Ten

Well, I got to tell you when I went to look at Miss Soft Crab last week I was not really expecting to find a post from K. I was expecting to see the Kravitz-Bonets looking at me with their beautiful faces but instead I saw this little ray of sunshine. Congratulations Tugboat and K - the big oh-one!

Having a baby - it's the biz. But of course not everyone gets to do that or wants to that so forget about it - there is so much great shit in the world and having a baby is just one thing.

Anyway, I was recently reminiscing about  the day Baby was born because he turned the big one-oh a couple of weeks ago. TEN! Sometimes (always) on my kids birthdays I like to recall their birth and make them listen to the details. They love it. When Pickle and Minderbinder dropped past on Baby's birthday they asked "It must be his birthday right around now, wasn't he born around now?" to which I answered, "In about an hour. Now would be around the time that I would have been screaming 'Turn off the drip!! IT'S TOO MUCH!!! PLEASE TURN OF THE DRIP!!!'"

Later he was born and whoa - what a delight. And then I had the best shower of my life. I couldn't leave. Though you know when I really couldn't leave the shower - DURING labour with Newbie. But that's another story.

Eat more eggs

Until a month or two ago I was still suffering the ill effects of having  a baby. And I'm not talking about a weak pelvic floor. 

Having babies is great. I love babies heaps. And mine seem to be particularly adorable. At least that's what I've found. But as I (along with most of the world) have lamented before it is not without its challenges and after the birth of Little Bean I was feeling particularly stretched (still not talking about my pelvic floor). I found it quite hard to use my brain or my time effectively. Or at all. And that was quite troubling to me. I was hoping I'd find a way out of the fog and wondered if there wasn't something I could be doing to help me find my way. And then one day someone, let's call her Yo, with a baby just a couple months older than Bean told me she'd been feeling much better since she'd had acupuncture. I've never had acupuncture but I've often thought about it. If nothing else, I do think that lying down and telling a hippy your woes while they soothingly talk to you and put needles in you could be restorative regardless of your yins and yangs. Yo, who is definitely a bit of a hippy herself, was so enthused I really started to get excited at the prospect of acupuncture sorting me out. And then she told me that she'd been acupuncturally reset. 'There's a reset for after you have a baby, it's in the perineum it hurts but it really puts everything back into alignment.' Well that was where my enthusiasm fell away. Now that my baby producing days are behind me I'm not letting any sharp implements near my perineum again. Luckily Yo had some more advice which was that her acupuncturist had suggested she start taking protein powder, that all the breastfeeding is a real drain and you need to up your protein! She said that this had also made her feel amazing and this, I thought, was something I could definitely do!! I felt pumped! I couldn't wait to add that protein powder to my day. Now I could feel amazing too! Until I started to think that taking protein powder would actually be a bit gross and maybe I should just make a concerted effort to eat more protein? 

So now I eat so many more eggs.  I try to eat them most days and as soon as I eat them I actually do feel pretty great. I don't know if it's just because they are delicious or satisfying or they are giving me a much needed protein boost or if it's just the good ol' placebo effect, I'll take the high anyway I can get it. Eggs !

Wednesday

Today it's Wednesday. So far, it doesn't have the technical difficulties of Monday, but it is showing some of the confused properties of Tuesday. 

I for one am confused about why small humans like Newbie and KB like to be awake between 11pm and 1am, or in KB's case, 12:45 and 3am. 

It's very confusing. 

Also, I'm confused about how Special Agent Dale Cooper can be so ageless. 

Then:

 Now:

 

Sure, he looks a bit older, but he still looks younger than me when in fact he is 20 years older. 

Pie must be very good for your skin. 

Happy Mother's Day

You know what this age of social media brings? It's real outpourings of emotion. Someone dies, it's "Vale this guy!" "Vale that guy!" Mother's Day come around it's all, "Happy Mother's Day to my greatest inspiration!" Well I love my mum and everything but I'm sure as hell not about to post anything like that anywhere. And if I'm honest, yesterday I really thought about myself. Not how hard it is to be a mother and isn't it great that there's this one day to celebrate it, but more about how my kids are so adorable and being their mother is so nice. I guess more than thinking about me I was really thinking about them. They're so cute. Which I guess, despite what I said in Thursday's post, is why people keep having babies.

But maybe I should think more about my mum. I guess I'm doing this mother's day thing wrong. I mean she came out to Australia as a teenager, spoke basically no English, had to go to high school, went to uni, became a doctor. Bought nicer houses than I'll ever live in again, raised three reasonably well functioning, nice children, has been married to one guy for nearly 50 years, she's done alright.

As for me, I guess I have too. As I said to Russeth yesterday morning, not much special happened for me to celebrate MD morning. LB went out to get me a coffee, but he does that pretty regularly. And really, isn't that better? To have a fella who goes out in the morning especially to buy you  coffee. That is pretty special, isn't it!? Better than just getting that one day a year.

Look, I don't know what the meaning of mother's day is, I just know I want a coffee.

Eat cheese

HAHA. Perv! Yesterday's post made me wonder if K really ate a lot of cheese on Tuesday night to have those weird dreams. And what kind of cheese it was. It also made me think about how Baby recently asked me what I wrote about on Miss Soft Crab. Or rather I asked him what he thought I wrote about. He said, "Your kids, your life...?" Yeah, I told him. And other stuff too. Things I ate or did. "Or thought about?" He asked. Like he somehow knew. Or jumped to the obvious conclusion. Yeah, I told him. All sorts of things. "Eating cheese?" He asked. He thinks it's funny to interject "Eat cheese!" all the time, so when he asked it was a joke. But I told him, yep! Quite a bit.  "Really?!" he asked. "Really!?" He thought he was being silly. And I guess he thought no one would write about eating cheese. Eat cheese. It's more than a hilarious joke to a 6-year-old. It's a way of life really.

Eight legged freaks

I am totally shitscared of spiders, and I'm not going to lie to you, it's my mother's fault. She is totally shitscared of spiders and broadcast this fact loud and wide when I was growing up, so I became terrified of those eight legged freaks too. It's not genetic, but it's definitely inherited.  

I know it's irrational and I've thought about trying  to train myself to overcome the fear but I think we all know I'm too lazy for that. But I don't want to pass it on to KB, so I've been trying not to show fear whenever I see spiders, which is all the freaking time at my house. 

I'm doing a great job, I have to say. Every night over summer a very large orb weaver would weave a web between the camelia bush and wisteria vine directly outside my front door. And there it would sit all night waiting for its prey, and waiting to greet me in the morning. Eewwww. Appleheart grew a soft spot for it through admiring the beautiful intricate design of its web and started to call it Orbie. Even I came to admire its work ethic. And though I was shuddering inside every time I walked past it, i would never let on so KB has been none the wiser. I'm very mature you guys. 

In the last few weeks she stopped turning up and Appleheart grew sad. He turned to google and found out that she probably had a whole bunch of spiderbabies at the end of the summer and then died. I was a bit sad about it but mostly glad I didn't have to confront her again. Also, I was too busy thinking about  all those spider babies to stay sad. I had some fear to nurture! 

Today, as I was hanging out the washing in our undercover clothesline/baby transport vehicle depot, I spotted one of orbie's babies. 

Here's a wide shot. 

 

Here's a close up.

 

Suspended in a perfect web that her mother would have admired. She's no threat now, but sooner or later she will grow and then my troubles will begin. 

I wondered what to do for a bit. Should I get rid of the problem now, while it's still a small problem? Or should I respect the circle of life and let Orbie's baby have a shot at it. Soon enough, KB lost it over something or another so we went inside for cuddles and when I went back to finish hanging out the washing, I forgot about Orbie Jnr.  I think she's still there but let's not bother to check, shall we? Great. 

Pretty pretty (KI day 1)

Everyone I told that I was going to Kangaroo Island would either say "Oh, it's beautiful!" Or "It's meant to be beautiful!"

On Saturday we left Melbourne. Me with a motherfucker of a headache, LB with a cold and the mood of a person that's been running around since 7am plus some the night before and Baby, Newbie and Whoopsie with the respective constitutions and temperaments of 6-year-, 3-year- and 4-month-olds, none of which were made for day-long drives.

