History sure is cool

K was right yesterday. History is amazing. All those many, many thousands of years people have been getting by. They didn't have Netflix or showers but it was ok because they didn't even know about Netflix or showers. But some things would have sucked. Like the possibility you could get chucked in a peat bog. To think about human history is pretty amazing. But history goes back further than that. How about dinosaurs. When I stop to think about the fact that they actually existed and aren't just a creation to fill sci-fi movies and cover children's pyjamas my tiny mind is always blown. And what about before that?! First there were just tiny organisms and they evolved into all the things that have ever been on the earth. What!?!?

I don't just get this feeling of awe and delight when I think about the entire history of the world though. I also have it when I see a giraffe and then think about them in the wild. What a crazy creature.

Remembering stuff (AM)

I have memories in my brain that seem so improbable I sometimes wonder if they are real. Like once K and I were at the pub for a friend's 21st and this guy we had just met who seemed like a bit of a dick went to the supermarket to get a snack and came back eating a capsicum. Just chomping on a capsicum like it is was an apple. Really?! I mean that guy was just a bit of a dick and I guess he liked eating capsicum. It happened. But really?!

Another time K and I were hanging out on the roof of my old apartment building one night and the moon just appeared to fall out of the sky behind the horizon. We both saw it, we weren't high and we don't know what the eff happened. But it happened.

And once when LB and I were on holiday in Japan, at the end of a day at Ueno zoo we saw a huge bird waddle out of a little house in an enclosure, eat some food and waddle back with the zoo keeper as if they were best buds.

This is a picture I stole off the internet but it totally represents what I saw that day

Despite Tokyo being full of tourists the signs at the zoo were mainly in Japanese with just random ones being translated into English. And because it was right at the end of our trip to Japan and at the end of our day at the zoo I couldn't take any photos because my memory card was full. That zoo has a really amazing array of animals and a fantastic bird collection including puffins and flamingos and vultures. But the enclosures are pretty depressing for the most part and the day was somewhat conflicted. And then right at the end we walked past an enclosure with no idea what was meant to be in there and that's when the zoo keeper emerged with his grey, feathered friend that was about three quarters his height.

The way that the bird and man emerged together and the funny waddle of the bird made him seem so human somehow. Or rather, like an anthropomorphised cartoon bird. Even at the time I remember wondering what the fuck I was watching and if that bird wasn't a guy in a suit. If that bird was for real. For years I actually did kind of question the experience and then one day I found out what that bird was. I don't know if LB somehow knew or I saw a picture or maybe I did a search on birds at Ueno zoo, but one day I just knew that what I'd seen was a shoebill.

Here are some pictures I found on the internet. When I saw them I knew that even the cartoonishness of the bird in my memory was legit.

Guys, doesn't nature just blow your mind?! I mean look at that face! If you have never seen one of these in real life I can not recommend a trip to Tokyo highly enough.

This is not a post about how old I am (AM)

I sometimes find myself asking rhetorical questions about the space-time continuum, because you know, space is fixed and time is just an abstract, man-made concept so the combination could be pretty chaotic. But I try not to think about it too much. Individually you'd think that there aren't a lot of questions. Space is space, time is time, let's call the whole thing off!

A few weeks ago I was at the Jean Paul Gaultier exhibition at the NGV, it was beautifully presented and full of wonderful things. It was also full of people and lots of school groups.I  I looked at this photo:

And moved on. And then I heard a girl of about 14 say, "It's from Vogue 1993." I didn't really think anything of it for a second, just wondered why she'd make that comment. And then it occurred to me that the photo would have been taken nearly ten years before that girl was born. It was basically the same as me standing in a gallery in 1993 looking at a photo from Vogue 1971.

But 1971 seems like some other place altogether. And I am sure that in 1993 if I'd seen a picture from 1971 Vogue I would have imagined that time as being very different. Glamourous, exciting, long ago. But I guess half of that has to do with Vogue. So I wondered, was that girl imagining 1993 as a significantly different time? A historic time? Back then there was no internet or smart phones. In fact there were only brick mobile phones, and they were only for rich people. River Phoenix was even alive for most of it. But that 14-year-old girl probably doesn't even know who that is. I mean, doesn't that blow your mind?! That 1993 can seem as historic as 1971! Personally I find something kind of disturbing about it all. I know I'm 20 years older than people in their mid-teens but then I think about what that means in the grand scheme of things it's mind blowing.

