Haiku Thursday meets spring racing carnival (PM)

I love spring racing haiku....

I

Hi Mischa Barton. 

Your hat seems to say to me: 

Coffee anyone?

II

Twigley. Your hat says:

Who's for wedding Cake?! Oh wait:

That's something else. Soz.

III

I feel like Kate Bush

Could maybe pull this look off.

But not you, Delta. 

Haiku Thursday meets Spring Racing Carnival (AM)

*Shudder*

Saw Cup Day pictures

Everything looked so damn

Uncomfortable

WTF?

Whoa, seriously

Delta Goodrem what the fuck?!

I can't go for that.

Four more years

Four more years? Ha!

The skank of Spring Racing has

Forty more at least

Chinoserie (PM)

It's true, I really hit the ground running with this chino thing. It's not that I was desperate to immediately own a pair of chinos, it's more that I wanted to see if they really could be what I was hoping, a lightweight, stylish alternative to jeans. I basically live in a pants-based dressing economy, but as you may have noticed I am falling out of love with jeans. I considered moving to a dress-based wardrobe but I hate all my dresses so I'd basically have to start from scratch and my own personal, actual economy would not allow for that. Plus, I am too lazy to keep my legs hairless all the time and I hate looking at my hairy legs. Blah, blah, need more pants.

So yeah, I tried on two pairs of chinos in just three days, what of it. I kind of loved those Alpha chinos. I really did. But they just did not sit right on me. And I knew that they would fit K really well, I also knew that I would probably keep thinking about them even though they weren't right for me. So, I did the only thing I knew would put an end to it, tell K about them and send them her way/her their way, whatever. And sure, I've thought about them a lot. Constantly since then. Look, I feel really happy for her finding love with pants. I mean that kind of love comes along once, maybe twice in a lifetime. And sure, there is a small sting of jealousy, but friendship trumps all. Right? Right.

But that clasp. Sheesh. Nothing is perfect I guess. Me, I'd just sew them back up because I would want those pants on my ass asap. But a more perfect pant sounds good too. The answer is... the answer ...I don't know.

Chinoserie (AM)

A couple of weeks ago, J and I started talking about chinos.

They're kind of cute we noted.

They could work as a spring to summer pant we speculated.

Chinos. I know, right? We agreed.

J got on the front foot and tried some on at Country Road on the weekend. It's spend and save season you see. She sent me a photo from the change room, but they weren't that great. They didn't pass the audition.

Then on Monday, J sent me another photo from another change room. The Alpha60 change room. This one made me sit up and take notice.

This is how it went down. My comments in green, J's in grey.

First, let me say,  J is seriously the best for looking out for me like that.
And though I didn't really think I was going to translate our talk of chinos in to the purchase of chinos, moments after receiving this text message, I found myself in the change room of the Flinders Lane Alpha60 store, in a pair of chinos.

Improved. The last word in that sentence was 'improved'. 

So as you can see, now I own a pair of chinos, which I love very much.
#noregrets

But when I was trying them on with practically everything I own on Monday night, this happened.

Perhaps you can't tell, but basically the eye part of the hook and eye that is their principal fastening mechanism came loose at one end and has ceased to perform its fastening function.
This is not a disaster. I mean, I know how to sew. I can just sew it back up. But that shouldn't really happen on the first night I have them, right?
I am kind of thinking about taking them back. But taking things back is not something I normally do. But loving pair of pants as much as I love these is also not something I normally do either, so call me crazy, call me romantic, call me a sentimental fool  - but I kind of want this to be perfect so I kind of want to take them back.

So what should I do?

Short week (PM)

Oh I hear you sister! I'm at work too. But whaddaya gonna do? I only work Monday and Friday. Taking today off would be doing no one any favours.

Plus if I hadn't come to work, I wouldn't have seen this email from a woman I have never met but email for work regularly: I hope you had a good weekend.  Mine was pretty quiet, but I got to take my daughter to get her first bra on Sunday...

She said other, work related things too, but is this appropriate? Um... no.

Short week (AM)

Are you guys at work today?
I am. Like a massive chump. I bet you guys are smart and took the day off. I am not smart and the first Monday in November is about the time, every year, that I realise this.
Enjoy your short week, Crabby friends.

Fitness Friday - the Travolta method (PM)

Sure, taking exercise cues from a retold version of a routine in a book is sub-optimal, but I really could have read the book myself last time I was at J's and I saw it sitting right there in a pile of fitness paraphernalia. I didn't, readers. I didn't.

Ok. Lets get this over with.

Update on Jane. 
Um, it has not been going well.
I went for a walk around Princes Park on Wednesday. I did  some sit ups and stuff when I got home. Then I lay down on my yoga mat because my back was hurting a little and listened to This American Life and had a nap.
When I got out of bed yesterday, the yoga mat was still on the floor in the exact spot I left it after my nap. So I did a couple of salutes to the sun. Then I had a shower.
I felt great!


My views on John. 
Look, I'm not impressed with the bullshit he is spouting. We know you're looking fine  Travolta but no meals after 6pm? Ewwww, keep it to yourself.

Having said that, he was looking pretty fine in some of those pictures. But nothing gold can stay.

So knowing that, I suspect I am going to keep walking around Princes Park and doing the occasional salute to the sun.  And I am going to sustain the shit out of that routine.

Fitness Friday - the Travolta method (AM)

I am woman enough to admit that Fitness Friday was not necessarily the best idea that Miss Soft Crab has ever had. But it seemed good at first. Spend a month working out from these hilarious exercise books. As I see it there are two main flaws. First, exercising from a book is effing boring. Second, reading a badly conceived and badly retold exercise plan on a blog must be effing boring. So, Fitness Friday is changing a bit. Today I will update you on my progress with Jane and then, rather than give you John Travolta's routine, I will just give you some of his hot tips. Sounds heaps better, right?

Update on Jane

I gave that up weeks ago. A week or two ago when I was trying to do the workout but then Baby woke up and yada, yada, yada, that was that. Do you know how effing boring working out from a book is? And with no weights. Forget that. If I'm gonna do resistance training it is at a gym with some resistance. BUT, on the positive side since the implementation of Fitness Friday I have been going for runs fairly regularly and sometimes after a run I do push-ups and stomach crunches. I think I kind of have Jane to thank for that. I wonder how K has been going

The Travolta Method
 
John Travolta Staying Fit is all about combining the the 'spontaneity and excitement of dance with the building and toning of weightlifting'! Sounds like my kind of routine. I WANNA DANCE! Also, I love weightlifting cause I love getting strong and getting muscles. But right now I don't do any. It's a lifestyle (laziness) issue. So I guess this would actually be a really great work out for me.

The plan has you work out 6 days a week. Everyday you do the same warm up then you alternate dance exercise days with weightlifting days.

There are some things you should probably know about how Travolta got so buff for Staying Alive. Even though he 'was in the worst shape of [his] life... twenty pounds overweight' he managed to get this body in just FOUR MONTHS!

And only by working out 6 days a week with a minimum of 5 hours of working out a day and up to 14 hours a day. Also he had a personal trainer and nutritionist (of course) and Sylvester Stallone overseeing his transformation guys. And with only those factors in place we could all get this body too!

Travolta says he loves eating but he has some great tips on dieting! Firstly, with the help of Sly Stallone and his personal trainer he really dedicated himself to the diet, even though he would still sometimes stay awake all night 'just imagining what it would be like to have another meal in my stomach'. Oh sure, that sounds like a reasonable diet. Then, as he started getting buff, he says, 'my appetite for food decreased - but my appetite for sex increased! Fortunately sex is not fattening, so treat yourself to it.' Eeeeeeeeeeeewwww! Keep it to yourself Travolta.

He suggests not eating anything after 6PM and having your last meal between 5 and 6. Eeeeeeeeeeewwwww! Keep it to yourself Travolta. No way I could eat nothing after 6. Unless I was working out for 14 hours a day and was passed out for the next 10.

Remember how many exercises I told you Jane Fonda had. Heaps and heaps. So many heaps. Well John Travolta Staying Fit has almost 200 pages of work out! 200! Your crazy if you think I read them all. Basically there are a bunch of standing stretches and floor stretches in the dance section.



Oh and partner stretches. As he says "Working out with a friend is always better than working alone - especially when your partner is someone of the opposite sex!'

Travolta partnering with himself

Then there is the weightlifting section, which I guess is kind of similar to Jane Fonda's except it involves weights and is way more manly.

Travolta says you should train to failure. And that is a workout I can get behind. Jane and her 'just work out a bit' attitude is bullshit if you ask me. I'm more of a go hard or go home kind a gal. Which translates to me spending most of my time at home cause I can't be bothered going hard. But hey, that's how I chose to live my life.

So, where does that leave me and Fitness Friday?  Probably just going for more runs and maybe doing some more sit-ups and push-ups. But maybe, just maybe, I'll keep reading Travolta and get super inspired to get buffffffff!!!!!

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Reassessing everything

Tight jeans are so tight

But what's the alternative

Loosey goosey jeans?

Baggy's no option

Nor is bootleg or straightleg

Could I give up jeans?

Haiku Thursday (AM)

If I was a bumblebee

I

I would shove my face

In every last rose I saw.

I would love the spring. 

II

I would take short breaks.

From collecting the pollen. 

I'd perch on a leaf. 

III

There, I'd close my eyes. 

Feel the sun on my wings and 

Dream about the queen. 

Thermomix - Is it all that and a bag of chips? (PM)

All I know is that I want a bag of chips!

Thermomix is definitely awesome and would last longer than chips, but at two large, it definitely needs to be able to make chips to make me reach for my wallet.

Thermomix - is it all that and a bag of chips? (AM)

Remember a few months ago I told you that Primadonna went to a Thermomix demonstration and that machine sounded mindblowing and I desperately wanted to see one in action. Well I did! Finally Prima organised a demonstration in her home and K and I were lucky enough to go along.

Ok. So. Is Thermomix a total mindbender? It is pretty good. I think it would be a really excellent addition to the kitchen if you had a couple grand lying around. In case you don't know Thermomix can chop the shit out of things with its super high-power blades and it stirs and it heats. You see. It has very useful functions.

Here are some things I loved about it:

Our demonstrator, Natasha, showed us how Thermo can make raw sugar into icing sugar. You put those large crystals in and whizz. Then ICING SUGAR! WHOA! It pretty much blew my mind. Only buying one kind of sugar and just blending as appropriate! Awesome. I WANT THERMOMIX! Then a few days later on Facebook I saw G-Force had written this: Just discovered replacing caster with raw sugar. All you have to do is chuck it in the spice grinder for a coupla seconds.Presumably if caster sugar is possible in a spice grinder a few more seconds would make icing sugar possible. So maybe I don't need a Thermomix?

The next thing I loved was the delicious sorbet Natasha made with aforementioned icing sugar. Just that, frozen orange, egg white, mango, ice. It was smooth and very delicious. And I am pretty sure that I could really do some mindblowing icy treats with it. I WANT THERMOMIX! Then, a few days later my mum attempted a similar thing in her Magimix. The results were nowhere near as smooth and fancy, but it was still quite yum. Maybe I don't need a Thermomix?

There was a delicious Thermo-made hommus. It really was very, very good, but good hommus you can definitely do in a regular blender. But not in 20 seconds! I WANT THERMOMIX!

But the next thing really was the best. Natasha chucked quartered beetroot, apple, carrot, some mint and lemon juice into Thermo and that baby just chopped the crap out of everything and made one of the most delicious and labour-free salads I have ever eaten. I WANT THERMOMIX.




Then there was risotto. It was nice enough but I'm not a big risotto person. Too heavy for me. But a thing that stirs while cooking to give you a perfectly consistent foodstuff?! I WANT THERMOMIX. 

The lemon custard at the end demonstrated perfectly how perfectly consistent a cooked foodstuff Thermomix can make. I WANT THERMOMIX. 



But I guess I want $2000 more. Plus, it doesn't make chips.



 

The keep it to yourself files (PM)

Oh. Oh, geez. I don't think that lady should be telling the people she is waxing about her meth head boyfriend. When a waxer tells me anything about her private life I usually think she has gone too far. But that is because I'm not much of a sharer. Except sometimes I really am. It's complicated.