So we drove for 9 hours with many tears and not as many laughs and stayed the night in a very small, brown motel room in Victor Harbour which the children thought was fantastic and I kind of loved because it was stationary and had comfortable beds and gave me that sense of being anywhere and nowhere which is one of the joys of a shitty motel.

Yesterday we caught a ferry over to Kangaroo Island under grey skies and periodic rain and somewhat underdressed and to be honest Penneshaw, where we docked just seemed like any small Australian town. We've driven around a little and it seems nice. Cute old stone buildings all over the place, some nice vistas and beaches. It's totally pretty. I've seen heaps of pretty places before though.  But behind where I write this is a whole island yet to been seen, so I guess today will prove just how deserved this reputation is. 

2016 reflections. Again.

Well, here we are! The end of 2016. I can barely believe it! In the grand tradition of Miss Soft Crab round-ups K and I got together to have a little chat about things. There were things I wish I'd mentioned, like how a highlight of the year was our new once-a-day, daily post format which, I don't know about you but I am sure enjoying. And the new iOS update which has finally included a croissant and a pile of pancakes in the emojis. Anyway, here's what K and I thought of the last 51 weeks.

 ‪J: Yeah 2016! How was it for you?

 ‪K: You know, it was pretty great.

 ‪J: GREAT! What did you like about it? 
‪K: Well, personally, I liked settling in to being KB's mum. And I liked hanging out with KB and watch him become cuter and cuter. ‪I liked going back to work and therefore being able to read books again.

  ‪J: Yeah I was thinking about how at the start of this year you had a six-month-old baby and by the end of the year you have a nearly 18-month-old toddler and how different those two things are.

 ‪K: Fully different. ‪And you went from being a mother of sons to being a mother of sons AND WHOOPSIE!

 ‪I also liked how it was a year of serious things. All the deaths. Brexit. Trump. It's a year  to remember.

 ‪J: Oh yeah. Seriously what a year! I had a baby. And all that totally crazy shit happened. Basically if you had asked me what this year would hold ‪I could not have predicted any of that shit. From a new baby to the Trump presidency I'm basically still having difficulty believing any of it. 


‪K: Yeah. The shit has been pretty unbelievable. I know we still have a week or so to go, but I'm just glad QEII is still here.

 ‪J: I've been really worried about her, what with 2016 being so full of unbelievable shit. Mate, as much as I've loved QEII and her monochrome for a long time now, I feel so much closer to her after watching The Crown. Let's just hope we can escape this year without any more celebrityy deaths. 

 ‪When Bob Dylan won the Nobel Prize for Literature LB and I were saying if you came into the news report half way through you would have thought he was dead too. God forbid.

  K: ‪Totally. It was really a strange year. Kind of doomy. ‪And the weather has been a bit shit. ‪But personally it's been nice, so what are you gonna do?

 J: ‪Yeah. It was a totally strange year. I was basically pregnant from the beginning until Whoopsie was born in October and I was highly emotional for that entire time. Which really added to the weirdness for me. Like I was so emotional when Leonardo FINALLY won his Oscar. But I was so emotional for that entire awards ceremony. I basically cried at every standing ovation.

K: ‪Oh man, that victory was one for the ages. Leonardo Di Goddamned Caprio. What a proper movie star he is.

J: ‪You said it!  

K: Speaking of movies, one of the things I enjoyed about this year was discovering a film review podcast called Kermode and Mayo. It's a couple of blokes mucking around telling jokes and talking about movies. I think Fassbender is going to be on it next week.


 ‪J: Oh I see. 

Well that sounds cool. I may listen to it. I've enjoyed listening to Lena Dunham's podcast this year and working through my complicated feelings about her. Recently I listened to a few podcasts about Buffy, just people talking about Buffy episodes and stuff. It was pretty enjoyable.
 ‪
K: I've been enjoying the Lena Dunham podcast too. Did you listen to that one with her dad? I really liked that one.
J: I did listen to that one and I also enjoyed it a lot. I liked her dad. Readers, go listen to that show.

 ‪K: Please do readers.


