A tribute to Neville (PM)

There kind of is a similarity between Neville and Lily Tomlin. It's not that they look the same exactly but there is a certain je ne sais quoi.

I've loved and lost colleagues too mate, and I feel for you. First there was L-Bomb who quit to move to London for love. She's married now. Pickle, who left because she hated the job so much. She's in London now. Blephanie left. Then Legsley. I've worked with some of my besties and it's sad to see them go. But mate, Neville is just on maternity leave! SHE'LL BE BACK! You don't know what real loss is!

Also, you can't blame Neville for digging on Ben Cousins. She's from the Perth, she probably can't help it.

Have a great baby, Neville!

A tribute to Neville (AM)

On Friday, Neville, my most beloved work colleague of all time went on maternity leave. It's super awesome for her, but it's pretty much the worst thing to happen at work since the HR lady started going out with the Accounts Payable guy, which is a truly unholy union and so creepy that I am mad at myself for recalling it right now. 

I've worked with some great people over the years. Fragy. Wicketoni. Bumblebee. Oh the stories I could tell (if I could remember them, which I can't, but I know they're good). But Neville is one in a million, which is not to say that there's five more just in New South Wales, but that there can never be another Neville. 

Neville and I have worked together for about 5 years. She got me my current job, more or less. She is one of the funniest people you could ever meet, with some of the best dance moves you could ever see. She is also the best kind of colleague, because she and I think pretty much exactly the same way about work matters, and most other matters too. Though I think she finds Ben Cousins attractive, which is where our paths diverge. 

Neville is the person who would always says "yes" every single time I asked the question "is today a pork roll kind of day?". 

She would narrow her eyes and nod every single time I said something like "you know what really shits me about this place?". 

Every single time I'd walk out of a meeting in my boss' office, Neville would crack the same joke. She would look at me sympathetically and ask "do you need me to help you pack up your desk?" and honestly readers, it killed me every time.

Drunk at some Christmas party, Neville decided that the celebrity that she most looks like is Lily Tomlin, and about once every six months she would email me the picture above and say "seriously, I look just like her". She kind of does. 

Everyone should have a Neville at their workplace. I guess I was lucky that I had such a good run of it. And that I still get to see her in real life, like I did last night when we went out to dinner and she sang me a Kevin Bloody Wilson song as she drove me home. Or the other night when I went over to her house to watch the footy, and when she opened the front door she told me "I've taken my bra off - I'm just letting you know." 

You're the one Neville. I'm going to miss the shit out of you lady. 

It's a wonderful night for Oscar (AM)

The Oscars is on tonight.
Hooray!
It's full of things I love. 
Hunks!
Ladies wearing pretty dresses!
Also, it's full things I hate.
Actors saying dumb things.
Ladies wearing fugly dresses.
Tom Hanks.

I guess it's not a total party.
The Oscars experience is kind of like the reality TV experience. You hate most of the people on it, but watching them say dumb stuff and then getting the occasional glimpse of someone you like makes for very compelling viewing. And of course, there is always the possibility that someone is going to wear something beautiful.

Like this.

Remember this? It is the yellow dress Michelle Williams wore that year she and Health Ledger were in Brokeback Mountain.
I think I speak for both halves of the crab when I say that this is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever worn, and the most beautiful anyone has ever looked, ever. Of all the Oscars dresses that came before and all that have come after, none can hold a candle to this one. And it's not just that it is a beautiful cut and a beautiful colour and fits her perfectly, though it certainly is all of those things. This dress as something else altogether. You know what it was like when you were little and looked at pictures of your parents as young people? How they seem so young and beautiful and so carefree and elegant, and how it would make your little-kid heart ache a bit? Well that's how I feel when I look at this dress.

I guess my view of it and how beautiful she looked in it is tied up in the whole Heath/Michelle love story. I mean, it seemed like they were in love the way people in the movies are in love, and the fact that they broke up and then he died - forget about it.  The whole thing just seemed so sad.

