he has too many other expenses and his more than $200k monthly income can't cover it all.

Now think Brendan Fraser is a dick and will only watch School Ties for Matt Damon.

* This is a very specific With Honors based in-joke from our teenage years.

PS: this damn site won't let me post photos so I can't even show you that Brendan Fraser used to be a hunk! Sorry you guys.

Internet, you've ruined hunks (AM)

Recently, I asked the Internet what’s hot and Google showed me this:




Haha. Good one google.

Anyway, eventually I got to this thing on Buzzfeed about why Joseph Gordon Levitt may be hot.

 

And, as I well and truly already knew, there are several reasons. In simpler, pre-internet days there would actually be no question in my mind about the legitimacy of JGL's hotness. I like JGL, he's good in stuff and hot, therefore JGL = Hunk. But now I actually have to decide based on all this information whether or not a person is actually hot. With the Internet there is so much more to know. In the old days you just watched a few movies, read a few magazines, if you were lucky saw the odd interview on Letterman. A hunk was a hunk.

But now, there is so much exposure to people, sheesh, it's a wonder anyone is still a hunk. Let's, for example, examine Joey Gordon Levitt. First I just thought I loved him. Then, thanks to the Internet, I heard an interview with him on Fresh Air. I liked him well enough but I was primed to love him. Why didn't I love him? There, chink 1 in his hunk armour. Also, I read his twitter feed. It’s ok, sometimes amusing, sometimes annoying. Like everyone’s I guess. But still, I don't love him. Bam, another chink.

It's just that I know too much. In the old days a hunk was a hunk 'cause you just saw them in movies you could make them whoever you wanted. But now that’s harder. Look at our HotMC hunks: Casey Affleck, Gael Garcia Bernal, Jake Gylenhaal, even Jimmy Bartel, no Twitter feeds and pretty low level media exposure. Paul Newman, definitely no Twitter feed.

Internet, I guess you must be good for something other than providing pictures of cats that look like Hitler. I mean, Wikipedia seems ok, but sometimes I just wish we lived in simpler times. Times when you'd find a picture like this in Smash Hits and would have known without a doubt you were looking at a hunk.

Nothing gold can stay, I guess. 

Understanding McCarthyism (PM)

This is what I texted J on Sunday morning, after I discovered she had tweeted "I'm beginning to think the movie Mannequin doesn't make any sense" at about 10pm the night before:

You see, my brothers and I used to watch Weekend at Bernie's and Look Who's Talking all the time when we were little. We taped them off the tele and though everything else we recorded we eventually taped over,  for some reason, WaB and LWT endured. I think because of this, perhaps I ruined myself for McCarthy. And babies. Just kidding! I love babies, especially Baby and Niecey and Little Nut. But I can't watch McCarthy. Every time I see him now I think 'ewww', and also 'Andrew McCarthy looks a little like Ethan Hawke when he smiles. Eww'.  You just can't watch WaB as many times as I have and think anything else.

Touching the void (AM)

One of the great things about living alone in your own place is that you can take your pants of when you get home from work and just get about in opaque stockings and ugg boots and no one gets hurt.

What's not great about living alone is that you have no one to consult with when scary/weird things happen and you don't know what to do.

Yesterday, I was on the balcony checking on my tomato plant which has been growing all winter even though everyone knows tomatoes are a summer crop.

This is what confusion looks like.

That tomato plant is a crazy son-of-a-bitch and a truly inspirational against-all-odds story of triumph against adversity. I swear I have done nothing to it to make it grow and produce fruit in winter other than check on it all the time and think about it a lot while I am at work. And because I love it so much I was out there checking on it yesterday morning.

I was also looking at the lettuce and carrot zone...

...and trying really hard not to pick the carrots because they are too small, but wanting to because the carrot tops look so healthy.

I effed up guys. I just picked a couple, I really couldn't help myself. 

So there I was, all up in my balcony nature, when I heard the sound of water coming from a tap down below. I peered over the edge and saw a woman drinking from the tap in my front yard, a mere three metres below me and in plain of the whole street.

The woman was about 50, scrawny, had a lot of bags and looked, in the words of Gotye, rough. She had that cagey unsettled look that people beloved of narcotics often have, and as she started putting her head under the tap to give her hair a bit of a rinse, I started to worry. I wanted her to turn the tap off and continue on her way, but she appeared to dawdle as though she had other business at the tap.  Then, she reached in to her bag and pulled out what appeared to be a long strip of toilet paper.

At this point, I started to wish I didn't live alone, or at least that there was someone else with me on the balcony with whom I could exchange a frightened look. Why does she have toilet paper? I wanted to know. Why isn't she moving along? I also wanted to know. There was no one but me and my stupid brain to ponder these questions, and my brain was being so useless it might has well not have shown up at all.

The questions kept on coming as I watched her move in to a position that though I tried interpret as something - anything! - else, was pretty clearly and unmistakably the squat position, and started to pull her pants down.

Because I am polite and was terrified, I cleared my throat and said "Excuse me" as though I was asking a shop assistant if they have any more sizes.

She leaped up and mumbled something like "I can't hold on" and then grabbed her bags and walked off in that rapid fire way that scrawny, rough people walk.

All of this happened at about 11:30am on a Sunday and readers,  you do not know solitude until you've stood on your balcony and watched a woman ready herself to use your front yard, a yard with no fence that is only distinguished from the footpath by a bunch of pebbles, as a toilet. Clearly a woman who would do such a thing is experiencing her own challenges and so I don't want to come down on her too  hard but fucking hell you guys. I wish I didn't have to have that in my head, and in my head alone!

So, um, thanks for listening guys.

Paradis lost (PM)

You know why you can't think of any more celebrity couples that you want to stay together, Mate? Because celebrity couples aren't worth a damn anymore. Not only can you not have any faith in them these days but the overall calibre sucks.

Celebrity couples. I feel almost nothing for them now.

I mean Brangelina! Puh-lease! Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee were more appealing than those two. Miley Cyrus and Thor's little brother? I don't even know who they are! Who could ever give a shit about those couples. Celebrity couples used to mean something. But not anymore. 

Sure, I hope Beyonce and Jay-Z stay together too. And Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger too, I mean they seem adorable. 

And I would want these guys to stay together too if I thought they were a real couple. 

And if I thought there was any chance. K-Stew is 22 for god's sake. Sure, that's practically how old I was when LB and I started going out, but we got together in Collingwood, not Hollywood. 

HEY! I just thought of one! 

Adorable Spaniards

And probably if David Bowie and Iman break-up I couldn't even say 'celebrity couple' again.

To conclude, I think that, yes, you should go and talk to a hairdresser about getting that Michelle Williams hair cut and colour. You've been talking about a transition like this a lot.

Go do.

Paradis lost (AM)

You guys! The internet tells me that Jonny Depp and Vanessa Paradis just broke up!

Quel dommage!

I really liked those guys as a couple. 

Look how adorable Vanessa is. 

Jonny's a fool, letting that one go. I guess they have their reasons. 

But gee, it just goes to show that if you are a person who wants to mate for life, you should try hard not to be a celebrity. Those dudes never stay together! 

There is a  tres petit part of my heart that I keep aside for celebrity couples that I want to work out. Or should I say, there's a tiny shred  of a tres petit part of my heart that I keep aside for celebrity couples I want to work out - what's left after my all-time favourite celebrity couple broke up. 

RIP Heath and Michelle as a couple. And Heath, for real. 

Other couples I have liked that are no longer together:

Brad and Janet. I mean Tim and Susan. 

Spicoli and Princess Buttercup. I mean Sean Penn and Robin Wright.

Actually, that's about it. But there are a bunch of other couples I want to stay together!

Like these guys. 

And these adorable lovebirds:

Experience tells me that these guys won't work out either. There are others too, but I can't think of them think I should leave some for J. 

See you in the PM, crab fans.
PS: This is Michelle Williams in Take This Waltz. 

More importantly, this is her hair.
That hair is cute, right? Could I pull that off? I'm talking colour too. 

QEII Style (PM)

I totally dig on QEII style!

Obvs I don't want to look or dress like her, but sister got some good tips. In fact, I'm starting to think that QEII has been influencing me without me even knowing it. Did you know my whole look for this year is based around monochrome. Tone wise I'm happy to mix it up, but colour-wise I'm totally trying to maintain monochrome outfits. Duochrome at most. But even QEII would let me get away with that.

Also, I love that she kind of has a uniform. I long to be the sort of person that wears various incarnations of the same thing every day. I think that is kind of awesome, but when it comes down to it I just can't commit like that. I think it's awesome QEII does it. I mean, she could wear anything in the world but she just goes right on wearing skirts with jackets and hats in one colour. Unlike some people in her family, she really knows what commitment means.

Check out how long she's been doing it!

In fact, it is so great her new granddaughter in law is totally imitating her!

Who the eff do you think you are Middleton. I see you with your eyes on the prize.

 

 

Me, I take a lot from QEII style. Sure, not the skirt suits or hats, but more generally, you know.

But let me give you a little advice, if you want to keep the dream alive please don't Google 'Queen Elizabeth II casual'. I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just saying keep your QEII style vision pure. I didn't and now I can never go back.