Cheese coma (AM)

Yesterday was chutney club, as Biz said, 'It's nice to be out and about.' Yeah, Biz, it is. Turns out that he was at Golden Plains last week so his idea of not getting out much and my idea of not getting out much may be slightly different.

For the curious the haul was: plum jam (me), fig and ginger jam (K), apricot jam (David), spicy nectarine and peach chutney (Pickle), mango chutney (Biggie Little), nectarine chutney (Legsly), apple and cherry plum chutney (Blizzie). A pretty good spread.

Chutney club is a funny old thing.Some meets every one has cooked something delicious to go with their condiment and then other times everyone just brings cheese. That is pretty much what happened yesterday. I wish I had taken photos of all the cheese. I feel like there was more cheese there than I had seen in a long time. But then again I don't get out much. But there really was so much cheese. And I sure ate a lot more cheese than I'd eaten in a long time. There were probably at least 10 or 12 cheeses. And I ate them all. Over and over again. And I ate a doughnut and half a croissant and this toffee chocolate crispy slice magnificence and in between the sweets more cheese to cleanse the palette. When I got home I wasn't that hungry so Baby and I shared a cheese pie for dinner. Later LB ate bolognese so I had a little pasta with parmesan and chilli flakes. Cheese.

As I sat on the couch last night exhausted and wondering what to write about for today I could really come up with nothing. I thought I was tired or that my brain had finally given up but in the cold harsh light of this morning I'm pretty sure I was just too high on cheese. Or perhaps the crash had begun. The reason it all came clear is because I think I have a cheese hangover. I feel ok, but as I was sitting on the couch with Newbie this morning he just seemed so out of sight cute. I mean, this kid is pretty effing adorable and he has this array of out of control cute smiles but this morning - whoa - I could not get over his cuteness. You know how that happens with a hangover, it's like all your defences are down. At breakfast Baby was doing these ridiculous burbs which also seemed incredibly cute and really funny. And to top all this off, I feel pretty irritable. Classic hangover, right? I'd like to think I have learned my lesson and that in future I will cheese responsibly, but I guess history suggests that is pretty unlikely.

Big Easy Eating (PM)

It's lucky for me I don't eat dead land animals because I would be totally jealous of all that good eating in New Orleans. As it is I'm pretty jealous of the jazz and Mississippi and I'm not even into jazz. Lucky for me also that I can imagine just what that Bacchanal restaurant is like because it looks just like a restaurant at Disneyland but instead of eating by the Mississippi you eat by the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Most lucky for me though is that Chutney Club happened this weekend down at Flinders and instead of the usual 4 or so hours of eating with my BFFs I got to eat for 24 hours with them with ocean views (K's absence not withstanding).

This 24-hour Chutney Club made me so relaxed I forgot to take any pictures. Except of the view. 

Luckily Pickle was acting as official club photographer though. We had a roaring fire and sat in a wood-panelled sitting room and, as everyone knows, that's the best way to enjoy beachside living in winter. 

We ate: preserved lemons that Blizzie had made and cooked into some delicious baked beans served with Persian feta on toast. And it was the effing bomb!

Then: rice paper rolls with the pickled pineapple David made. 

And: my apple jelly. First served on a failed brioche I made which, although it did not turn out as brioche, did turn out some weird dense buttery bread-like thing which was a perfect host for apple jelly, and then on crackers with blue cheese. 

Next: Pickle's pickled mushrooms with a generous serve of Meredith goats feta on toast. 

And finally: Legsly and Miguel's rhubarb and apple jam on toast. Actually that wasn't the final chut but more on that later. 

The fact that it was a sleep over meant there was no rushing through the food or gorging on cheese. In fact the grazing cheese platter wasn't even brought out until after the official Chutney Club proceedings were over. The suggestion of fish and chips was brought out not long after that. Cray cray you say say? I thought it was crazy too but I wasn't going to say no and I have to say that it wasn't the worst way to end the day. Well, F,Cs and a game of Danish Bowl. 

You may have noticed (as if!)  that a chutney was missing from the afternoon event  and that's because Biggie Little made marmalade to be served with pancakes on Sunday morning. Those guys didn't even stay over! They just left marmalade and pancake batter! What guests!!! These were enjoyed with some bacon and scrambled eggs that Biz served up and I think you can tell that a wonderful time was had by all. 

Chutney Club's first weekender made me ask my self two questions. Why haven't we done this before?!? And, when can we do it again?!?

A box of Miss Soft Crab assorted (AM)

Today I thought I would cover off on a few of the things Miss Soft Crab is famous for in one single, easy to use post. Because sometimes there's so much stuff to eat and see and think about that it's hard to pick a favourite. Other times one has a little bit to say about a few things, but is light on detail on all those things. I'll leave it to you to decide what kind of day it is today.


First, hunks.
The Chutney Club met yesterday and we had a lovely day as usual. There were two figgy jams, a cheesy spread, a nutty/seedy mix, some pickled plums and I just brought chocolate for everyone because I couldn't get it together to make something.  At one point, the conversation turned from food to hunks. Pickle commented on how much she liked Leonardo di Caprio. We all nodded and murmured  in agreement. We talked about him for a little bit, how he's a real bona fide movie star and his appeal is not waning as the years go by. This conversation felt like it lasted for a about 30 seconds but at some point, J got up and left the room and when she came back she said "what are we talking about? Are we still on Leonardo?". We were still on Leonardo. A bunch of grown women in their thirties talking about Leonardo like it was 1996.






The conversation only really ended when someone commented that it was very sad Jonny Depp had left Vanessa Paradis and we all nodded and murmured in agreement.





Ok, now lets talk about clothes.

I want to dress like all of these people in pictures that I found on The Sartorialist.

The above picture is from a post called 'Big grey sleeves under everything' which I think is overstating it. It seems to me like big grey sleeves under coats. On two people.

This photo was from a post about turtlenecks, which have always been dear to my heart.

Clearly there's a bit of a theme going on, which is about being warm and comfortable. The only problem is that while these people look stylish and 'fashion forward', I'm pretty sure that if I dressed like this I would look like I was 'letting myself go'.

I'm not saying I won't do it, just that I guess I have to pick my moments. And my audience.
Ok, that's all for now. Bye you guys. See you in the PM.

Highlights of a weekend where I ate well but lacked focus (PM)

For some reason that I really cannot fathom, K thinks that I am the responsible, sensible one in this outfit. Is it because I have a baby? Dude, getting knocked up is like the easiest things in the world, it don't mean a damn thing. Anyway, I feel confident that if you asked any number of people that know K and me they would disagree with K's position. (Feel free to comment friends! Lets get some numbers on this.)

That aside I probably was more responsible on Saturday merely by fact of my state which was a hangover-free one. Having said that though, I don't really have any photos of chutney club because I mostly spent my time trying to make sure Baby wasn't breaking shit/himself in the next room, wasn't eating bulk cheese or cake and in my down time I was eating delicious food. Such is my lot, thus I always lack focus.

Here's what David's dish looked like up close.

Delicious.

Apart from that and Miguel and Legsly's leek, onion and garlic jam toasties and Blizzie's tamarind and tomato chut with someone else's homemade bagels we enjoyed tomato and chilli chut with vegetarian sausage rolls (by me), K's green tomato chut on corn bread, Biggie Little's pulled pork buns, Welly's lemon curd tarts, Pickle's fruit salad and this birthday cake Little Wonders made for Biggie's birthday the day before. Happy birthday guy.

IT LOOKS LIKE A WATERMELON!

Yep that is about the extent of the food photography I can offer. Sorry. Mostly I took photos of these.

This one includes Miguel having the requisite post-feast lie down

See, no responsibilty here folks.

Highlights of a weekend where I ate well but lacked focus (AM)

On Friday night, I drank vodka on an empty stomach. Then, I did that about 50 more times.
What followed was one of the most ineffectual weekends of my life. Honestly, I feel sorry for the people that had to interact with me this weekend.  Talking and making sense, keeping focussed on what other people were saying, observing basic rules of human interaction like not yawning in people's faces - all of this was pretty hard for me over the last couple of days. And I kind of had a lot of stuff to do, like:

• make chutney
• attend chutney club
• interact with my brothers and sisters of chutney
• make something out of Plenty for the second Plenty Pot Luck dinner
• attend the second Plenty Potluck dinner
• interact with my sisters of plenty (I love how that sounds like a religious order). 

So it wasn't a good time to say goodbye to cognitive function. And the really unfortunate thing about it is that it was a weekend that involved a lot of really great food that I would have loved to have talked about today. But do you think I managed to photograph all that delicious stuff? No way, no how, readers. Happily, J was on hand to be the sensible and responsible one so this afternoon we should be able to count the ways we ate so well on Saturday. I'm on my own for Sunday's Plenty Pot Luck of course, but I was feeling a bit better by then.

Anyway, before J sweeps in this afternoon and returns respectability to Miss Soft Crab,  I can share the following snaps that I managed to take during brief moments of lucidity.

Here we have the chutney table, at the beginning of the session.
David pickled some beans and then turned them in to a salad that was like a sauce gribiche, but in salad form. With prawns!

Miguel made leek and garlic jam that he lathered on toasted cheese sandwiches for all of us.

Blizzie made tomato and tamarind chutney, which they served with delicious bagels and cheese.

Some other people we don't know grew some grapes then made them ferment and carbonated them and turned them in to prosecco which everyone seemed to enjoy a lot. I had a can of coke (not pictured).

I'm afraid that's the only  chutney photo I have to share, with the exception of the one at the top of this post, which is what it looks like when Miguel uses tongs to put a toasted sandwich on your plate and the following, which is what it looks like when a dog wears a baby's bib.

I can say that David and Welly were first class hosts and a lovely time was had by all, even me and I'm not sure that would have been possible anywhere else.

Right, on to Sunday night.  Crimpy hosted Legsley and I for the second Plenty Pot Luck dinner, which is what we call it when we get together and eat things we make from the book Plenty.

I made the Very Full Tart which is Very Effing Good. Legsley made a zucchini and hazelnut salad which was delicious and Crimpy made eggplant croquettes (not pictured). (Idiot).

Again, it was a lovely time and Crimpy was (as always) a first class host.
As you can see, I'm still a little tired and spaced out, so I think it's best for everyone if I press on. Don't worry readers, I'll be fine, and J will be here in the afternoon to make everything better.

Terrific Tuesday (PM)

Mate! I can't tell you how happy I am that you nominated today as a Terrific Tuesday!

I was basically all set to have the shittiest Tuesday. Hadn't scheduled a second coffee into my day, my house is so messy, I don't know what to make for chutney club on Saturday, the tax office sent me a letter telling me I owe them a bunch if money (luckily half of that is all in there brain, but it was still upsetting). But eff you Shit Tuesday I'm turning you into Terrific Tuesday! Here's how:

Schedule that second coffee into my day
That's how you have a Terrific Tuesday after all.

Go to the market and get some damn thing to make chutney!

Ignore my dirty house
Or clean it.

Wear a cute kit
Looking cute always makes something terrific!

Make a delicious dinner
Let me just say it will include an eggplant riff on the zucchini dish we had at Rumi last week and this cauliflower thing.

Yeah Tuesday, I'm making you my bitch!

Winterchut (AM)

Do you guys get bored when, on a Monday morning,  we tell you about what we did on the weekend? If so, sorry you guys. And see you tomorrow, because this post is about the Winter Chutney Club meet at Miguel and Legsley's on Saturday.

If you've been here before, you know what goes down at Chutney Club. People make a bunch of jars of chutney. People get together and eat them with things, then swap their jars. People have a wonderful time. That's Chutney Club.

Normally there is a good balance of sweet and savoury things. Not this time. Everyone  inadvertently made a sweet thing, which meant we basically spent three solid hours eating sugar. Except for David who made butter, so in fact we spent three hours eating sugar and butter.
If I was five, this would be my lifelong dream and this post would be coming to you from a person who was ready to die because she'd done it all. But readers, I'm not five any more. Not by a motherflipping long shot. My dreams have changed and rightly so, because  spending three solid hours eating sugar will do things to a person. You know that feeling of having a sugar high? That happened after about 45 minutes. What happened after that I have no benchmark or words for. No words, because I'm not entirely sure I've come down yet. I mean, I haven't had a hunger signal in about 40 hours now. I did take some photos though. Let's let them speak for me.

First up, we see butter by David (background),  and toast in the shape of teapots with marmalade by Blizzie.

Effing cute/effing yum. 

Here we have croissants by Miss Soft Crab's own J.

Hot. 

Fancy a little flourless orange cake with marmalade glaze by Miguel and Legsley? Of course you do.

Also visible: the salted caramel and cream tarts I made. PLease refer to bottom right of image, in front of J's croissants.

We all ate every one of these things, and from this point on, the photos start to get a little incoherent.  

That's partly my fault, because I thought it would be a good idea to give the camera to baby. 

Check this out: 

It looks like a dream sequence, right? In fact it is a photo Baby took. Somehow he managed to capture the mood of the day perfectly. That kid has a gift.

Anyway, while Baby was getting his Annie Leibovitz on, we were still eating. 

Eating things like these donuts Biggie Little made. 

I don't know how that pig got on the table. 

And these macarons Little Wonder made.

Salted caramel to the left, pink grapefruit to the right. 

By the time the rhubarb and apple tart that Welly made came out, neither baby nor I were in a position to photograph it. I had taken a spot on the floor, where I rested against an ottoman, and watched while Legsley drew some elephants for Baby.

I love these elephants and looking at them soothes me. 

I don't know how long I was there for, but by the time I came to, the tart had been chopped up in to take home packs for everyone. Lets hope J got a picture of it beforehand. She's always been the more responsible one.
Don't get me wrong, we all had a wonderful time. I guess it's just been a long winter and I feel like part of my brain is still in hibernation and or/sugar coated atrophy. I'm pretty sure I'm no alone though. This came through from Miguel yesterday.

I hope you find your knife guys.  I don't have it, BTW. 

Autumn Chutney (PM)

I love chutney club, but it has a lot to answer for.

I had a great time yesterday and everything was delicious, but last night I realised that I was feeling mildly sorry for myself that all I had got to eat with the chutney was cheese. And I'm not just talking a block of Bega. I'm talking some washed rind Pont Oohlala, an organic Stilton, d'Affinois. I mean a bunch of delicious cheeses. Some of the most delicious and I was disappointed that all the showcase food had been meat and all I could eat was the cheese! For shame. Moreover, I was as much to blame as anyone. That is, no-one is to blame, everyone just did what they had to do and that was cook meat. I respect that, I definitely don't want anyone to think I am coming down on them. I wanted to make a delicious showcase for my plum chutney but I was too busy and hayfevery this weekend. So I just took cheese. It happens.

Plus, all this cheese and chutney was followed by the freaking delicious creme caramel that Biz made.
And, yep, lucky for you guys I was not porked into a coma, so I did have the presence of mind to photograph it. Two times.



And there was beautiful hot chocolate and home made hot cross buns from Little Wonders and last night I was feeling a little disappointed?! I mean it was great! It was a great afternoon full of deliciousness and wonderful company!

Chutney club, you have spoiled me for cheese! What is wrong with us?!? I mean me. Whatever.

Autumn Chutney (AM)

Jam!

People have so many questions when you tell them you are in a Chutney Club.
Is it like a book club? They often ask. Do you pick a new chutney every month and then get together and share your interpretations of it? 
No, guys. Come on. That would be really boring. No one wants to hear their friends talk about their feelings for chutney, unless they wanted to feel bored or annoyed.

No, our Chutney Club is about eating chutney, and the things that go with it. We get together each season and exchange jars of chutney we have made. And by chutney, I don't just mean "a condiment used in south asian cuisine that usually contains a combination of spices and vegetables and/or fruits", which is how wikipedia classifies chutney. Wikipedia is obviously a total square. We would never limit ourselves like that.  We interpret chutney to be pretty much any condiment or pickled product, or anything else a member might like to make and put in a small jar and share. Also, jam. Our interpretation of chutney also includes jam. It's a good way of interpreting chutney.

Yesterday, the Chutney Club held its autumn meet. While Chutney Club is principally about making and sharing chutney, Chutney Club meetings are about eating a shitload of delicious things that can showcase chutney.

Typical Chutney Club table spread

Yesterday, the delicious things we ate included (and please note this is not an exhaustive list):
pork sausages and rye bread which we ate with spiced apple chutney that Welly made
corn chips which we ate with tzatziki that Miguel and Legsley made
crackers, a range of cheeses (no longer pictured) and olives (no longer pictured) consumed with all the chutneys and the cumin salt Blizzie made.

Plum Chutney, by J. Tzatziki in rear.

This was phase one of the meeting. Chutney Club meetings usually involve two informal phases. After a period of time grazing on cheeses and the like, phase two begins, during which our minds get blown by a particularly special chutney showcase item. Yesterday,  phase two consisted of no less than thee mind blowers.
First, the scallops with XO sauce served on fried wonton skins that I'm sure no one will be surprised to learn that David made.

Scallop about to get got

This photo can do no justice to the deliciousness of that little baby. And now, we all have home made XO sauce in our fridges! Score.

Then Biggie Little brought out pulled pork sandwiches, to showcase the mustard that he made.

I ate two of these

Pulled pork, people, pulled pork. Some kind of miracle happens when you put a pork shoulder in a dutch oven and cook it super gentle for a long time before pulling it apart then putting it in a bread roll with mustard. Gah, I have to stop thinking about this.

Finally, Biz brought out the finest looking Creme Caramel I've ever seen. It was the colour of autumn, readers, and if only I had the presence of mind to photograph it I could show you how beautiful it looked.  Of course, I was too far gone from the scallops and the pulled pork to do anything much at all by this point, but I'm pretty sure J held herself together a lot better than I did, so look out for that Creme Caramel in the PM.

This was autumn chutney. I'm really not ready for autumn but the chutney does soften the blow. 

Essential Details of the Chutney Club Spring Session (PM)

Chutney Club was really great yesterday. Of course there was all the usual deliciousness. But it is very exciting to me how chutney club has expanded into more of a Bulk Delicious Food Club. Yes, There was a chutney yesterday, but there was so much more than that. The chutney, dips, pickles, grapes, et al.

And then there was the banana tarte tartin. A pastry covered in caramelly brown bananas. Small Wonders is the unofficial (pretty official actually, insofar as if she did not bring sweet treats there would be a CC uprising) pastry chef of the club. Girlfriend did not disappoint yesterday. I would show you a picture of it but I didn’t take one because I was basically glued to my seat waiting for that baby to be cut up and put in my mouth. My camera and phone were not around so through my salivating mouth I said to K, “You. Arrrgh drool. Photo. Drool drool. Must take. Arggghh, slurp drool.” Then I pretty much went on muttered things like “Oh geez. Oh man. That looks so good. I want it in my mouth,” until I got it in my mouth. I have no idea what else was going on at the time because I did not take my eyes of that bad boy.  And my ears were shut down. But I’m pretty sure we were all feeling the same way.

Here is an approximation of what it looked like.

Although I believe it came from this recipe.

Um have you people eaten banana tarte tartin? No? Well what the hell are you still doing here? Bananas have totally dropped in price go and make this and put it in your mouth!

Essential Details of the Chutney Club Spring Session

Yesterday, the Chutney Club held its Spring meeting.
Folks got pretty creative.
Here's the wrap up. Chutney by Chutney.

Harissa, by Biz*.

Biz always manage to make their chutneys look as pretty as they taste. They served this delicious harissa atop potato tortilla and finished the whole thing off with some roasted eggplant.

Sourdough starter by Miguel and Legsley
M + L  came up with a genius idea to make a sourdough starter, instead of chutney. Because what's the one thing you need when you have a lot of chutney? Stuff to put it on, stuff like bread. Miguel used the starter to make a sample loaf which was delicious, so delicious that I forgot to take a photo of it. D'oh! (Get it? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
Anyway, they gave us all a bottle of sourdough starter, so we can make our own delicious bread. They included instructions so we can keep the starter active. So helpful.

Stay alive, little guy.

Tomato and Chilli chutney, by Biggie Little
As previously noted, Biggie Little makes a very fine chilli chutney. He is like a chilli whisperer. This time, he made chilli and tomato chut, a dead set classic. He served it with sausages and I hope you are all impressed that I managed to take a photo when he was putting this in my face.

Pickled grapes, by J
J made delicious pickled grapes that were lovely and fragrant and taste good with cheeses. She also made rosemary and sea salt flat bread that, unsurprisingly, was also delicious. You can see her whole spread to the left of the red wine in the picture below.