Anyway. That dress rules.
And it is so far ahead of all the others that I pretty much don't expect to see anything I like as much, ever. But, women who are attending the Oscars, I'd be delighted to be proved wrong!

Haiku Thursday Goes Rogue (PM)

AM rogue haiku right here

Foggy Doggy, redux

History books, take note:

J's right, Doggy is the best

Fact, not opinion.

PS

Speaking of best things

Phwoar, Rafael Nadal. Phwoar!

Am I right, ladies?

Haiku Thursday Goes Rogue (AM)

I know that Haiku Thursday happens on Thursdays, but this thing is out of control. Because yesterday was a public holiday Haiku Thursday insisted on appearing today! This thing is bigger than all of us.

Foggy Doggy

No disrespecting

The other dogs of the world

But my guy's the best

Butter: An MSC Tribute

Butter, I love you on all breads. Not with other things. You go to waste on a salad sandwich. But on your own you shine. You are good on white bread and on multigrain. But I love you on rye bread best of all. I think it is the way rye bread is so fragrant and a little bit sweet. It is a beautiful marriage with you, butter. Your salty, creamy deliciousness. In debate about same sex marriage people often say that the definition of marriage is between a man and a woman. But the marriage of flavors of butter and rye bread is as beautiful as any heterosexual marriage goddamn it.

Butter, I love you with corn too. Char grilled, sweet, hot corn. When you and corn get together you turn two nice simple things into a really beautiful thing. Butter, when you get on corn it's like when the dorky girl takes her glasses off in a movie so we can realise how beautiful she is.

You used to be cream, butter. Then they churned you from one beautiful thing into another. How do you do it. Cream! Butter!

Without you, garlic bread is nothing. And where would croissants be!?

Of course I don't eat you all the time butter. But that doesn't mean I don't care about you. I just thought you should know.

Everything K says is true*

I could not agree with you more. Moving house sucks the most. The packing, the cleaning. Nor could I agree with you more about the awesomeness of Doggy. I would go so far as to say he is the best dog ever, though some may say I am biased.

Of course I never knew Hachiko personally, but I have drunk many beers and chu-hai by his statue and thought about his lovely story. And I have no doubt he was an awesome dog and I always enjoyed drinking by his statue. But Doggy, he is so loving, so thoughtful, so sweet, so smart. World's first smart Irish Setter, some might say. He is a real top dog.

Here he is on the day we moved out of our last real house. An awful day really, but there was Doggy by our side.


And here he is in the sunshine. Just looking really handsome.


Doggy really is the best.

*Everything K says in her post from this morning is true. I am not vouching for the rest.

Will Minson: An MSC tribute

This is Will Minson.
He plays for the Western Bulldogs. Say hello, Will Minson.

I sometimes see Will Minson around the traps in North Fitzroy. Once I saw him at Piedemontes. Another time I just saw him walking down the street. You don't normally see footy players around these parts, so it makes me think he mustn't be your average footy playing guy, and that makes me like him.

Also, Will Minson is one of those players that commentators like to rubbish a lot. That makes me like him too. Will Minson is doing his best commentators, give him a break!
Last year, Will Minson basically got iodine poisoning because he was consuming a lot of contaminated Bonsoy. That made me think Will Minson is really adorable. What kind of footballer gets sick from drinking too much soy milk? Will Minson, that's who!

Last night, Will Minson was at the same restaurant as J and I for a fancy dinner that will be the subject of a future Miss Soft Crab post. It looked like he was just out for a nice dinner with some of his crew. Here he is leaning over the table perusing the menu:


Obviously that is a terrible photo, but I didn't want to disturb Will Minson. Anyway, Will Minson was totally in my eye line all night, and over the course of the evening I became more and more convinced that Will Minson must be a super nice guy. I mean there he was, on a Monday night, having a nice meal with his people instead of doing the other things people who play football do on Monday night. (I have no idea what those things might be). He was all unassuming and discrete, which is fairly difficult when you are super tall. It just seemed very charming to me. At first J was excited only by the fact that he was very tall and played football. She said "He's very tall!" to which I replied "Yes, he's so handsome!" to which she replied "That's not what I said".
But when I got home, there was an email from J which simply said:

DID YOU KNOW THIS?: "Off the field, Minson is known for his intelligence and multi-faceted abilities - he is an excellent saxophonist, speaks fluent German and is currently studying civil engineering at the University of Melbourne."

