Just thinking about coffee (as usual)

My feelings about coffee oscillate. I'm not talking about my love for it, which is constant, but rather my feelings about my addiction. I swing between feeling like an addiction to a harmless, delicious drug like caffeine is not doing anyone any harm, and feeling like it's not cool to be a slave to anything. But then I think I enjoy it so much, and why would I give up coffee. And then I think, well I guess that's what all addicts think. But then I think, well it's not bad for me or making me a bad person so who gives a shit. And then I have a coffee and feel great about everything. 

But recently I've been reading a book to the kids at night with this picture. 

Every time I see it I zoom in on this:

And I think, gee that looks good. I wouldn't mind sitting around with a group of small people/animals reading books and drinking I nice black coffee. No wonder that bunny teacher looks so content. Mmmmmm.

I guess what I'm saying is I feel a little alarmed by the fact I'm so attracted to a cartoon cup of coffee it's made me question my addiction again. 

Now I better go listen to some LCD Soundsystem and see what I'm missing out on!

Kudos to those guys revisited

I'm always accidentally saying things that are probably making people feel bad about themselves, but let's just hope they think I'm a dipshit rather than feel bad about themselves. I'd be cool with that. I can't think of any examples of this because last night as I lay down with Newbie I prewrote a  blog post in my head based on the premise that K didn't write a blog post and then she went and spoiled it all by posting! And we all know that my brain isn't capable of thinking that much in a 24-hour period.

I was going to write about how I thought things were rough for me on Tuesday, but single mum life must have been really getting K down because she couldn't post. But then she did. Still, it didn't sound easy.

It's funny about being a temporary single parent. For a few days it's kind of great. You can do everything you want the way you want to do it. You can feed your children and yourself foodstuffs that your partner may consider "not a real dinner" like soup. Or chopped up vegetables and a boiled egg. You don't have to wait for him to get home either. When I'm single parenting the kids are always in bed way earlier than when LB is at home. And then I get to choose whatever I want to watch on Netflix without having to consider anyone else. It's great. And then, theoretically, I'd get the bed to myself. Except the children always think that LB's excuse means there is no reason for them not to sleep in my bed. Sigh.

However, after two or three nights of this it really does become bullshit. Like there is no one to go to the shop to buy beer and you have to brush the kids' teeth every night. And you have to clean the kitchen after dinner. Ugh. Word up to all the single parents out there because doing all the jobs all the time is bullshit. Lucky for K Appleheart comes home today. She must be pumped. I hope he brings her a bottle of whiskey from duty free.

Late, but not never.

Hello crab friends.

It's a late update today due to KB's ongoing refusal to daytime nap and my reluctance to accept this new reality. 

Doesn't a double negative usually lead to a positive? Not in this case. 

Poor little KB. He really needs to sleep during the day but I think the super-disrupted routine of life without Appleheart is making it hard for him. He gets so grumpy and so discombobulated without a daytime sleep. At one point during the very long afternoon he burst into tears because I sneezed. It's pretty cute really. But not if you'r KB. 

Anyway, we're not here to talk about KB, we're here to talk about me, and the fact that I keep saying things that might be making people feel a bit shit. 

First exhibit:

I was taking a walk around the block during my lunch break and someone selling The Big Issue offered me a copy of The Big Issue. I smiled and said 'no thank you' because I didn't have any cash. He said "You might find you like it!" to which I replied "Better luck next time!". Which basically sounded like "you didn't make your case. You failed. Better luck next time". 

What I meant was 'I hope you have more luck with the next person', but sheesh, why do I have to sound like such a dipshit?

Second exhibit: 

KB and I were leaving his child care centre and passed the cleaner sweeping the floor. KB said "Broom! Broom!" and the cleaner was quite delighted and impressed with KB. I said "I don't know where he learnt that from, he's certainly never seen me with a broom!". Which basically sounded like "As if I would deign to do that". 