Anyway, I guess maybe that hippy waxer just thinks that this is a world free from judgement and she can say whatever she wants to whoever she wants. Or maybe she doesn't care about judgement. Who knows. Alls I know is that there is a time for sharing and a time for not sharing. Like this one time at my old work this girl started. In fact I used to go to school with her. It was weird. And she started at my work and then, in the kitchenette she told my friend (whom she had just met) that her boyfriend had been sick "down there" and gestured at her thrust out groin. THE KITCHENETTE ON A TEA BREAK! That is neither the time nor place to tell a stranger about your boyfriends cock probs. Oh, hang on there is no such time or place unless the stranger is some kind of doctor and you are in their office.

But shit! Why the eff am I telling you all this when I could be talking about my favourite meth head who is also one of my all-time favourite characters. For real. Jesse Pinkman has a long history of smoking crystal meth and I effing love that guy! And if I didn't have a boyfriend and a child and Jesse Pinkman was not fictional and didn't wear all those horrible t-shirts...

...and live in ABQ while I live all the way over in MEL I would totally want to date him. But I am pretty aware I'm not really skanky enough. Sigh.

But Jesse doesn't have much of a temper like that waxer's boyfriend so I think he would be a much better guy with a long history of smoking meth to date.

The keep it to yourself files (AM)

This is a true account of an uncomfortable conversation I had at the beauty parlour the other day, reminiscent of the time my former barista took our morning coffee conversation in an direction that was more related to tea than coffee if you catch my drift.  While it's possible that the last time this happened I was a tad complicit, this time I think I am a total innocent and I'm here it prove it. Want to know more? Well don't just sit there crabby friends, read on readers!

The action takes place in a popular beauty therapy franchise we'll call Vermillion Flutterpie . The lights are fluorescent. The soundtrack is mid-1990s RnB. Think "Waterfalls" by TLC. The ladies who work there are all very sweet girls, some of whom may or may not wear a lot of fake tan and who may or may not get highlights in their hair. If they do get highlights in their hair, they may or may not get them touched up frequently enough to avoid looking rough. 

The particular beauty therapist working on me had a slight hippy bent. Not long after I lay down on the bed, while she was preparing the hot wax, she asked me how my day had been so far. Totally normal for a beauty therapist. I said something or another in response and then she said: 

"It was a full moon last night. Maybe that's why my boyfriend was so aggro."

I have to say I was a little concerned by the direction she was taking the conversation, what with me only having met her once before,  and the preceding conversation having no logical lead in to discussion of moons or boyfs. But I figured because she is a bit of a hippy, it would progress to a conversation about crystals and star signs and I was prepared to go along with it. She was pouring hot wax on my body, after all. I tend to let them talk about whatever they want to talk about when they're holding the wax pot.  

"Oh yes?" I said, trying to sound interested, but not too interested. 
"Yeah" she replied, then went on and on about how her boyfriend had been boozing a little, and this had led to a fight, but he apologised as soon as they woke up this morning. 
"Well that's nice" I said. "It's nice he apologised. He knows he was in the wrong and he admitted it".

She agreed, then told me that it's been tough for him lately because he is unemployed. 

I nodded sympathetically. We've all had unemployed boyfriends before, after all. I was getting ready to  offer some words of comfort when she continued. "He's got  long history of smoking…." at this point she hesitated, so I offered my most sympathetic nod to encourage her. Sure,  I may look like a massive square, but I'm on the level. I know people like to smoke the ganga. I know people like to spark up a doobie. I know the sweet Mary Jane can ease people's pain. I've seen some things in my time*+. So I put a look on my face and gave a tilt to my head that said "go ahead friend, tell me your boyfriend is a massive pot head… you're in a safe place". 
 
I guess it worked, because she went on to finish her sentence with the words "crystal" and "meth". So when you put it all together, she said "He's got a long history of smoking crystal meth".
Um. I know I was the one nodding encouragingly, but since when did hippy beauty therapists start talking about crystal meth instead of actual crystals?? And since when did they think it's OK to talk about that with a person they have only met once before. And not, like, met in real life, just the beauty parlour. Ones that look like massive squares?! Since when did this become an OK thing? I don't think it's an OK thing you guys. Talking about your boyfriend's meth habit with a total stranger and a client at your place of employment. Honestly. Keep it to yourself, am I right? 

And shit you guys, I watch Breaking Bad. Don't smoke meth for pete's sake! It's the worst!

*Do I even need to say this?

+I've seen no things