That's when I knew that Will Minson should be the subject of the second* Miss Soft Crab tribute.
Will Minson, Miss Soft Crab thinks you are lovely. Good luck with your job as a footballer, and don't listen to those commentators. Listen to us!


*Here is the first, for those who need reminding.

Ewan McGregor: an MSC tribute

Yesterday, I listened to a radio interview with a guy who has just made a semi-autobiographical film about how his seventy year old father came out as gay following the death of his mother. He seemed like super nice guy and the film sounds super great. Also, Ewan McGregor is in it. That’s right. Ewan McGregor. No doubt you all have your own opinions on Ewan McGregor, but let me tell you, we here at Miss Soft Crab love Ewan like no other. I think I speak for both of us when I say our feelings for Marky Mark are brotherly in comparison with our feelings for Ewan. Lets look back at some of Ewan’s greatest hits.

Here he is circa 1990s, around the time of Shallow Grave when we first met and fell in love with him.

Who else looked this good in 1994?

Here he his in Trainspotting, being an adorable trashbag.

Here is as Obi-Wan Kenobi. Check out those inter-galactic bedroom eyes.

Here his is in Moulin Rouge, doing more for Nicole Kidman’s career than ten years of marriage to Tom Cruise ever achieved.

Here he is on his motorcycle adventures.

Now we have to pause for a moment and reflect on the fact that Ewan has been in a lot of films that I really don’t want to see because they seem really crap, such as The Island, co starring ScarJo; Miss Potter, co-starring Renee Zelwegger; and Angels and Demons, the sequel to the DaVinci Code (though he does play a member of the Pope’s staff in this film, which kind of appeals to me). Despite being in all these duds, everyone still loves Ewan which to me, just goes to show what a top shelf guy he is. It also justifies inclusion of some random pictures, because I think we have established that he’s not great because of the movies he is in, he is just great.

So on behalf of all (both) of us here at MSC, thank you Ewan for being so awesome. Seriously, thanks Ewan McGregor.

If I were Jay-Z

I'm afraid that this is the closest I can get to being Jay-Z.
I love your album, BTW.

J: MISS SOFT CRAB is incredible—aesthetically, culturally … When did you get the idea to start it and how long have you been working on it?

K: Great question Mate, what do you base your answer on? Well, as you know, I’ve been spending half my working day emailing you for years now, and I guess I started to feel like it was getting pretty ridiculous, and I should probably start making more of an effort to do more work. But how to do enough work to respect myself while also maintaining the delightful to and fro of ideas that I have enjoyed with you for so long? What happens when I have something to say about foods, about things that have happened, or about gentlemens? What happens when YOU have something to say about these things? It took a pretty long time to figure out that maybe we should write a bloggy, but once we did Miss Soft Crab was born.

J: I love seeing everything through your filter, how do you decide what you are going to cover? How personal is this?

K: I don’t understand this business about my filter. Is a filter a thing that I have, like a gallbladder? If so, I feel weird about people looking at ‘everything’ through it. Get your own filter people! Plus, here at MSC we don’t talk about everything, we just talk about some things. We decide on those things based on the fact that that’s the stuff we talk about all the time. We talk about those things over and over. To say that we talk about everything is really overstating it.

J: As someone who has walked through museums with you, eaten with you, heard music with you, I know firsthand how creativity in all areas lifts your consciousness. Do you feel that as a cultural figure of importance it is part of your responsibility to share what inspires you?

K: Totes. People need to hear about what I have eaten, what is going on with my friends, how I feel about Marky Mark and other hunks. They need to hear about this because I am really special – fact, not opinion. It’s my responsibility to share the specialness, share my thoughts about things. If you expect me to shirk this responsibility then you are going to be majorly disappointed.