What I meant was 'I'm really shit and I never clean', but sheesh, why do I have to sound like such a dipshit?

I don't mean to make people feel bad, but I think I might. 

I've gotta work on that. 

Assorted dreams

The other night I dreamt that Appleheart and I were walking around London together and stumbled into a film set with Colin Firth and Helen Mirren. It was kind of like John Le Carre spy thriller meets Raiders of the Lost Arc. Cool. 

I think I saw disgraced wellness blogger Belle Gibson at Northcote pool the other day. She seemed to be having a nice time, despite being disgraced. She must get recognised a fair bit. That would be shit. But she didn't have to bullshit everybody. That was her call.

I think I've been mispronouncing Mandarin my whole life. I say  Mandareen. But there is no 'e' at the end. I think I'm fucking it up!

My tram is being closely followed by another tram. My tram is making a valiant effort to be  efficient by only stopping at the stops that people want to alight at. Prospective passengers can get on the next one. But people want to get off at every stop. It's an impossible dream and I think I can feel the tram drivers heart sink a little every time someone pulls the cord. So to speak. New trams don't have cords. Just buttons. 

Thought(s) if the day

1. Contrary to K's high-tech image yesterday I think summer is at its finest when it gives us warm days and overnight minimums in the teens. 

2. Would you talk to someone you vaguely knew at high school when you saw them 20 years later and your acquaintance was so meagre you couldn't even remember their name? 'Cause I wouldn't. 

3. TGIF. 

Things I've been digging

Everybody loves good stuff right? I know I do! So here's some things I've been enjoying lately in the style K likes to do it.

Watching 
Fresh Meat. Last night LB and I finished watching Fresh Meat. It's a British show on Netflix that ran for fours seasons, finished last year and is highly enjoyable. It's got everything you'd want from a British sitcom. Dorky humour. Infantile humour. The two cornerstones of British comedy! It's about these uni students living in a share house in Manchester and each is both awful and loveable. And every episode I would laugh at loud, usually on more than one occasion. Out loud! That is something that doesn't happen everyday. Ha. I mean I laugh out loud every day. Probably hundreds of times but not at the TV. That is something special.

Listening to
Missing Richard Simmons. The other day I started listening to this new podcast mainly because it was at the top of the podcast charts, but also because it seems quite interesting. Did you know that in 2014 exercise entrepeneur Richard Simmons suddenly stopped teaching his exercise class, stopped all public appearances and stopped speaking to his friends. No me neither. I just thought his schtick was too 80s-90s and no one cared about him any more. But apparently he just dropped out of life and this podcast is trying to find out why. I don't know how far they'll get but the first two episodes were very enjoyable and I'm regretting not being 6 months behind like I usually am which allows me to binge listen/watch things. This way I need to wait for weekly instalments. Ugh. It is like living in the 90s.

Doing
Being at the pool. Yesterday I went their twice. Once in the morning with Pickle and Baby Pickle and then in the evening with my boyfriend and my babies and a picnic basket packed with a ploughman's lunch for dinner. Yeah boyyyyeeeeee! I know how to live! Summertime!!!! WOOOOOOOO!

2016 reflections. Again.

Well, here we are! The end of 2016. I can barely believe it! In the grand tradition of Miss Soft Crab round-ups K and I got together to have a little chat about things. There were things I wish I'd mentioned, like how a highlight of the year was our new once-a-day, daily post format which, I don't know about you but I am sure enjoying. And the new iOS update which has finally included a croissant and a pile of pancakes in the emojis. Anyway, here's what K and I thought of the last 51 weeks.

 ‪J: Yeah 2016! How was it for you?

 ‪K: You know, it was pretty great.

 ‪J: GREAT! What did you like about it? 
‪K: Well, personally, I liked settling in to being KB's mum. And I liked hanging out with KB and watch him become cuter and cuter. ‪I liked going back to work and therefore being able to read books again.

  ‪J: Yeah I was thinking about how at the start of this year you had a six-month-old baby and by the end of the year you have a nearly 18-month-old toddler and how different those two things are.

 ‪K: Fully different. ‪And you went from being a mother of sons to being a mother of sons AND WHOOPSIE!

 ‪I also liked how it was a year of serious things. All the deaths. Brexit. Trump. It's a year  to remember.

 ‪J: Oh yeah. Seriously what a year! I had a baby. And all that totally crazy shit happened. Basically if you had asked me what this year would hold ‪I could not have predicted any of that shit. From a new baby to the Trump presidency I'm basically still having difficulty believing any of it. 


‪K: Yeah. The shit has been pretty unbelievable. I know we still have a week or so to go, but I'm just glad QEII is still here.

 ‪J: I've been really worried about her, what with 2016 being so full of unbelievable shit. Mate, as much as I've loved QEII and her monochrome for a long time now, I feel so much closer to her after watching The Crown. Let's just hope we can escape this year without any more celebrityy deaths. 

 ‪When Bob Dylan won the Nobel Prize for Literature LB and I were saying if you came into the news report half way through you would have thought he was dead too. God forbid.

  K: ‪Totally. It was really a strange year. Kind of doomy. ‪And the weather has been a bit shit. ‪But personally it's been nice, so what are you gonna do?

 J: ‪Yeah. It was a totally strange year. I was basically pregnant from the beginning until Whoopsie was born in October and I was highly emotional for that entire time. Which really added to the weirdness for me. Like I was so emotional when Leonardo FINALLY won his Oscar. But I was so emotional for that entire awards ceremony. I basically cried at every standing ovation.

K: ‪Oh man, that victory was one for the ages. Leonardo Di Goddamned Caprio. What a proper movie star he is.

J: ‪You said it!  

K: Speaking of movies, one of the things I enjoyed about this year was discovering a film review podcast called Kermode and Mayo. It's a couple of blokes mucking around telling jokes and talking about movies. I think Fassbender is going to be on it next week.


 ‪J: Oh I see. 

Well that sounds cool. I may listen to it. I've enjoyed listening to Lena Dunham's podcast this year and working through my complicated feelings about her. Recently I listened to a few podcasts about Buffy, just people talking about Buffy episodes and stuff. It was pretty enjoyable.
 ‪
K: I've been enjoying the Lena Dunham podcast too. Did you listen to that one with her dad? I really liked that one.
J: I did listen to that one and I also enjoyed it a lot. I liked her dad. Readers, go listen to that show.

 ‪K: Please do readers.


‪J: And how about TV? Obviously I loved The Crown. Also of course Stranger Things. I mean just the stuff everyone talked about already. 

 In truth this year was so intense I feel like I have nothing new to say about any of it.

 

K: ‪Yep, I liked that stuff. And I liked Hard Quiz because I love a quiz and this was a delightful spazz one. 

J: ‪I like that too. But you know who really loves that show? Baby! He loves it. HARD!  

K: Ha! ‪That's adorbs. 

J: ‪Sometimes we play it at the dinner table. And when I told him I saw Tom Gleeson at Ikea the other day he was so impressed! 


K: ‪That's super adorbs. ‪
I saw one of the couples from Gogglebox at the market the other day and that was very exciting. ‪
J: HAHAHA. Gogglebox!
‪
K: ...now we are chatting about the year and i'm thinking about how intense it was I guess I'm realising that it's set a lot in motion. But I don't want to be a downer.



J: ‪Look, if we wanted to talk seriously this year we'd be here for ever. I mean fucking TRUMP?!

Aaaaaaahhhh, that's better 

K: You said it. 2016 involved a lot of emotions, a lot of humongous events and some rubbish weather. Any hopes and dreams for 2017?

 
J: ‪Geez, what a great question. What do you base your answer on?! Well I guess I want to enjoy it. Personally I'd like to organise my time so I can write and exercise instead of just thinking about doing those things. I'm super excited to see who Whoopsie starts becoming. Obviously I love seeing Baby and Newbie grow but Whoopsie is a brand new slate, you know. And I think by the end of next year I'd like to have some professional developments. So yeah, I guess I have a bunch of hopes and dreams. How about you?
‪K: You've given me some great hope and dream ideas for 2017 just now!

 ‪I'd like to write and exercise more too. And I'd like to go overseas again before we have to start paying for a seat for KB. ‪I'd like to read more. And I would like to have a conversation with you, mate, about us starting a sing club which some people might call a choir but I'd prefer to call sing club 

J:  ‪Yeah sing club! Let's do it! And let's have more conversations! ‪
K: Yeah!


Have a great summer everyone. We'll be back in about a month. Woot!

Thought of the day

If I were taller would I feel more like a grown up? More of a question than a classic 'thought of the day' but that's what I'm thinking about. 

Bad dreams (AM)

We all know that listening to other people recount their dreams is pretty much the most boring thing ever. But, I've had two doozies in the past week and I feel the need to share. Let's hope reading about dreams is less boring.

In the first dream, I was hanging out with J and having a great time. We were playing with KB and all was well. Then j said "hey, where's Newbie?", only she wasn't talking about the real Newbie, she was talking about the baby I had after KB, also called Newbie. Holy shit! Where the fudge was Newbie? I frantically ran around trying to find him while harbouring a considerable sense of unease. Then I stopped and in the dream thought "hang on a second...I'm pretty sure I only have one baby" and told J the same. She said "oh yeah!" and we both leaghed and laughed. 

THE END

Last nights dream was weirder. The guy from In the thick of it, who is also Dr Who, turned up at my front door. 

He said Appleheart had to go away for work and was going to be gone a while. He was there to be my stand in boyfriend. It seemed very fishy to me and I didn't want to let him in the house. I told him we were about to go for a walk and we should come back later but he was hanging around like a bad smell. He also seemed to be holding something in his hand which was bothering me, as was his unnaturally relaxed and friendly attitude. I mean, you've all seen In the thick of it right? Anyway, I grabbed the thing out of his hand and it was a giant syringe with the label "Fungus" on the side. I told him to make like a tree and get the hell out of here. 

THE END

Bad news week (AM)

Happy Monday guys!

It's K's first day back at work I think and I hope it's gonna be great. I have to say, the joys of adult contact and demands on your brain besides what's for dinner and how you can occupy an entire day for you and a baby are great nourishment after maternity leave. Not that spending bulk time with your baby isn't the best, it's just so exciting when you get to diversify.

I had a pretty nice weekend I have to say. My house is super clean, full of flowers, clean sheets on all the beds. I saw friends and family. Made a surprisingly delicious napoli on Saturday night, shakshuka and a French apple cake for my family for Sunday brunch. Before that my kids slept in really late and I got to enjoy coffee and the internet all by myself!  I did heaps of washing. I feel pretty great.

Or I would if the fucking news wasn't so depressing at every turn. Two black men shot by cops for basically no reason in the US. Cops shot in retaliation. And local news isn't any better, babies being sexually assaulted, women being murdered, the existence of Cory Bernadi.

Are you in constant internal conflict about how much you should be engaging with the world. Certainly I don't want to be oblivious to the problems of the world. And yet, I kind of wish I didn't know how fucked it was. Because for me it's not, so I could just go on thinking about French apple cake and forgetting all the bad stuff. But then I'd just be an ignorant douche bag. There's the rub, the old catch 22. God, it's so hard being white and privileged!

Maybe it's just hormonal. A few weeks ago I realised that every night I was going to bed with a smile on my face. Like I just love the comfort of bed and sleep so much that was all it took to make me happy and it's not like the world was any better then, surely. So what's happened. Maybe it's my attitude. Or maybe the world was just going on in its usual fucked up way but without so many terrible things in the news? 

