Monday, June 29, 2015

29 June 2015 (PM)

Ironically, in that Alanis Morrisette way and not in any actual way, it is my last month before returning to work from maternity leave. I guess  my feelings are mixed too. Exhaustion is moderate. But I'm going to the snow this week so I'm trying not to think about all that other stuff.

... time lapse...

Turns out I'm not thinking about anything at all, because after starting that post this morning I just zoned out into some world of non... just non. I guess my brain is already in the snowy wasteland. Sorry.




29 June 2015 (AM)


It's my last week of work before I go on maternity leave. Feelings are mixed. Exhaustion is profound. And I really regret not buying this tiger and cub statue.
That's all for today. 

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Haiku Thursday (PM)

I dream of things like
Cheese, sashimi, runny eggs
J's dreams are cooler




Haiku Thursday (AM)



Dreams
Last night dreamt I met
Questlove in a Johnstone Street
Taqueria. Weird. 

Last week dreamt I met
Snoop on a bus in Cali 
Offered me a joint

What does it all mean?
Probably that I should, must
Get out a lot more 

Monday, June 22, 2015

Sounds like my Sunday night (PM)


Strangely, I've been in a pretty positive mood all day, despite the fact that there are baby girls out there called Wyatt. What the eff, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. What the eff. 
I think my positivity is largely sport related. First, the Dees won yesterday. Against the Cats at Cat park! The most unlikely win ever! And while I take no pleasure in a Cats defeat, I take enormous pleasure in a Dees victory, so here I am feeling cheerful. 
Then I woke to the news that the Matildas won their round of sixteen match against Brazil last night. I love it when women's sport gets news coverage and I love it when women are total champs and this represented both those things. I find it very exciting.

I wish Doggy was still with us though. He was truly a dog for all seasons. There's nothing positive about him not being here. Sorry Mate.  

Sounds like my Sunday night (AM)

Last night I started writing about dogs. But it ended up really just being about the part of my soul I lost when Doggy died and I am pretty sure no one wants to start their week off reading about the death of a dog or the attendant heartache. I mean we have all week for the melancholy to grow, let's try and start  off positive.

The crazy thing is, I watched Ted last night and if that can't elicit a positive post, what hope is there.






I couldn't stop thinking about where the story goes in Ted 2 and how Amanda Seyfried is the female lead instead of Mila Kunis and how I hope that doesn't mean that the Marky Mark and Mila Kunis characters have broken up. I mean the whole point of Ted is their personal growth and eventual marriage. This in turn led me to question why I'm such a square and whether I'm too resistant to change. But that's what movies often ask of us, to invest everything into a relationship, you can't just trash that relationship for the sake of a sequel. Plus I quite like Mila Kunis and I can't say the same for Seyfried.

Apparently Mila Kunis was too busy being a mother to her baby, Wyatt, to be in Ted 2. Yep, she's at home with baby girl. Her baby girl called Wyatt. Oh, Wyatt isn't a girl's name you say? Moreover, it's fucking ugly. I know! Wyatt makes Apple look like a great name. Seriously, Hollywood. What are you doing to your children?!?! Anyway I wish I didn't know about baby Wyatt, it really is making me rethink my feelings for Kunis.

Ugh, this attempt at a positive start to the week didn't work at all. Off you go. I release you from this post.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

What now? (PM)

Wow, this morning's post raised so many questions. But it made me think some other things too, like if I was a cardinal who had helped cover up the abuse perpetrated on hundreds or thousands of victims and I really believed in the teachings of Catholicism and I just kept on rising through the Catholic ranks till I got moved over to Italy and handed a Vatican credit card I would be nervous as fuck about what was awaiting me in the afterlife.

But that's by the by I guess. I don't believe in God (although the idea of one that just keeps rewarding a-holes in this life to lull them into a false sense of security before handing them over to Satan in the afterlife amuses me. But in reality that would be a total abuse of his or her omnipotence that I couldn't support. ) I just believe in treating people well, not effing them over, you know, being excellent to each other. But I also believe in sense. You know, you want to look after people, but you  gotta understand the parameters of the world.

If you found a wallet with money it, $10, $90, $1000, you'd try and find the owner or you'd hand it in to the police station. Or you do both. Once I found a wallet in from of my house and I tracked down the owner on Facebook and told her which police station I'd taken her wallet to. Boy did I feel good about myself. If you found a bag with heaps of cash in it, you'd take that to the police station too. But $90 sitting in the street, the person that lost that knows they are never getting it back. Lost cash is one of life's little mysteries and tragedies. When you lose a bit of cash like that you wonder how you could have been so foolish. You look around, and if you find a message saying "Hey! Did you lose something here? I found it, please call me." Then you call the number on that sign. Presuming you left a number. You left a number, right mate? But there is no way a person is hanging on to the hope of finding that $90 two weeks after they lost it. You have to make peace with lost cash basically the day you lose it because you know there is no way it is coming back to you.

That money is yours mate. 

What now? (AM)

When I was little and growing up as a tiny  catholic, I used to really worry that God would send me a calling and I would have to become a nun. Catholicism is littered with stories of saints who were just regular folk, going about their business until God called them to his flock. I was very worried this would happen to me and the life that I was making for myself (watching cartoons on Saturday morning, trailing around after my brothers, hoping that the cool kids would accept me) would be over. I liked my life. I didn't want it to be over. I was concerned. 
At first I thought I would just ignore the calling if it came. They seemed to be pretty private affairs, so if I got one in a dream or something, then who would know right? Right? Wrong. Apparently ignoring a call is pretty much the worst thing you can do, worse than murder. Funny how ignoring a call from God will send you to hell forever, but ignoring abuse perpetrated upon hundreds of children will make you a cardinal and let you vote on who gets to be pope. But that's a puzzle for another time. 
As it turned out, I never got a call and I never had to face god's test, and so phew for me. But I was reminded of all this the other day when I faced another test. While walking home from the tram stop, I found a pineapple and two lobsters on the ground, and I am not talking about fruit and crustaceans.   I'm talking ducats. Filthy lucre. Cash money. Just lying on the ground with no visible owner. 
It was a thrilling and alarming discovery. Finding money is the best. But finding so much money? That's quite distressing. The person who lost it would be so upset! I felt I couldn't take it because it was so much money.  But the person who lost it was nowhere to be seen. And I stood there for 10 minutes, waiting to for someone to come by, so I should know. So what was I to do? Leave it there for someone else to find? That didn't seem sensible at all. I was being tested and I didn't know what to do. And Appleheart was not answering his phone because he was at home watching his favourite program, If You Are The One.  Eventually a gust of wind and along and started to scatter the money about the place and for some reason, this prompted me to scoop it up and quickly walk home. But I knew the test wasn't over. So I made this sign and stuck it up on the lamppost right next to where I found it. 
Then I waited for two weeks. No call. 
So, like, is the test over? Is the cash money mine? I'm still confused. 

Monday, June 15, 2015

Miss Soft Crab assorted (PM)

Maxi pads in all the toilets! Wow! That's private healthcare for you!

You know what I'm thinking about nearly non-stop?! This blush-coloured Cheap Monday coat I picked up for $50 on the weekend.



It's true that I was already pretty well sorted for coats. And it's true that I don't believe you should buy something just because it is on mega sale. But it is also true that I am so attracted to this colour at the moment I could not resist. It's also true that just because I believe that thing about not buying things just because they are on mega sale doesn't mean I can always live by it. Finally, and perhaps truest of all is that I love to be warm and my passion for wearing doonas in public is second only to my passion for hot chips. And hunks. And sweet clothes. So now I am the delighted owner of a long pink puffer. 

Miss Soft Crab assorted (AM)

Yesterday I went on a tour of the hospital where I am going to have the baby. Because I am going to have a baby soon, I had to go to the toilet a couple of times during the 45 minute tour. 

All the toilets have these in them, next to to toilet paper. 


Maxi pads. Maxi pads galore. I'm anticipating that it's going to be a pretty leaky time. 

Speaking of bodies, mine doesn't understand how to work with gloves. By rights, When I put gloves over my cold hands, they should warm up.  That's what happens when I put a jumper on over my cold torso. Not so with gloves. My hands stay just as cold, only covered in glove. My body has not got with the program at all, and it needs to. 

My final thought for the day (seriously, after this I'm having no more thoughts) is that a large part of the reason I exercise before work is that I get to feel smug all day for exercising before work. I'm not happy about being so shallow, but it's the truth. Some mornings, however, there is a really nice sunrise and I get to see it. On those days I feel glad that there is another reason.


Thursday, June 11, 2015

Hot (PM)

Forget you, patriarchy. And forget you, Country Road with your $50 hot water bottle jumpers. Honestly. $50 is the same amount of money I spent on the pram I bought on eBay, which came with a wooly sleeping bag which is like a hot water bottle cover for your baby. As if,  CR. As if. 
But pictures of Paul Newman and texts from J in praise of hotties are always welcome here. 
'Here' being the space in front of my eyeballs. 
J's frequent texts about how much she loves her hottie have certainly got me in the mood for a hottie of my own, so much so that when Internet window shopping the other day I felt very tempted to buy this:

Nothing like shopping in a currency you don't understand to make you want to spend money. 
I didn't, of course. But I was tempted. 

Hot (AM)

I think it is probably true of most people that although one may like to think one is open-minded, one probably has to make a bit of effort to see things from another person's perspective. It's not that I am opposed to other people's perspective at all or think that I am always right and no one else is. It's just that I see the world the way I see it and I have to remind myself that not everyone sees it that way. Like often when I hear people are getting married I think, "Why?" LB and I have talked about getting married but I guess we never really saw the point so it always surprises me when people do. Certain people, obvs some people seem totes the marrying kind. When close male friends actually have all-male bucks nights, it's not that I am offended - seriously I'm not at all - just shocked people roll like that.

So it was pretty shocking to me last night when I Googled "hotties" and a page full of semi-naked ladies hit my Google screen.

Here's what happened: I wanted to write a post about how much I am loving hot water bottles right now. I was going to call it "In praise of hotties" and thought it would be hilariously misleading and in the true spirit of Miss Soft Crab to start the post with a picture of a hunk and then actually thought that by simply typing "hotties" into Google I would be gifted by the internet gods a bunch of pictures of Ewan McGregor and Jon Hamm or something. As if the male gaze is not the determinant of the world and the internet. Wow, it was actually kind of blissful to forget about the patriarchy, but boy there is no forgetting it now after the image of all those blondish oiled babes confronted my eyes. Serves me and my objectifying eyes right I guess.

But how good are hot water bottles? I have been taking one to bed regularly and loving the heck out of it too. And pretty regularly texting K to tell her about how much I love my hottie. Looks like Country Road love hot water bottles too. So much so they think charging $50 for a hot water bottle cover is legitimate.



I don't even buy $50 jumpers for my children from Country Road. As if I'd buy a $50 jumper for my hot water bottle. Anyway I'm pretty sure it couldn't improve on hot water bottles.

Anyway here is a hottie to ease you into the day.



Paul Newman's jumper probably didn't even cost fifty bucks. 

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Vegemite chocolate: the Miss Soft Crab review (PM)



I love a good salt and sugar combo too. And I love trying delicious new things. But I also have a pretty strong gag reflex and a fairly cerebral approach to life, both of which would save me from buying that Vegemite chocolate. Also I'm a total chocolate snob and never buy Cadbury chocolate,  I may have walked by this stuff a hundred times in the supermarket for all I know and just ignored it.

I think perhaps the mistake K is making is thinking that just because a thing was invented and then put on supermarket shelves, it's a good idea. But the strength of flavour of Vegemite has no place with chocolate, I say, and I wouldn't be surprised if the same is true of Guinness.

I'll admit I'm curious about and repulsed by the fact this chocolate has a liquid centre. Is there Vegemite in the middle of each chocolate piece, or just some kind of Vegemite ganache? On top of the mistake of the existence of this product, it seems like a liquid centre is really opting to make it as unpalatable as possible. WTF is happening in Cadbury development? It doesn't matter, I'm not going to eat it. 

Vegemite chocolate: the Miss Soft Crab review (AM)

When it comes to technology, no one with any interest in accuracy would call me an early adopter. I mean, I still use an iPhone 3. New things seem like too much trouble and I've no appetite for trouble. 
But when it comes to food, I am a mother flipping pioneer. I've  already decided that on my last day of work before I go on maternity leave, we're going to have a special leaving lunch of this: 


It's what The Guardian described as 'pizza or pie or neither'. It's going to be gross but maybe delicious and I can't wait.

It's also why this is in the house right now.

I'm sure you've all seen it at the supermarket. I love a bit of dairy milk and I love a smear of Vegemite, so when I saw Cadbury had brought them together I knew I had to try it. I bought it immediately and set about discovering what the total absence of fuss was about.

If I'd thought about it, I would have realised that vegechoc wouldn't be up my alley. I'm all for the pairing of salty and sweet things, but my experiments with Guinness chocolate in Ireland last year taught me that sometimes the pairing of sweet and salty tastes a little like contamination. So it goes with vegechoc. Plus, it's got a liquid centre, which makes me think of it like the dirty discarded piece of a snack chocolate bar. It's OK, but not really tasty enough to 'want' to eat.  You'd really just eat it because it's there. 

Monday, June 1, 2015

Here it is (PM)




It's true, I believe there is a porridge for all seasons. Sometimes if I am out for breakfast and there is no porridge on the menu I basically don't know what to do. If there is a Bircher I'm ok. But only just. 

Having said that though I also believe that winter is really porridge's time to shine. I didn't have porridge this morning cause I felt kind of sick and I didn't want to taint the porridge experience. 

But insofar as there's more to life than porridge, so to winter. Tonight I'm going to eat brassica soup for dinner, probably with some blue cheese. And if that is not one of winter's joys, I don't know what is. 

Here it is (AM)

You guys! Porridge season begins today! 
Though J would say porridge ain't got no season because it's not a fruit/vegetable  and she would be technically right. But it's a true fact that porridge has no greater friend than winter, and winter begins today. When I got up it was 2 degrees. Winter! It's warmed up a little since then. 

I'm feeling strangely positive about winter this morning, which is strange, because last week I totally spat the dummy when I had to go in to the ice cold laundry to get clean underwear from the washing basket. I got all apocalyptic and feared  I wouldn't be able survive months of doing that. Today, I feel kind of good about it. The porridge. The hearty slow cooking. The electric blankets. I'm excited! 
And I should really get this porridge on the stove, so if you'll excuse me...