Get your effing hand off it (or I feel so irrationally angry) (PM)

Oh. Oh my. That's a terrible terrible innovation. What a pack of knobshining idiots.

I was pretty irrationally upset last week when a cafe which is a 20 minute walk from my house closed 30 minutes earlier than the advertised time. 

I'd already had a coffee that day but I really felt like an afternooner. I'm still upset when I think about it. 

What's coming my way this week (AM)

Last night, before I went to bed, I mulled over a few things I might write about today. The Apple Watch, which I think about and covet all the time, for no tangible reason. My rubbish wardrobe and how badly I want new everything. That was about it. As you can see, these topics are very very boring to everyone who is not me, and truth be told, they're pretty boring to me too. I decided I would wait until morning, and see what inspiration a new day would bring. I turned out the lights and went to bed.

Next thing I knew, it was about 3:30am and I was awake. This happens to me a lot. My body has some kind of setting that means I wake up four hours after I've gone to sleep, pretty much on the dot, pretty much every night. I usually lie awake for about 15 minutes then go straight back to sleep. It's not so bad. Sometimes, I start to worry that I won't get back to sleep and then I don't. Those nights are the worst. Last night, I was pretty relaxed and so started thinking about the week ahead and the things I've got planned and this made me feel quite good. It also made me think "I know! Tomorrow I'll blog about what's coming my way this week! It will make for interesting reading and it won't make me look too shallow because it won't just be about the Apple Watch. I will call the post "What's coming my way this week". I felt quite happy with this decision and so when I rolled over in bed, I promptly fell asleep.

Now it's morning and I realise that that decision was made with the logic that is available to people at 3:30am, which is to say, none. You see, I have practically nothing planned for this week. Tomorrow night I'm going to a council-run seminar called Navigating Childcare in Darebin. On Wednesday morning I'm having a session with a personal trainer at the gym, which you get free when you sign up and i've been too lazy to organise until now. That's it. That's all that's coming my way this week.
Decisions I make at 3:30am in the morning are clearly quite bad.

No scrubs update (AM)

I'm a few weeks in to the No Scrubs experiment and shit is getting interesting.  Here is a reminder of what my hair looked like when last we spoke about it:

Frizzy. I think that's the word for it. 

Here's what's happening on my head right now...

Less frizz, right?! Right. A bit of curl, right?! Right. 

And in general, my hair feels a lot fuller and while it looks a lot more wild, it feels a lot more predictable and manageable. These are very good things. But I can't like to you Crabbies, I kind of miss washing my hair. I miss having it as an option if I want to look a bit nice. Not that it really worked that way in practice, but it felt like that's the way it worked and that perception was a powerful thing. 

At the moment, I spend half the time I designate to thinking about hair loving it and touching it. The other half I worry about how greasy it looks.  I've been told it doesn't look greasy at all, but it's on my mind. Literally! Ha. Not really. My mind is not on my scalp, that's crazy. 

I'm going to soldier on, of course. I'm considering trying 'washing' it in baking soda and conditioning it in apple cider vinegar, as the internet advocates for the No Scrubs set. But I wonder whether that will compromise the experiment. I don't know. I guess I'll wait and see. 

No scrubs (AM)

Guess what I'm doing? Or NOT doing more like it? 

That's right readers. I'm not washing my hair. I've thought about it for ages and now I'm finally doing it. 

As you all know, I pretty much hate my hair all of the time. Sure, I have the occasional day where it looks half decent, but most of the time it's a mess that I don't know what to do with. The not washing phenomenon (or 'no poo' as the Internet calls it, or 'no scrubs' as I like to call it) which J and my former hairdresser was a fan of, seems like it could be perfect for me. Apparently it lets hair reclaim it's natural waves, which I know are there beneath all the frizz. Apparently it makes hair look lighter, which if true will help me kill another bird with the same stone, that being the bird that chirps to me about dying my hair blonde. It could be the answer to my prayers. Of course if could also look really really shit, which is absolutely not one of my prayers. Early indications are not good. It's been about 10 days and as you can see from the above, hair ain't be wavin', hair be frizzin'. Here's another shot. 

Oh, I should mention that I  washing my fringe because it just looks too shit without it. But everything else is strictly no scrubs. 

Oh, and here's a walnut stuffed shortbread I ate today. Delicious. 

But back to the hair. J is really my inspiration for this. She didn't wash her hair for a year and her hair looked awesome. It filled me with awe! It looked excellent every day for a year. If I could have just a little bit of her success I would be over the moon. I plan to blog about it regularly so we can all go on this scrubleas journey together. Away we go, readers. 

A box of Miss Soft Crab assorted (AM)

Today I thought I would cover off on a few of the things Miss Soft Crab is famous for in one single, easy to use post. Because sometimes there's so much stuff to eat and see and think about that it's hard to pick a favourite. Other times one has a little bit to say about a few things, but is light on detail on all those things. I'll leave it to you to decide what kind of day it is today.


First, hunks.
The Chutney Club met yesterday and we had a lovely day as usual. There were two figgy jams, a cheesy spread, a nutty/seedy mix, some pickled plums and I just brought chocolate for everyone because I couldn't get it together to make something.  At one point, the conversation turned from food to hunks. Pickle commented on how much she liked Leonardo di Caprio. We all nodded and murmured  in agreement. We talked about him for a little bit, how he's a real bona fide movie star and his appeal is not waning as the years go by. This conversation felt like it lasted for a about 30 seconds but at some point, J got up and left the room and when she came back she said "what are we talking about? Are we still on Leonardo?". We were still on Leonardo. A bunch of grown women in their thirties talking about Leonardo like it was 1996.






The conversation only really ended when someone commented that it was very sad Jonny Depp had left Vanessa Paradis and we all nodded and murmured in agreement.





Ok, now lets talk about clothes.

I want to dress like all of these people in pictures that I found on The Sartorialist.

The above picture is from a post called 'Big grey sleeves under everything' which I think is overstating it. It seems to me like big grey sleeves under coats. On two people.

This photo was from a post about turtlenecks, which have always been dear to my heart.

Clearly there's a bit of a theme going on, which is about being warm and comfortable. The only problem is that while these people look stylish and 'fashion forward', I'm pretty sure that if I dressed like this I would look like I was 'letting myself go'.

I'm not saying I won't do it, just that I guess I have to pick my moments. And my audience.
Ok, that's all for now. Bye you guys. See you in the PM.

Printed pants (AM)

I bet you don't need me to tell you about the proliferation of printed pants. You go through years, fashion movement after fashion movement, with nothing like a printed pant, funny colours maybe, a check here or there and then, whammo, wack ass prints everywhere! And first you think, "that is some wack shit, what are people thinking?!" And then as time wears on, you wear down and start thinking, "Should I be wearing printed pants?" First you push it out of your mind knowing you are probably just tired and weak but then you start seeing things, thinking, "But maybe they are cool".

It's not that I was seeing random women in printed pants and coveting them. Let me make it clear that I think the majority of print pants look shit, it was the Obus Instagram feed that started me thinking maybe I was missing out on something.

  

The thing is that I look at these pants now and I know they are ugly, but for some reason I kept thinking about them. This print also comes in a legging which I thought may be acceptable. Until, of course, I realised none of it was acceptable. I don't even really love the print, but something about their styling on Instagram just kept me going back to look at them. 

I'm happy to report that so far my legs are still only clad in block colours of black and blue, and with the promise of normal jeans at my finger tips I think I am out of this print pant madness. I think. I know that if I ever fell I would have to confess my folly to you all. That's how I role, I'm a great confessor of my most embarrassing acts, let's hope, friends, that day never comes.

Stream of hdklg fjnzm,ds./ b (AM)

****^sorry guys!!!!! I thought I published this on Thursday! My bad!*******
You know how sometimes you have a thought and first, before the thought is fully formed, there is a little deformed pre-thought, a hint of the thought, and when the thought is finally formed you realise how deformed that initial pre-formed thought was? You know?

Like, today I thought about writing stream of consiousness style. But for some reason the initial pre-formed and pretty deformed thought had me unconcsiously imagine that my stream of consciousness would look like this: nebskJLRDThlkd dszuidFHndbms  nsmd,f gdFsaiBKH. You know, more face-plant writing than stream of concsiousness writing. Rather than putting down thoughts as they happen, stream of consciousness-style, in my split-second preformed though, this idea just meant mashing the keyboard. Yeah, two different things. I know. And yet, I think perhaps it is a little bit telling of the state of my brain right now. Tired, generally somewhat incoherent. My brain basically is like a keyboard mash. When I though stream of concsiousness, I liked the idea of things just coming out - and ideally being great. Plus, if it was actually like face-plant or keyboard mash writing it would be so easy, but, you know, pretty nonsensical.

I tell you what, how about we wait until I have been northside (of the equator) a little longer and I have wifi on tap and then I will give you something good. Thanks for understanding guys!

Fitness Friday - the Travolta method (PM)

Sure, taking exercise cues from a retold version of a routine in a book is sub-optimal, but I really could have read the book myself last time I was at J's and I saw it sitting right there in a pile of fitness paraphernalia. I didn't, readers. I didn't.

Ok. Lets get this over with.

Update on Jane. 
Um, it has not been going well.
I went for a walk around Princes Park on Wednesday. I did  some sit ups and stuff when I got home. Then I lay down on my yoga mat because my back was hurting a little and listened to This American Life and had a nap.
When I got out of bed yesterday, the yoga mat was still on the floor in the exact spot I left it after my nap. So I did a couple of salutes to the sun. Then I had a shower.
I felt great!


My views on John. 
Look, I'm not impressed with the bullshit he is spouting. We know you're looking fine  Travolta but no meals after 6pm? Ewwww, keep it to yourself.

Having said that, he was looking pretty fine in some of those pictures. But nothing gold can stay.

So knowing that, I suspect I am going to keep walking around Princes Park and doing the occasional salute to the sun.  And I am going to sustain the shit out of that routine.

Fitness Friday - the Travolta method (AM)

I am woman enough to admit that Fitness Friday was not necessarily the best idea that Miss Soft Crab has ever had. But it seemed good at first. Spend a month working out from these hilarious exercise books. As I see it there are two main flaws. First, exercising from a book is effing boring. Second, reading a badly conceived and badly retold exercise plan on a blog must be effing boring. So, Fitness Friday is changing a bit. Today I will update you on my progress with Jane and then, rather than give you John Travolta's routine, I will just give you some of his hot tips. Sounds heaps better, right?

Update on Jane

I gave that up weeks ago. A week or two ago when I was trying to do the workout but then Baby woke up and yada, yada, yada, that was that. Do you know how effing boring working out from a book is? And with no weights. Forget that. If I'm gonna do resistance training it is at a gym with some resistance. BUT, on the positive side since the implementation of Fitness Friday I have been going for runs fairly regularly and sometimes after a run I do push-ups and stomach crunches. I think I kind of have Jane to thank for that. I wonder how K has been going

The Travolta Method
 
John Travolta Staying Fit is all about combining the the 'spontaneity and excitement of dance with the building and toning of weightlifting'! Sounds like my kind of routine. I WANNA DANCE! Also, I love weightlifting cause I love getting strong and getting muscles. But right now I don't do any. It's a lifestyle (laziness) issue. So I guess this would actually be a really great work out for me.

The plan has you work out 6 days a week. Everyday you do the same warm up then you alternate dance exercise days with weightlifting days.

There are some things you should probably know about how Travolta got so buff for Staying Alive. Even though he 'was in the worst shape of [his] life... twenty pounds overweight' he managed to get this body in just FOUR MONTHS!

And only by working out 6 days a week with a minimum of 5 hours of working out a day and up to 14 hours a day. Also he had a personal trainer and nutritionist (of course) and Sylvester Stallone overseeing his transformation guys. And with only those factors in place we could all get this body too!

Travolta says he loves eating but he has some great tips on dieting! Firstly, with the help of Sly Stallone and his personal trainer he really dedicated himself to the diet, even though he would still sometimes stay awake all night 'just imagining what it would be like to have another meal in my stomach'. Oh sure, that sounds like a reasonable diet. Then, as he started getting buff, he says, 'my appetite for food decreased - but my appetite for sex increased! Fortunately sex is not fattening, so treat yourself to it.' Eeeeeeeeeeeewwww! Keep it to yourself Travolta.

He suggests not eating anything after 6PM and having your last meal between 5 and 6. Eeeeeeeeeeewwwww! Keep it to yourself Travolta. No way I could eat nothing after 6. Unless I was working out for 14 hours a day and was passed out for the next 10.

Remember how many exercises I told you Jane Fonda had. Heaps and heaps. So many heaps. Well John Travolta Staying Fit has almost 200 pages of work out! 200! Your crazy if you think I read them all. Basically there are a bunch of standing stretches and floor stretches in the dance section.



Oh and partner stretches. As he says "Working out with a friend is always better than working alone - especially when your partner is someone of the opposite sex!'

Travolta partnering with himself

Then there is the weightlifting section, which I guess is kind of similar to Jane Fonda's except it involves weights and is way more manly.

Travolta says you should train to failure. And that is a workout I can get behind. Jane and her 'just work out a bit' attitude is bullshit if you ask me. I'm more of a go hard or go home kind a gal. Which translates to me spending most of my time at home cause I can't be bothered going hard. But hey, that's how I chose to live my life.

So, where does that leave me and Fitness Friday?  Probably just going for more runs and maybe doing some more sit-ups and push-ups. But maybe, just maybe, I'll keep reading Travolta and get super inspired to get buffffffff!!!!!

Possum Magic (AM)

Yesterday, The Age ran an article about how some people (the fun police!) want to put a bunch of possums on birth control because they are "destructive, costly, dirty pests". These people want to get rid of possums and think that birth control is a more humane way of controlling their numbers than wasting them.

Readers: I do not feel good about wasting possums, but I feel even worse about putting them on birth control.  Governments absolutely do not belong in the bedrooms of possums. Who are we to interfere with their fuzzy wuzzy reproductive rights? No one, that's who. 

I'll tell you what I do like, though.

The picture that ran with the story. 

Have you ever seen such a lusty marsupial in your life?  This little guy is almost literally gagging for it.
And his/her face perfectly illustrates why putting possums on birth control is a terrible idea. Possums are just going to do what comes naturally to possums, and no 28 day cycle of Brenda or Dianne or whatever they call the possum pill is going to change that. There's always going to be one little possum who forgot to take her pill that morning, or who got a tummy bug after eating some bad Lily Pilly and before you know it, bam! Baby possums. It only takes one time you guys. And that's just how it should be.
Go get em, possums!

Fitness Friday - the Jane Fonda way (PM)

Russeth has this record. 

Thanks for the summary, J. I think some aspects of this new project will be a piece of cake. 

For example, don't be bulimic? Don't need to ask me twice, Jane Fonda. I didn't even spew when I went to India and ate that cheese dosa that I thought would be stuffed with paneer but was in fact stuffed with what tasted like cheese that a pigeon had used as a mattress for a few weeks,  then melted and put on my dosa.  Not even when I ate (all of) that did I spew. So don't worry about the whole bulimic thing, I'm totally on it. 

Regarding Jane Fonda's recommendation that I set realistic goals, I guess I feel like I don't want to take that advice. I am inherently lazy and frightened of physical discomfort, Jane Fonda. A realistic goal for me would be to support J as she progresses through the Jane Fonda New Workout and Weight-Loss program. But that's not what Miss Soft Crab's Fitness Friday is about. 
No.

So like J, I am going to go for a run three times a week and stretch three times a week. I will also try not to eat sugar. It's not realistic, but shit Jane Fonda,  if you want to make an omelette, you have to crack a few eggs. Though I don't have a small child that prevents me from working out for an hour a day, I have a small inner child that just wants to lie around and eat twisties so shit you guys, give a lady a break. 

See you next Friday for a progress update! Yeah!

Fitness Friday - the Jane Fonda way

Are you familiar with the expression 'seemed like a good idea at the time'? What it means is that sometimes a person has an idea that seems good but then really, it's not a very good one. I think that maybe that's what this Friday Fitness program may have been. You see the one fatal flaw in this plan is that Jane Fonda, John Travolta and the Super Firm guys wrote entire books about their fitness program and I thought I could just write one little post about each and we'd all get fit? Who do I think I am?!

But I made a promise guys, I told you I'd give you Jane and I'm gonna. But don't expect me to be thorough or entertaining.

So Jane encourages us to take a sensible approach to our fitness regime. Sure, there is a little confusion. Like, she is all, "this isn't about losing weight, it's about feeling better, getting strong and healthy". But then she is all, "If you follow this you'll lose weight, but don't rush it". She does have good tips like, don't be bulimic and set realistic goals. Both important.



But there are some things I like about this book. Well mainly one thing, it's Jane's eat carbs, ditch meat approach to eating. Now that is a diet I approve of. Me, I actually only do care about getting buff so I am not following Jane's diet. Also because this is what she says we can eat in one day:


2 choices of dark green vegetables (1/4 cup broccoli and 1 cup spinach, for example)
1 choice another vegetable (a carrot, or a LARGE MUSHROOM! for example)
1-2 choices of fruit (an apple and an apricot, for example)
2 choices cereal/grain (1 piece of bread and 1/2 cup oats, for example)
1 choice protein (1 egg or maybe 1/2 cup cooked lentils, for example)
2 choices dairy (1 cup low fat milk, 1 cup low fat yoghurt, for example)
1 choice fat (1 tablespoon oil, for example)

Jesus Christ, Jane Fonda are you trying to kill me? One large mushroom! Are you effing kidding me. This seemed like a tiny amount but I tried it for a day. By about 1PM I had exhausted my 1 non-dark green vegetable (1/4 avocado), fruit (a few strawberries and an apple), grain (1 piece of bread, one bowl porridge) allocations. Also, I'd had a couple of spoonfuls of custard that I'd been making for ice-cream. So that was probably half my dairy and all my fat intake. Which meant for the rest of the day I could eat 2 green vegetable serves, 1 protein and one dairy serve. Get real Jane, I'm a human. Incredulous that this was all I could eat for the rest of the day I did a calorie count and saw that I had eaten less than half the calories Jane suggested for the day. A mushroom has 3 calories and I can only have one of them? Of course I went off the diet. BUT, I am going to try and loosely follow it. That is I'm going to try and eat a little less food and a little more carefully and cut down on fats and cut out sugar. I feel like Jane would approve.

Okay, now comes the regime. Obviously I can't type it out word for word. Also there about 40 things she wants you to do broken down into warm-up (TWELVE WARM-UP EXERCISES! Fair suck of the sav, Jane!), upper body, aerobics, aerobics cool down, abs, legs and hips, buttocks, cool down. Sheesh Jane, way to make your New Workout plagiarism-proof from the lazy blogger. Boy did she have foresight.

I can't tell you everything that Jane suggests so here is a selection of things I may do (and let's all remember I have no extra knowledge about health or fitness other than what I picked up living as a human for the last 30something years and skim reading this book. I promise nothing, I know nothing):

Warm-up 

Head presses (moving head for side to side, stretching neck each side for a count of 4. Twice each side.)
Shoulder rolls (you know, lift up shoulders roll them backwards in a circle. Do 8 times.)
Elbow circles (put hands on shoulders then circle them forward up and down. Do it 16 times.)
Waist lifts (stretching arms up and leaning to each side stretching the waist)
Hamstring stretch, toe raises, tendon stretch, knee bends (basically all variations of forward bends)
Push-ups (girl style, as many as you can, yesterday I did 10)
 

Upper body

Bicep curls
Pectoral presses
Tricep extensions
Deltoid presses
Side arm lifts
Do eight of each. Jane suggests no weights, but as I am not a pussy I am going to use small weights. Except for the deltoid weights because in truth I am a little bit of a pussy. Finish with a shoulder stretch

Aerobics

Your goal, according to Jane, is to reach 20-30 mins of aerobic exercises here. Go for a brisk walk or jog, dance around the room run on the spot. You know, get aerobic. Do a stretchy cool-down.

Abs

Sit-ups (from lying with knees bent, do 20)
Crunches (legs up in the air, curl head and shoulder up to knees, do 24)
Crossovers (as above but you direct your elbows towards the opposite knee, do 16)
Hip stretch (lie on back bring knees up to your chest)

Legs and hips and ass

A variety of leg lifts (google them, shit you guys I'm totally bored of the sound of my internal voice)
Pelvic curls (do a bunch)

Cool down

Hip and hamstring stretch
Groin stretch
Side stretch

Shit, Jane Fonda, where do you find the time?! Seriously. Yesterday was my first go. Because I wanted to run but was home alone with Baby I skipped the aerobics portion just did the stretching and resistance stuff and went for a run later. I've decided that I will do the stretching and resistance stuff 3 days a week and go for a run three days a week. Because shit, I have a small child, I can't be doing hour long work outs all the time. Not at home anyway. So really this isn't Jane's workout at all. It's more J does Jane. Whoopsee.

Internet, I don't even recognise you anymore (AM)

So I had what I thought was a pretty great idea. I was going to write a post called 'On this day'* and I was going to find hilarious emails that K and I had written to each other on this day in years gone by. But by some perverse twist of fate it seems as if we have never written hilarious emails to each other on March 19th. I know, it makes no sense. At least there are none that are still in my email account anyways. What I learned though, by looking through old correspondence, is that the Internet has changed. That is, things that were there aren't there anymore. For example see this email exchange between K and me from May 2008.

ME: Hi mate. I am home sick today, i must get better before Saturday. Luckily though I have had a very productive day already having found some delights of youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXgWK7D3VQE&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPSLNBs9REE&feature=related

hahahhahahahaha

K: Mate, that first one is so hilarious I could weep. The second is also wonderful, however the song accompanying the first takes my breath away. Hahahaha. Kudos to you mate. You know, I was thinking about that hilarious Boreanaz calendar you bought me just last night. I saw an ad for Bones and naturally my mind wandered to a less puffy version of Boreanaz. Such a good one. Its  a good idea that you are home sick today. As you noted, you must play this week very carefully. I hope you are not feeling too bad. How are you feeling, my friend? Are you going to watch Dr Phil? I wonder what he is talking about today...

THE FIRST VIDEO WAS SO HILARIOUS SHE COULD WEEP!!! Did you click that link??? Video no longer available! Forever, what I can only assume was a hilarious montage of David Boreanaz pictures set to music, is gone! Doesn't it make you upset???

Then there was this gmail chat I had with 'D' in February 2009 . This website still exists (and I encourage you to look at the photo gallery - the hedgehog is my favourite)  but it clearly has had a facelift.

D: http://www.animalrentals.com/images/Poochies/IrishSetter.jpg
Me: nice coat. not as handsome as my special guy
D: bit fat headed
Me: yeah. and how about that expression.
D: see the domain animal rentals!  red setter escort happy endings guaranteed!
Me: I know. I was just looking at it. creepy. i think that boxer would know how to have a good time though
D: very provocative stance. check out the bust on that Hunter
Me: PHWOAR. I thinkthat Wrapper may have been in the business way too long.
D: well haggard
 

Firstly, I don't think they still have a section called "Poochies" and secondly the pictures no longer look like they are pimping pets in quite the same way. 

At least some things are constant. Please click this link sent to me in December 2010.

D: The handstand is the worst

http://pregnantchicken.squarespace.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2010/12/10/awkward-pregnancy-photos.html

Me: When I read that I was all, "wow, i can't believe I never did a handstand when I was pregnant" and then I saw that photo and, well, I... I have nothing

Yes, the  handstand is still the worst.

*On this day in 1955 Bruce Willis was born. Happy birthday Bruce Willis.

Please stop

There is so much stuff on TV these days that I don't really get.
The X factor. Two and a half Men. All the renovating shows. Obviously Junior Masterchef. Even so, I can't tell you how baffled I am by the Rivers ads.
They have been terrible for a long time, but the one I saw the other night takes the cake.
I tried to find it on the internet but couldn't.Then I filmed my very own interpretation of it, but blogger wouldn't let me upload it because even blogger doesn't want to be a part of the misery of the Rivers ads. Happily, Miss Soft Crab's facebook page has no such prejudice, so you can see what I am talking about here. Perhaps you should also like our facebook page if you haven't done so already! Just a suggestion.
Anyway, even amid all these 9/11 tributes they've been showing this week, it is hands down the most depressing thing I have seen on Television in ages, maybe forever.

Please stop Rivers. I don't know how much more I can take.

Spanagnocchita

You know how some things seem like a really good idea when they are first presented to you and then when you look into the details you realise it isn’t as good an idea as you thought, but because the initial idea was so striking you can’t fight it and go ahead with it anyway?

Meet spanagnocchita. It is actually called baked gnocchi spanakopita with currants and pine nuts (or something). But you get the idea. You better believe when I saw this recipe I got pretty excited. I really love gnocchi. Those chewy little bastards! I wish there were some in my mouth right now! Also I love spanakopita. What a beautiful marriage this would be!

And then I read the recipe. Cook the gnocchs. Cook some silverbeet. Make a shit load of white sauce. Layer the gnocchi, silverbeet, pine nuts and currants in the white sauce. Bake. You may think that inspired by K’s cooking from the old Australia Woman's Weekly Best Ever Recipes that I pulled this recipe from the 80s. You would think that, what with all the white sauce and dried fruit, but I didn’t. It is from a fairly recent issue of delicious! Look, I don’t really like béchamel that much. I mean, I like it in a lasagna, surrounded by other things like tomatoey sauce. And I did eat it in a crepe with mushrooms and spinach just yesterday. But I guess the key is moderation. It could never be the hero of the dish for me. And yet the idea of gnocchi spana kept calling to me with its siren song. I kept telling myself it wouldn't work out. That with all that béchamel the spanakopita name didn't delong anywhere near this thing. But I just kept getting pulled back to the idea of it.

Guys, I wish this story had a happy ending. I mean, I didn't even put the currants in, but that fucking meal was... it was... It wasn't awful. Gnocchi and cheesy sauce and pine nuts and silverbeet... of course it wasn't terrible. The best thing I can say about it is now it is done and I can move on with my life.

Cherry Ripe Dark Cherry: The Miss Soft Crab Review

I quite like a Cherry Ripe.

Not enough to go out and buy one, mind you, but if someone put one in my mouth, I would totally eat it. Now, the world has given us the Cherry Ripe Dark Cherry.

Do we need Cherry Ripe Dark Cherry? I wouldn't have thought so. Is there even any opportunity for innovation in the Cherry Ripe space? Again. I wouldn't have thought so, but I guess the folks at head office thought differently. But really, who am I to argue with what is undoubtedly the result of years and years of market research and laboratory testing? Mine is not to question why. The fact is, Cherry Ripe Dark Cherry does exist, and what's left for me is to discover whether it is worth a damn and communicate my views to the Miss Soft Crab community. Lets do that, shall we?

This is what Cherry Ripe Dark Cherry looks like. So far so BORING, right?

I bit in to it and immediately realised that I was totally right about it not needing to exist. But just to be sure, I took a few more bites until it looked like this:

Suspicions confirmed, people. It tastes even more fake than your typical Cherry Ripe. Instead of tasting like sugar, coconut and fake cherry flavour, the Cherry Ripe Dark Cherry tastes like sugar, coconut and the fake cherry flavour you get in some over-the-counter cough medicines. I know, because I ate the whole thing and I started to crave some flat lemonade to make the taste go away.

Now we all know. Don't bother, readers.

What was I thinking?

I was looking at The Sartorlialist yesterday and happened upon this photo of some of his notes and sketches. Check out how similar our writing styles are! Here I am writing some of the same text he wrote in his picture.

I swear I didn't try to make them look similar, that's really what my handwriting looks like. It's really similar, right? Of course I would prefer if my general style was more like his, but handwriting style is a good start.
Anyway, this made me think about a good idea for a blog post. I know for a fact that some members of my family have very similar handwriting, and I thought it would be interesting to get everyone to write a sample sentence and then compare them. What an interesting experiment this will be! I thought to myself.
I texted Elderbro and Midbro straight away so they could get working on their samples. I gave them clear instructions. I said:

"Hi dude, could you please write the following text on a piece of paper and photograph it then text/email it to me? This is my handwriting when I am making an effort to be neat. This is my handwriting when I am making no effort to be neat. (obviously I would like you to either make an effort/not make an effort depending on the text you are writing). Thanks!"

I asked for the two samples because I thought it would be interesting to see whether our writing was more similar when we were making an effort, or when we were just freestyling. After all, it was going to be an interesting experiment.

Knowing that my parents would struggle to absorb all of this in a text message, I emailed them the same request, explicitly asking each of them to write the nominated sentences. I also asked them to scan it and email it to me because they don't have smart phones from which to send photographs, but they do have a scanner. So by the end of the day, I had notified everyone in my immediate family of what they had to do, and all that was left was to wait for the results to roll in.

Of course, this did not happen. First, Midbro replied saying that it was the school musical that night and he couldn't possible do it until morning. For those of you who don't know, Midbro teaches Year 6 at a school we will call Grighton Brammar. Each year, Grighton Brammar puts on a musical with the girls at a neighbouring school we will call Birfank. This year they are doing the hit Disney musical Alladin. Anyway, the performance was last night and because Midbro fancies himself as being a but like the teacher in Glee (he once told me that he really relates to him) he couldn't do what I asked. I guess this is fair enough.

But as for the rest of the family, their inability to follow instructions and/or inability to use technology has totally compromised the exciting potential of my handwriting exercise.

This, from elder bro after several text messages providing further clarification:

What about the sample when you are making no effort to be neat, Elderbro? What about that? My instructions were so clear! I could tell that further text messaging would just make things worse so I let it go.

Mum called me when she read the email, saying that they didn't know how to use the scanner. Knowing that my uncle Gary and aunt Glenda are staying with them, I suggested they consult with those guys to figure it out. She said they had already consulted, and no one knew. I told her that four adults with an operating manual should be able to operate a scanner. Right? Right? Apparently not.
This came through a short while later:

Not only can they not operate the scanner properly, but they also misunderstood the instructions, so only Dad wrote the first sentence and only Mum wrote the second. What kind of comparison is that?! These people would make terrible scientists!

Happily, Midbro got on board this morning and sent the following samples through:

Um, I can't really tell the difference, can you?

And finally, here is my sample:

I can't tell the difference here either.

But here's what I can tell:

-Elderbro has nice neat writing that looks like a masculine version of Mum's

-Dad has terrible writing because he is vision impaired and has arthritis but he is excellent at lawn bowls and cooking steak (the last bits I know from experience, not his handwriting)

-Mum has nice neat writing that looks like a lady version of Elderbro's

-Midbro's writing looks like a no-nonsense version of mine

-My writing looks like The Sartorialist's!

-This was a terrible idea.