Hardy ha ha (AM)

You know what's hard? Trying to think of something amusing to say while your baby inexplicably, incessantly cries and you've got nasty-as-fuck hayfever. Though as things go I guess this is what you'd call a #firstworldproblem.  And even in the first world, this really is barely a problem. The killer part is, though, that I am actually amusing.

Recently in the car home from my parents house I'd made Russeth laugh heartily so many times (three) between Elsternwick and St Kilda Junction that I asked him if he thought I should become a stand-up comic. This elicited the heartiest laugh of all, which I took as a very good sign.

Ha! As if I would become a stand-up comic. I do not get them at all. I mean, I get their jokes usually, but I just think as an art form it would be hard and I don't get how to do it well. And neither do a lot of comics by the looks of things. Badoom cha!

I've noticed recently that comedians tend to laugh at their own jokes all the time these days. First I thought it was just something American comedians did. Mainly because I am a bit racist, but it's not just them. Australians do it, the British do it. Probably it's happening all over but I find it pretty repulsive. I guess they sometimes do it just to make sure the audience knows when to laugh. But if that is the only indication it's laugh time, that comedian should probably stick to their day job. Unless their day job is comedy. I've also noticed they do it when they've just said something mean, probably to make sure we know there is no harm in it. But I can be the judge of that. Probably they also do it so we can all be in on something together. But I'm not that desperate for inclusion. I think they also do it to make their jokes sound fresh, as if they've just said this funny thing for the first time and even they can't stop themselves laughing. But you can usually tell that's bullshit. Anyway, it drives me to distraction. My position is: you tell the jokes and I will be the one to laugh at it.

It's like movies or books that need to explain everything at the end, I effing hate that too, for some of the same reasons I hate this laughing that comedians do. We can figure shit out for ourselves guys.

I guess the moral of this story is that if you've got a crying baby and bad hay fever your output is going to be pretty negative.

Happy Monday!

I have a new mantra (PM)

Mate, did you buy Jerusalem and not tell me?! Or is that someone else's nice looking bookshelf?
Oh wait, that post is about stuff you want, not stuff you have. Right, I get it.

Ok, so it's great that you are trying to resist the urge to buy stuff during this season of loving and giving. Those of us who know you in the real world know that loving and giving is something you do freely and willingly all year round, so you don't need to worry about justifying this urge. But I support you in your efforts to resist it.

But Matey, I'm not sure it's a good idea to have the word 'hate' in your mantra. Hate is the worst.

How about:

Stuff. Who needs it?

It's a little friendlier, don't you think?

Stuff. Who needs it?

I have a new mantra (AM)

When I say I have a new mantra it is not that I really had a mantra before this. Unless you count ‘sausages’. Sausages was the mantra we, Chickpea, Russeth and I, prescribed to our parents as children because they meditated and refused to tell us their mantra. And I guess not fully understanding how things work we decided sausages was a possible word they may meditate with. I can only assume that Chickpea was the mastermind behind this and it is possible she had a better understanding than me of the whole meditation thing. Or maybe she didn't. Whatever the truth is, throughout my childhood I always used to pretend to meditate with the word sausages.

I don’t pretend to meditate anymore but I have started to use a mantra, “I hate stuff”.

You see guys, I don’t know if you know this about me, but actually, I love stuff!! And this weird thing happens at Christmas. I want to buy heaps of stuff! For me! It’s not that I don’t like giving presents to people. I do. I love buying and giving presents. But I love doing that for me too! Perhaps it’s the additional advertising and push to sell that does it. Perhaps it is the start of summer and the promise of a beautiful summer  life. I don’t know. I just know I want stuff. And so, in attempt to curb my desire for stuff, every time I feel the feeling I just think “I hate stuff!”

I hate stuff like this:



And stuff like this:





And I hate stuff like this:

I hate stuff.

I hate stuff.

I hate stuff.

I hate stuff.

Now, please excuse me. I need to go focus on my mantra.

I hate stuff.

I hate stuff.

Haiku Thursday (PM)

 

 

Tough questions

My private jury 

Is still out on Chris Hemsworth

Must see more of him

Hey, a-hole

If you're turning right

And put your indicator

On late, well fuck you

Anticipating Christmas (PM)

I also love the anticipation of Christmas. I actually tend to enjoy Christmas day generally. I like spending time with my family and I enjoy spending time with LB’s family. But I do hate how my family gathering is overshadowed by the fact that we always have to leave earlyish to get to LB’s family gathering. I don’t like how this usually also means a long drive. And it is a total bummer that I am always super full from my family gathering but still need to eat at the next one. So I guess you are right, Real Christmas is not as good as Anticipated Christmas.

Anticipated Christmas is awesome. I always have a clean house on Real Christmas Eve, and it has that special Christmas clean feel about it. I want to watch films like Sleepless in Seattle (gross me the fuck out – I don’t know what happens to me). I like buying presents for people, even more since the introduction of KK into both families means you only have to buy a few gifts making it a pleasant not stressful experience.  

I like how the love for your friends and family increases, and how this kind of remains in the lead up to New Year’s as well. I love the love. I love how there is a certain buzz in the air.  

But then you have Christmas and the next day the sky is always grey and you feel fat and oily from all the food. So hells yeah! Let’s just anticipate the shit out of Christmas while we can.

#firstworldproblems (PM)

Don't worry mate. Some days, having it all seems really hard. A shit-hot kit. 100% of meals that blow your mind. What are we, awesome robots? We're not awesome robots. But I do have three additional months of life experience than you do, so let me pass on some advice. If you really want to blow your mind, I recommend getting back to mother flipping basics.
Here are some little tips that work for me.
1. If I really don't know what the eff to wear, I just wear the nicest thing in my wardrobe. Or my red gingham shirt. Both are 100% success stories 100% of the time.
2. If I really don't know what to the eff to have for dinner, I just cook eggs. Do you know how easy it is to delishify an egg? It's like shooting fish in a barrel. The other night I had a deconstructed omelette.  I soft boiled some eggs then made a side of fried mushroom, chilli, spring onion and garlic, dressed with black vinegar, ginger and sesame oil, then sprinkled with toasted black sesame seeds. Effing delicious. Some nights I have straight up soft boiled eggs with toast soldiers and whatever chilli chutney Biggie Little has just made.
Simple as that matey.
Mind  =  Blown.
Effort = Minimal.
#justthewayilikeit

#firstworldproblems (AM)

A lot of the time I like to think about what I am going to eat throughout the day. Oftentimes even before breakfast I am thinking of what I am going to have for dinner. But some days, man, some days I just got nothing. I mean every day I eat a minimum of three meals. Every day I have to think of what I am going to eat for breakfast. Then lunch. Then dinner! Don't you ever get sick of it?
 
Same goes for dressing. I mean, a whole outfit every single day! Shit, sometimes I just can't be bothered.

And as someone who loves both food and clothes its hard, you know. It's hard to admit that sometimes my brain feels like a dried up husk when it comes to these things.

You think I don't know that I live in a privileged society where I have these things to complain about?! I know I do. That is why I want to get it right every time. I don't want to waste these opportunities to blow the mind out of my mouth. I don't want to not have a great kit, because frankly I don't think there is an excuse. You know?!

The other day as I was getting ready for work I said to LB, "What should I wear to work today?"He said, "Jeans and a shirt, like usual." Is this what I have become? For shame!

A couple of weeks ago I really started to feel the sting of this food-wise too. So I started really going into cookbooks, trying new things, putting in extra effort. It actually worked out great. Every night I was making these delicious new things. Every night I pretty much fucking nailed dinner. But it's like that could never last. I was living a lie. I can't go on like that forever! Cookbook meals day in and day out! Inventing things like fresh nachos! I'm just one person, people! What the eff am I going to make for dinner tonight?!