How about the fact that when you are a kid time drags.  I would put any money on this year feeling to Baby like it goes on forever, but for me I have no doubt it will pass in the blink of an eye. Perspective, I guess they call it. Miguel and I were talking recently about how that is, that a week or month or year for a kid takes for ever and for an adult it just feels like time actually flies by. He suggested it may be that a kid is learning things all the time, every day something happens that is a big deal, so each day is more significant, creating a sense of size for each day, making it longer. It is an idea I like a lot but I think it has more to do with what we want. When you are a kid you want to be old enough to do all the cool shit and it seems so far away. You're just waiting for that time to come when you are the boss, so of course time drags. But as an adult you just want to hang on to youth and health and beauty and all that good shit that you realise is fleeting, the perspective is exactly opposite of a child's, so little wonder the sense of time is. Still weird though. But I guess if anything is going to blow your mind, it is going to be an abstract man-made concept.  

Safari magic (AM)

When I was little my mum had these two eyeshadows. They were in little clay pots the shape of a Winnie the Poo honey pot and inside were the most shimmery metallic eyeshadows I'd ever seen. One blue and one green. On the one hand I knew they were just my mum's eyeshadow and on the other hand they seemed so magical. Like so magical I felt it in my chest. So even though I knew they were my mum's eyeshadow I kind I felt like they had a secret life as magical fairy dust and playing with them would take me away to a special place. Being a kid is awesome in that respect, you know the difference between reality and fantasy but you can feel that fantasy world, feel that maybe somewhere it does exist. I guess that's what being religious is like.

As you know my mind gets blown all the time but I can't get that magic feeling back and I guess because of that it is hard for me to know what seems magic or mind-blowing to kids. It was Baby's birthday on the weekend and I found this book, a totally mind-blowing book. Now I'm not saying it made me believe in  magic but I loved it so much I couldn't stop swearing in amazement at the shopgirl. In the toy shop. I felt like maybe if I'd seen it as a kid I would have got that special feeling. This is it:*

We also gave Baby a remote control car and little toy skeletons so I guess he was distracted. But...um...did you notice that the book looks like a TELEVISION IN A BOOK! Or like a book from Harry Potter. Ok so Baby is not versed in the world of HP but he is well versed in the real world of books and television and how never the twain shall meet! And yet he just wanted to play with his $2 shop skeletons. Well who am I to judge. I loved to play with magic eyeshadow. 

I guess I jut want it on the record that of I was my own mother I would be a kickass present giver!**

*Sorry about the crappy video. It's been a rough weekend. Also it seems I can't see it on my iPhone so check out someone else's video here on YouTube if you want your mind BENT.

**Not that there is anything wrong with my mother's present-giving skills. She buys me excellent presents once I've told her what to get. 

Wednesday wonders - watermelon (AM)

Regular readers of this blog must think my brain is a total light weight, the frequency with which it is blown. But it's like the ads for SBS used to say, the world is an amazing place. So what's blowing my mind this week? Good question!

It's not just that watermelons are delicious. I mean most fruits are. Watermelons aren't even close to my favourite. Maybe that's too harsh, They are in the top 10. Probably. Whatever. The thing that blows my mind about watermelons is that they are huge and they have this very hard green shell and this soft, sweet, watery, PINK flesh. I mean, does that not blow your mind?

Think about discovering them! Watermelons are originally from Africa. Hot ass Africa and these sweet bastards just grow wild there. What a delight! I just think that, even though watermelons are not as delicious as mangoes or a good apricot, they are the most magical fruit. Apparently watermelon seeds were found in Tutankhamun's tomb! But I really hope they were not only for fancy people. I guess they are native so probably they are and have been widely available in Africa. According to the bible the Jews ate watermelons when enslaved by Pharaoh in Egypt! I guess watermelons were too bulky for them to take when fleeing, what a shame though, imagine watermelons at passover!

And they need bees for pollination! I know lots of things do, but growing watermelons requires a growers to have a beehive per acre! I kind of love that! And I wonder about watermelon honey! Why isn't that a thing?!

Watermelons, guys! Watermelons!

Amazing Animals (PM)

That is a motherflipping worm?!?!?! WOW! Sea creatures are the best!

I always see this book about squat lobsters. Which aren't even lobsters at all! They are more closely related to the porcelain crab! Anyway this is what the cover of the book looks like:

WHOA, right?

Here is another squat lobster:

CUTE!

And here is a porcelain crab:

Shit! Who knew crustaceans were so beautiful!?

But me, I'm a jellyfish person myself. Now those are my favourite.

That's it! I'm going to the aquarium tomorrow!

Amazing Animals (AM)

Anyone who knows us knows that we are total beach babes. Hell, you don't even have to know us to know that. If you just saw us walking down the street you would think oh man, where's the surf ladies? because our whole look and feel screams beach babe.

HAHAHAHA.That is a total lie. We do not look like beach babes at all. We look like this:  

Thor Friendship is coming.

But J is in love with a beach babe and I'm pretty sure Baby is a beach babe waiting to happen. But that's beside the point.

What is the point? Oh that's right.

Yesterday, I was tinkering about in the internet and I found a picture of an underwater creature that totally blew my mind, even more than the fathead sculpin fish. 

Readers: behold the Spirobranchus giganteus, also known as the red and white Christmas tree worm.

WHAT THE EFF YOU GUYS?!?!?

Does that thing just totally blow your minds, or what?

It blows my mind so much that I just invented that whole fake beach babe introduction thing so I could get you all thinking about marine environs and then post about it, even though the introduction has nothing really to do with this worm. 

Who even know worms lived under the sea? Not me! And who even knew worms could look like that? Again, not me!

I've seen it all. 

That's all, readers. Have a lovely day. 

Things that blow my mind: Nose jobs (PM)

Yeah, get a real nose Jennifer Grey. You were really cute back in the day. All the success you were ever going to have, you had with your old nose. It did right by you, lady. Dirty Dancing AND Ferris Buellers Day Off. You were in the shit out of both those movies. You think that's an easy thing to pull off? It's not easy. But you pulled it off! And then yet you let your hang ups take over and convince you to hack away at your own face.

You disappoint me so much Jennifer Grey. Don't you know how much we all wanted to be you (kind of)?
Don't you know how lucky you were to have gone on holiday to Kellermans? All those activities! All those hunks! All that losing of virginity! You know where we used to go on family holidays, Jennifer Grey? Echuca. Once we went to Merimbula. Another time we went to Lake Eildon. You know how many people lose their virginity at Lake Eildon? Probably heaps actually. But not me, Jennifer Grey, not me. I was too busy scrounging around the car to find loose change so I could get a Cornetto, then getting punched in the arm by my brothers so they could take the Cornetto off me and eat it themselves. Does that sound like the kind of thing that would inspire someone to write She's Like the Wind? Eff you, Jennifer Grey. You had it all, but you threw it away.

Obviously I realise that Jennifer Grey didn't actually get to go to Kellermans on holidays and Patrick Swayze didn't actually write She's Like the Wind for her, but this is our blog guys, and we just write what we feel.

Things that blow my mind - Nose jobs (AM)

A little while ago I was hanging out on amazon.com thinking about things I might like to buy and thought that Dirty Dancing would be a great addition to my meagre DVD collection. So I found a copy for eight bucks and added it to my cart but then I decided that I couldn't just buy every damn thing that popped into my head so I left Amazon without spending a cent. Then, a couple of weeks ago I was back on Amazon buying some books, which seemed like a totally legitimate thing to be doing, and when I got to the virtual checkout Dirty Dancing was still in my virtual cart and I decided, what the hell, I'm getting that bad boy.

So it arrived and I put it on the shelf thinking about how sweet it would be when I really felt like watching that movie and I would just be able to! Then on Saturday night I was home alone with a sleeping baby and I realised that I hadn't even checked if the DVD was region sensitive so I thought I really better just make sure it worked on my DVD player.

When I put it in the player the menu came up so that seemed like a good sign, but to be sure I pressed play. Now this is some anniversary edition or something and there is an 'introduction' by Jennifer Grey ('Hi, I'm Jennifer Grey, I hope you enjoy Dirty Dancing') now I know we all know that J.Grey got a nose job and looks totally different now, but, shit you guys she looks so different now.

 

Luckily for all of us she doesn't get a lot of work so we don't have to remember her nose job too often, that's why it was such a rude reminder when I saw it on Saturday night.

Can you imagine looking a way for all your life and then waking up one day and looking like a totally different person!? I cant/don't want to even imagine! Now if that isn't a mind bender I don't know what is!

Friday Favourites: Coffee (AM)

My office is on the 23rd floor of a building that mainly belongs to a large telecommunications company we will call PhoneTown. When I catch the lift to my office, I almost always share it with between 1 and 10 dudes from PhoneTown. And when I say dudes, I mean dudes. I swear there are 20 PhoneTown dudes for every PhoneTown lady. And not in that good way.

From time to time, usually when there is no one else on the lift,  dudes from PhoneTown will try to strike up a conversation with me. Without exception, these conversations are totally lame - some of the lamest I have ever had in fact. And I say that as someone who loves talking about lame shit, so you know it got to be bad. When I'm on the lift with a PhoneTown brother and I hear that tell-tale intake of breath that means I am about to talk to you, I just want to slap my forehead. But instead I smile and nod and listen to the dumb shit they say while privately thinking  uncharitable thoughts. Par example:

"Another day, another dollar, right?" *eyeroll*
"You can't possibly work at PhoneTown. You look way too happy!". Thanks for ruining my buzz, d-bag.
"So what's on Level 23?" Your mother!

However, of all the dumb shit dudes from PhoneTown have said to me, by far the dumbest thing was said to me just the other day. It was first thing in the morning, so I was holding a cup of coffee. Dude said:
"You've got a coffee. That's a good way to start the morning."
He said it like no one has ever thought to start the day with a coffee before. And he looked at me all expectantly, like he had astutely picked up on a special interest of mine, and like maybe we would bond because we were the only two people in the world who think it is a good idea to start the day with a coffee. I really had to make an effort not to laugh and say "Oh, brother!". I mean, that is the kind of lame comment that makes you feel a little offended on behalf of your brain and  ears. I got off the lift and walked to my desk, reflecting on what had just happened and shaking my head slowly.  It wasn't until I sat down that I actually took a sip of my coffee. Of course, the second I did so, all my troubles melted away because coffee is the most delicious and wonderful thing and every cup I have, I fall in love all over again.
Two sips in I was thinking you know what PhoneTown guy? You are effing right.You're not lame, you're just getting back to basics.  Now that I am not on a coffee high I have reverted to thinking that PhoneTown guy was really lame, but when I'm drinking that stuff, you can tell me anything and I won't care, because it's just me and the coffee guys. It's just me and the coffee.

Ever since that morning I've kind of reconnected with my love for coffee. It's been so great! I have been paying extra special attention to how delicious it is, instead of just throwing it back so I can stop jonesing. I think you should all do the same.

So lets hear it for coffee. Today's Friday Favourite. A little cup of miracles that you can enjoy whenever you want for only $3.50 or thereabouts.



This is what this morning's coffee looked like.



Things that I don't understand: Part 1 in a series

Obviously there are lots of things that I don't understand in the world, because the world is mysterious and confusing. Here are just a couple that have been on my mind lately.

The number one trillion
Everybody knows that numbers like one trillion are so big that they are practically impossible to understand. Everybody (most people) also knows that I am quite lazy and therefore never bothered trying to understand how big one trillion is.  Why would I try to understand one trillion when I could  live in a fools paradise where numbers like that have no place? Well, I was listening to the radio recently and someone said that one trillion is to one million as one million is to one dollar.
WOW. I thought to myself. I totally understand that! And WOW, I also thought to myself, one trillion is a really big number. I felt really great about knowing it.  But when I tried to pass this exciting knowledge on to some people at a backyard paella party recently, they told me that in fact one trillion can mean different things depending on the mode of calculation. Serves me right for having super smart friends I guess (J & Legsly: I'm referring to both of you here. I'm pretty sure Blephanie was as surprised as I was by this news about the number one trillion). But back to the number. WTF!? Since when is a number not actually the number you think it is? Do the people who figure out numbers think that because a trillion is so big they can just mess around with it? God nerds, why do you have to make it so hard??!! No wonder people don't like you.

Ned Kelly's bones and Mitochondrial eve

You couldn't walk five paces in this town last week without running in to a news story about Ned Kelly's bones. Here is one. Here is another. And here is one from the New York Times! There are two aspects of this that I don't really understand. First, I simply do not get why people are so hung up about Ned Kelly's bones. I mean, they had to be somewhere, didn't they? What does it matter if they are in an unmarked grave at a prison, in a museum or are in a nice family grave at a place called Greta where all his other peeps are (and must be a very nice with a name like Greta). What difference does it make? I know that he is everyone's favourite anti-hero, but that myth has been well and truly made y'all. Surely an old set of bones can't add to it!?
Even though I don't understand the bone obsession, of course I read all these articles because it is fun to indulge these things, and the science that allowed them to discover that the bones belonged to Neddy is very interesting. Apparently mitochondrial DNA was the real star of this show. Do you guys know about mitochondrial DNA? Wikipedia can tell you all about it if not. Did you know it is exclusively inherited from the mother? It's true. And did you also know that because mitochondrial DNA is exclusively inherited from the mother, folks can trace it all the way back to a common ancestor called Mitochondrial Eve who lived 200 000 years ago in East Africa ? It's also totally true! This lady connects every single one of us on our mothers sides! Doesn't that just blow your freaking minds?
It totally blows my mind guys.