What we talk about when we talk about Miss Soft Crab (PM)

Haha. Core birdy temperature.

According to the research I have read pigeons actually have a core body birdy temperature of around 41 degrees Celsius! No wonder their crap feels so toasty warm against your skin!

Anyway, let me tell you about the Miss Soft Crab reading habits of Russeth. That guy totally reads this blog! He just doesn't read it daily. He doesn't read it for a while and then he will read a whole bunch of posts in a day. How do I know this? Because he tells me. Kind of.

Think your too good for us, Russeth?

Hey, we don't care how you read this blog, just don't lie about it. Ok! 

Just some stuff I ate and saw and thought about (AM)

So, I don't know if you guys have ever noticed, but basically this blog is just some stuff we ate and saw and thought about. Sure sometimes that stuff comes from our brains. But sometimes, when we are lucky, that stuff gets caught on camera.

So I thought you may be interested in seeing some of the stuff I've eaten, seen, and thought about lately. Here goes.

First, some things I ate:

Jokies, I didn't eat a pigeon. I just saw this pigeon drinking some water in the city and thought it looked really cute.

I did eat this pie though. After it was cooked of course. When it looked like this:

It had a delicious buttery pastry and a filling of chilli beans, corn and potato. When it was cooked the eggs were a little runny. And yes, it was DELICIOUS! Couldn't eat that in summer, no sirree.

You know what else I ate recently? Some delicious carrots and beetroot.

Maybe it doesn't look so appetising, but it does look like a found cock! HAHA!

But seriously folks, recently  I was at the zoo and I saw so many mind blowing things, including some green frogs that sat really flat on leaves and had adorable peaceful smiles. They were to small to photograph well, but these iguanas weren't! Iguanas are awesome!

 Oh, and did you know I saw Prince recently?

 Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Just like I couldn't resist taking a photo of these Twilight Edition Barbies K and I saw recently. Yes, that is Bella Barbie and Sparkleface Barbie. WTF?! Look at their faces? They look nothing like Bella and Sparkleface. Mattel just think they can just stick a Barbie in a box with packaging telling you they are Twilight Barbie and people will buy it?! In fact I'm pretty sure that Sparkleface Barbie is just a Chuck Bass Barbie repackaged. What? Why wouldn't they have Gossip Girl Barbie? Crazy times people! Anything is possible.

Haiku Thursday - Hiatus continues

Things I did on my summer holidays

I

Watch a pigeon get

Stuck in a pack of grain waves

So hilarious

II

Wonder if I can

Pull off blonde hair. Kirsten Dunst

Seems to do it well.

III

Want to take summer

Behind the middle school and

get it pregnant. Right? 

Miss Soft Crab is still on hiatus until January 23rd. But don't worry, there are 344 posts here that you can read if you need to get your Crab on.

TOYS Collective

On Monday night K and I went out for a fancy dinner. You remember, footballer Will Minson was there. But let me back track a little. A few months ago K told me about this thing called TOYS (Taste of Young Sydney) Collective. A bunch of chefs just getting together to blow your minds with food. I'll be honest, when I heard about this I really thought it sounded like a wank. I love food, especially the delicious, mind-blowing kind. Who doesn't want food to blow their mind. I do. But why you gotsta get all collective on our arses. Why can't you just cook some delicious food. So when K told Russeth and me she was going to go to the 4th of July TOYS Collective dinner in Melbourne I felt so torn. Like I wanted to eat all that delicious food but did not want the wank. But Russeth agreed to go straight away, so I sure as hell wasn't about to miss out. And boy am I glad! Oh TOYS. I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you, I love you.

In our first ever Miss Soft Crab joint post K and J discuss this 'Stars and Stripes 4th of July' TOYS Collective dinner. READ ON!

K: OK, here we go.

First, bread by Andrea Riess. Foccacia with sun-dried tomatoes and brioche corn bread with jalapeno peppers and corn.

J: Well I freaking love jalapenos any which way and I pretty much loved the shit out of that brioche! It had this sugar crusted top that was sweet and delicious and made it so kind of fucked up but wonderful. So American.

K: Indeed. The sun-dried tomato one didn't leave much of an impression with me. I liked the jalapeno a great deal when I was putting it in my mouth, but I came to hate it because it was taking up so much space in my tummy. Space I later needed.

J: I just want to add that while the sun-dried tomato foccacia was less special it made beautiful love with the olive oil on the table.

K: That's for sure. OK, next up, PB&J cocktail: American Whiskey, strawberry, sparkling rose, aromatic peanut fog.

J: Well that is where my mind pretty much got blown. We almost missed out on this but then K asked the adorable cocktail guy if we could get one.

K: Yeah, Luke the cocktail guy!

J: Luke from Trink Tank. That guy RULED!

K: Readers: be sure to draw on his services when you need cock. Tails.

But back to the cock. Tail. (I'm sorry, I can't seem to stop). It was basically this delicious sweet thing but with AROMATIC PEANUT FOG! It was just so great!

