Superbad (AM)

Superbad. What an enjoyable movie. God, I wish I was writing about that instead of the very bad movie Superman Returns. I know I am about 5 years late but it was on TV the other night and I have to get a few things of my chest.

Do you know who I don't ever think about? The guy who played Superman in Superman Returns. No-one thinks about that guy. Who is that guy? Casting agent, director, producer, whoever put that guy in there, um, WTF? I don't have a problem with nobodies getting cast in stuff, that's how nobodies become somebodies, but after watching a few minutes of that awful, awful movie on TV the other night, I just think maybe you could have put someone more handsome, charismatic, weird, better, anything in that role. I kind of suspect that when Superman Returns was made it was part of some sort of plan like the producers in The Producers concoct. You know? A sure-fire failure.

I mean that guy who played Superman, Kate Bo(re)sworth, the guy that plays Kumar in the Harold and Kumar movies as a henchman. Again, I know dudes shouldn't get typecast, but seriously, Kumar as a henchman? Menacing Kumar?

I remember when I saw the trailer for this movie when it first came out it I was bored senseless. I knew the movie would suck dog’s balls. But that is because I did not know how POWERFUL it was. Like the moment that Lois realises Lex Luther is back from somewhere (I don't know where or what or why, I pretty much have no idea of the premise of this film except Superman used to be around then he went away and then he returned. I guess Lex followed a similar trajectory). Anyway Lois is investigating something and takes her son onto a boat to look for someone (seriously I have no idea what was going on). She walks onto the boat. Her slow walk and the music tell me to be nervous. She walks down a long hallway (another cue to make me nervous). She walks into a room. Suddenly she looks shocked and afraid! SHIT! (We are cued to think.) WHAT HAS SHE SEEN?!?!?!?!

WWWIIIIGGGGSSSSSS!!!!

Wigs. Seriously. The fuckin' camera pans slowly over a collection of wigs while menacing music plays! You see, that’s how she realises Lex is back.

Seriously, was this movie an actual joke? I just want to know. I don’t think I can take any more of this kind of thing.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Poo

Have you seen the fourth Indiana Jones movie? Indiana Jones at Castle Greyskull or something like that. Me neither. Well not really.

It was on TV the other night and I saw a few minutes of it. The best thing I can say about it is that this post just started writing itself in my head pretty much immediately and I was reminded of this hilarious thing I read about Shia LaBeouf a while ago. This article summed up everything I "feel" about that guy if this could be called "feelings".

What a freaking ridiculous movie! So it got me thinking about the other IJ movies. I have not seen those movies in a long time. It is hard to say if it is because I was a kid when I saw them but they did not seem ridiculous in the same way as IJ4. Watching even a few minutes of this latest film kind of angered me. The earlier films, though, I liked a lot. I know they are ridiculous in a way, but a much more acceptable way. I don't know if it is because of the age I was when I saw them or because they were made in the 80s. Ridiculousness worked so much better then. A time when Weekend at Bernie's seemed like not just a reasonable premise for one movie, but also for a sequel. So no wonder the Indiana Jones movies seemed ok.

As I'm sure most normal people haven't seen IJ4, let me tell you some of the stupidest shit that happened in the 10 minutes I saw. Shia LaBeouf appeared on the screen heaps. As if that wasn't bad enough he conducted some sort of sword fight with the villain, Cate Blanchett, straddled over two cars. Yes. She is standing atop one car and his party is driving next to her in another car so he is standing with one leg on each car. And they are driving through a jungle of course. So he keeps getting hit in the nuts by foliage so you see he has to cup his hand over them while he is fighting. WHAT THE EFF?

A little bit later Indiana Jones is fighting a Nazi who he punches down. The Nazi hits the ground and is then carried off by a swarm of giant ants into their anthill. No doubt to be devoured. I am not making this shit up! I wish I was. Then maybe someone would give me shitloads of money to make an awful film.

I know that in previous movies one guy dies when another man sticks his heart through his chest and rips out his heart. In another a Nazi's face melts off. But this death by ants is something else all together.

This latest film does mimic the rhythm of the earlier films very well. That was actually a bit speci... no I'm sorry I tried to be generous. I can't.

The best thing about most things

Remember how I texted you the other night when The Happening was on TV and you were all, “The Crappening” and I was all “No way this movie is awesome, it is so hilarious”? Fuck, it is so hilarious. The menacing wind. HAHAHHAHAHA. Oh, oh god, that menacing wind was so good. It’s making me happy just thinking about it. And all the close ups on Marky Mark’s face! HA!

I mean, I would never EVER disrespect Marky Mark, but god, that was so funny. The Happening was pretty much the funniest movie I’ve seen ages. Anyways, remember how you were all, “Marky Mark is the best thing about that movie.” And I was all, “Marky Mark is pretty much the best thing about most things”? Well I’ve just been thinking about Marky Mark since then, well, you know since 1997, but I guess more intensely in the last week or so and I thought it would be nice to think about the many things to which Marky Mark has contributed. Most recently I’d have to say the Oscars.

I don’t think he actually did anything at the Oscars (yet another reason why they were so totally lame) but he did sit in the audience. And he produced and starred in The Fighter which won all those awards and which led to that resounding phrase of the night, “Thanks to Mark Wahlberg.” Exactly what we have been thinking all these years! Thank you Marky Mark. Thank you.

He also contributed a lot to the hilarious movie Date Night. I actually really liked that movie. It was funny, but you know what was extra special about it?! The filmmakers knew what a goldmine they had with Marky Mark. And they didn’t squander it. Like we’ve seen time and time again. Most criminally in that god awful movie Planet of the Apes. Now I try not to think about that film too often because it still makes me angry. For so many reasons. The trailer had so much promise. I remember feeling like it was going to be this kind of awesome Hollywood epic. And what was it? Basically two hours of pure crap. And what was the worst thing about it? Not once, not even one single time in this pointless two hours did Marky Mark get his shirt off. Look, I don’t want to sound like a dirty trash bag and I certainly do not go to movies to see Marky Mark take his shirt off, but for god’s sakes if you are making one of the worst movies in the history of movies and Marky Mark is in it, wouldn’t you want to give the people something, just something to enjoy. I don’t even think it’s weird that I think this. I think it is weird that a movie about an astronaut who crash lands on a JUNGLE PLANET doesn’t rip his shirt. A guy gets taken PRISONER and he doesn’t have his shirt taken! And we are supposed to believe this. What an awful, awful film. But thank you Marky Mark. The only thing that meant I didn’t walk out of the cinema. I am pretty sure that Franco is not going to get his shirt off in The Rise of the Planet of the Apes, let's just hope he doesn't have to.

But this ain’t about hating. It’s about loving. Marky Mark. And you know, I'm not superficial, I don't just like Marky Mark when he get's his shirt off. Not at all, he doesn't even have to be on screen. I mean, how about Entourage? Pretty much one of my favourite shows ever and Marky Mark is hardly ever in it, but he is behind it and it is awesome. I basically named my son after one of the characters (E, obviously). So many golden moments. Thank you Marky Mark.

I guess I just wanted to take a little time to say thanks.