What people wore on Monday night (PM)

Twigley's outfit on Monday night has further confirmed my long-held and ever increasing suspicion that she is in fact Frank N. Furter.

Look at that crazy face

I have to confess I only watched about five minutes of the brownlow on Monday night. Just long enough to establish that I don't like the look of Gary Ablett's new girlfriend one bit. The problem with the Brownlow, other than the mind numbing boringness of a show that is basically three hours of a man listing names and numbers, is that the WAGs have become too obsessed with looking pretty, rather than using their old M.O. of look slutty. And seeing Brynne's outfit this year basically is the nail in the coffin. This is a woman that once wore this:

Brownlow hos, is there any hope for you now?


At least the ladies at the Emmys are mostly pretty and have enough money that they really do look good. Still effing boring though. When I saw Claire dames I almost vomited. The dress is whatever. It was the hair and face styling that I can't stand. I can't exactly explain it, I just think that hair is  most boring thing I have ever seen.

I kind of like the concept and fabric of Lena Dunham's dress, but girlfriend really has to improve her posture if she wants to pull off that kind of thing. And maybe it should have come in lower down, at the waist. You know?

Thank god for Juliane Hough, a woman I am only familiar with because I saw a god awful movie called Safe Haven that she was in on the plane to USA. Also she was in Rock of Ages. Most importantly she was a professional dancer in Dancing with the Stars. Clearly this had the most influence on her dress sense. Now here is a woman that could show the WAGs how to dress.

 

Awards nights, ladies, you all are going to have to work harder. 

Things I hope I never have to see again (PM)

You know mate, I didn't even know that the Logies were on until yesterday when I saw a headline that Hamish Blake won the gold Logie. That was all. I did not engage or hear/read anything else. I guess it is safe to say I could not care less. But your post did raise some questions.

Why didn't someone tell Asher Keddie to wear a slip?

Why didn't Crazy Princess's publicist and Joel Selwood's manager find more appropriate people for them to date? Surely no-one is buying Crazy Princess and Joel Selwood as a couple.

Why is Twiggly such a.freak?

But The Voice has me asking questions too!

Seal, why dont' you do good reality TV like your soon to be ex-wife?

Delta, have you had plastic surgery? You look weird.

Keith Urban and whichever Madden guy that Madden guy is...no I got nothing for you guys.

Things I hope I never have to see again (AM)

On Sunday night, I watched The Voice and the Logies and yes, I am wasting my life. But I do have the following things to say about these shows, largely so I can get these lame shows off my mind and move on with what's left of my life. 

Seal, you seem a little bit like a predatory, post-separation, middle aged man and its creepy. The bit where you said to one of the young female contestants "what a beautiful thing comes out of you" while holding her face in your hands made me feel creeped out and like that contestant was in stranger danger.  Also, Seal, don't sing along while the contestants are singing. It's rude.

Joel Madden, you are so uninteresting to me that I don't have anything to say about you. But don't sing along while the contestants are signing. Its rude.

Delta Goodrem, your hair is sailing dangerously close to parody. Stop it. It is good to see that you tend not to sing along with the contestants. Keep that up. 

Keith Urban. You are my favourite judge and that makes me question everything. You have a lisp and its kind of endearing. Please get the eff out of my head. And stop singing while the contestants are singing, its rude.

I really hope I never have to watch it again.
The Logies, on the other hand. Actually, no, I can't fake it. I really hope I never have to watch that again too. The starlets they have these days, and the things they wear, are so boring I barely even have the motivation to criticise them. But I would like the make the following comments on some things that I saw people wear.


What a charming tablecloth!

I like to call this look the Crazy Princess. 

Watch out for banana peels, Crazy Princess.

You're not fat, you're just pregnant, we get it.

Ugh. Twigley. This dress looks like something a very fancy Egyptian mummy might wear.   

And your hair looks like something an Afghan Hound might wear. 

Right?
But not as cute, of course.
Goodbye, terrible night of TV.  

WTF? Wednesday (PM)

OMG WTF?!

You know, Twigley makes me think WTF pretty much all the time.

 WTF is she wearing?

WTF does everyone see in her?

Speech pathology, WTF?

But this! WTF?

WTF was she thinking making this ad with her baby?

WTF is wrong with her face?

And WTF was the stylist and makeup artist thinking?

Oh, I think I know that one.

But the Jiggly baby is very cute.

WTF? Wednesday (AM)

I don't read actual newspapers so much any more. You know, because of the internet. And because they are unwieldy. And because all I ever do when I buy the paper is read about 3 articles and then head straight for the word target. But sometimes I get all wistful about their crinkly pages and their smudgey ink, and so I buy one.

I did this the other day, and was having a nice time of it until I flipped a page, saw this, and damn near  lost my shit:

WT mother-effing F?! If I'm not mistaken, that's a full page add for diamond rings featuring Twigley and the Jigley baby. People, I do not think this is cool. I mean, way to pimp out your baby, Jigleys.

But really, it's the look on Twigley's face that troubles me. Lets take a closer look.

Gah!

I don't know how to say this, other than bitch be lookin' crazy in that photo and baby be lookin' dubious yo. I'm sure she is a totally fine mother and all, and the Jigley baby is certainly very adorable, but sheesh! I absolutely do not want to open my newespaper of a morning and see a face that says I bathe in the blood of 50 virgins every night, and I will have my virgins! No sirreee.

WTF guys, seriously.

The Miss Soft Crab Brownlow Blue Carpet Wrap Up

Day 2 of Groom Week comes to you from the Brownlow Blue Carpet. As with most Brownlow medal counts, J and I texted one another throughout the show. Here are our special comments, starting with J.