‪J: And how about TV? Obviously I loved The Crown. Also of course Stranger Things. I mean just the stuff everyone talked about already. 

 In truth this year was so intense I feel like I have nothing new to say about any of it.

 

K: ‪Yep, I liked that stuff. And I liked Hard Quiz because I love a quiz and this was a delightful spazz one. 

J: ‪I like that too. But you know who really loves that show? Baby! He loves it. HARD!  

K: Ha! ‪That's adorbs. 

J: ‪Sometimes we play it at the dinner table. And when I told him I saw Tom Gleeson at Ikea the other day he was so impressed! 


K: ‪That's super adorbs. ‪
I saw one of the couples from Gogglebox at the market the other day and that was very exciting. ‪
J: HAHAHA. Gogglebox!
‪
K: ...now we are chatting about the year and i'm thinking about how intense it was I guess I'm realising that it's set a lot in motion. But I don't want to be a downer.



J: ‪Look, if we wanted to talk seriously this year we'd be here for ever. I mean fucking TRUMP?!

Aaaaaaahhhh, that's better 

K: You said it. 2016 involved a lot of emotions, a lot of humongous events and some rubbish weather. Any hopes and dreams for 2017?

 
J: ‪Geez, what a great question. What do you base your answer on?! Well I guess I want to enjoy it. Personally I'd like to organise my time so I can write and exercise instead of just thinking about doing those things. I'm super excited to see who Whoopsie starts becoming. Obviously I love seeing Baby and Newbie grow but Whoopsie is a brand new slate, you know. And I think by the end of next year I'd like to have some professional developments. So yeah, I guess I have a bunch of hopes and dreams. How about you?
‪K: You've given me some great hope and dream ideas for 2017 just now!

 ‪I'd like to write and exercise more too. And I'd like to go overseas again before we have to start paying for a seat for KB. ‪I'd like to read more. And I would like to have a conversation with you, mate, about us starting a sing club which some people might call a choir but I'd prefer to call sing club 

J:  ‪Yeah sing club! Let's do it! And let's have more conversations! ‪
K: Yeah!


Have a great summer everyone. We'll be back in about a month. Woot!

Thursday's post (AM)

On Monday I had my baby and who forgot to do their blog post!? Not me, K! To be fair she did hit send on my post so I guess I can't say she did nothing to fulfill her MSC obligations but sheesh. My baby is a little girl and I love her. Having a baby is truly a best thing and going through labour is truly a worst thing. All I kept thinking was how the fuck do we get through this. I mean sure we all do it differently with varying degrees of intervention and tolerance and I'd chose labour over Caesar. But what a fucking a-hole it is. Having a tiny baby in he house is totally adorable though, if challenging and accompanied by an onslaught of hormones and attendant mood swings. So excuse me while I go burst into tears or stare at my baby adoringly or sit under a shower for a perverse amount of time.

It's the little things (PM)

Groaning and waddling are the definitive experiences of the eighth month pregnancy. 

But I remember J saying to me "You know how uncomfortable everything is right now? How rolling over in bed is impossible and puffy your ankles are and how it's all encompassing? Well all of that just goes away as soon as the baby's out. You can sleep on your tummy again!" 

And then there's these little things! 

It's the little things (AM)

I had a pretty busy weekend. That is I spent all weekend organising then having then coming drown from Baby's 3-month late birthday party. As a result my body is quite sore, as if I'd done a big run or some new kind of exercise except it's just from trying to operate like a normal adult. It's pretty disheartening. But it's really making me look forward to having my baby. Of course I'm looking forward to meeting my baby but I'm also really looking forward to:

Walking without a waddle

Moving from a standing to sitting position (or vice versa) without involuntarily groaning. Really loudly. 

Wearing my jeans

Beer

It's the little things. 

Now excuse me while I pass out. But not without groaning loudly first. 

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Notes on proximity

The proximity

To my due date makes me long

For pregnancy's end

Back pain, tiredness

Mass irritability 

Fuck this fucking shit

It's true (PM)

Newbie has basically had a constant stream of snot for the last three months. When the last 2 weeks were snot free I felt a concurrent freedom. One of not having to carry tissues all the time or feel that people were repulsed by my son the same way I feel repulsed by the snot streams of other children. Snot is back though and with it the pockets full of tissues, constant hand sanitising and shame.

Baby didn't get sick when he started childcare but he was 3.5 and I guess had enough exposure to life to immunise him. Or maybe it was the other kids at childcare, they all developed their immunity young and weren't spreading disgusting germs. Who knows? What I do know is that even though I feel perfectly fine, I'd love to be sitting in an armchair under a blanket with warm feet just like Garfield. That looks the bomb.

Once around the sun (PM)

Geez, I can't believe KB has been here a whole year. They grow up so fast.

You know what this means? One year ago K was having to come to terms with the fact she wouldn't get to see Blur. And in a week it will be one year since I saw Blur. God, what a special week June 21-28 was last year. Truly one of the greats!

Once around the sun (AM)

Today is KB's first birthday. 

A whole year of love and terror and comfort eating. 

Hooray!

Challenges (PM)

Ugh, Newbie loves my phone too. I feel like its a sign to me that I should look at iPhone less, you know just put it away and spend quality time with my baby or doing something productive and I try to do that but then I hear it's siren song message alert singing to me or I really need to check the weather and one thing leads to another and there I am just looking at it for no good reason till Newbie says, "I want to look at photo." And that seems harmless enough so he looks at some photos of him and Baby. There's a video he watches of himself as a baby, in the arms of his big brother, Baby. He says, "I like that baby." And then hugs and kisses the phone. It's adorable. Then when I'm not looking he goes to YouTube, chooses a video, usually some kind of mash up of a dancing Spiderman and the song Incy Wincy Spider or an animated video of Kinder Surprise type eggs looking like the characters from Peppa Pig, he expertly presses presses the part of the screen that says 'Press to skip advertisement' and points 'Mummy, mummy!' So delighted he's found such a cinematic masterpiece. Who the eff knows who is making them and why the eff!? Worse are the videos of young children dressed up and doing weird character things or toy demonstrations at the obvious urging of their parents. Or the videos of adults demonstrating a new release toy or popping balloons as they say the colours. Really, what are these people doing with their lives. What are their goals? Why is this happening.

Right, it is definitely time to put iPhone away, for all our sakes.

Challenges (AM)

One of the reasons my posts are so short these days is because KB is obsessed with my iPhone. Whenever I use it when I am around him, which is all the time, he starts reaching for and wildly trying to grab it. It's very difficult to get anything done. We gave him one of our old iPhones as a decoy, but he smelled a rat straight away. Ditto the decoy remote control we gave him so we wouldn't eat the TV remote control. God forbid he ever find the official Harry Potter remote control wand we have. I've hidden it on a very high shelf. 

When you spend 24/7 with a baby, you really need an iPhone. To connect you with the rest of the world through email and social media and all that malarkey. To play podcasts on when you are walking for hours to get them to sleep. To google things like 'early signs of autism/leukaemia/meningitis' whenever they do something weird, like blink rapidly five times in a row. Not being able to use it leaves you in a real jam. I still use it of course, but have to do so covertly. Like, I'll go to the pantry and hide in there to use it. But then I end up eating snacks too. It's not ideal. 

Sometimes I relent and let KB play with it, but he just starts eating it and I am sure that's a bad thing. I played some clips from Sesame Street on it the other day to occupy him while I had a shower. Before I knew it I could hear the game of thrones music and he had somehow found his way to a clip of some behind the scenes documentary. 

Anyway, I'm sure length/quality will improve when I return to work and can wield my iPhone boldly. That's a positive about returning to work! 

(So disinterested in decoy iPhone he's sitting on it while reaching for mine)

This is not a paid advertisement (PM)

Truth be told I love Blur and by that I mean Ugg boots. And Blur.  But I'm constantly struggling with my love for shoe-free living and my love for Ugg. I didn't opt for expensive carpet and underlay just so I couldn't feel it underfoot for 6 months of the year. And yet I didn't opt for expensive Uggs just so I couldn't wear them for 12 months of the year.