Maybe I just need to take a leaf out of Kimmy Schmidt's book, that positive outlook and denial of the bad. It's like she says, "I don't wanna get pissed off, so I get pissed on!" Maybe I just need to look at the world like that?!

Remembering stuff (AM)

I have memories in my brain that seem so improbable I sometimes wonder if they are real. Like once K and I were at the pub for a friend's 21st and this guy we had just met who seemed like a bit of a dick went to the supermarket to get a snack and came back eating a capsicum. Just chomping on a capsicum like it is was an apple. Really?! I mean that guy was just a bit of a dick and I guess he liked eating capsicum. It happened. But really?!

Another time K and I were hanging out on the roof of my old apartment building one night and the moon just appeared to fall out of the sky behind the horizon. We both saw it, we weren't high and we don't know what the eff happened. But it happened.

And once when LB and I were on holiday in Japan, at the end of a day at Ueno zoo we saw a huge bird waddle out of a little house in an enclosure, eat some food and waddle back with the zoo keeper as if they were best buds.

This is a picture I stole off the internet but it totally represents what I saw that day

Despite Tokyo being full of tourists the signs at the zoo were mainly in Japanese with just random ones being translated into English. And because it was right at the end of our trip to Japan and at the end of our day at the zoo I couldn't take any photos because my memory card was full. That zoo has a really amazing array of animals and a fantastic bird collection including puffins and flamingos and vultures. But the enclosures are pretty depressing for the most part and the day was somewhat conflicted. And then right at the end we walked past an enclosure with no idea what was meant to be in there and that's when the zoo keeper emerged with his grey, feathered friend that was about three quarters his height.

The way that the bird and man emerged together and the funny waddle of the bird made him seem so human somehow. Or rather, like an anthropomorphised cartoon bird. Even at the time I remember wondering what the fuck I was watching and if that bird wasn't a guy in a suit. If that bird was for real. For years I actually did kind of question the experience and then one day I found out what that bird was. I don't know if LB somehow knew or I saw a picture or maybe I did a search on birds at Ueno zoo, but one day I just knew that what I'd seen was a shoebill.

Here are some pictures I found on the internet. When I saw them I knew that even the cartoonishness of the bird in my memory was legit.

Guys, doesn't nature just blow your mind?! I mean look at that face! If you have never seen one of these in real life I can not recommend a trip to Tokyo highly enough.

Mothers' Day (AM)

Yesterday was Mother's Day. Like I need to tell you guys. Social media was wall to wall with Mother's Day tributes. It's one of those days like that I've always thought is a bit silly, like valentines' day and the stupid public holiday for the horse race. My mum has never made a big deal out of it. She's a 'give me a card and a cuddle and that's all I need' kind of girl. Which, apart from the card, is her approach to every day. I guess the implication was that treating her kindly every day was more important than pampering her on Mother's Day . But now KB is here and I am fo shizle a mother myself. Accordingly, I spent about 3 seconds wondering whether my feelings about Mother's Day were different to my mother's. The culture certainly seems to think they should be. This notion of pampering the mother's is quite pervasive. During one of my trips to Northland last week I noticed that lots of shops had 'treat your mum!' displays in the window, often including bathrobes, which I think is very insensitive because who gets to sleep when they're a mother? Of course, the idea of being treated super special like is quite appealing. And now that KB is here I better understand how much work my mum and grandma did when we were growing up, and how much my pals have been doing for years now, and how they do so without complaining by and large. I think it's good and proper to acknowledge that, and to say that it's a super example and how I aspire to be myself.  But we have the reward of these babies that we love which has to be said, is pretty shit-hot and quite a bit better and more rewarding than a bathrobe. And more broadly, if a lady feels like she is working her guts out and needs a bit of acknowledgement, she should be able to get hers whatever day it is, not just wait for a special designated day. Ditto daddios. So I guess my Mother's Day personality is just like my mums. Happy 9th of May everyone!

