Who the eff is Ryan Reynolds?! (AM)

Obviously I know who Ryan Reynolds is. He's Van Wilder, party liaison. And, as far as I understand, he is also the Green Lantern. But given I have no idea how a lantern could be a superhero I don't rate that as a thing. According to IMDb he is also a bunch of other dudes in a bunch of other movies (56 of them!) none of which seem in the least bit interesting, except possibly X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and that only because of Taylor Kitsch and definitely not because of RyRey. Also Ted. But you know a teddy bear and Marky Mark, who wouldn't be interested in that?

So why am I talking about this nobody of an actor? Well because idiot just got in my brain after I saw his name on a magazine cover and it infuriated me. Because why the fuck is this guy who is in nothing but nothing movies, who is neither attractive nor charismatic, in popular culture at all? Chicks!

I remember vividly when I heard he was engaged to Alanis Morissette. It seemed so odd. She seemed so mature, what with all that anger, and he was Van Wilder. But they are both Canadian so there was that. Then I never thought about him, or her, again. Until out of the blue he married Scarlett Johansson. So again, there he was in the magazines. This nobody who I never even saw photographed with his 'wife', except in photos like this:

Then, surprise, surprise, they break up and suddenly, again out of the blueberry he marries Blake Lively! Who gives a shit? Although I guess after she broke up with Penn Badgely and then was linked to Leonardo I wondered... oh never mind. Anyway in the supermarket last night I saw BLives on the cover of some fashion magazine with the line 'Blake Lively on blah, blah, and dating Ryan Reynolds!' Has anyone in the world ever thought about what it would be like to date RyRey? No, right? The answer can only be no. I wish those ladies of Hollywood would stop marrying that guy so he could get the hell out of anything I ever read about celebrities.

Get out of my head tweeps (AM)

It took me a long time to get on Twitter and that is basically because I knew what would happen. I'd become hooked on it and get lost in that weird little world. That's not exactly what happened. Or at least not in an extreme way. I know that I don't really know Alec Baldwin (thank God. I mean, I love Jack Donaghy, but talk about self-righteous) or Ewan McGregor but when you spend a lot of time on Twitter things get weird.

On Monday while innocently listening to a podcast of a radio show from the US I heard an unannounced spoiler for Breaking Bad. I felt furious. Really furious. Blood boilingly. I don't know why exactly, but I did. And for some reason I wanted to tweet about it. I felt like it was the only way I could get over my fury. By telling David Bianculli of TV Worth Watching to go fuck himself and by telling Aaron Paul what had happened. I didn't. I kept it to myself. If you call telling K about it keeping it to myself. Which I do.

And something else is happening. People I follow keep appearing in my dreams. Yeah, I know. My mum recently was laughing at the fact that when I was little I used to dream about famous people all the time. I may have grown out of this if it weren't for this crazy world we live in. The other day Joseph Gordon-Levitt was up in that brain and then on Monday night Mindy Kaling and Aziz Ansari were in my dream.

Crazy thing was I only started following Aziz that very day! Why were Mindy and Aziz in my dream. Did my brain put them together because they are Indian? Nah, probs just because they are both funny. Right? Right brain? That's why you put them there? When I woke up from that dream I thought, "Boy, J, you really got to stop looking at Twitter before bed." At which point I fell back asleep and promptly had a dream about Breaking Bad starring Jesse Pinkman. You know, Aaron Paul, who I follow on Twitter.

Hump day (PM)

Oh, hi. Oh, what? You want a post from me? Sorry, I'm too busy sitting in a laneway looking at colourways for my new bespoke jumpsuit.

HAHA. Jokies, I'm sitting in windowless office wondering why people are so dumb. Ugh. Hump day.

Now, in defence of what K said that I said (and she was telling the truth - I'm pretty sure I said those things) it does kind of make sense to have the days you are in the office at th e top of your signature. Now that I am more mature and have a baby and a 3 at the start of my age, I have this information at the end of my signature (Please note I work on Mondays and Fridays). It comes after a whole bunch of other stuff including the office address that no one will ever need. Who is reading all the way down there? I always sign my name above the auto signature anyway.

Anyway, I decided that I should look for some amusing historical hump day emails too. All I found was one where I complained that in baby class they showed us a video in slow mo of a newborn baby searching for its mother's nipple (you do not need to see that in slow motion). And an email from K suggesting I may see James Franco when I went to NYC. I didn't. I did see a man that looked a lot like Lutz from 30 Rock.

But even in New York, middle-aged, plumpish, bald men are everywhere so although I like to think it was Lutz, it could have been anyone.

Happy hump day friends.

Paradis lost (PM)

You know why you can't think of any more celebrity couples that you want to stay together, Mate? Because celebrity couples aren't worth a damn anymore. Not only can you not have any faith in them these days but the overall calibre sucks.

