A new beginning

GET OUT OF TOWN!* We're back!!

Oh my god you guys! Can you believe we're back here?!?

You know, when Miss Soft Crab went on indefinite hiatus a couple of years ago we thought we may see you back here one day. As K said at the time, "I'm sure there will be things that happen to us, with us, to all of us, that we'll need to come here to discuss.  Maybe when we go to Jamface.  Maybe when you/we dye your/our hair blonde.  Definitely when QEII, well, you know." Thank god QEII has not, well, you know. And we never got to Jamface. And I haven't gone blonde. Although K kinda did. I think it's safe to say that we did not imagine that a global pandemic that was changing the way we all live was going to be the thing that ended this hiatus. But it is. 

I mean, these are crazy times. Today AWOL emailed to say he had pneumonia and not coronavirus as he at first suspected, and I responded "Great news!" I mean the guy has pneumonia FFS!

A lot of other unforeseeable things happened too. Casey Affleck, a much loved MSC hunk, seen below in our last post, was revealed as a sex pest :( Ewan McGregor left his wife for another woman, so did Jimmy Bartel. Let's just say the Miss Soft Crab hunks have disappointed us. But let's just hope that in these crazy times, we don't forget to appreciate hunks. I mean, I don't think any of us could have imagined the winning combo of Brad and Leo gracig our screens and basically all media non-stop for about three months last year. And I for one couldn't be happier about that development. 

Another MSC favourite, QEII, has had a lot going on too.  Prince Harry married Meghan Markle and essentially left the royal fold, and there's the whole Prince Andrew thing. Ugh. But I feel like she's really embracing these difficult time. I mean look at this amazing outfit. 

So, here we are. Yes, we're going to talk about this weird fucking thing that is going on in the world. But we're also going to talk about all the things you've come to love us for. Hunks! Clothes! Food! Our hair. And a bunch of other stuff we thought about. 

We're back. And it feels pretty bloody good!

*Obviously you can't actually get out of town

What a great day (PM)

There's a reason that dinner and a movie is the classic date night activity, because if you are going to woo someone you want to show them a real good time and these things are some of the best times. Food, movies, the possibility of choc tops, there's not a lot that can beat that.

I can't even remember the last time I had dinner and a movie with anyone so I guess I'm pretty pumped about tonight too.

K and I used to do all kinds of things we don't do any more, like eat Nandos and buy the Coles brand chocolate mud cake and drive around all night or sit in front of boys' houses in the car. Oh shit, I've said too much. Anyway, I guess it's pretty obvious why we don't do a lot of these things anymore. But the only excuse for not going to the movies is time. And priorities I guess. What a couple of losers.

Hooray for today though.

Life leassons (AM)

This weekend Pickle and I had a joint birthday party. It was a little early for me, but whaddya gonna do when you wanna share a party with someone? It was really fun. Thanks everyone!

The first time we shared a birthday party we used something like this image:

It was a great party, a great invite, and I felt like we cast ourselves perfectly as Laverne and Shirley. It was hard to think of who should represent us this year, but after some consideration I think we chose the perfect couple:

Then, not now that they hate each other. (What happened Gwyno?!) When we came up with the invite I was really happy with it and that day I had lunch with LB and his youngest sister. She is 15. I was telling them about the invite, giving Lil'Sis some background on the invites, mentioned we'd used a pic of Laverne and Shirley in the past. "Am I supposed to know who that is?" She asked. Fair 'nuff. I mean, reruns aren't what they used to be. Schemeel, schlemazel!

So, I moved on, started talking about Gwyno, about how they were BFFs until they busted up, about how Ben Affleck was dating Gwyneth and Matt Damon had been dating Wino. And I could see Lil'Sis's eyes glaze over and it started to occur to me she mightn't even know who Winona Rider was. And then she said something that, more than anything that has been said in the 10 years I have known her, highlighted the age difference. And you realise I have known her since she was 5. She said to me, "I always get Ben Affleck and Matt Damon and that other guy... who is that other guy?...Leonardo Dicaprio... I always get those guys confused."


!!!!!


?????


!!!!!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO! MATT DAMON! BEN AFFLECK! How could she? I mean, hello, has she seen Romeo and Juliet?!? To me it is almost unfathomable that, these men, hunks of my youth could be confused. And then, it occurred to me that to her these guys aren't hunks. Never have been. They are just some middle aged actors. She is just confusing a bunch of middle aged actors and I guess that makes perfect sense. I mean, she is a teenager. Oh lordy. And these aren't even hunks you would see me thinking twice about usually (though I do have a soft spot for Matt Damon. And I guess Leonardo has a certain je ne sais quoi. Also Ben Affleck looked handsome with that beard recently. But I digress) but they are just hunks I grew up with I guess and I have a very clear idea of them all. And now...well now I've just realised how finite things are. You know?! How we live in the past. We think we're teaching the kids, but really it's them that teach us.

I would post a picture of Taylor Lautner here in case any kids dropped by, but he is probably passe anyway.

Promising Combos (PM)

I wish I could share your muted enthusiasm for Admission Mate, but that poster with the giant heads and the superfluous tick in the 'o' makes it hard for me.
Sure, Paul Rudd and Tina Fey are a promising combo. And I like that Michael Sheen. Apparently he is in it too. But that poster. Eww.

Speaking of Mothers, it's my Mum's birthday today. Hooray! Happy birthday Mum.

The back of my Mum's head is so cute!

Promising combos (AM)

Remember that time I wrote about winning combos? Of course you do, no doubt the best of my posts are burned into your brain like the flash bulbs of photographers flashing at a starlet in a movie from the fifties. What? Anyway, you know what is great? When you get prepared for a combo you never expected and haven't seen in action yet. Like this combo of Tina Fey and Paul Rudd.

Of course everyone loves Tina Fey. I mean, Mean Girls, Saturday Night Live, that show she's in with Alec Baldwin. Jokies. 30 Rock. I love 30 Rock. And who doesn't love Paul Rudd? Ever since he played Cher's sensitive older stepbrother and love interest in Clueless, everyone loves him right? I always thought he should be in more stuff, maybe be a leading man, but then I saw I Love You Man an I thought maybe he couldn't carry a whole movie. Then I watched it again and think I must have been crazy that first time! Slappin da bass! Hahahahhaahah!


Anyway, I felt really happy to see that T.Fey and P.Rudd are in a movie together, but I know, in my heart of hearts, that it will probably be kind of lame. Mind you I did enjoy Date Night a lot, and that had the promising combo of T.Fey and Steve Carrell. But as discussed here previously and extensively, those filmmakers really knew what they were working with and used everyone to their full potential.




Anyway, fingers crossed for Admission,because when a promising combo becomes a winning combo it feels like all is right in the world.

Paradis lost (PM)

You know why you can't think of any more celebrity couples that you want to stay together, Mate? Because celebrity couples aren't worth a damn anymore. