Royal Melbourne Show, you're ok by me!

The Show gets a really bad rap. Does it? Or is that just me? I just think of it as heaps of crappy food and way too many people. Nothing but show bags and people trying to sell you really shit shit. Ugh. But you know what? I went last week and I kind of loved it.

I think there were two keys to success. Firstly, I was with LB and Baby. Baby is only 16 months old, he doesn't know what he is missing out on when I don't buy him fairy floss or show bags or giant inflatable plastic glittery things and when I don't put him on rides. He just likes looking at all the stuff.

The second thing was that it was a really miserable day. Cold, a little bit wet. Sounds bad right? But you know it made it kind of great because there were not too many people there and also you just want to get from place to place, no dawdling, just head down and move through the wind and cold. It means it is so easy to ignore all the ugly stuff that makes you not want to go to the show.

I will admit that the main reason we went was to see the Irish Setters. Doggy's brothers from another mother.

Here are some now.



We missed the showing bit (which is pretty weird anyway) and just walked down the aisles checking out these hot bitches. And dogs. Win.

After that we checked out the poultry and alpaca pavilion. OMG! Poultry friggen rules! Do you know how beautiful chickens are?! Really. Their feathers are actually so beautiful!



Do you know how many weird variations there are?




Did you know there are ducks with 18th century style bouffant?



And do you know, I mean really know, what a turkey looks like?


The poultry pavilion rules! OK!

Of course the animal nursery was also awesome. Cute little piggies and calves and donkeys. An adorable baby duck. And I saw a lamby that was born at 6am that DAY! Just walking around like an adorable little lamby.



Finally, of course, we went to the Country Women's Association pavilion. I love the CWA pavilion. I love how they put all the winning foodstuffs in glass cabinets to look at.


Like you can see a sponge and make some kind of assessment. "Mmm, you can tell by the height and crumb of this one that Marge really deserved to win."




Oh, and they have a fancy food pavilion these days too where people give you free samples.

You know the show really taught me to overcome some prejudices. You should check it out! Except it ends today. Whoopsee.

Spring is the best. Almost.

I know it was fricking freezing this morning but at least it was sunny. It is almost as if you wrote that post some other time than this morning. Surely not.

Thank god at least the sun is here. On that rainy and miserable mother of a Saturday that could only be salvaged by the Cats’ win and Jimmy Bartell and Joel Selwood’s pretty faces and mad skillz I was virtually in tears, so over the winter am I.

I love spring, but she is a fickle mistress. I love the sun, the blossoms, the blue sky, the floral smells. I love it all. Except for the way spring inexplicably becomes colder and more miserable than winter sometimes. Oh and I hate the goddamn plane trees. Cute little green seed pods, you say. Itchy bombs I say. I can feel them in my throat right now. Taste them in my mouth. I hate the way they get everywhere. The house, my coffee, my throat, my everything. The only good thing about plane trees is singing about them to the tune of Flame Trees. I best stop now, because no-one needs to hear about my hate for plane trees on such a lovely afternoon.

Come on spring, help a sister out

A few weeks ago I started writing a post about how much I love the shit out of spring.
I like how all the blossoms bloom and the plane trees sprout their cute little green seed pods.
I like how there is all this sunshine and you don't need a coat.

Walking to the tram stop in the morning is so nice in the springtime. It looks like this.

Isn't that super nice?

Of course, when I started writing this post, it was really nice weather and springtime was putting on a whole song a dance for us. Now spring has flipped us all the bird and has totally nicked off.
WTF is your problem spring?
Now, when I walk to the tram stop in the morning, I just see a lot of greyness and sometimes, I see this bird sitting on the same spot on the same fence of the park I walk past every day, and I'm pretty sure it watches me as I walk by.

This is not the actual bird but it looks exactly like this.

If the sun was shining when this bird was looking at me, I would think it was really cute and I would give it a nickname, like Piglet, and I would look forward to seeing it in the morning. But the sun is not shining and I just feel scared like the bird wants to eat one of my eyeballs. Maybe both!
More generally, I just feel really wronged by the lack of spring.
Sorry to start the week off with a negative post guys but seriously, come the fuck on spring. Help a sister out.

PS: Obviously the grand final was on the weekend and the Cats won. This was a wonderful miracle. I really wanted to post about it today but I recognise that the season is over and I should move on.  Let my just say Jimmy Bartel, I love you, please don't ever retire, and please come and do a footy clinic at my workplace, and please bring Joel Selwood with you. I seriously think I love you. Your face is like springtime.

