Worries

I spoke to my Mum today and she told me that she was just about to get out of bed. It was 11:30am, and it was the first thing she said to me.

“Hi darling, I’m just getting out of bed”. 

This is strange because it’s a strange way to start a conversation, and it’s also strange because my Mum would typically have done a whole bunch of stuff by 11:30am. But since she had the stroke, she’s been different and the tricky thing is figuring out what’s a difference to worry about and what’s just different because she is in fact, different. 

At first, after the stroke, she was very very tired and would stay in bed and sleep a lot more. This is very normal and reflects that fact that her brain has been damaged. After a few weeks her energy levels picked up and she would stay in bed, but read her book or “do things on the iPad”. I think that meant read the news and read emails and maybe look at photos of the kids. When she did get up, she may or may not get out of her PJs and that was somewhat alarming to everyone because my Mum loves to look groomed. She does not look groomed in her PJs. 

But heck, the woman was recovering from a stroke and so we all figured as she got better she would be more motivated to get her groom on. 

It’s been a month and a half now, so still not that far out from when it happened, but I think my dad and my brother are a bit concerned by her ongoing interest in staying in bed and not getting dressed. I’m not sure how worried I should be. Maybe she’s just finally wise to the fact that lying around in PJs all day is actually pretty great, and she’s finally, at 75, letting herself do it. I mean, that sounds about right, doesn’t it? 

I think my Dad and brother are put out by it because it’s a visual reminder of the fact that she’s changed, she’s not as invincible as she once was, she’s vulnerable and not the person who is effectively keeping our whole family safe and cared for. 

But we’re all adults. We can take care of ourselves now, more or less. Doesn’t she deserve to lie around? 

I think so. 

The new work order

K, you are right on sister. The new work environment is pretty weird. My work is using a lot of Slack and a lot of Zoom. I have a Zoom meeting basically every day and they are barely about work. I was asked to attend a weekly meeting on my day off, as if just because I'm at home I have nothing better to do than dial into a meeting that has nothing to do with me. I missed the first one and apparently all I actually missed was the director complaining about working at home and how his daughter is sick and he and his wife have to sleep in different beds. Yikes!

I did go to last week's meeting though and spent 55 minutes listening to the directorate talk about things that have absolutely nothing to do with me or the rest of my team. I thought about turning my camera off and walking away but was worried someone may ask me something. Unlikely as that was. Although at minute 55 the director thought he had to justify my team's presence and asked us how we were going. We each spoke about our home office set up for one minute. Most of my team work at our dining table or in the bedroom. Most of the directorate have a dedicated study or the pick of many rooms in their big houses. Needless to say I told my manager I would not be coming to that meeting again.

Slack is something else again. We have a a team channel and a channel for everyone in the research institute where I work, where professors log on and say things like "Good morning peeps 😎" It's pretty weird. People share pictures of the meals they made last night, there wedding photos from years ago. It's weird how these internet relationships bring a new kind of intimacy. Or maybe it's not. I mean, I guess my email relationships with people are different to my face-to-face relationships. But now there's only online relationships. With people we know but won't see for months. Let's hope things don't get too weird.😬

One week down

Apologies for being three days late with this post. We've all got quite a lot going on, right?

I suspect a lot of people's ability to multitask is really being tested this week. Not mine, because as we all know I'm a unitasker and have no expectations of myself with regards to multitasking. It's good to know that about yourself. 
Appleheart took most of the week off and has been looking after kids while I get used to being back at work. 

Mostly things are the same, but now we all communicate on Teams, and no one sends emails, and it's perfectly normal to respond to messages from the CEO with an emoji. It's not just normal, it's encouraged. 

I feel about this the way I feel about young men wearing trousers without socks. Remember how all of a sudden, about 10 years ago, young gentlemen started wearing, like, stovepipe trouser with shoes and no socks, so their ankles were on display for everyone to see?

It was very surprising and for a while I would feel a little startled every time I saw an ankle but now, I'm used to it. I'm very adaptable like that. I suspect I'll soon be replying with winky faces.

Anyway, It's been a good first week. I mean, it's no sitting around watching RuPaul's Drag Race while I cuddle a sleeping baby, but we all knew that had to come to an end. 

I hope y'all have had good weeks too.

Thank god for autumn 💓

I see you out there autumn 

Since Miss Soft Crab went on indefinite hiatus a few things have changed. Not many, but a couple. I don't freelance anymore, I work at a university now. I mean right now I work for a uni at my house. Obvs. But a couple of weeks ago, when I was still at the uni I was taking a (very) little walk with a friend. We go get a coffee in the afternoon and weather and workloads permitting, we walk from the cafe to the library stand for a minute in the sun and return to work. We were talking about the beautiful autumn sunshine and I told her that I used to write a blog and every autumn I would end up writing a post about my love for autumn. I did not know that in a matter of weeks that blog would be resurrected and I would be able to once again be able to sing out my love for autumn in blog post form.

But here we are, on a blog in the midst of autumn. The weather has been truly beautiful.Warm days, sunshine, crisp mornings, doona-requiring nights. Everything beautiful about autumn. Occasional rain, calling for pasta and red wine. Oh, autumn. And I remember the days, just weeks ago, walking from the cafe to the library with colleagues, reveling in all of autumn's beauty. Autumn really is magnificent. But this confinement is not showing autumn in its best light (despite the beautiful light).

Sure I go outside, but not in the same random way as real life takes you outside. Not at all times of day. And only, mostly to my backyard. When I was recalling my love letters to autumn, they were soaring, and heartfelt. Can you even have soaring feelings when you are housebound? I'm yet to discover if this is possible but I'm hopeful that the answer will be yes.

Into the fog

Today, I go back to work after a year of maternity leave. 

I’m dressed in business attire and my hair is brushed. I’ve got shoes on. I had a shower!

It’s a lot of prep to just go downstairs and work in the garage, but I’ve got to make a good first impression. 

In Sweden, when they cheers, they say ‘in i dimman’. It means ‘Into the fog’. I really like it. It’s how I feel about this day and these times. 

Gosh, so serious. 

The COVID conflict

Mate, I'm glad your subconscious thinks I'll be happy as a blonde. I'll definitely take that into consideration.

Like K, I have received a lot of emails from business about snap sales and great new work from home outfits I could be buying. Though none so ridiculous as that Scanlon and Theodore one. I need a sequin halter top to swan around my house like I need a hole in the head.

I have really conflicting feelings about shopping. I do want to support the businesses I like, it'd suck if an SOB like COVID 19 took them down. But also, I do not need new clothes right now. I have basically been wearing the same clothes for three days straight. And the beauty of this home confinement is that all the clothes I'm not wearing while stuck inside will feel like a new wardrobe when the doors are finally open. But on the flipside, I do love stuff! I imagined that being confined to the house I'd be rolling in money. I'm not spending money on petrol or parking at work. Not spending on swimming lessons. About to get a partial refund on poor Baby's school camp that got cancelled. And yet I somehow I'm just as broke as ever.

I do very much want a new pair of pyjamas though. And I feel like that is a legit purchase. Not that I'm a person who hangs out in pyjamas. Ewww. No I get up in the morning and get dressed thank you very much. But if the only thing to mark the transition from day to night is changing from home clothes to pyjamas, then I want that transition to be pretty bloody enjoyable. Winter is coming. And I need some new flannel. And like that I'm convinced. Excuse me. I gotta do some online shopping. I mean, get back to work.

Reading the mood

Hey Mate, I had a dream you went blonde and you were really happy with it. Maybe it’s something to look forward to for the other side.

Meanwhile, I woke up to the news that EFFING PRINCE CHARLES has covid-19. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because the brother has to interact with a lot of people and the footage I saw on ABC news breakfast this morning suggests he’s had a hard time shifting from handshakes to elbow-taps. I’m assuming he has no shortage of locations in which to self-isolate, and he’ll no doubt be fine. But maybe he won’t be.  He’s no spring chicken. He could die. He could give it to his mother and she could die. 

Let’s move on. 

I’m assuming your inboxes are all stuffed full of messages about temporary closures, changes to opening hours, snap sales and what not. Poor retail business-owning folk. Poor folk who work in retail and cafes and schools and, like, everywhere that things are super messed up. So, like, everywhere. 

Most of these emails express confusion and uncertainty,  and some of them have a touch of optimism which I’m finding extremely lovely. 

Not sure Scanlan and Theodore are really capturing the mood with the email they sent me this week, subject “Luxe Statements”.  

Is the current mood really “understated luxury”? 

That sequin halter top better made out of tiny stock cubes because if not, NO THANKS. 

