Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Oscars round up 2017 (the hunk report)

Well yesterday was finally Hot Oscars day! Oh sure it was also the day that the wrong movie was named as best picture, but we all know that, we don't need to go on about it, right. The real question was did the producers manage to fuck up the golden platter of hunks and make it hunkless and boring? Well the answer is... yes and no. Sadly for me and you and K, K had to work yesterday so we had very one sided text conversation.

Viggo Mortensen and Casey Affleck were both in the front couple of rows so there was a lot of action there. And Jimmy Kimmel hosted so there was a lot of referencing of Matt Damon who was sitting right behind Casey. Oh, and Casey won. So you know there were a lot of special moments. And I really liked when they showed Casey reading a mean tweet in this brown sweater.

Ryan Gosling was up front too and that was nice. And when this unknowing tour bus full of people were ushered into the room and down past the front row The Gos was the first to jump up and say hello. Hot. I also liked his mean tweet.

Gael Garcia Bernal presented an award. So did Dev Patel. And I liked how Viggo brought his son. So yeah, there were some hot moments. But holy shit, those fucking awards are so self-indulgent and I think they're getting worse.

Lucky for me I had Pickle as a text buddy during the ceremony. I missed Viola Davis's speech but Pickle drew my attention to the fact she said  "Acting is the only profession that celebrates what it is to live a life." Yes, acting is sooooooo special. Every time a best actor award was given they played clips from moments of past acceptance speeches. As if watching them the first time isn't painful enough. And there was some fucking thing where a famous actor would talk about some older famous actor they loved when they were a kid and then those two actors would come out and present something together, but only after getting a standing ovation. FUCK. Get your fucking hand off it Academy. I know I say this every year, but I just don't know if I can watch next year. And yet I know I won't be able to look away 😔

Monday, February 27, 2017


A collection of portraits of KB's closest friends. 

Gummi bear. We bought him for a fiver at the Reservoir tip shop. Great place, you should all go sometime.

Zebra Lee Furness. Plays twinkle twinkle little star when you squeeze its ear. But the batteries are running out, so it sounds like HAL singing in the final stages of 2001: A space odyssey.

Finally, MC Hammerhead. KB LOVES MC Hammerhead. 

Friday, February 24, 2017

Well...shit (KI day 5)

Kangaroo Island is bloody beautiful. The beaches are like a dream. And then there's Flinders Chase National Park which is home to Admiral's Arch and Remarkable Rocks, which are, to say the least, remarkable. They are these huge sculptural geological beauties which really make you marvel at nature. And life. And everything. 

Admiral's Arch is also incredible.  Although visiting on a day so windy you could basically lie on the wind at a 45 degree angle made the walk somewhat unpleasant, seeing the coast in those conditions was pretty spectacular. The wild wind and sea, a bunch of seals just chillaxing amidst it all.

And the fish and chips down here, though terribly expensive, are among the best I've ever had.  Oh sure, when you try to make a phone order the phone just goes to the owners mobile who isn't at the shop and just tells you to walk down there and order. And she's right, it is quick. And it's effing worth it. 

When we arrived on Sunday after the 9-hour drive, the brown hotel room, the $200, 45-minute ferry ride LB and I were saying, "Well this is nice, I can't imagine we'll ever be back here." By Wednesday it was "Next time we come let's camp for two nights here, book a house there..." 

So I get it. Kangaroo Island? Oh its beautiful. 

Thursday, February 23, 2017


When I got out of the shower this morning and saw my footprints on the bath mat, I thought what absolutely anyone would think when faced with the same sight:
God I have fantastic arches.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Sunshine and isolation (KI day 3)

Well on Monday the sun came out and the skies were blue and I can assure you this really helped show Kangaroo Island to its full advantage. We saw some beautiful beaches. I mean the coast is really beautiful. Check it out:

But if I'm honest on Monday I didn't think it was any more beautiful than the beaches of northern NSW. But on Tuesday we travelled further afoot, down the beaches of the south coast. And shit you guys, these beaches are something else. Fine white sand. The sea a colour that looks photoshopped. Blue-green and crystal clear. They're bloody beautiful.  And on top of this there's the lack of people. You don't see empty beaches like this everyday and that is pretty goddamn special. And the kind of beauty I couldn't really capture on my iPhone.

And on top of this there's the Ligurian bees. As K mentioned KI has a population of them but not just that, it's a pure population with no other honey bees on the island and you're not even allowed to bring honey here lest you pollute the population. We went to a honey farm where we tasted some fine honey and even finer honey ice cream. It was fan-bloody-tastic. It had this beautiful creamy flavour and texture and it wasn't too sweet. It was so delicious I wanted to go back for more yesterday.

But everything is quite far here and you can't just go out of your way for honey ice cream every day. According to the designated driver. So I just had a mini Magnum for desert. It was as good as the Clifford's Honey Farm honey ice cream. I'll be thinking about that for a long time. 

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Cool facts about KI

Wikipedia has taught me some cool facts about Kangaroo Island. 
1. It's Australia's third largest island after Tasmania and Melville Island.
2. Previous indigenous populations left the island due to sea level rises. Apparently.
3. Early settlers of the colony of South Australia wanted to make the capital of South Australia on KI. Others didn't, and in the end the others won. 
4. It has sea lions and penguins and awesome birds of prey. 
5. It is home to many Ligurian bees, also known as Italian bees. I don't know what makes an Italian bee different from a regular bee. Do they use their hands a lot when they buzz? 🐝 🇮🇹 🤷‍♀️

Monday, February 20, 2017

Pretty pretty (KI day 1)

Everyone I told that I was going to Kangaroo Island would either say "Oh, it's beautiful!" Or "It's meant to be beautiful!"