J: I have never had anything so gastroscientific and frankly I kind of feel like I can't go back to regular food. (I have, of course, but I am not happy about it.)

K: Next: Oysters Rockefeller. Bechamel, spinach, green herbs, pancetta, Pernod. Let me just jump in with a little oyster comment.

J: Go for it

K: OK. So I think these were creamy and delicious. It tasted like a herby creamy delight.

But my heart belongs to the natural oyster. Neville likes to say that oysters taste like what it feels like when you've been dunked by a wave and she's totally right.

J: You know this course was my least favourite I think. I got a vegetarian dish but I did eat an oyster, cause I forget to read the bit about pancetta. I've never really eaten oyster and what I realised is that perhaps they are not for me. Perhaps some people like that wave dunked taste and some people don't. I don't mind it if I have been dunked by a wave though.

K: I think you should try a natural oyster mate. No disrespect to the nice lady that made the oysters, the nice lady whose restaurant we dined in, but I think there is no improving on the natural style. IMHO.

J: My vegetarian dish was nice but not mind blowing. It was artichoke, heirloom carrots and beetroot. What is IMHO?

K: In my humble opinion

J: And maybe I will eat a oyster au naturel

K: Do you know FOMO?

J: FOMO?! FOYOU! Remember how Russeth said if he wanted a Irish girlfriend he would say he was after an oyster Kilpatrick? HAHA!

K: HAHAHA that was a really good one, Russeth. OK, lets move this along shall we?

J: Yes. But what is FOMO?

K: Fear of missing out. The reason you ate the oyster, I guess. That and the fact that I bullied you a little. Sorry. I just wanted you to taste the wonder.
Anyway, next dish: Mint Julep. Confit mint-julep cured salmon, jicama & jalapeno slaw, chicken fried clam.


J: Well this is where shit got real as far as I am concerned. From here on in everything was win win win! That chicken crumbed tofu, in my case, with that fresh jalapeno slaw, so tangy and delicious! And that salmon, which I had to steal from Russeth's plate. CURED AND CONFIT! So creamy and delicious!

K: Your chicken friend tofu looked fantastic. We've come such a long way from the Kentucky fried tofu we used to have at Kum Den, right? Right. This dish did herald the beginning of the wonders. Confit salmon and slaw are a great match y'all. Sticky but clean.

J: I still love the Cum Den's, I mean Kum Den's Kentucky Fried Tofu, but I guess this was a little classier.

K: Yeah, classy. Just like the squab liver hot dog, bean ragout, pickled onions and brassicas we had next. This dish puts the assy in classy.

J: Yeah that was something else. I had a slow cooked egg instead of squab hot dog but everything else was the same. SLOW COOKED EGG! It was everything I knew it could be. Creamy, solid, liquid all at once. That made me want to cry! And the goddamn mustard. Some said it was just Dijon, but that was the best mustard I have ever eaten. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.

K: I wonder if it was a squab egg? I guess it probably wasn't. Anyway, I personally love a bit of liver. And the fact that I was eating squab liver pleased me for the opportunity it provided to get one back at those pigeons that so enjoyed shitting on me in NYC. Yeah, take that you losers. But seriously folks, this thing made me extremely happy. Classy versions of a nasty dishes are pretty much my favourite things. They don't get much better than this. It was wonderful.

J: Yeah, I guess that's one pigeon that won't be shitting on you again.

K: OK mate, it's the moment we've all been waiting for. The RAMJETS fried duck , corn, cheese and BBQ sauce.

J: Well if the slow cooked egg made me want to cry this made me want to laugh. I loved it so much. I got eggplant instead of duck. EGGPLANT IS PRETTY MUCH MY FAVOURITE VEGETABLE. When the waitress told me what I was getting I practically whooped with joy. But if that wasn't enough, the cheese corn was the best side I have eaten in my life. Pretty much ever. In my life. So cheesy and creamy. Like the corn was both corn and cheese all at the same time

K: You're exactly right about all of this. The cheese corn side was the best side ever. EVER. And you do not get to look like I look without eating a lot of sides. No sirree. The duck was crunchy on the outside and juicy on the inside. It was fried duck, after all. Later, I got to watch Rumpy discover it because they let us take a doggy bag home for him. Dude practically needed to get a room with the duck. Also, it should be noted that the duck made beautiful love to (with?) the BBQ sauce. But that corn. My god, that corn. At this point I started to feel the danger signs of fullness.

J: Damn, that smoky, tangy, beautiful BBQ sauce. I hope Rumpy got some of that too. That was so nice how they let us take doggy bags. I bet Rumpy was in rapture with the duck more than any of us because he had only had a Subway beforehand, not three courses plus bread plus cock! Tails.

K: Exactly. Exactly! But the way we all felt about the duck and the salmon and the everything that came before was nothing, NOTHING compared to what we felt for: Bagel and Choca Cola. Chocolate and coke soup, caramelised popcorn bagel, sweetcorn cheese, pumpkin sauce.