Hair we go

I expect to look something like this post-lock down 

So it's Wednesday today and I guess K is going to the hairdresser. Lucky Scotty's new random restrictions aren't shutting down hairdressers but only a bunch of other non-essential services, like nail parlours and beauticians, that we were told two days ago would stay open. It didn't make sense then and it doesn't make sense now. Nothing does - am I right?!

But I'm so glad K brought us to this inevitable point so quickly. Hair. It was always just going to be a matter of days before we got to hair. As it turns out it was really just a matter of day.

As I started reflecting on staying inside for months on end, I tried to focus on the positives. I'm not really happy with my hair right now, but maybe if I treat it right I'll emerge in a few months with long flowing locks! I won't have to put sunscreen on everyday, I'll never wear make up, have time to apply lovely skin care. Maybe I'll emerge with beautiful skin too. These are my dreams of course, but it's possible I'll emerge sallow, after months inside and little exercise. After the amount of toast I ate yesterday it's likely I'll also emerge fatter than I am now - will online yoga really be able to compete with all the toast. Perhaps bread will become increasingly unavailable releasing me from this particular problem. But heck you guys, let's focus on the positives.

It also occurred to me that now would be the perfect time to go blonde. I could do it, stay inside, no one would know, if it looks good I can keep it, if it looks bad it would have just been a failed experiment and I'd go back to brown, just my little secret. But going blonde would require a trip to the hairdresser and I don't know if I should do that. I mean K already had an appointment, it's one thing to keep an appointment in these trying times, it's another thing to make one! Plus, do I want to increase the trauma to my children? Things are unsettled enough, going blonde may just push them over the edge. Of course, it's only day two of serious restrictions and all the kids at home, in a couple of months I'll probably be platinum blonde from a box and crying into my morning gin.

Some of what I’d like to discuss

(Some enjoyable MSC fan art I discovered the other day)

It’s pretty good to be back, you guys, and I’ll tell you why. 

My Mum had a stroke a few weeks ago*. My Dad fell over on his way to Woolworths last Friday and broke a rib**. I’m going back to work on Monday and my little baby, Tugboat, is starting childcare three days a week***. Also, global pandemic. 

Fair is foul and foul is fair!

But what I really want to focus on today is whether my hair appointment will go ahead on Wednesday and I’m not sure I’d have the space to do that if it weren’t for MSC.

As J advised, I kind of went blonde for a while there between June 2018 and June 2019, but then returned to my beloved brunette before Tugboat was born because it felt wrong to birth a child while harboring blonde highlights. 

But that was nine months ago and girl, you look at my hair and you can tell. 

I walked past a salon in the new neighbourhood the other day and thought ‘that’s it, I’m making an appointment before it’s too late’. I made an appointment for Wednesday.

And though Scott, our Prime Minister who has the nerve to be named SCOTT during a national crisis, has not closed hairdressers, I kind of think it will be irresponsible of me to go. BUT I do love supporting a small business. And they only have one client at a time in the salon, and have committed through social media to maintaining the highest standards of hygiene. But social distancing! Infection control!

What am I going to do?****

*She’s doing really well, thanks for asking

**He’ll be fine in a little while, thanks for asking

***He’s been to multiple orientations and is settling in nicely, thanks for asking.

****LOL, we all know I’m going, this is just a therapeutic exercise.

A new beginning

GET OUT OF TOWN!* We're back!!

Oh my god you guys! Can you believe we're back here?!?

You know, when Miss Soft Crab went on indefinite hiatus a couple of years ago we thought we may see you back here one day. As K said at the time, "I'm sure there will be things that happen to us, with us, to all of us, that we'll need to come here to discuss.  Maybe when we go to Jamface.  Maybe when you/we dye your/our hair blonde.  Definitely when QEII, well, you know." Thank god QEII has not, well, you know. And we never got to Jamface. And I haven't gone blonde. Although K kinda did. I think it's safe to say that we did not imagine that a global pandemic that was changing the way we all live was going to be the thing that ended this hiatus. But it is. 

I mean, these are crazy times. Today AWOL emailed to say he had pneumonia and not coronavirus as he at first suspected, and I responded "Great news!" I mean the guy has pneumonia FFS!