On Saturday we left Melbourne. Me with a motherfucker of a headache, LB with a cold and the mood of a person that's been running around since 7am plus some the night before and Baby, Newbie and Whoopsie with the respective constitutions and temperaments of 6-year-, 3-year- and 4-month-olds, none of which were made for day-long drives.

So we drove for 9 hours with many tears and not as many laughs and stayed the night in a very small, brown motel room in Victor Harbour which the children thought was fantastic and I kind of loved because it was stationary and had comfortable beds and gave me that sense of being anywhere and nowhere which is one of the joys of a shitty motel.

Yesterday we caught a ferry over to Kangaroo Island under grey skies and periodic rain and somewhat underdressed and to be honest Penneshaw, where we docked just seemed like any small Australian town. We've driven around a little and it seems nice. Cute old stone buildings all over the place, some nice vistas and beaches. It's totally pretty. I've seen heaps of pretty places before though.  But behind where I write this is a whole island yet to been seen, so I guess today will prove just how deserved this reputation is. 

Friday, February 17, 2017

Little pleasures

It's been a busy week for me. I'm still adjusting to working four days and I have been getting so little sleep on account of KB wanting to party all night. I guess I'm  just worn out and vulnerable. 
But it's Friday and I'm about to have two whole days with my loved ones. The Dees play tomorrow night. Things are looking up. 
And to really ease myself out of the hard part of the week and into the sweet sweet weekend, I'm going to have two coffees today and a Banh mi. 

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Oh dear

Well I've finally lost it. Last night I dreamt I had an adjoining hotel room with Michelle and Barrack Obama. They were lovely by the way.  

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Also wholesome AF

have also had some recent garden experiences that can be described as wholesome AF. 
For example, here is KB eating a strawberry off a bush in our backyard.
Less wholesome and certainly less awesome is that this was taken right after we had spent ten minutes opening and shutting the lid of the bin. 

Here is my almost ripe pumpkin.


It's a bit weird but it's mine, so what can you do? 

And finally, here are the tomatoes that I  have failed to stake effectively.
Delicious little fuckers! 

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Wholesome AF

Early last spring I pulled out the last of our winter crops (a few bitter beetroot and some gone-to-seed rainbow chard) filled the beds with compost and allowed the earth to settle before I planted my summer crops. And you can bet that putting down that compost with a fresh layer of mulch on top made me feel pretty productive and in tune with the earth and happy to have neat garden beds. But summer came and is nearly gone and I never planted the summer plants. Lucky for me though, a bountiful crop of tomatoes a couple of summers ago seems to have imparted annual self-seeded plants to that bed and a healthy plant sprouted this year without me doing anything. I kept looking at it thinking I should stake it and prune it and these thoughts came and went, much like the summer and now that plant is growing along the ground, but the tomatoes keep growing and ripening and I guess before nurseries and neat garden aesthetics tomatoes probably did grow along the ground, so I'm just  thinking that I'm like the OG.*

When we got home from school yesterday Baby and Newbie wanted to pick those tomatoes (cherry styles) and ran inside to each get a bowl and pick the toms. Guys, watching your children pick their own after-school snack from your garden makes you feel wholesome as fuck! I got such goddamn joy watching that tomato-picking and just thinking about them eating those little toms. It was the best.

I feel the same way when I see Whoopsie's modern cloth nappies (as they're known) drying on the line. Yes, I put two children through all their nappy-wearing years in disposables and the resulting self-loathing meant that I have finally switched to reusables and despite knowing how terrible I've been using those disposables, seeing cloth nappies on the line just makes you feel so wholesome it's like all your sins are washed away. That picture up top is just a picture I stole from the internet. My washing line and backyard do not look like that. Imagine if they did! I'd be fucking drowning in wholesomeness!! Lucky my backyard is way scuzzier.

*Original gardener

Monday, February 13, 2017

The haves and the have nots

Last night was another of what I like to call KB's party nights. When he wakes up at about 11pm and wants to party and wants us to party with him. Yada yada yada I'm really tired today. 

I'm on my way to work and while I usually enjoy my choice of seating options on the #86 at this hour, for some reason this sardine can is packed. 

I feel a little hard done by. I was really looking forward to a little micronap but I can't do that standing up, can I? I'm not Phar Lap! I feel like if these people knew how little sleep I'd had then they'd agree I need the seat. If only there was a way of silently communicating to the world how difficult your personal circumstances are, so the seats can be given to the most deserving. I guess there are faces. Those things provide an indication of what's going down. Looking at the faces I have to admit that maybe I'm not the most deserving person. Though it's hard to tell what with everyone looking down at their phones. 

Replace those papers with phones and you've got my commute! 
I can't tell if I deserve a seat more than my brothers and sisters on the #86. But boy do I want one. 

Friday, February 10, 2017

Take a long hard look at yourself

This is a pile of fish called gaebuls and it's what you get if you decide to Google "fish that looks like a penis"

Yesterday K texted me to ask if I had any found cock pictures on my phone and I had to tell her, 'No'. I can't even remember the last time I took a found cock picture. It really depressed me. I mean, I'm just trying to get through the day, get from A to B while making sure my children are OK and when was the last time I stopped to smell the roses, or better still, appreciate something that isn't meant to look like a cock but does. Or an amusingly placed cock graffito. When was the last time I did something for me?! It's time I took a long hard look at myself, reset, prioritise and just find the beauty and hilarious cocks in the world. So, thanks, Mate, we all need a reminder sometimes to think about what's important.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

A great thing

For ages I've been complaining about the fact that whoever delivers the local newspaper on our street has interpreted our "no junk mail" sign to mean we don't want it. Crazy! We totally want it! 
The other day, I noticed that Applehart had taken the sharpie with him while watering the garden and then the next day, discovered this: 
Appleheart does great things like this all the time.