Celebrity couples. I feel almost nothing for them now.

I mean Brangelina! Puh-lease! Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee were more appealing than those two. Miley Cyrus and Thor's little brother? I don't even know who they are! Who could ever give a shit about those couples. Celebrity couples used to mean something. But not anymore. 

Sure, I hope Beyonce and Jay-Z stay together too. And Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger too, I mean they seem adorable. 

And I would want these guys to stay together too if I thought they were a real couple. 

And if I thought there was any chance. K-Stew is 22 for god's sake. Sure, that's practically how old I was when LB and I started going out, but we got together in Collingwood, not Hollywood. 

HEY! I just thought of one! 

Adorable Spaniards

And probably if David Bowie and Iman break-up I couldn't even say 'celebrity couple' again.

To conclude, I think that, yes, you should go and talk to a hairdresser about getting that Michelle Williams hair cut and colour. You've been talking about a transition like this a lot.

Go do.

Cheese dreams (PM)

You know last night I had pretty intense dreams and even though I woke up thinking about last night's cheese it didn't even occur to me that I'd been having cheese dreams until I read about your Beyonce dream! That dream sounds awesome by the way. I kind of love celebrity dreams. What a shame you didn't get to go out and party with Beyonce. You guys would have had the best time.

In my dream LB and I were checking out a flat to move into. It was huge and full of a big Jewish family, lots of brass instruments and European things.

Perhaps to make up for the fact I did not have celebrity dreams I kept seeing celebrity doppelgangers this morning. First I  saw a woman so beautiful it made me want to cry. She looked like this:

  

Let me just say that I think my mild hangover largely contributed to my emotional response to her beauty. 

Then I saw a man that looked like this:

 

So weird.

Haiku Thursday (AM)

The dogs of minor celebrities

I

Tim Rogers walks his 

samoyed, shit bag in hand.

Samoyed? Really

II

Traffic light tangle

Kate Cebranos bike and dog

With my dog and pram

III

Doggy once pissed on

Charlie Pickering's dog. HA!

Sorry Pickering

Oh, what brings you here?

I know we have written about this before, remember? That guy that asked Google where is missing finger was?! HAHAHA! Shit. I shouldn't laugh. I mean, maybe that guy lost a finger. I'm sorry guy. Anyway, Google brought him (I assume it was a man but that is totally sexist. I was once taught cheese making by a woman who had one or more half fingers) here.

Do you know what else has brought people to this here site? Other than Ewan McFuckingGregor (no disrespect to Ew.Mc, but seriously people move on)? Well we will get that in a minute. I will stick with Ewan for a minute. In the last month 6 of the 10 most used search phrases that lead people here are Ewan related. Including "Ewan McGregor eyes" and "Ewan McGregor trainspotting smiling". HAHA. These phrases have brought people here more than once! I'm pretty sure that if you get a picture of Ewan his eyes will be included. But this is not quite as good as a recent favourite, "Michael Fassbender sitting". I like to imagine a woman out there just thinking, "That Fassbender is so hot. I love it when he sits." And then she Googles that. Again, I am totally making sexist assumptions but it's my imagination in my heterosexual brain living in a heterodominant society. I'll imagine Fassbender fans however I want goddamnit!

Anyways, of course with all this Ewan traffic there is not much room for anything else but one search term that appeared a few times was "Sarah Michelle Gellar looks like Barbra Streisand". I love this because because SMG turned up here once and then Babs turned up here totally separately and now this ludicrous search sends people our way. Thanks Google.

Now, as you know from last Friday Miss Soft Crab knows a thing or two about celebrity doppelgangers and as you may also know SMG is not Babs' doppelganger. In fact when you ask Google Images about it you get things like this:


No, Google Images, I said Sarah Michelle Gellar. That's Jennifer Aniston you idiot!



That's still Jennifer Aniston. But why is she doing that Barbra Streisand pose?

Jesus, Aniston, this is getting embarrassing.

Seriously Google Images, don't you have any pictures of SMG and Babs?

WTF??!?!

Doppelganger

I love the doppelganger game, though Neville’s version sounds like one I may play if I hadn’t eaten for a few hours and was hysterical.

LB and I play a version of this often. Mostly because he sees regular dudes in the street all the time and thinks they are, usually minor but occasionally major, celebrities. Of course not as badly as his brother Minderbinder and Pickle, who once thought a girl at Meredith was Claire Danes. Actually.

Anyway, because of LB’s frequent mistakes it has become a game whereby whenever we see a person with a passing resemblance to someone we say that someone’s name. I like it best when the person that we see is in fact a minor celebrity but we pretend to think it is a major celebrity. Like when we see Jon Faine and say, “Look, Steven Spielberg”. Funny every time!