PPS: I actually have given the bird the nickname Piglet even though the sun does not yet shine. It is so squat and cute and makes those nice warble sounds.  And it is kind of adorable how it watches me walk past.

The Learning Atelier

J: So I think it is fair to say that we pretty much loved the shit out of our Shu Uemura Learning Atelier, right? Pretty hard not to love a thing conducted by someone as adorable as Yumi and after which we look super pretty right?

Say hello, Yumi!

K: Perhaps we should describe what the Shu Uemura Learning Atelier is. Basically it is a two hour make-up lesson from a skilled professional make-up artist who is also a really nice lady - Yumi.

Yumi really had her work cut out for her, because neither of us really know what we are doing when it comes to wearing the make up. Of course we've worn make up before. But just because we've done it, doesn't mean we know what we are doing. I mean, I've swum breast stroke a bunch of times, doesn't mean I have the first clue about technique. Anyway, we took the lesson because we wanted to learn some things. The kinds of things that could support the groom quest. We started at the very beginning, because its a very good place to start. Yumi cleaned our faces with nice smelling stuff. Then she put the equivalent of a base coat on us. This product is really just meant to even out your skin tone a little bit, and sit underneath foundation.

She pretty much could have stopped there, because with just the base coat we looked kind of awesome.

J: I know! Already so evenly toned and beautiful! I actually think, though, that once the foundation was on, even though we looked so pretty, I felt like my face was too even. I know, it sounds crazy, but I guess I felt a bit weird about going from normal face to one-tone face. I wonder if I hadn't had the base on I would have been more inclined to buy foundation afterwards. Well I guess I will just have to try your foundation and see.

So once we had those beautiful faces we went to the eyes, right? I really liked how Yumi started with the subtle daytime eye and graduated to night time eye. So we could see every type of eye.

Remember how Yumi was all, "oh, some girls want to have a sexy smoky eye, you know. They are like sexy, party girls, but that's not you guys." Um, maybe that is us!

Liquid eyeliner. Don't be afraid.

K: I've been noticing everyone's make-up since we got our lesson, particularly 'sexy party girls'. I think Yumi totally had us pegged as non 'sexy party girls'. However, whether we became non-sexy party girls by choice, or whether we had non-sexy party girl thrust upon us is a different matter.

Anyway. You know, one of the other things I learnt from the Shu Uemura Learning Atelier? The importance of applying stuff to my face in an upwards direction. Apparently if you slap stuff on your face with a downward sweeping motion, gravity will appreciate your help and you will look like a shar pei in no time at all. Undesirable. If you sweep upwards, gravity will get no leg up from you.

The Shu Uemura Learning Atelier also taught me how to use liquid eyeliner. That stuff has always seemed like more trouble than it is worth. But the Shu Uemura liquid eyeliner is super easy to use and looks so neat on the eyelid.

So neat.

J: YES! Upwards direction. Every time I apply moisturiser or anything else to my face with that upwards direction I feel like it is lifting and prettyfying my face. I am starting to think that this grooming caper is at least 60% placebo effect. But I don't even care. Whatever works.
The liquid eyeliner makes you look beautiful. I also like how I learnt that just because I am attracted to a thing that doesn't mean I should wear it. Like, there was this sparkly red eyeshadow that I could not take my eyes off. And I asked Yumi if she thought I could wear it but she told me my red skin tone would not be enhanced (I'd look fug) by the red eyeshadow. Sadly, I know she was right. But it was good having her tell me because otherwise I probably would have tried it even though I knew it wouldn't suit me. It's yet another grooming issue I have.

Let's all just stick to what suits us, shall we?

Oh, and I also loved how Yumi drew those pictures for us to help us remember what the hell we are doing!

Real life demonstration of learning

Yumi's drawings

K: I know, I loved that too! I also took notes during the lesson, because sometimes I don't remember things that I have just been told. Here are some of the very helpful notes I took.

Sure, it seems simple, but its already proved quite helpful.

Feel free to use my notes, guys.

All in all, the Shu Uemera Learning Atelier was completely awesome.
Thanks J and Yumi!

J: Yeah! Thanks Yumi, I am so much prettier now! And thanks K.

Oh, and GO CATS!

A question of grooming

Mate! I have often wondered about the Satorialists grooming tags and I do have a few thoughts on the matter. I mean, I agree with you in my understanding that grooming is the way people present themselves above and beyond the clothes they wear. But maybe the Sartotialist is seeing things that we don't see.

Like, that first guy in your post, with the grooming tag, he has a much neater knot in his scarf. And he has a beard he would have to look after. Maybe the Sartorialist thinks this makes a huge difference.