A lot of other unforeseeable things happened too. Casey Affleck, a much loved MSC hunk, seen below in our last post, was revealed as a sex pest :( Ewan McGregor left his wife for another woman, so did Jimmy Bartel. Let's just say the Miss Soft Crab hunks have disappointed us. But let's just hope that in these crazy times, we don't forget to appreciate hunks. I mean, I don't think any of us could have imagined the winning combo of Brad and Leo gracig our screens and basically all media non-stop for about three months last year. And I for one couldn't be happier about that development. 

Another MSC favourite, QEII, has had a lot going on too.  Prince Harry married Meghan Markle and essentially left the royal fold, and there's the whole Prince Andrew thing. Ugh. But I feel like she's really embracing these difficult time. I mean look at this amazing outfit. 

So, here we are. Yes, we're going to talk about this weird fucking thing that is going on in the world. But we're also going to talk about all the things you've come to love us for. Hunks! Clothes! Food! Our hair. And a bunch of other stuff we thought about. 

We're back. And it feels pretty bloody good!

*Obviously you can't actually get out of town

An end

J: So mate. The end of an era and the beginning of an indefinite hiatus. How do you feel?

K: I feel happysad! Like I often feel at the end of a wonderful book. I'm so happy that I've arrived at a point of resolution, but sad that I don't get to spend time with these characters anymore.

What about you?

J: Yeah, I pretty much feel the same way. Like I think it will be a liberating new time, but also I will really miss reading and writing Miss Soft Crab!

K: I'll miss it too. Heaps.

J: I feel sad that I won't be able to explore things in the same way anymore in this forum and maybe I won't think about things the same way. And I feel like I missed all these opportunities! Like why didn't I ever write about how much I love Jonny Lee Miller's dorky Instagram account where he basically just posts pictures of his cat and stories of himself putting the last piece into puzzles!? 

K: He does? That's pretty charming. Appleheart has an amusing instagram account that involves him posting photos of abandoned trolleys, which you see a lot of in the 3072. Yesterday he posted a photo of a trolley full, and I mean FULL of protea flowers.  Maybe it's because MSC is winding up, but I found it very moving.

J: Yeah, that was amazing!

K: It was. But that's a side note. The point is that with MSC winding up, we'll be doing less pausing and reflecting.

J: YES! I really worry about that.  But I do also wonder if it will give us some space to think about things in other ways. Maybe a new way to approach MSC down the track?

K: I think we both want that to happen, right? If you love something, set it free? If it comes back to you etc etc blah blah blah?

J: You said it mate. You and all those other people said it!

So are there any old posts you've thought about this week you would have like to showcase or just have remembered fondly in this reflective time?

K: Whoa, great question. Let's see. All the HotMC posts. Every time we spoke about Ewan. You?

J: Oh god! Every time we spoke about Ewan! I'll really miss that! 

K: Oh! The times we went out for fancy meals! When we went to see Prince!

J: I recently remembered that post I wrote when I realised all my clothes lookedjust like Olivia the pig.

Yeah! When we realised Prince was creepy/sexy!

I love how MSC documents phases. Like the weird Twilight phase.  Or the current totally distracted by life phase.

K: Yeah, Miss Soft Crab has seen it all. When we started, Baby was a tiny baby. I was living in North Carlton and about to go to NYC with KJ.

We spent half that holiday talking about the dude that ran the local bar who she thought was a pretty fun guy to hang out with.  Now she's married to him and little Pip is here. 

Now KB is here, Appleheart is here. 

Newbie and Little Bean are here.

J: You didn't even know Appleheart existed!

K: I thought MONA was the best thing to come out of Hobart! And Thor Friendship.

J: Wehadn't even been to Hobart when Miss Soft Crab began!

Oh, I'm sad that when we go to Adelaide to try Jamface we won't be able to document it here. 

K:  MATE when are we going to do that?!

J: I'm sad that when I finally dye my hair blonde I won't be able to document it here!

K:  MATE when are we going to do that?!

J: I'm sad that when I discover whether or not Tom Hardy is hot I won't be able to document it here! Mate. When are we going to do all this?!

K:  Look. We're not dying, we're just putting MSC on indefinite hiatus.  And Tom Hardy is hot, it's a true fact.  And I'm sure there will be things that happen to us, with us, to all of us, that we'll need to come here to discuss.  Maybe when we go to Jamface.  Maybe when you/we dye your/our hair blonde.  Definitely when QEII, well, you know.

J: Oh geez.

