TGIM (PM)

Well Mate, not only is this week full of ace things, but it got off to a pretty rad start for me because I washed all my linen yesterday and then had a shower and washed my hair before bed last night.  I guess it would be fair to say that I feel like the cleanest and most mature person in the world.

So May has really delivered for us. First Hobart, now Prince, Pickle, Minderbinder, a birthday and the eternal love of two of the nicest and cutest people you could ever hope to meet. Talk about playing to win, May.

But, as you said Mate, balance is important to ensure we don't go crazy from all the awesomeness.

As always, balance for me will come via some serious anxiety over the following things:

• work*
• whether I will finish making the dress I am wearing to the wedding in time for the wedding^
• whether that dress will look as awesome in real life as it does in my imagination^
• whether I should get a dog*
• whether the spider that came in to my house on Friday night but then went missing on Saturday afternoon will pop up again^
• whether I will injure myself trying to escape the spider, should it catch me by surprise and cause me to be terrified. ^

So I guess things are pretty balanced.


*Ongoing cause of anxiety
^Acute anxiety

TGIM (AM)

I am feeling pretty damn good about this week and for once I am totally digging on Monday. I have a little bit of a cold, which is a drag, but it is actually making me feel better about things because if there wasn't something a little bit wrong this week would be looking too good, you know?

I don’t know if I should be blowing this load all over you guys so early in the week but I have a lot to look forward to. First, a Prince show! 

PRINCE PEOPLE! THAT MAN IS LIKE A KING TO ME! If this was the only good thing that was happening this week it would be enough to blow my mind. But wait there's more.

Also this week I am taking care of a bunch of personal grooming. Finally. Including a date with the hairdresser. Usually just this would be enough to make it a good week. But still there is more! Pickle and Minderbinder are in town from London.  Great! I can't wait to see those guys! And on the weekend two of my dearest friends are tying the knot! Awesome! I can't wait! Mostly because I love those guys and I think it will be a great wedding, but also because I am going to wear such a great dress. In fact, just getting to wear this dress would have made this week special.

 Also this week I am having my very own birthday! So you know that always makes things seem extra nice.

Shit you guys, I am worried that there is too much pressure on this week. Thank god for my cold and this miserable weather, just keeping things balanced. 

So let's start this week off right. 

 YEAH!

Treasured memories of Hobart (PM)

No wonder you haven’t stopped thinking about Hobart, Mate. It’s only one of the world’s best places.

You know, David went the week before us and when I asked him how it was he emailed me and said ‘Spectacular, excellent, and wonderful.’ I thought he had to be overstating it but basically I feel like I my experience was exactly those things! Chickpea kept saying she wanted to move there. Man, I wish she would! You know, so I had an excuse to visit more.

Then perhaps we can all move there! Why wouldn’t we:



The view from MONA! I know, right?!





K and art.

Chickpea and Baby checking out the art. Everytime Baby liked an art he would say "I love it! Have it!"



MONA's Moo Brew on the boat home from MONA. Effing yum!

Thor Friendship by night. Thor Friendship is coming!

Remember the cheese?!

 

Up close and personal with that sweet, ripe cheese



Leaving Bruny Island. Why did we have to leave?!





Treasured memories of Hobart (AM)

I know we've been back for days now, but I can't stop thinking about Hobart, and how much I kind of want to move there. Guys, don't you think that if we all moved there, we would have the most wonderful time? I really feel like we might.
To help make my case, here is a pictorial essay of some of the treasured memories we laid down while there.

Hanging in front of an old building

Big ship. 'Thor Friendship'. Thor Friendship is coming. 

Oyster van. 

MONA from the water.

Let's go!

Bruny Island Cheese. A true dream factory. 

Guys, what are we waiting for?

Haiku Thursday (PM)

I agree with what J said about Bruny Island, by the way.

The things I never make time for

The dentist. The gym. 

Consolidating all my

Super. A boyfriened. 

The dawning realisation

I need to sort out

Pretty much every single

Aspect of my life. 

Miellerie Honey

Except for Honey. 

That part of my life could not

Be any more right

I never knew that

Honey could be this good. Praise

The bees that made you. 

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Bruny Island

You are so beauty

full to me can't you see-ee

ee-ee-ee-ee-ee

May

Hectic May, you just 

Won't quit. Hope your buddy June

Won't follow your lead

Eeek

Difficult times lead

To miscommunication.
How embarrassing.

WTF? Wednesday (PM)

Man, what is with the douche-bs in your neighbourhood ?! Maybe that person who keeps vandalising your car has a crush on you but doesn't know how to express it so they are acting out on your car?! Douche-b! As if you would date the SOB making your car sad and your bank account depleted.

Having said that, perhaps you should consider parking your car in your car spot rather than the street?

God I wish we were still in Hobart.

WTF?! Wednesday (AM)

Hi guys.

We're back in Melbourne now. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Gosh Hobart was great. I know everyone knows that, but it must be said again. It really is great.

Real life is just as I remember, however. Some parts of it are great (people and stuff) and some parts are not so great. Remember how someone snapped the windscreen wiper off my car a few weeks ago? Well now some douche-b has broken my side mirror too.

People, please stop vandalising my car.  Your vandalism makes me sad and costs me money. If you are someone I know and you have a vendetta against me, lets talk about it! If you are not someone I know and are just randomly vandalising, please, go draw a cock like everyone else!

Thanks.

The dream is over (PM)

Look guys, I'm not proud of what happened last night, but it happened and I can't change it now. 

And plus, J is being pretty selective in her account of the evening. Shortly after the bit where J was all lying on the floor looking shot out, I came downstairs for a glass of water and J joined chickpea on the couch for a bit. Before long, I heard her say:        

"I would kill myself if I had to sing this song on TV."

I enquired after the song that was being sung, but J didn't know what it was.

Moments later, when the song was all sung,  I heard Chickers say "Well I don't think there's any doubt, Darren is the clear winner", to which J replied "Agreed!".

I'm pretty sure she liked what she saw, and I'm pretty sure it will only be a matter of days before she searches for, and discovers this:

The dream is over (AM)

Oh readers, Hobart started off so well!

Sure we sat on the tarmac in Melbourne for an hour before our plane could leave and when we got to Hobart we were starving and everything was shut even though it was only 6PM. But you remember yesterday, right? We were having the best time.

By last night Chickpea and K were glued to The Voice! THE VOICE, people! I did work, actual work for work just to avoid watching it.

But then I just started feeling like this:

Then like this:

And then like this:

And then like this:

Thank god today will be filled with Bruny Island cheese and home time.

Early update from Miss Soft Crab's visit to Hobart (PM)

That was a good question! Did we just wait for Baby to wake up then go and get a whiskey? No! In fact we worked on our video clip until the desire for whiskey was so strong we just put sleeping Baby in the pusher and went out for a whiskey. Or so we thought.

The walk was pretty. It looked like this :

And this:

Then we got to the whiskey joint. We went to the Lark Distillery where they make whiskey. From the outside it looks like this:

But on the inside it looks like a Gloria Jeans. It was so unpleasant we didn't even stick around for the whiskey.

Instead we just ate these fish and chips by the water.

Before we went home for a second dinner of roast vegetable, pea shoots, sunflower greens and $15 goats cheese. DELICIOUS!

Early update from Miss Soft Crab's visit to Hobart (AM)

Miss Soft Crab is in Hobart! Chickpea and Baby are here too. We invited LB, but he wanted to stay home and eat pizza in his underwear (not a euphemism). I'm sure J and Baby are missing him, but it must be said that we're having a bit of a laugh riot on our own.

We came to see some art and eat some food. So far, we have done heaps of the second activity - but today we're off to MONA to do the first.

We'll tell you all about it in a few days, but in the meantime check out some of what we've seen/done so far.

Yesterday, after a breakfast of leftover indian food, we went to a farmers market in the city.

We had some snacks and bought a whole bunch of stuff including these slippery jack mushrooms which we plan to cook with pasta tonight.

Actual mushrooms we bought. 

We then ate some more snacks:  sushi that this guy made to order for us...

...and on the way home, some delicious sundowner apples that had been picked the day before (so the guy selling them told us). When we arrived home, it was time for proper lunch, so we ate some toast with goats cheese, then tea and a delicious German cake called a Bienenstich.  All of this by about 1:00pm. 

Shortly after, J put Baby to bed for an afternoon nap, then Chickpea asked: "So how does this work? Do we just wait for Baby to wake up and then go and have a whisky?"

Good question, Chickpea. Good question.

Found (0(K

When I was going to Golden Plains this year I picked Legsly up from Geelong train station so we could go together. I was down that way and I was the one with the car so she caught the train down to meet me for a ride. She told me a story about the train ride during which, while stopped at a train station, three rowdy youths ran up to the train and drew cocks on the window of the stationary train. Just stationary for the drop off and pick up. All three of the guys. Now that is dedication to drawing cocks. God, how I wish I'd been there!

If you've spent any time around these parts you may remember cock on a tenner and cock in a guac or cock on a 'nana. But since then what?! Good question!

Chickpea wrote to me a little while ago with the message "Are you still collecting them" with this picture attached:

Cute isn't it?! And then I realised that I hadn't found a picture like that worth photographing in a long time. I told Chickers I hadn't found any good ones lately and the very next day she sent me this one. I like it because of its crudity. The simplicity of it. Someone just thought yep, I'm gonna draw a cock and then they knocked one out.

Anyway, I guess I'm not the only one interested in finding cock. Let's see what K has to say about it!

K: Thanks mate, I do have some things to say about found cock. As you say, at its simplest FC is about somewhere someone saying  yep, I'm gonna draw a cock. And that's OK by me. So natural and spontaneous. I mean, who among us can say they have never been swept by that mood?

Of course, this is harder to do if you're a perfectionist, like I assume the person who made the following FC is:

This seems to me to be the creation of someone who doesn't like to draw outside the lines. Great that he/she is having a go but geez guy/girl, have a little fun with it!

J: Yeah, losen up.

Still, I appreciate that there is room for the spontaneous and the more premeditated. Like this cock o' rice that Chikpea and I saw a picture of shortly after I realised it was time to start collecting again.

 

K: Nyuck nyuck nyuck. Cock o' rice. Way to have fun at work, whoever did that!

You know who else is having fun? These little punks, who used found materials to create something quite special:

Strictly speaking, it's more found poon than found cock, but it's totally in the spirit of what we're talking about here today. When I stumbled across these guys at work,  I felt like I had just discovered Basquait. This, from folks so young? Unbelievable. I can not wait to see how their work develops. 

J: Well, while we are off cockic topic and talking about men at work, check out this babycino Baby received when we were in Sydney a while ago!

Naturally Baby could not wait to get stuck into it.

K: HAHAHAHA. People can be so great.

Such as your Mum, mate. As evidenced at passover dinner, when she turned a blind eye while we laughed and laughed because the horseradish on the seder plate looked so much like a cock.

Due to technical difficulties we can not show you the horseradish from our seder plate. Luckily horseradish cock and balls are not rare, thank you Internet for providing this replacement.

We didn't make it so, the earth made it so! We just bore witness.

J: HAHAHA! Yeah, that horseradish cock was such a good one. Cocks of nature! An accidental cock is almost better than one put there by design. I mean they are the true found cock, right?! Take this piece of cock rock that I found at the same place as the cock o' rice. These pink phalluses were on every table! What?

But I think my favourite accidental was this one:

 

The projection of a microphone onto the shirt of a groom giving a speech.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!

K: I don't think we can top that, Mate.

But that won't stop us searching, always searching, for the next FC. And readers, please take up the search yourselves, if you haven't already. Perhaps some of you have some FCs of your own you'd like to share? If so, please post them on the Miss Soft Crab Facebook page - I'm sure I speak for the whole Crab community when I say we would love to see them.

J: It's true. That last one is gold. But I would love to finish up with something a little classic. In fact it is something that Russeth did and I saw it in a Facebook album of G-Force's from a recent fishing trip they went on with some other cats. I really love the simpleness of the drawings, and that the whole thing is so complete. You know?  I just think it is the purest example of cock vandalism.

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Winter is definitely coming

Girl at train station
In track suit pants looking warm
Curse my dignity

Gets through my jacket
Gets through my jumper too. Cold.
You powerful thing

It's as if you start
In May, last till September
Make room for others!

Winter in my heart
Because my skin is too thin
Winter's all over

Damn, train,that sweet heat
Is sweet relief, makes me hate
Metro a bit less*

*Brunswick to Flinders
Street, waiting and travel took
One hour. Hate's back.