Or maybe when he is taking the photos there is something different about the grooming tag people to the non-grooming tag people.

Or maybe he just forgets the grooming tag sometimes. Cause if you ask me everyone on that damn website has enviable grooming.

I think I have used the word grooming too much this week. I don't even know if I am using it right anymore.

Defining grooming

OK, given that we are more than half way through Groom Week, perhaps I am a little late coming to the party on this, but I have to ask: why does The Sartorialist tag some pictures with 'grooming', but not others? For example, here is one of his 'grooming' tagged posts.

Here is one without the grooming tag.

With:

Without:

I can't understand it!
I thought grooming was the way people present themselves above and beyond the clothes they wear. Isn't it? Aren't all of these people well groomed? They seem to be to me. What am I missing here?

Porcine style

Um, mate, you totally dress like Olivia the Pig.
But this is absolutely not a grooming problem, it is a grooming solution. Olivia looks great in all those outfits you showed and mate, so do you. I mean, you must have had that stripey top from Genki for years, but it is such a top shelf look that it still has a place in your wardrobe. Ditto all the other things. You guys are just two stylish ladies enjoying some classic looks. Nothing wrong with that at all.

I dress a little like Olivia, but not enough for my liking. I dream of the kind of simplicity of her outfits. I wear dresses whenever I can because I don't like having to wear a top AND a bottom. It's so fussy. The fact that Olivia doesn't have to wear pants is a big win for her.
The Olivia inspired outfit I wear the most is this one:

 
Any given morning you could find me in a version of this outfit, just wearing my stockings, rocking around Chez K, getting things done before I have to put a dress on and go to work. I find it very comfortable and I'm actually dreading summer a little, because I really like wearing opaque stockings.
Anyway mate, to answer your question, you totally dress like Olivia and it's one (just one!) of the reasons that you always look so awesome.

Advice please

Readers, for a little while Miss Soft Crab has been thinking about starting an advice segment, because obviously we have a lot of excellent advice for people. Then one of our faithful and beloved readers suggested the same thing! So you know what?! Here it is. Of course usually K and I will both be giving advice, but today, to start things off I am just going to ask K for some advice re: grooming. But if YOU want some advice from Miss Soft Crab you can leave a comment, email us at misssoftcrab@gmail.com or leave a comment on our Facebook page

So mate, can you please help me out. Do you think that one of my grooming problems may be that I dress like Olivia the ~4-year-old pig? Here is a selection from Olivia's wardrobe and my wardrobe.









What do you think?

The Miss Soft Crab Brownlow Blue Carpet Wrap Up

Day 2 of Groom Week comes to you from the Brownlow Blue Carpet. As with most Brownlow medal counts, J and I texted one another throughout the show. Here are our special comments, starting with J.

I'm sure by now you have all heard of the 'fashion pod'. It was basically a giant lazy susan that the WAGS would stand on, and slowly rotate. Being able to see the WAGS from all angles made me realise that back fat is a serious problem that affects all of us: from the normal looking to the very very hungry looking.
Anyway. this is the outfit we referred to as Beauty Secrets Barbie (later reclassified as Twirly Curls Barbie):

And here is Laura Palmer:

  Now back to the special comments.
Have I told you guys that Midbro is having another baby? It's true, he totally is. Perhaps don't mention that I told you about the name Jobe/Gob being on the shortlist if you guys see him. He's quite discreet and probs wouldn't want me telling people. I couldn't find a picture of the lady wearing the curtains, so let's all have a look at Jobe shall we?

 More special comments:
Look, Jimmy's girl, obviously we don't hate you because we have never met you. But you are going out with Jimmy who we love very much, so bitch, you are fair game. Also, eat a sandwich some time lady.

Also, try to at least act like you are happy. If I was going home with that, I think I could muster a little more enthusiasm.

OK guys, I need to suspend normal broadcast activities for a moment while I tell you something. After the show last night, J uploaded all the screen dumps of our text conversation in to this post, so all I had to do was annotate and add the pictures of the WAGS. Thanks J, you are so helpful! However, I am a tad clumsy and accidentally deleted some of them. I thought about calling J and asking her to upload them again, but I didn't want to disturb her because she might be sleeping in, she has a baby you know. So the following three screen shots actually come from my phone. So grey is J and green is me. This is K, by the way. I'm sorry guys.
Lets get back to the commentary, shall we?

 I like Mrs Demetriou's outfits normally. This one, not so much.

But she is a good looking woman. There's no denying it. Meanwhile, have you guessed who we thought looked like she was wearing vomited up corn?

Honestly, Twiggley. I can't even look at you. And if you think i'm going to include a photo of Nathan Buckley here then you've got another thing coming. Dude has been on my TV screen practically every day for a million years, he's not getting on my blog too.

As for this next sequence of messages, they were  sent after a 10 minute interview with some guy who owns some suit shop where tonnes of players got their suits fitted, including Miss Soft Crab favourites Gary Ablett and Joel Selwood.

For some reason, none of the Brownlow photo galleries have any pictures of Gary and Joel that are worth a damn. Lets go back to the archives, shall we?

I'm just going to let that picture speak for itself. 

Several more messages were sent through the evening, including one that said "phwoar, have a look at this!" when Gary and Richo were having a little interview that, again, the galleries refuse to capture (WTF galleries! Get to know your audience why don't you?). But I prefer to leave you with this final image of what a Ling night ahead might actually look like.

Go Cats.

It's Groom Week

Look guys, it's possible that we are crazy obsessed with grooming right now and you are all thinking shut up about the grooming already. But just in case you feel crazy obsessed too, we have decided to make this week Groom Week on Miss Soft Crab.
Every day we will explore aspects of grooming. There will be posts about our own grooming situation, like J's post this morning. There will be posts about other people's grooming, like our Brownlow Special tomorrow. There will be posts about make-up lessons that may or may not have taken place last weekend. It's Groom Week and anything is possible (within reason).

Now it's my turn to share. I'm going to start with hair too.
Unlike J, my hair is extremely soft and thin, with a natural wave.
Not a curl, which I could do something with, but a wave. To have thin, soft, wavy hair is a curse, and is one of the many cruel jokes that nature has played on me. It's the thinness that is the problem. When my hair is left to dry naturally, it forms this limp, pathetic little kinks and is really just a total embarrassment.
It looks like this, but much less cute:

The real problem with letting my hair dry naturally is that waviness makes it kind of lank, and the lankness robs it of the very best thing about it, which is that when it is all straight and shiny, it is exactly the colour of chestnuts. I love chestnuts and therefore I love the colour of my hair.

You absolutely can't really tell that it is the colour of chestnuts from this picture, but trust me.

Anyway, I got wise  to the reality of my situation some time ago, so for me, grooming begins with blow drying my hair after every wash.

But here's a special tip for you! If you can't be bothered washing your hair, just wash and blow-dry your fringe. It's much less annoying and people totally can't tell.
(Right guys?)

Groom Quest/ Groom Fest 2011

Remember a few weeks ago when I said that I had other things on my mind than grooming, like Libya and global economics and some other things I just said so y'all wouldn't think I was totally superficial? Well that was pretty much a lie. And, um, I think maybe we should talk about grooming all week!

But you'll be happy to know that I think I am making some progress. I have identified what I think are the 3 keys to my grooming downfall. And, as we all know, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

1. Firstly, what the eff am I meant to do with this friggin hair?! (Seriously, if you know the answer to that PLEASE leave a comment.)


My hair problem is this, it is kind of curly but needs some help to go full curly and look good. Also I can make it straighter, kind of nice wavy. But this also needs help. I kind of like both of these looks but on some days my hair wants to go one way and other days the other, or one look seems easier to cultivate but it means I am always only half committed to a look and wondering if I should be going the other way. This in turn means I only half commit to the actual grooming because I may be doing one thing while secretly wanting the other. This in turn makes me look shit.

Without a doubt my hair is the biggest hurdle I have to overcome on Groom Quest 2011 and I am nowhere, nowhere near overcoming this.

2. My face. My face is fine, my skin is ok. But you know how when you see really well groomed people their complexion is always clear and lovely and their skin tone is even? That's what I want! I want it so bad. But I have always been scared of lots of make up. But not any more people. This I have finally found the answer too. More on that later this week.

3. The final major issue standing between me and grooming is my previous lack of desire to spend lots of time and money on this thing. Well you know what? I am so obsessed right now these things are no longer objects. I just do that shit, yo. Throw money at it. Spend time on it! YEAH! First I bought all this expensive skin care. And you know what, my skin is really nice these days. Then, the other day I spent heaps of dough on new bras because I thought that new bras would make all my clothes sit better! Does it work? I don't know. Don't even care. I feel like it does. YEAH JUST THROW MONEY AT THIS SHIT AND YOU'LL FEEL A MILLION BUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Look, I don't really think you have to throw heaps of money at grooming but I guess I am just really saying you have to commit to it and do whatever it is you feel you have to do to make it happen. That's all.)

I LOVE TO GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!