Another though on seasons

Touché mate, touché!

Last night I woke in the middle of the night thinking about Japan and the Japanese appreciation of nature and seasons. On Tuesday I had a brief interaction with my next door neighbour, it went something like this:
Neighbour: Beautiful day!
Me: Isn't it!
Neighbour: *Murmur mutter* autumn!
Me: I love autumn!
Neighbour: Me too!

It was the most meaningful conversation I'd ever had with him, I think because it was really obvious we both love autumn and I never really felt any connection with him before, though he's a perfectly pleasant person. This mutual season-loving conversation was really nice and I don't know if it was that or something I dreamed but I just woke up thinking about how in Japan, in the spring, they have cherry blossom parties. Japanese people would tell me that on a morning in sakura season a person in the office (every office) would be sent to a park with a blue tarp (so many blue tarps in Japan) and stake out their spot for the sakura party. The person would have to sit and mind that spot all day and then the rest of the office would come and join them to drink and enjoy the sakura when the work day finished. Can you imagine this being part of the Australian calendar. I mean it's awesome. In Japan in spring there are cherry blossoms everywhere and in the parks under those trees there are people on blue tarps everywhere. It's beautiful.

In the autumn in Japan if you tell someone you are going out of town they'd tell you the best places to visit to see the changing leaves. Or if you stay in town they tell you parks to visit to view the best autumn leaves. It struck me as a little strange until I walked through the forest in Kamakura in autumn and saw that the leaves really are beautiful.

I know that here on Miss Soft Crab we talk a lot about seasons. But on the whole I think Japan does it better and I just think we should take a leaf out of their book. A beautiful autumn leaf.

History sure is cool

K was right yesterday. History is amazing. All those many, many thousands of years people have been getting by. They didn't have Netflix or showers but it was ok because they didn't even know about Netflix or showers. But some things would have sucked. Like the possibility you could get chucked in a peat bog. To think about human history is pretty amazing. But history goes back further than that. How about dinosaurs. When I stop to think about the fact that they actually existed and aren't just a creation to fill sci-fi movies and cover children's pyjamas my tiny mind is always blown. And what about before that?! First there were just tiny organisms and they evolved into all the things that have ever been on the earth. What!?!?

I don't just get this feeling of awe and delight when I think about the entire history of the world though. I also have it when I see a giraffe and then think about them in the wild. What a crazy creature.

Well...shit (KI day 5)

Kangaroo Island is bloody beautiful. The beaches are like a dream. And then there's Flinders Chase National Park which is home to Admiral's Arch and Remarkable Rocks, which are, to say the least, remarkable. They are these huge sculptural geological beauties which really make you marvel at nature. And life. And everything. 

Admiral's Arch is also incredible.  Although visiting on a day so windy you could basically lie on the wind at a 45 degree angle made the walk somewhat unpleasant, seeing the coast in those conditions was pretty spectacular. The wild wind and sea, a bunch of seals just chillaxing amidst it all.

And the fish and chips down here, though terribly expensive, are among the best I've ever had.  Oh sure, when you try to make a phone order the phone just goes to the owners mobile who isn't at the shop and just tells you to walk down there and order. And she's right, it is quick. And it's effing worth it. 

When we arrived on Sunday after the 9-hour drive, the brown hotel room, the $200, 45-minute ferry ride LB and I were saying, "Well this is nice, I can't imagine we'll ever be back here." By Wednesday it was "Next time we come let's camp for two nights here, book a house there..." 

So I get it. Kangaroo Island? Oh its beautiful. 

I got nothin' (AM)

Well I've got heartburn. And backache. And a freezing bedroom. And if I'm being honest I also have a great roof over my head, great family and friends. My health. But for you I've got bupkis. I don't know if it's the book I'm reading leaving me depressed or the grey skies of the weekend or the fact I'm hungry or that I tried to write four lame blog posts, two of which I couldn't take anywhere and two of which I wrote on my phone but would not upload. But I'm human. If you prick me do I not bleed. And ask you why you would do such a thing.

Let's all just look at this picture of a sunset from last weekend and think about how great nature is. And how it's the little things. And be soothed by the beauty.

Remembering stuff (AM)

I have memories in my brain that seem so improbable I sometimes wonder if they are real. Like once K and I were at the pub for a friend's 21st and this guy we had just met who seemed like a bit of a dick went to the supermarket to get a snack and came back eating a capsicum. Just chomping on a capsicum like it is was an apple. Really?! I mean that guy was just a bit of a dick and I guess he liked eating capsicum. It happened. But really?!

Another time K and I were hanging out on the roof of my old apartment building one night and the moon just appeared to fall out of the sky behind the horizon. We both saw it, we weren't high and we don't know what the eff happened. But it happened.

And once when LB and I were on holiday in Japan, at the end of a day at Ueno zoo we saw a huge bird waddle out of a little house in an enclosure, eat some food and waddle back with the zoo keeper as if they were best buds.

This is a picture I stole off the internet but it totally represents what I saw that day

Despite Tokyo being full of tourists the signs at the zoo were mainly in Japanese with just random ones being translated into English. And because it was right at the end of our trip to Japan and at the end of our day at the zoo I couldn't take any photos because my memory card was full. That zoo has a really amazing array of animals and a fantastic bird collection including puffins and flamingos and vultures. But the enclosures are pretty depressing for the most part and the day was somewhat conflicted. And then right at the end we walked past an enclosure with no idea what was meant to be in there and that's when the zoo keeper emerged with his grey, feathered friend that was about three quarters his height.

The way that the bird and man emerged together and the funny waddle of the bird made him seem so human somehow. Or rather, like an anthropomorphised cartoon bird. Even at the time I remember wondering what the fuck I was watching and if that bird wasn't a guy in a suit. If that bird was for real. For years I actually did kind of question the experience and then one day I found out what that bird was. I don't know if LB somehow knew or I saw a picture or maybe I did a search on birds at Ueno zoo, but one day I just knew that what I'd seen was a shoebill.

Here are some pictures I found on the internet. When I saw them I knew that even the cartoonishness of the bird in my memory was legit.

Guys, doesn't nature just blow your mind?! I mean look at that face! If you have never seen one of these in real life I can not recommend a trip to Tokyo highly enough.

Holiday Day 12 - final day (AM)

Holidays are great aren't they?! All kinds, but I'm at the end of enjoying the kind of holiday where you basically do nothing. Oh we went to Wet 'n' Wild one day and we've driven about 900km, but most days were characterised by a morning at the beach and an afternoon in the pool. Or sometimes vice versa. There has been a lot of ice cream eaten, lots of fruit and some chips. It's been really great and super relaxing. On holidays I think you probably enjoy being away from work but the highlight is being away from the rest of the drudgery. Cleaning the house, grocery shopping, tending to whatever boring shit you have to do in real life which I can't identify here because I don't know exactly what it is, but I know there is heaps of it. 

Although you still have to tidy and eat on holiday the impermanence of it makes all chores far less overwhelming. If you eff it up or skip it one day you can sort it out the next. And even if you don't sort it out you'll be leaving soon enough. That has really been the joy of this holiday. Just enjoying the things I'm doing and the adorable people in with without those boring-ass distractions. 

The weather has been great too, sunny, warm but not too hot. We've seen heaps of greenery, you know in nature, plus a couple of whales, a pod of dolphins,a wallaby, both black and white cockatoos, kookaburras, lizards galore and one morning we had a buffet breakfast.

Holidays really are great. Funny then that I cannot wait to get home tonight. I really can't wait. 

 

Happy medium (PM)

I’ve gotta be honest with you, I was out of town from Friday night until this morning so I only know about this heatwave theoretically. At least it wasn’t 4 days above 40, right? Am I right. Still, almost 30 degrees before sun up, that is some crazy kind of bullshit right there. And, theoretically I feel your pain, Mate, and Melbourne more broadly. Plus I’ve seen the forecast for the next week and I’m not happy about it. I mean, I can’t keep skipping town every time I don’t like the weather.

I’m a big fan of happy mediums. Not all the time, I kind of like extremes too. But in weather I totally dig on the happy medium.

But mate, think about this: in two short months you will be the hell out of here, sure so will the superheat no doubt (please Nature). But we’ll all be hurtling headlong into winter and you will be heading to sweet summer. Oh sure, according to one website, “Summer is a great time to visit Cardiff as it is at its sunniest and hottest. June to August sees an average temperature of 15ºC.”! Oh, that sounds just about the same as a Melbourne winter, but you cannot deny it also sounds like a happy medium.

WAIT! That is the average temperature, but the average maximum temperature is more like 20ºC. And that really does sound like a happy medium. Oh, sure, it sounds like a bullshit summer, but a pretty good way to spend a winter, ay. Just look forward everyone and we’ll all get a good night’s sleep soon.

Thanks Easter (PM)

The gift of a four-day weekend is a truly great thing. Each day fills you with this feeling that anything is possible and if you eff up this day there is another one just around the corner with which you can right the wrongs of the previous day. Luckily I pretty much nailed every one of the last four days. Also, I confirmed some things too!

Nature is a delight and walking through it is the best!

Despite its somewhat off-putting name, fish pie really is delicious!

Puppies are adorable!

Thanks Easter! And thanks to all the Easter miracles that made for a great weekend!

What an awesome way to live (PM)

Who know's why people say the things they say. That's something the character of Adriana said on an episode of The Sopranos I watched last night....and I think it applies here today. While that woman definitely sounds stupid, maybe she just loves land so damned much that she can't imagine the semi-aquatic life being satisfying. Anyway. Like Adriana said, who knows why she said that really stupid thing? I shouldn't waste my time trying to figure it out.  Her loss. Being a land and water beast - having a bit each way -  would be the best way to live and that's all there is to it. 

And while I don't want to take anything away from the hippo, I was watching a David Attenborough show last night and discovered that the iguana can hold its breath under water for an hour. 

An hour!

Incredible. 

The spirits are whispering to one of these iguanas. 

What an aesome way to live (AM)

Not actual hippo from Werribee Zoo

From what I can tell hippopotamuses are pretty cool. Yesterday I went to Werribee Zoo. It is a pretty cool zoo. You walk in and there, right in front of you, is an expanse of green and some gorillas just chilling. They are in an enclosure but it is designed in this great way so they feel right there. We saw lions ripping cow ribs from a cardboard box, giraffes frolicking in the faux savanna, an ostrich stuck his head in the bus and we saw some hippopotamuses. Eventually.

When we went to the hippo enclosure you couldn't really see anything. And then these eyes bobbed above the water. Later a whole head.

Hippos are semi-aquatic, they can hold their breath under water for 6 minutes.They spend all day in the water to keep cool then get out when it cooled down to eat. While we were watching the water to see these awesome dudes pop their heads up the woman next me said to her companion, "It's a pretty stupid way to live, really." Um, what?! Oh lordy! It is this kind of statement that makes me hate strangers. And I don't want to hate anyone, strangers or acquaintances, and yet sometimes I have no choice. Thanks a lot lady. Way to ruin my day.

So being able to live on land, but also essentially live in water is stupid? If you ask me it would be the motherflipping best way to live. The only way you could improve on that is to add wings, but there ain't no way a hippo gonna fly. Have you seen the size of those things?! Imagine living like a hippo. Sure, they may not have all the mod cons that we enjoy but they have it pretty sweet. Enjoy a refreshing dip all day long. Plus they are huge and super territorial so they are tough. And they can run fast, up to 30 miles an hour.

Did I mention that the hippos we saw were completely submerged. Completely! It was awesome, these huge animals hiding underwater! Just chilling. Literally. (HA!) That stupid lady next to me is the one living the stupid way, what with all her stupidity.

Acrostic Monday (PM)

Nice to see you again, acrostic Monday!

Petal of violet

Interior of fig

No other colour's blush 

Knows my heart more.

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Nature

Nature, you're pretty

Are you seeing anyone?

Is it serious?

If things don't work out,

Call me. You're real special

I'd treat you so good

Wednesday wonders - watermelon (AM)

Regular readers of this blog must think my brain is a total light weight, the frequency with which it is blown. But it's like the ads for SBS used to say, the world is an amazing place. So what's blowing my mind this week? Good question!

It's not just that watermelons are delicious. I mean most fruits are. Watermelons aren't even close to my favourite. Maybe that's too harsh, They are in the top 10. Probably. Whatever. The thing that blows my mind about watermelons is that they are huge and they have this very hard green shell and this soft, sweet, watery, PINK flesh. I mean, does that not blow your mind?

Think about discovering them! Watermelons are originally from Africa. Hot ass Africa and these sweet bastards just grow wild there. What a delight! I just think that, even though watermelons are not as delicious as mangoes or a good apricot, they are the most magical fruit. Apparently watermelon seeds were found in Tutankhamun's tomb! But I really hope they were not only for fancy people. I guess they are native so probably they are and have been widely available in Africa. According to the bible the Jews ate watermelons when enslaved by Pharaoh in Egypt! I guess watermelons were too bulky for them to take when fleeing, what a shame though, imagine watermelons at passover!

And they need bees for pollination! I know lots of things do, but growing watermelons requires a growers to have a beehive per acre! I kind of love that! And I wonder about watermelon honey! Why isn't that a thing?!

Watermelons, guys! Watermelons!

Nature, you're so fine (AM)

On the weekend K and I were lying in the park rejoicing in the sunshine and how great spring can be but although spring can be so great and we all love it, really it is just like the girl Caroline in the smash hit Outkast single, 'Roses':
..all the guys would say she's mighty fine
But mighty fine only got you somewhere half the time
And the other half either got you cursed out, or coming up short

Right?! I mean spring can be so pretty and great, but the other half either got you cursed out or too cold, wet or windy. But unlike Andre 3000 I don't want spring to be:
...speeding on the way to the club
Trying to hurry up to get to some
Baller or singer or somebody like that
And try to put on her makeup in the mirror
And crash, crash, crash.. into a ditch!

Me, I'd rather things worked out like in Mean Girls, you know, how Rachel McAdams figures out she can be pretty and nice. Spring, be more like that.

Anyway yesterday on that weird cool grey day I was wishing spring could just be more warm and sunny and springy, but then I went into my Mum's garden and I saw another thing that is really good about spring. PLANTS!

I guess there is more to spring than sunshine and warmth. Maybe spring isn't the bitch in this outfit at all. Maybe its me.

Flowery succulent!

Red succulent!

Nasturtium!

In real life this flower is practically neon!

Fern covered in adorable little green things

Adorable green things up close

Sorry I said you were like Caroline in Roses, spring.

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Wind II

What K said is true

Wind sucks. Gives me hayfever

Makes my hair look bad

Wind makes skirts fly up

Makes nice sunny days too cold

I don't like you, Wind

But without you, Wind,

Tumbleweed's just weed. No more

Seed distribution.

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Wind

I hate you so much

I can't even write a good

Haiku about you.

You're only good for

Making deserted beaches 

Look more desolate. 

You give howling a 

Bad name. Those poor wolves should sue

For defamation. 

Return to found (*(k

Well guys, usually I wouldn't just jump into post like this without a little introduction, but I think that found cocks really need no introduction. So let's get the ball(s) rolling!


J:  You know yet another reason why I can't wait for winter to be over? So I can get out of the damn house and find some damn cock art! If it weren't for the kindness of friends (and strangers) I could barely even contribute to this FC experience. But, thanks to friends, strangers, and the kid that drew this, I can.

K: Mate, you're so right. Genuinely creative indoor cock art is really hard to find. If it weren't for public transport, it would have been a long winter indeed.

Happily, Jewel station provided me with this:

Touch on, readers!

J: Thank god for PT, ay? Not that I ever see any cock on the train.

You know FC seemed to really strike a chord with people. For example, all the way over in LA Mondonna really embraced FC and posted several pictures of her and her friends with their FCs on FB. And Phibber posted a constructed food cock from gay Paris on my FB page. But since, weirdly, both those guys left FB I can't show them to you. 

We apologise, but due to technical difficulties we can not show you global FC.

K: FC speaks to all of us.

Just quickly, before we move on from public transport cock, I just want to highlight something I spotted on the tram the other night, and made Legsley photograph for me.  

It's hard to make out, but it's basically a biro drawing of cock and balls on someones hand. And not just anyone, some totally respectable looking guy who looked like he was on his way home from work or something. Right there on his hand: cock and balls. 

J: HAHAHA! Such a good one. Like he was just doodling a doodle at work! HAHA!

Speaking of inappropriate FC remember how at Blizzie's wedding we couldn't stop making everything into FC? Like this random clip and the vodka figs Miguel had the foresight to bring!
 

K: We really could not stop turning things in to FC at that wedding. Which is strange, given how perfectly tasteful everything was. But I guess we were all so happy we couldn't help but do one of our favourite things.

Ok, so I have another FC that I want to talk about, but sadly do not have a picture of. It was basically a giant FC drawn on the side of a white house on my street. This house is on a corner, so it has an entire pure white wall just begging to be drawn on. Happily, someone stepped up to the plate and drew this extremely large FC in  black texta and by extremely large I mean mother-flipping huge.

I saw it from my car as I was driving down the street and chuckled all the way home. I went back yesterday to get a photo of it but disaster! Someone had already painted over it. 

Censorship blows!

Thank god there is no censorship on the internet where I found this:

I will never stop finding this funny.

J: I can't believe that cock got painted over so quickly. It sounds like a real good one and I think we probably would all have been better off having seen it. Luckily, though, I have a real doozie to finish on.

You see a couple of months ago I was innocently sitting at work when a picture was texted to me from a number I didn't recognise and it was...amazing! I could barely believe my eyes! When I texted back asking who it was, and thinking it was a friend whose number I'd lost, it turned out to be a stranger! A colleague of Russeth's.

I think this really shows what a great sense of humour Mother Nature must have. And the fact that it got to the supermarket and into the hands of a friend of Russeth's shows how generous Fate is!  Take a look guys.

K: Mother Nature, you've done it again. 

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Dead jonquils on my bedside table

Such pretty babies

When alive. Now, Reminder

Of my laziness.

Dead daphne on my kitchen table

I

Heavenly perfume

Or, the memory of it

Is why I keep you.

II

In addition to 

My being lazy as a 

Cat on a heater. 

Awesome Animals (AM)

In January Russeth went to Kenya to build an orphanage. You know, for kids. While he was there he also went on safari, held a goat as it was slain for dinner, and was guilted into buying some faux lion teeth from some Masai.

Africa sounds cool.

Anyway, now he is home and his pictures are on Facebook and holy moly! He saw all the cool stuff. An effing lion! A freaking elephant! A motherflipping giraffe! And so many adorable puppies.

I love animals!!! You know, you learn about animals as a kid and you think, 'yeah, they're cool.' But you just take it in your stride, you know, because you are learning all this stuff and it is all pretty cool. So then you know these things exist and you go through life taking them for granted. Then you grow up and maybe you go to the zoo or start reading about animals again and BLAMO! You get struck by how awesome they are.

Just think about all the crazy animals out there!

Giraffes.

 

Koalas.

 

 

Seriously! WTF?! Like tree-climbing wombats with opposable thumbs. Like a bear monkey with a pouch, but not!

And what about the friggin' polar bear?

 

 

Jelly fish!!

And you know how I feel about flamingos. Don't even get me started on chickens! (Seriously, don't, 'cause I'm pretty sure they will get their own whole post one day.) 

Puffins!

Everything, you guys. All the animals are the best!

WTF? Wednesday (PM)

You know, when I read the title of this morning's post I read it as 'WTF, Wednesday?' (yes, turns out I am a chronic misreader), even though it was not punctuated like that at all. So I was expecting the post to be along the lines of, 'stupid Wednesday, why isn't it Friday? Or at least Thursday?'

I sure wasn't expecting to learn about Tropical Cyclone Funso! WTF indeed?! What kind of a sick fuck thinks Funso is a cool name for a cyclone?! Sick fuck.

Anyway I wanted to learn a bit more about Funso so I went over to Google, natch. There I learned that TC Funso hit Mozambique too and that Mozambique was still recovering from Tropical Depression Dando. What?

Seriously, what?

So I for one love the idea of 'WTF? Wednesday' because I feel like it is really going to expand my mind.

As for Julianne Moore in Crazy Stupid Love, you should know by now that you can't trust any actor not to fuck up once in a while (see: Marky Mark and Planet of the Apes, Ewan McGreggor and The Island and all the new Star Wars movies, which also applies to Liam Neeson, oh and also Natalie Portman, seriously every likeable actor has made at least one abominable film.)