Monday, May 2, 2011

If I were GOOP...

Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow emailed Jay-Z and said, “I love your new site. Can I ask you five questions about it?” Jay-Z said, “I’ll show you mine if you let me see yours.” And the whole affair was pretty nauseating. We decided to do a fuckyoute tribute and answer their questions ourselves.

KK: The public at large is discovering your ability to sing. When did you first discover you had that talent?

J: Are they? My mother has a terrible voice but was always singing around the house, so god knows where my brother and sister and I got our musicality from. I’ve pretty much always known I had this awesome ability to sing. I always thought that somewhere down the line I would dust off my pipes and use them. I haven’t. But yeah, I guess it was pretty great when karaoke became a normal thing to do. I felt happy that I could share my gift with other people. What I don’t really understand is why GOOP sang at Royal Albert Hall with Jay-Z when I don't get invited to sing anywhere! That was a surprise to me as much as anybody else. .

KK: Personally I was very surprised at your extensive knowledge of hip-hop songs. Particularly how you can sing ’90s hip-hip songs word for word. I can’t even do that! How does a girl from Wesley discover hip-hop?

J: Well, like GOOP and every other white girl over 30 I first was exposed to hip-hop when I was a kid in the late 80s. There was the Beastie Boys, Public Enemy, Run-DMC, LL Cool J, N.W.A . Frankly I don’t understand why you think it's a big deal, let alone why Jay-Z thinks it is a big deal, to know the lyrics to some ‘90s hip hop. Listen to some hip-hop Jay-Z. Sheesh.

KK: Does that extend to pop and rock music as well? Did you do the whole lace gloves circa Madonna and flannel shirts in the ’90s circa Kurt?

JL: Yes.

KK: Speed round: Miles or Coltrane?

JL: Pah, jazz, who gives a shit.I can just imagine GOOP and Jay-Z sitting around listening to Miles Davis together. So gross.

KK: The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?

JL: Beatles

KK: Patsy Cline or Billie Holiday?

JL: Groan, Paltrow thinks she is so good loving all that black music. I’m not afraid to say Patsy. I think Billie is so great, but I love this song so much.

KK: Biggie or PAC?

JL: Biggie. Of course.

KK: Michael or Prince?

JL: Prince. It pains me that GOOP and I have so many of the same answers.

KK: And finally, would you ever make a solo album?

JL: God! YES PLEASE! Mate, I have never, ever wished you were anyone but you, but right now I really wish you were Jay-Z so you could produce my solo album. I’m totally covering that Patsy Cline song on it. God, what else is going to be on it...I guess ‘I think I love you’. And Purple Rain. A 25 minute extended mega mix. My album would be so much better than GOOP by GOOP.


  1. I wonder if GOOP has some kind of trawl set up so she can see who is referencing GOOP right now.

  2. She probably sits down with a glass of Chardonay of the evening and reads all the comments about her.

  3. I hope fuckyoute makes it into the Oxford.