J: In one word answers, name someone or something in food, music, art and design, style, and sports that inspires you today and your favorite spot to be leisurely.

K:

• Food: OASIS BAKERY. I liked it how they knew that even though felafel wraps are a great meal, sometimes you need chips to go with them. But mainly I loved that hot sauce that tasted like what would happen if chilli and vinegar spent a beautiful night together and had a baby.

• Music: MUPPETS. I like how they sing everything they think and feel. And I like how they move their arms around when they dance. They pretty much have only one dance move, which I relate to.
• Art: Oh come on Mate, give a girl a break. I like all the stuff I am supposed to like, OK? Lets just leave it at that.
• Style: WELL DRESSED OLD LADIES. Those well groomed ones you see in groups in the city sometimes. I love those ladies and I want them to teach me how to look nice.
• Sports: I like these guys.

• And my favorite spot to be leisurely is everywhere, all the time. Naturally.

J: You are the coolest (wo) man on Earth, how the f did you get like that?

K: I try really hard all the time, and I copy other people who seem like they are cool. That’s how. Oh, and if you want to be cool like me, you should probably have said ‘how the fuck’ instead of ‘how the f’. People think swearing is really cool.

If I were GOOP...

Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow emailed Jay-Z and said, “I love your new site. Can I ask you five questions about it?” Jay-Z said, “I’ll show you mine if you let me see yours.” And the whole affair was pretty nauseating. We decided to do a fuckyoute tribute and answer their questions ourselves.

KK: The public at large is discovering your ability to sing. When did you first discover you had that talent?

J: Are they? My mother has a terrible voice but was always singing around the house, so god knows where my brother and sister and I got our musicality from. I’ve pretty much always known I had this awesome ability to sing. I always thought that somewhere down the line I would dust off my pipes and use them. I haven’t. But yeah, I guess it was pretty great when karaoke became a normal thing to do. I felt happy that I could share my gift with other people. What I don’t really understand is why GOOP sang at Royal Albert Hall with Jay-Z when I don't get invited to sing anywhere! That was a surprise to me as much as anybody else. .

KK: Personally I was very surprised at your extensive knowledge of hip-hop songs. Particularly how you can sing ’90s hip-hip songs word for word. I can’t even do that! How does a girl from Wesley discover hip-hop?

J: Well, like GOOP and every other white girl over 30 I first was exposed to hip-hop when I was a kid in the late 80s. There was the Beastie Boys, Public Enemy, Run-DMC, LL Cool J, N.W.A . Frankly I don’t understand why you think it's a big deal, let alone why Jay-Z thinks it is a big deal, to know the lyrics to some ‘90s hip hop. Listen to some hip-hop Jay-Z. Sheesh.

KK: Does that extend to pop and rock music as well? Did you do the whole lace gloves circa Madonna and flannel shirts in the ’90s circa Kurt?

JL: Yes.

KK: Speed round: Miles or Coltrane?

JL: Pah, jazz, who gives a shit.I can just imagine GOOP and Jay-Z sitting around listening to Miles Davis together. So gross.

KK: The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?

JL: Beatles

KK: Patsy Cline or Billie Holiday?

JL: Groan, Paltrow thinks she is so good loving all that black music. I’m not afraid to say Patsy. I think Billie is so great, but I love this song so much.

KK: Biggie or PAC?

JL: Biggie. Of course.

KK: Michael or Prince?

JL: Prince. It pains me that GOOP and I have so many of the same answers.

KK: And finally, would you ever make a solo album?

JL: God! YES PLEASE! Mate, I have never, ever wished you were anyone but you, but right now I really wish you were Jay-Z so you could produce my solo album. I’m totally covering that Patsy Cline song on it. God, what else is going to be on it...I guess ‘I think I love you’. And Purple Rain. A 25 minute extended mega mix. My album would be so much better than GOOP by GOOP.