I actually need a new pair of Ugg boots. Or at least new lining. Is that possible? In many ways, my Ugg boots are fine, just a little worn, but the lining in one boot is totally shot out. It's all bunched up and wackadoo and kind of gives me nightmares because they have been this way for two years and I wore them this way when I was in labour with Newbie and paced that hospital room for twelve hours, even after I thought I had no distance left to run, many of those hours were was in those boots. The day after he was born my foot was so tender from pacing on that bunched up lining that I couldn't wear those boots for days and the pain stayed with me for at least a week. And given that I had just given birth the fact the foot pain even registered is pretty remarkable.

Nevertheless I love Ugg boots and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to buy a new pair. But, girls & boys, that doesn't mean I'm not interested in an adult bootie. Though I don't think I'll use that phrase again because it conjures up the idea of adult diapers, which always makes me think of that astronaut lady that drove across America to kill her ex-astronut lover's lover. Or something.

Anyway, I'm out of time. Have a great weekend y'all. (I know it's Thursday, but I could use a break already.)

Mother's Day (PM)

Mother's Day was not a big deal growing up in my house either. Sometimes we get our mum a present. Sometimes we don't. As grown ups we usually see her at least. Yesterday we went over and had a delicious lunch and played on Chickpea's new virtual reality headset so all in all we had a pretty great day. 

That's what Mother's Day is good for. I'll take any occasion to eat good food, spend time with loved ones and, ideally, ignore them while engaging in some VR. 

Likewise in my own home, Mother's Day, it's just a day. Oh, sure sometimes I might ask LB to go get me a coffee because it's Mother's Day, but he often does that anyway so it's really just a joke. Now that Baby is nearly 6 though he's well into Mother's Day. I guess they impress it upon him at school. It's pretty effing cute so I totally plan to enjoy it while it lasts. 

Yesterday he gave me a beautiful card with my portrait* on it and a message and a million exes and ohs. And he was super disappointed when he woke up to realise I was already up and making porridge and he couldn't give me breakfast in bed. He has this new found love for giving me breakfast in bed. He'll make a jam sandwich (the only thing he can make) and put it on a plate with a piece of fruit and wake me up with it. And although I'd rather be sleeping, this is a pretty effing sweet way to be woken up. Anyway, yesterday I told him porridge wasn't really in-bed food so he put all the couch cushions on the floor to make a bed and we ate porridge there. So, although I agree that Mother's Day is a bunch of bullshit, it's pretty flipping cute.

*Ok, guys, now I know K and I have always been really careful not to show our faces on this blog, but I think it's time for the big reveal. Ready?!?!

Mothers' Day (AM)

Yesterday was Mother's Day. Like I need to tell you guys. Social media was wall to wall with Mother's Day tributes. It's one of those days like that I've always thought is a bit silly, like valentines' day and the stupid public holiday for the horse race. My mum has never made a big deal out of it. She's a 'give me a card and a cuddle and that's all I need' kind of girl. Which, apart from the card, is her approach to every day. I guess the implication was that treating her kindly every day was more important than pampering her on Mother's Day . But now KB is here and I am fo shizle a mother myself. Accordingly, I spent about 3 seconds wondering whether my feelings about Mother's Day were different to my mother's. The culture certainly seems to think they should be. This notion of pampering the mother's is quite pervasive. During one of my trips to Northland last week I noticed that lots of shops had 'treat your mum!' displays in the window, often including bathrobes, which I think is very insensitive because who gets to sleep when they're a mother? Of course, the idea of being treated super special like is quite appealing. And now that KB is here I better understand how much work my mum and grandma did when we were growing up, and how much my pals have been doing for years now, and how they do so without complaining by and large. I think it's good and proper to acknowledge that, and to say that it's a super example and how I aspire to be myself.  But we have the reward of these babies that we love which has to be said, is pretty shit-hot and quite a bit better and more rewarding than a bathrobe. And more broadly, if a lady feels like she is working her guts out and needs a bit of acknowledgement, she should be able to get hers whatever day it is, not just wait for a special designated day. Ditto daddios. So I guess my Mother's Day personality is just like my mums. Happy 9th of May everyone!