TGIF

I returned to work on Wednesday.
What a dumb idea!

Don't get me wrong. I'm very grateful that I have a job and I know that lots of people are not as lucky as I am and I am definitely not complaining about my general good fortune. But really, you would have to be straight up crazy to think that this is better than being in NYC. Apart from the fact that it's really warm in my office all the time (which is fantastic), I can't see what it has to offer that is better than, say, this.

Plus, I had forgotten how much whinging happens at work. I know this may seem like a strange observation, given that I am devoting a whole blog post to whinging. But seriously, I look like a total pollyanna compared to these people. Let me give you an example.

On Mondays and Wednesdays, we are provided with fresh fruit. It's really great actually. There is quite a lot of it, so people can take a few pieces and get to eat fruit every day of the week on the company dime. Awesome! But people still find things to complain about. I have seen people totally lose their shit if the fruit is late, like they can't possibly work under those conditions. Also, if there is a public holiday on the Monday and therefore there is no fruit delivery until Wednesday, some folks get really annoyed. Just bring your Tuesday fruit from home for pete's sake you losers. Am I right?

But the whinging reached new heights recently. The people who make decisions about the fruit decided to try a few new things. Celery and carrot sticks were added to the mix, as were small packets of nuts. You would think that people would be happy about the new choices, and most people were. But some folks just couldn't help themselves, and posted the following messages on the intranet noticeboard:

Subject: Fruit box
Posted by: Anonymous, 10/1/2011, 3:55pm
"Great idea for the fresh vegetables - but the nut mix needed more nuts - otherwise its a great idea and I vote for more of this."

Subject: Re: Fruit box
Posted by: Anonymous, 13/1/2011, 9:26am

"I really love the new additions to the fruit basket and agree with the more nuts in the nut selection."

Subject: Re: Fruit box
Posted by: Anonymous, 14/1/2011, 11:56am
"Personally I was happy with the base selection, I don't find the additional items change what I select."

Geez louise. NYC is so much better than this!
(But I am really lucky to have a job and don't want to the universe to get the wrong idea and cause me to lose my job. Universe, if you're listening, I really appreciate all that you have done for me! Thanks buddy!!)

NOTE: In February, the following anonymous post appeared on the intranet noticeboard:
"I was actually suprised that nuts were included as I had not seen any correspondence asking whether there were people with allergies in the office. I gather we have an epipen in our first aid kit? Maybe HR know this already, but as people open the nuts with the fruit it may mean that those with allergies are now unable to eat the fruit. Again I have no idea just thought the question should have been asked."

Now we don't get the nuts any more.

An email from Mum

Mum sent me the following hilarious email after she arrived home in Australia.

Hi Darling,
Thanks for phoning to say you had arrived in Mexico safely. I hope you have a great time in the beautiful temperature there.
Dad said to tell you that the 4 remaining in the dead cert* are still going as we all chose Collingwood. Dad is leading the footy tipping by 1 point on 51, you are on 45, Midbro is on 46 and I am on 41. We looked after Baby A yesterday for about 3 hours. She really has "matured" in the time we have been away, you will see a big difference.
No news to relate from here.
Speak to you soon.
"Have fun"
Love Mum xxx

ps...I watched a few more episodes of "the office" on the way home, if you have not already seen the double episode of the birth of the baby, make sure you watch it as I thought it was hysterical!!!
The 16year old guy sitting beside me made smelly windy bops** all the way from LA to Melbourne, gee I was glad to see the back of him.
(the " back of him" does not relate to where the smells were coming from, it was just a figure of speech), he also snored quite loudly which made me feel guilty for how I treated you***.
bye bye

* My Dad runs the footy tipping competition at his bowling club. Not satisfied with a regular comp, he created a parallel competition called the Dead Cert. In addition to choosing the 8 winning teams each round, participants in the Dead Cert comp must also choose a single team that they 100% for sure think will win that round. This is the dead cert. It's a sudden death comp, so if your dead cert loses, you're out. The four people left are my dad, my mum, my brother and me. I know.

**My Mum calls farts windy bops. No one knows why.

***My Mum is a snorer. But I didn't mind - I had ear plugs. She was so worried that her snoring was bothering me, and wouldn't listen when I told her it was no problem. Seriously Mum, it was fine. Better snores that windy bops!

Reflections on pigeon shit

A pigeon shat on me today. It was very surprising. It was also weird because just the other day I had been thinking about the fact that birds never shit on me. The reason I was thinking that was because in NYC, you can't walk five paces without seeing a pigeon or a sparrow. Looking at all these birdies everywhere made think about how lucky I have been, to avoid the falling shit of a bird. It would be so gross and embarrassing! I thought to myself. Boy am I a lucky girl! I also thought

It happened when I was walking down west 58th street, feeling good about myself for making the effort to go west side*. It took me a little while to realise what had happened. It hit me on my right shoulder, and splashed on to both my bag, (which I was carrying on my right shoulder) and my hand (which was holding the strap of my bag). As expected, it was gross and embarrassing. The grossest bit was the fact that it was really, really warm. I just had no idea that it would be that warm. It was also brown. Not brown and white, like you imagine bird shit to be. Just plain brown. Again, I had no idea it would be just brown.
I found the experience a little distressing, and as a result I inadvertently walked around the same block twice. But on the second trip, a car drove past with the song this song blaring and it really turned my mood around. I found a nice looking sushi place and bought all of this:

Now I'm back at the hotel, eating those jalapeno chips and watching the series finale of The Office.

I heart NY.

* I was also feeling good about myself because a man who was trying to sell me something in Central Park told me that I had the face of an actress. Even though he was trying to sell me something, I was feeling good because he kept it general, which allowed me to imagine that he meant this:

rather than:

In response and some other stuff

The only thing better than ending a day in NYC with a Marky Mark movie is ending it with The Office. If only you had been watching that show. I love that show. Not least because of this guy:


But just generally I think that show is really funny. Steve Carell is great and so is everyone in it really. Even though the first few times I saw it I was all, “Stupid American Office they don’t get English humour.” But it was me that didn’t get them. Don’t worry. I get it now. You see it's just that when I was in the US of A a few months ago we drank beer and watched that show all the time at the end of the day, so I imagine you doing that too. But you can watch whatever you like. That's cool.

But what's with the non sequitur when I could be talking about those Alexander McQueen dresses. Holy mother effing moly. They are so beautiful and awesome. I just really love the look of them a lot. I know that I really like clothes, but it sure is rare that something actually makes me feel things in the way those dresses did. They practically made me have a physical reaction. They made me think, if I ever got married maybe I'd ditch sequins and embrace lace. And antlers. And it made me think even less of Middleton's dress than I already did. Your post also got me thinking, sheesh, I know her parents aren't royalty but what a jib they have to stand behind a bollard. I mean, they are the parents of the bride! You think they'd get a better position that.