Harry Potter™ (AM)

I wonder if a time will ever come when I stop writing about Harry Potter. Seems pretty unlikely if I'm being honest. Right now I'm rereading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

What with Baby constantly listening  to Stephen Fry reading Harry Potter and the Philisopher's Stone and asking questions about Harry's future it was inevitable I reread it sometime. When I first read Deathly Hallows I was pretty blown away with how good it was. I love the Harry Potter books, FYI and in case you hadn't noticed, but that last book was just something else. In fact I'd go so far as to say it is near perfect in terms of a series-ending book. The perfect amount of laughter and tears, twists and turns. An intricacy of detail that pulls together pretty perfectly. The answers to questions without excessive exposition. Ending a series has surely got to be the hardest thing to do. You have this invested audience that wants a happy ending but a realistic one, an ending that fits the preceding episodes. When I read Deathly Hallows I felt JK really nailed the shit out of it. And rereading it, I have to say I was right the first time. This book effing rules. In fact it's probably even better because knowing what happens gives new depth to what you're reading. 

Anyway here I am deep in Harry Potter™ world when I was looking at instagram last night and saw Mindy Kaling was at the opening of Harry Potter™World at Universal Studios. My first thought was that I should get on a plane to LA. It would be great to visit Mondonna. And then Harry Potter™ World. Apparently you can buy butterbeer there. I've always imagined it tasted like a wonderful mix of butter menthols and beer but with a warming quality, like when you add a little ginger wine to your beer. And I read on the Universal  website that Harry Potter™ World lets you "Explore the mysteries of Hogwarts™ castle, visit the shops of Hogsmeade™ and sample fare from some of the wizarding world’s best-known establishments. Plus experience pulse-pounding rides and attractions that transport you into a world of magical thrills and excitement." Sounds pretty good right? Though when I thought about "experiencing the fare of the wizarding worlds best known establishments," I thought of all the food I'd ever eaten at theme parks and realised I wouldn't be getting no gourmet meal prepared by house elves and it started to cast a pall on the whole idea of Harry Potter™ World. But only just. I still want to go. And I'm dreading finishing deathly Hallows because then what? Universal Studios here I come I guess. 

The summer list (PM)

Yeah! Who doesn't love a summer list?! I know I do! Because: a) it gives me pause to reflect about things, which I don't do much; and b) it gives me some hot tips about things I should be doing.

So what have I been doing this summer? Mmmmm...

Making: Icy poles. Or as the Americans call them, popsicles. I love to make ice-cream, but who has the time!? I also love to eat it. You know who else loves to? My kids. They're freakin' coo-coo for the stuff. They love it out of a bowl, they love it on a stick. And who am I to stop them from enjoying one of life's greatest gifts. But you know, I don't want them or me to get fat or unhealthy so I basically blend up some fruit (berries! bananas! mango!) with something creamy (yoghurt! coconut milk!) and freeze it in a popsicle tray. Da bomb!

Cooking: I don't know. Not vegetti, that's for sure. I can't say I'm in a great cooking zone but I guess on the best days whatever I'm cooking includes coconut milk. Soup! Curry! Rice! Just add coconut milk. I flipping love that stuff.

Reading: I'm pretty busy during the day and tired at night so I don't read as much as I'd like to but at the moment I'm reading and really enjoying A Spool of Blue Thread by Anne Tyler. You know one night I was lying in bed thinking "I wish I could read The Accidental Tourist for the first time. I really feel like reading that." And you know Anne Tyler wrote that. And the next day I walked into the bookshop and the first book I saw was A Spool of Blue Thread and it seemed like a total sign.

Listening to: Not much, mainly if there is silence I like to enjoy it not fill it.

Thinking: About all the boring things on my to-do list that have been there for months and don't seem to be going anywhere.