Brussels Sprout Sauerkraut by David and Welly
I love brussels sprouts. Always have. I don't understand why they have a terrible reputation. And I don't understand why I have never had them as sauerkraut before, because they were so lovely. Here is what they look like in a big jar with a plate on top of them.

And here is what they look like on top of a sausage, coming right for you.

Babaganoush, by me
I made babaganoush. I know babaganoush isn't chutney, but it is delicious, and I thought we could all use some this delightful Melbourne Cup long weekend. I served it with fresh chapattis that I made, but forgot to take pictures of. Instead, here is a picture of a really big tomato I grew one summer.

While that covers all of the 'chutneys', there was one other extremely special thing that we ate. It was so good that I think it deserves its own post, and I have a pretty good feeling that J might take care of that for us this arvo.

Stay tuned to MSC!


*Check out our new Who's Who page for a handy guide to the Miss Soft Crab cast of characters.

Royal Melbourne Show, you're ok by me!

The Show gets a really bad rap. Does it? Or is that just me? I just think of it as heaps of crappy food and way too many people. Nothing but show bags and people trying to sell you really shit shit. Ugh. But you know what? I went last week and I kind of loved it.

I think there were two keys to success. Firstly, I was with LB and Baby. Baby is only 16 months old, he doesn't know what he is missing out on when I don't buy him fairy floss or show bags or giant inflatable plastic glittery things and when I don't put him on rides. He just likes looking at all the stuff.

The second thing was that it was a really miserable day. Cold, a little bit wet. Sounds bad right? But you know it made it kind of great because there were not too many people there and also you just want to get from place to place, no dawdling, just head down and move through the wind and cold. It means it is so easy to ignore all the ugly stuff that makes you not want to go to the show.

I will admit that the main reason we went was to see the Irish Setters. Doggy's brothers from another mother.

Here are some now.



We missed the showing bit (which is pretty weird anyway) and just walked down the aisles checking out these hot bitches. And dogs. Win.

After that we checked out the poultry and alpaca pavilion. OMG! Poultry friggen rules! Do you know how beautiful chickens are?! Really. Their feathers are actually so beautiful!



Do you know how many weird variations there are?




Did you know there are ducks with 18th century style bouffant?



And do you know, I mean really know, what a turkey looks like?


The poultry pavilion rules! OK!

Of course the animal nursery was also awesome. Cute little piggies and calves and donkeys. An adorable baby duck. And I saw a lamby that was born at 6am that DAY! Just walking around like an adorable little lamby.



Finally, of course, we went to the Country Women's Association pavilion. I love the CWA pavilion. I love how they put all the winning foodstuffs in glass cabinets to look at.


Like you can see a sponge and make some kind of assessment. "Mmm, you can tell by the height and crumb of this one that Marge really deserved to win."




Oh, and they have a fancy food pavilion these days too where people give you free samples.

You know the show really taught me to overcome some prejudices. You should check it out! Except it ends today. Whoopsee.

See you in Buddha hell

I guess I'm glad that the Chutney Club meeting I mostly missed was pretty much the best one yet. I guess I can overcome my jealousy and feel glad that you guys got to enjoy all those delicious things.

I mean, if watching the Dalai Lama on Masterchef taught me anything, it taught me not to be jealous and to be thankful for the...oh, wait, watching the Dalail Lama on Masterchef taught me NOTHING AT ALL because the Dalai Lama has no place on Masterchef! The Dalai Lama has totally jumped the shark! Honestly Dalai Lama, I just don't know why you would do it!

But seriously. What have I got to be jealous about, really. I mean, things are pretty shit-hot for me at the moment. I managed to take time out from my busy moving and cleaning schedule to drop by the club and exchange jars of the lemon pickle I made for jars of everything everyone else made.
I have a new bedroom that looks like this:


A fridge full of chutney that looks like this:
and I got to spend my first night in my new home watching Harry Potter 5, followed by the Dees beating Port Adelaide, followed by hilarious hunks on Graham Norton.
It's practically l'age d'or pour moi.
And now I am going to post this early, because J and I are going to Ikea to get some things to make our lives, I mean our houses, even better.
Hooray!