J: It's true. Everything that came before was pretty fantastic. In fact truth be told it's like each dish was better than the last. And never was a truer word spoken than about this 'bagel'. A bagel made of popcorn and caramel and nuts and seeds. Not a bagel at all. And all this caramel sweetness was cut through by pickled green mango and a single spinach leaf. And the textures. My god the textures.

K: I loved everything about this dish. Down to the little poppy seeds on top. It was a delight, in every way. But it did make me want to lie down a lot.

J: Me too. Also I wish there had been no Choca Cola soup. I kept trying it because I thought I should, but truth was that the bagel was so special the soup only detracted from it. I loved it. I loved it so much. You know thinking about it now and talking about how those other dishes made me want to laugh and cry I realise that is not really true. I loved those other dishes but it was the bagel that made me feel these things and it is like that kind of coloured the whole night retrospectively.

K: I agree. The bagel brought it all together. It was like the moment in the musical where the whole company is singing and dancing and everything is coming together in this perfect crescendo and you don't ever want it to stop. The bagel was like that.

BUT THEN CAME PETIT FOURS!!!

Key lime pie, cookies and cream, S'mores and Caramel Corn.

I'm embarrassed to say I could not eat all of them because I needed to lie down so badly.

J: The bagel was like that! And then after that number in the musical there is the final resolution then FIN. I think the Petit Fours were too much. We should have just been served a nice desert wine as resolution.

I am embarrassed to say that I ate each one of them! Plus an extra half a S'more. Those S'mores were so good. I have never had such delicious marshmallow.

K: I'm glad to hear it. Then we all looked at Will Minson for a while and then FIN.

Right?

J: Yes. That is pretty much exactly how it happened.

FIN

Pigeon knows best

Mate, you have to listen to the pigeon, it knows what it's shitting about.

Look, NY is a great C. There is no denying it. In fact since the day you left I have been checking the internet pretty much daily to find a cheap flight so I could come and meet you. Then when I finally realised that was never going to happen I started thinking about ways I could move myself over there for a stint. So far I've got bupkis. So I know it's great over there.

But you know what? M-town is okay too.

There is delicious food here.


Some centrally located parks.


Awesome shops with great stuff.



Friends.

And comparatively few pigeons.

Farewell New York

Tomorrow I leave for home.
Goodbye delicious food.

Goodbye Central Park.

Goodbye awesome shops.

Goodbye friends.

I'm sad to be leaving, but the universe is telling me it's time to go, given that ANOTHER PIGEON SHAT ON ME TODAY.
Seriously pigeons, WTF.

Reflections on shit

Well, well, well. I see that you snuck those jalapeno chips into the back of the photo, perhaps hoping that I would not notice that you had bought the ONE BRAND I (implicitly) TOLD YOU NOT TO! I see how much you listen to me. What's next mate? All those other things I told you not to do?!? Like, some things I have no doubt recommended against!?

What did you think of them, anyway? Was I too harsh on them? Did you like their dirty flavour?

It's funny you got shat on by a pigeon. I mean, obviously it is funny, right? Am I right? But also funny because LB just got shat on by a bird the other day! SHIT TWINS!!! I can't remember the details really. I feel like we were sitting somewhere. In a park? And it shat on his leg. I know this is not much of a story, but if I could remember more about it I bet it would be HILARIOUS! So please feel free to laugh, y'all.

Do you think that listening to 'Empire State of Mind' in NYC is the same as wearing an 'I heart NY' t-shirt?

Reflections on pigeon shit

A pigeon shat on me today. It was very surprising. It was also weird because just the other day I had been thinking about the fact that birds never shit on me. The reason I was thinking that was because in NYC, you can't walk five paces without seeing a pigeon or a sparrow. Looking at all these birdies everywhere made think about how lucky I have been, to avoid the falling shit of a bird. It would be so gross and embarrassing! I thought to myself. Boy am I a lucky girl! I also thought

It happened when I was walking down west 58th street, feeling good about myself for making the effort to go west side*. It took me a little while to realise what had happened. It hit me on my right shoulder, and splashed on to both my bag, (which I was carrying on my right shoulder) and my hand (which was holding the strap of my bag). As expected, it was gross and embarrassing. The grossest bit was the fact that it was really, really warm. I just had no idea that it would be that warm. It was also brown. Not brown and white, like you imagine bird shit to be. Just plain brown. Again, I had no idea it would be just brown.
I found the experience a little distressing, and as a result I inadvertently walked around the same block twice. But on the second trip, a car drove past with the song this song blaring and it really turned my mood around. I found a nice looking sushi place and bought all of this:

Now I'm back at the hotel, eating those jalapeno chips and watching the series finale of The Office.

I heart NY.

* I was also feeling good about myself because a man who was trying to sell me something in Central Park told me that I had the face of an actress. Even though he was trying to sell me something, I was feeling good because he kept it general, which allowed me to imagine that he meant this:

rather than: