Bear with us (PM)

Yeah, over here at MSC HQ things are pretty rough. Though you need to understand, dear readers, that context makes the feelings that K and I are feeling slightly different. But it's fair to say things are rough all over. I totally understand why K wants to lie around moaning like an Italian Billy Crystal, but me, I'm in a position where I feel like I can stoically walk around just feeling like that knife block that looks like a guy full of knifes.

Or like this. Another way to describe it is like Ewan's face right here.

But bear with us guys, time makes major metaphorical stab wounds heal.

Bear with us (AM)

Look readers, I can't lie to you. It's been a rough couple of days for the Misses Soft Crab. This is largely due to a close shave with something that pretty much goes to the core of what this blog is about but I'm pretty sure neither of us a ready to talk about yet .  One day, readers, one day. When we learn how to feel again.

In the meantime, I'm afraid I'm struggling to find inspiration. Frankly, I'm struggling with respiration. I just want to lie around and make the moaning sound that Harry makes in that scene in When Harry Met Sally when he makes the moaning sound.

Remember? Here, let me show you. This version is dubbed in Italian but it doesn't matter because the moaning sound is the same in Italian. And it's the only version I could find on the internet.
But it's pretty funny, so you should watch it.

We have to talk (PM)

My lady hermano J is right. Quality, not quantity is the future of Miss Soft Crab. Like a bottle of tabasco, there's only a little bit in it but every drop is precious and packs a hard fiery punch. Miss Soft Crab is going to be like that tiny tiny bottle, but we need your help to determine when to deliver our fiery payload.
If you've ever thought about commenting on Miss Soft Crab, now is the time readers!
If you've ever tried to comment but for some reason you've had difficulty, try again readers!
If you're still having trouble, email us at misssoftcrab@gmail.com

We have to talk (AM)

So... um...I don't want to alienate you or anything but it is unlikely that you know the pressure of writing a daily blog. A blog that every day gets hundred of page views and at least three people actually arriving here on purpose. You guys, you know the expression with great power comes great responsibility...? Yeah, you know what I'm saying. And while the Misses Soft Crab may not have actual power or responsibility we do have aspirations to greatness. Or at least goodness. Well, we want a shit hot blog. And so, it's time we told you something. After this week Miss Soft Crab will be appearing new and fresh on your internet twice a week. Quality not quantity.

"What?!" I hear you ask, "But you have already been supplying such high quality in great quantity." I know guys, I know. But we are just two ladies. Two hombres. But chicks. And we don't want to live fast and die young, you know.

So in discussing how this would work K and I talked about which days would be the best two for Miss Soft Crab to run. First we thought maybe Wednesday and Friday, because everybody needs some fresh online content on Friday right. But then we thought but what about when you get to work on Monday and you just need a little something something to start off your morning before you really get your work started.  So how about Monday and Friday? Is that too far apart? We don't want you to forget about us. "Never!" I hear you cry. Oh, sure, you say that now, but time passes, memories fade. Things change, people change.

What days would y'all like? C'mon, hit me back just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan this is Stan. leave a comment. Let us know. Please.

Just taking it easy (PM)

Yeah, like a chump I am working. Lord knows why I did not take today off. I guess it is just because I am some kind of chump. Moreover, I spilled coffee on my nice dress this morning. And although I managed to clean most of the coffee out now I am just sitting here cold because the kind of dryers we have in the bathroom make for a pretty awkward drying experience, so my dress is still kind of wet. Like a chump I'm just sitting here taking it. Also because I am a chump I gave half my toastie to Baby this morning.

To compensate for all of this I am not working very hard today. Who is the chump now!?

Just taking it easy (AM)

Oh, hi guys. I almost didn't notice you there.
Yesterday we took it easy because it was Anzac day. Today I am taking it easy just because. That's right readers, there will be no work for me today, just a lot of lazing about and perhaps eating a lot of the chocolate tart I made yesterday to honour the sacrifice of the Anzacs.

Some of us are not so lucky. I know for a fact that J is at work because she is a dedicated and hard working woman. Kudos, Mate.

But today, I am lucky as heck. Day two of a four day weekend. Chocolate tart. Lying around. That's basically it.
So if you'll excuse me, I have to go and get on with that.
Bye.

Taking it easy in honour of ANZACS

Adults only (PM)

Oh, I clean my pantry out all the time. I find it so frustrating when things are all piled up on top of each other and you can’t see what you have so you buy lentils every time you go to the shop and then you find you have 5 bags of lentils in the pantry. Ugh. Also, my pantry is basically all exposed so I do what I can to make it not a horrible clutter in front of my eyes.

But being an adult is not easy. You know what troubles me? How do you pay for a manicure with your nails all wet? I don’t get manicures because I find they make my nails weak, and also as if I would spend money on such a stupid indulgence and also who has the time, and also how do you pay without damaging your polish job?! But I have had manicures and I think about getting them sometimes, because who doesn’t love to spen money on a stupid indulgence now and again? But after your nails are done and they are still wet you are expected to pay, but if you put your hand in your bag for your wallet... BAM.. polish mush! Even if you had the foresight to get your wallet out of your bag first you still have to open your wallet and get a card or money out. BAM...polish mush!

Anyway, nice pantry, Mate.

Adults only (AM)

I decided to clean out my pantry on Sunday. I think I might have told you guys about the little problem I have been having with those tiny moths that live in open packets of flour and muesli and stuff. I'd been ignoring their increasing numbers for months, but when I walked in on two of them doing it on my bathroom mirror the other day (I'm not kidding) I knew it was time to destroy their habitat.

Cleaning out the pantry is not fun. But it's something adults do and goddamn it, I have been one of those for years now so why can't I do it to?
Mainly because i'm lazy and it's a bit gross.
I found quite a few places where little moths could live happy lives. All the obvious ones, plus a container of pistachios. Everyone loves pistachios.

This is what all the stuff in my pantry looks like when it's laid out on my kitchen table.

Gross.

This is what it looks like when you drop one of the containers of flour, and almost spit the dummy, and consider calling your mother and asking her to come over and help.

The holes in the flour are were my feet were.

But this is what it looks like when you come out on the other side.

I could look in that pantry all day.

And check it out: I decided to make a whole cupboard just for my baking stuff.

I feel like a really successful person because of this. I hope you guys can learn from my example.

Hello Bobby Dobby (PM)

On Saturday night I went to J, LB and Baby's place to play with Bobby Dobby and hear J talk in a Russian accent and I have to say it was a very enjoyable Saturday night.

And while Bobby Dobby is extremely cute, the accent was the highlight for me. J does one of the best Russian accents I've ever heard. And believe me, I've heard them all. When I worked at the library, every second punter was Russian and therefore I got maximum exposure to both the Russian accent and chumps trying to imitate it. J's version is Rolls Royce class.

Check out this email exchange we had yesterday, in which I compliment J on her Russian accent.

J: How was the rest of your weekend? Mine was fine thanks. Bobby Dobby is so cute.

Should I buy these pants? 

K: The rest of my weekend was very nice thank you...(blah blah blah..I talk about what I did on Sunday, you're not missing anything...)

I should have vacuumed but I couldn't be bothered. Maybe tonight I will vacuum. (I didn't)

 

Those pants have got J written all over them mate. Totally buy them. They look like stylish Bella Swan Maternity Pants.

 

I saw those pictures of Bobby Dobby you posted. Cute! It also made me think about you saying "Hello Bobby Dobby" in a Russian accent and that made me laugh a lot. I'm laughing as I write this.

And I'm laughing as I write this.

Hello Bobby Dobby (AM)

Two months ago on the outskirts of Melbourne a litter of Irish Setter puppies was born, and all the way up in Far North Queensland LB's mother heard them calling to her. So, of course, she arranged to buy one. I am not going to complain about it because for the last 3 days this adorable puppy has been staying with us.

I'm not going to complain about the shit and piss he keeps doing in the house either, or the crying he does in the middle of the night, because he is really cute. And he is leaving in 36 hours, at which time the shit and piss levels in the house should return to normal. And did I mention he is really cute? Because, he really is.

Although his name will change, we call him Bobby Dobby. Baby named him that after he went to one music class where there was a toy monkey named Bobby Dobby. It surprised me that Bobby Dobby made much of an impression on him, but perhaps he responded for the same reason I did, because the teacher is Russian. Now imagine a Russian woman saying "Hello, Bobby Dobby." Now do it again with a better Russian accent. Great isn't it?

Yeah, you bet I am loving looking after a dog that is this cute:

And that gives me an excuse to talk in a Russian accent all the time. As if I needed one.

The hits just keep on coming (PM)

Kick is a really great album. And I’m pretty sure bloatingis something that yoghurt and vitamin companies have made up. Like how Listerine made up halitosis. I’m pretty sure that the yoghurt companies just thought they could capitalise on that feeling people get where they feel fat. I’m pretty sure that bloating is just a euphemism for fat and like 80% of the products in the world the yoghurt companies are trying to make us think (falsely) they will cure the feeling of being fat.

Well eff you yoghurt companies. Then again I guess you just proved one more time why K and I are BFFs.* So thanks yoghurt companies, tearing women down just to build them back up again.

*I know that Frandonna is 24, so I guess K and I have been friends for almost that long. And still learning new things about each other to this day. That’s love, you guys!

The hits just keep on coming (AM)

J and I have been friends for a long time now. Years and years and years. I think 22 years or something. Is that right? It's something like that.* It's a long time. It's not enough, but it's a long time.

There were many things that bonded us together in those early days. That our houses were literally across the road from one another. That we both loved the album Kick by INXS. That the film Hairspray is great, can be watched a million times and the soundtrack has got a good beat and you can dance to it. The song Maxwell's Silver Hammer...that was another one. By the time hunks came along, the glue had well and truly set. 

But though it's been many years since I bonded with J something happened on Saturday night that made it happen all over again.

While watching the footy, we saw an ad for some probiotic choc ball you can get these days, to help restore the levels of good flora in your gut. I wondered out loud how one would know whether one's good gut flora had become depleted to the point that it required restoration via a choc ball.

"Oh you know" J said "I guess you feel bloated or something?".

I could tell from the way she said it that she wasn't convinced of this. I decided to tell her something I have never told anyone before. 

"Mate...I don't know what feeling bloated feels like."

It's true. I don't. I know what eating too much feels like. I know what feeling 'fat' feels like. But bloated seems like a different thing and I don't know if I feel it. Every time I see an ad trying to sell me some product that will relieve my bloating I just sigh and gaze out the window. 

J leapt up. 

"Mate, me neither!" 

It seems that J had been in the same boat as me for yonks, only we'd never spoken about it before. A burst of excited babbling followed, in which we exchanged confessions about what it's like to live in a world where everyone knows what it's like to be bloated but us. The sweet relief of finally being understood!

It was a special moment, and made me think if J wasn't already my BFF, I would really want her to be my BFF. 

*We can actually figure this out...Mondonna once told me there is footage of me lurking about in the background of some home video from when Frandonna was a newborn baby, so we've known one another at least as long as Frandonna has been alive. And I know for a fact that there are people who read this blog who can tell us how long that has been.

An open letter to Autumn (AM)

Hey Autumn,
J is right about your light, and the things you do to leaves. You got this town blushin' for you girl.
But baby, I can't lie to you. You put a chill in my bones. Yesterday, you sent a cold southern wind right through me and I know you got more coming. Girl, you made me so cold, I decided to stop off at the store to have a look at Lamby on my way to dinner last night.

Remember Lamby, Autumn?

I went and touched her strong arms and nuzzled my face against her soft soft collar and dammit Autumn, it felt so good. But I know she can never be mine.

I don't think I can love you like J does, or like I love a bag of chips,  but I respect you, Girl. And I'm really happy for you and J.

So long, Autumn.