Wanting: A personal assistant to complete my to-do list.

Enjoying: Not travelling to my office job in Clayton. But more specifically today the Oscars coverage on my Instagram feed.

Needing: A cleaner to complement my imaginary personal assistant.

Feeling: Fine, thanks for asking.

New questions (AM)

I guess you think you know me pretty well after all these years. And you probably do. I love autumn and spring, I think of little aside from what I'm going to wear, what I should do with my hair and where have all the good hunks gone. If that is how you see me you have a pretty accurate picture. But lately something else has been creeping in and has taken a hold of my mind almost as strongly as my hair. It's the question of getting a cleaner. This is a conversation I have with various people at least once a week and if I'm going to be honest with you it's time you knew.

Until about a year ago I thought that getting a cleaner was something reserved for people that have really made it. Once you have the disposable income to spend on a cleaner you really have to be sitting pretty. But as Newbie grew into the kind of toddler that pulls everything from a shelf and then drops it one metre away the cleaning demanded for my house pretty much got beyond me. Now, I'm not saying it's his fault. No way. I'm just saying that keeping up with all the stuff he pulls off the shelf on top of washing clothes for four people, cleaning the kitchen after two or three meals a day and just general clean-keeping is really hard. Just keeping the house in a pleasant state is hard enough but how do you do things like clean the bathroom, do the gardening, dust the records? (Not a rhetorical question, seriously, how?!)

And I'm not saying I'm special, I talk to people with one child or no children and everyone is wondering the same thing, "Can I justify a cleaner"? I felt pretty inspired the other day when I was visiting a friend who lives with her 5-year-old son in a tiny one-bedroom bungalow and she told me that about once a month she gets a cleaner to come in and just give the place a really good once-over. I think this may be the answer for me but why haven't I done it. What is holding me back? Do I hate myself? Why can't I let myself be happy?!

If you need a more classic Miss Soft Crab conundrum here you go:

Do you think I should buy this jumpsuit? I kind of love it but perhaps I'm having a 4/10-life crisis.

Sounds like my Sunday night (AM)

Last night I started writing about dogs. But it ended up really just being about the part of my soul I lost when Doggy died and I am pretty sure no one wants to start their week off reading about the death of a dog or the attendant heartache. I mean we have all week for the melancholy to grow, let's try and start  off positive.

The crazy thing is, I watched Ted last night and if that can't elicit a positive post, what hope is there.

I couldn't stop thinking about where the story goes in Ted 2 and how Amanda Seyfried is the female lead instead of Mila Kunis and how I hope that doesn't mean that the Marky Mark and Mila Kunis characters have broken up. I mean the whole point of Ted is their personal growth and eventual marriage. This in turn led me to question why I'm such a square and whether I'm too resistant to change. But that's what movies often ask of us, to invest everything into a relationship, you can't just trash that relationship for the sake of a sequel. Plus I quite like Mila Kunis and I can't say the same for Seyfried.

Apparently Mila Kunis was too busy being a mother to her baby, Wyatt, to be in Ted 2. Yep, she's at home with baby girl. Her baby girl called Wyatt. Oh, Wyatt isn't a girl's name you say? Moreover, it's fucking ugly. I know! Wyatt makes Apple look like a great name. Seriously, Hollywood. What are you doing to your children?!?! Anyway I wish I didn't know about baby Wyatt, it really is making me rethink my feelings for Kunis.

Ugh, this attempt at a positive start to the week didn't work at all. Off you go. I release you from this post.