K: And what happens if another true hunk comes along? We're going to have to meet here to talk about it.

J: Yeah! You're right! We're not dying. And neither is QEII!! We're just taking an indefinite hiatus! I just really love MSC!

K: Me too. Heaps.

J: May another true hunk come along, mate! I mean things looked bleak for a while there and then Hemsworth arrived! 

K: Yeah he did. Things are changing, sure. But we love MSC. And we love to eat, see and think about stuff. We're just going to do it a little differently from now on.

So Crab fans, you magnificent people, I guess we'll see you on the flip side?

J: I guess you're right mate. You're right. But can I just add Leonardo DiCaprio to this conversation? Not ‘cause I have anything to say about him, it just feels right to mention him.

And now I guess I'll say see ya!

K:  I do not take Leonardo DiCaprio for granted and I do not take Miss Soft Crab for granted.

J: Fin?

K: See you Matey. 😢

J: Bye 😭

           

Haiku Thursday

I tried to tell K last night how I loved her post yesterday. I loved how she brought us hunks through HotMC and HotMC through WTF Wednesday. Ironic that our last week before an indefinite but hopefully finite hiatus should come so easily and be so enjoyable to read and write. 

Anyway it's Thursday and there would be no other appropriate way to spend our last ever Thursday (before this hiatus) than revisiting some golden hiaku. Some may think Hiaku Thursday was just an easy way out but in fact Haiku Thursday is goldmine of pristine nuggets just waiting to be (re)discovered. Seriously there is some great shit in there. But today I'm going to reproduce some haiku from three of the most important themes to ever be explored through haiku: Sparkleface, Jews, and the most famous Jew - Jesus.  

Haiku impressions of Edward Cullen

by K and J

I

Stupid Sparkleface

With his stupid sparkly face

Get a real face!

II 

You can climb a tree

Really fast. Um, so what, guy!

So can possums! Dick.

III

Edward Cullen's best

Thing are his ever larger

Volvos. For reals guy.

IV

Girl found you're a vamp

By searching the internet. 

That's really lame, guy.

V

I think vamps are hot

But somehow Cullen kills it

Pussy vamps aren't hot.

Haiku impressions of Jacob

by K and J

I 

In real life I

Love wolves. In Twilight Saga

I'm team wolf. TEAM WOLF!

II 

I love how the wolves

Are giant. I love how they

Are too hot for shirts

III 

I love how the wind

Blows through their fur. It suggests

Sensitivity. 

IV 

As well as being

a wolf (hot), Jake just seems like

better company.

V

If Edward's feelings

For Bella are wrong, then mine

For Jacob are too 

VI

Yeah. I guess we both

Know police chief swan is more

Age appropriate.

Just one more, I promise

I love you I hate

You I love you I hate you

Breaking Dawn Part 1

If J's allowed one, then I'm allowed one

Breaking Dawn Part 1. 

You sucked so very much. So

Why can't I quit you?

 

Haiku interpretations of what a random selection of Jews might have written in their diaries during the time that they were enslaved in Egypt and leading up to their release

Pharaoh be trippin’

He be hatin’ and killin’

Why he oppressin’?

Jews are people too

The chosen people! Jealous?

Suck it up bitches!

Is this for real?

Gotta  put blood on my door?

Oi vey! What a mess!

Who’s this guy Moses?

You want I should follow him?

I hope he’s a mensch

Haiku interpretations of what one very astute observer may have written in his diary

 I

Blood, frogs, lice, flies and

Pestilence, boils, hail

Locusts and darkness

II

What’s coming next, huh?

Slaying of the first born? No!?

Suck it, oppressors

Haiku impressions of what Jesus might have written in his diary during the week leading up to his crucifixion.

Monday

Hung with disciples

Found Lazarus dead. Hells no!

Miracled him back.

Tuesday

Woke with mad craving

For felafel. So what's new?

To Jerusalem!

Wednesday

Back to back meetings.

I was all Miracles, yo!

But they be hatin'.

Wednesday (later, in the Garden of Gethsemane)

God told me "The Plan".

Gulp! Also, Judas hates me?!

WTF!? Since when?

 : (

Thursday

BEST farewell dinner

With disciples. Ate WAAAAAYY too

Much bread! *Love* those guys!

Thursday (later)

I should have shaved my

beard before supper. It's so

Full of crumbs now. LOL!