I'm sure by now you have all heard of the 'fashion pod'. It was basically a giant lazy susan that the WAGS would stand on, and slowly rotate. Being able to see the WAGS from all angles made me realise that back fat is a serious problem that affects all of us: from the normal looking to the very very hungry looking.
Anyway. this is the outfit we referred to as Beauty Secrets Barbie (later reclassified as Twirly Curls Barbie):

And here is Laura Palmer:

  Now back to the special comments.
Have I told you guys that Midbro is having another baby? It's true, he totally is. Perhaps don't mention that I told you about the name Jobe/Gob being on the shortlist if you guys see him. He's quite discreet and probs wouldn't want me telling people. I couldn't find a picture of the lady wearing the curtains, so let's all have a look at Jobe shall we?

 More special comments:
Look, Jimmy's girl, obviously we don't hate you because we have never met you. But you are going out with Jimmy who we love very much, so bitch, you are fair game. Also, eat a sandwich some time lady.

Also, try to at least act like you are happy. If I was going home with that, I think I could muster a little more enthusiasm.

OK guys, I need to suspend normal broadcast activities for a moment while I tell you something. After the show last night, J uploaded all the screen dumps of our text conversation in to this post, so all I had to do was annotate and add the pictures of the WAGS. Thanks J, you are so helpful! However, I am a tad clumsy and accidentally deleted some of them. I thought about calling J and asking her to upload them again, but I didn't want to disturb her because she might be sleeping in, she has a baby you know. So the following three screen shots actually come from my phone. So grey is J and green is me. This is K, by the way. I'm sorry guys.
Lets get back to the commentary, shall we?

 I like Mrs Demetriou's outfits normally. This one, not so much.

But she is a good looking woman. There's no denying it. Meanwhile, have you guessed who we thought looked like she was wearing vomited up corn?

Honestly, Twiggley. I can't even look at you. And if you think i'm going to include a photo of Nathan Buckley here then you've got another thing coming. Dude has been on my TV screen practically every day for a million years, he's not getting on my blog too.

As for this next sequence of messages, they were  sent after a 10 minute interview with some guy who owns some suit shop where tonnes of players got their suits fitted, including Miss Soft Crab favourites Gary Ablett and Joel Selwood.

For some reason, none of the Brownlow photo galleries have any pictures of Gary and Joel that are worth a damn. Lets go back to the archives, shall we?

I'm just going to let that picture speak for itself. 

Several more messages were sent through the evening, including one that said "phwoar, have a look at this!" when Gary and Richo were having a little interview that, again, the galleries refuse to capture (WTF galleries! Get to know your audience why don't you?). But I prefer to leave you with this final image of what a Ling night ahead might actually look like.

Go Cats.

MORE WAG

Congratulations Mate and Chops for psychically inducing the birth of Baby Twudd/Jiggley. (Actually I saw Rebecca Twigley on a TV commercial last night and her face was the name Rebecca Judd so I guess it is just Baby Judd born last night. Whatevs.)

So in the interest of being able to relate to your morning post I went and had a look at the Herald Sun website and the pictures of the Twudd wedding and readers 2011 hottest WAG poll. (I can't believe that is thing. ) And I learnt this: the Twudd wedding did not look classy; and WAGs all pretty much look the same. How readers can tell them apart to judge who is hotter completely baffles me.

To be fair to the WAGs though the majority of them were smiling in their pictures with only a few remaining to pose with that stupid open mouth face.

This Hun gallery lead me to another called 'Punching above their weight'. This was basically a bunch of footballers and their girlfriends based on the premise that the WAGs were too hot for the them. But, though there are some pretty unattractive footballers around, it basically just looked like a bunch of regular looking dudes with some plastic ladies. The couple I was most struck by, who actually seem perfectly matched in terms of attractiveness, was Barry Hall and his girlfriend. They are not just similar in terms of attractiveness but also in terms of features. They look alarmingly similar in fact. A total brother/sister couple. Am I right?!

What the WAG?

Yesterday on Chops at Home, Crimpy reviewed the Carlton football club theme song, and I provided special comments. I opined that this song is a total snore fest, which it is.
This is not a controversial opinion, but I like to think that in the same way the flap of a butterfly's wings in the amazon can lead to a tsunami in the pacific (not that I want it to! please stay still little butterflies!), maybe Crimpy's post was the trigger that eventually caused Rebecca Twigley to go in to labour and give birth to the Twigley Judd (Twudd) baby.
The birth of the Twudd baby was certainly the trigger that prompted me to look at pictures of R-Twig and C-Judd's wedding on the HUN online for about 20 minutes, then read an article called Footy's hottest WAGs, then look at a HUN photo gallery of footy's hottest WAGs. I'm not proud of any of this, but it's done now.

All of this activity left me with two overwhelming impressions: if I can just avoid looking at that first photo then I can avoid wasting a shitload of time on Herald Sun galleries, and, WAGs are boring looking and seem to permanently have their mouths open in their WAG photos. Check this out:

This is Jimmy Bartel's girlfriend, Nadia. She came fifth in the Herald Sun's hottest WAGs poll. As you can see, she has her mouth open in this photo. She isn't smiling. She is just looking at the camera with her mouth open. Let me tell you, I could have selected pretty much any photo from the Herald Sun WAG gallery as an example. If the WAGs weren't smiling in their photos, then they were doing some version of this face. I know this is meant to be a kind of sexy face, but to me she just looks like a total idiot. If a normal person was photographed in this pose, people would wonder why she looked so pissed off and perhaps whether she needed to go to the chiropractor because she is standing so awkwardly that she must have back pain.
I'm sure she is a perfectly nice lady. Perhaps all WAGs are. Lauren Phillips certainly seems pleasant. But for pete's sake, close your mouths WAGs, you look like morons!
That's all.