Questions from the boarding lounge (PM) (or The questions of a tired woman sitting in a dining room)

Why does the garden always get so full of shit? Will it ever get clean and stay clean? I wonder how long K had to sit in that boarding lounge for? Was her plane late? At least she is going to Hobart, I love Hobart. I wonder when I can go to Hobart again? Why am I so tired after Baby's swimming lesson? It wasn't my swimming lesson. Does 45 minutes in the pool with Newbie justify my exhaustion? I wonder how long I can let Baby watch TV without feeling bad about my parenting? Why doesssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

Questions from the boarding lounge (AM)

Do planes have a reverse gear? Do they have a gear stick? What happens if they overshoot the turn into the gate, and have to back up so they can straighten up a little? 

Do people who have loud personal phone conversations on their mobile phones annoy everybody else as much as they annoy me? Everyone else seems so fine with it. I'm not fine with it. I want to rip the phone out of this person's hand and turn it off. If only it was one of those flip phones from back in the day. Then my gesture would mean something. But as it stands, there's no drama in turning a Samsung Galaxy off.

Plus, do I really want to do that? No. I don't. I don't want to upset the lady. I just want her to shut up.

Will this plane ever come?

Do you get snacks on Virgin now?

I love Hobart.

(That last one isn't a question, just a thought I have a lot.)

Just some things I thought about (AM)

It is the day before the Easter long weekend AND it is two days before Passover AND it is one day after Chickpea's birthday AND it is two weeks before Miss Soft Crab turns FOUR! This means that I am a combination of tired, spent, lazy and nostalgic.

When Miss Soft Crab was born K and I used to worry that the blog needed a more clear focus, or any focus, and I remember someone, maybe KJ, saying in the early days that we seemed to talk a lot about best things and maybe that's what the blog should be about if we wanted to have a theme. Turns out we didn't really want a theme. Plus there was no getting around the fact that sometimes you also need to talk about shit things. And mostly we just wanted to talk about hunks and food and clothes, which we have successfully done for the last four years. I do sometimes wonder what happened to our enthusiasm though, best things are not visited as much these days. Who knows why.

You know what I ate yesterday, though? Nutella. I bought some to put on a cake I was making for Chickpea and do you know what? That shit is an absolute best thing. It is absolutely as delicious as you think it is. I know why I never buy it, but lordy, it made me wonder why I never buy it!

A little while ago I started writing a list of best things on my phone, it includes such undeniable best things as "hot chips with vinegar" and "a baby falling asleep in your arms", I'll probably add Nutella after I get off this computer.

There were other things I was thinking about too but now I'm just thinking about Nutella and how much I want to go and eat some. Which is exactly what I'm going to go do. Have a great weekend y'all! 

Thinking 'bout summer (AM)

I'm hanging for summer so hard that when I saw this picture of a humpback whale in a book about whale watching it made me think of summer fashions. I know it's fucked up. But the white! The stripes! The blubber. That's totally how I see myself this summer. Ha! That bit about the blubber was a joke but the rest is for reals. I guess the sea and sun help too. 

I think I need a practical project. All this full time mothering is not enough to distract me from thinking about clothes all the time. And I'm thinking a lot about what I'll be wearing when the weather gets warmer. Mostly I imagine myself looking like Jennifer Conelly in this Vogue photo shoot from a few years ago. 

In the spread she's in lots of white and navy and hanging out on a yacht. Truth be told, ever since that issue of Vogue came out I imagined myself like this for the summer but weirdly it's never quite come to fruition. Maybe I need a yacht. 

But all this fanaticising about summer barely makes sense. I'm not even that sick of winter. This winter has been so mild and while there have been some cold-ass days and some rainy motherucking days there's also been some sunshine and I've barely used the umbrella I bought a month or 2 ago. Which makes me kind of sad because it's gold. But I think it's the winter sunshine that makes me miss summer more. Or at least the clothes. Because you still gotta rug up and I think that's what the problem is for me. Usually I've got a baby strapped to me. At some point during the day I have to manoeuvre a breast out from my layers with some measure of discretion and frankly the idea of less bulk in my clothes is calling to me like the sweet song of the whales and their great summer fashions. 

But hey! K is in summer right now! Is it as good as I imagine, Mate?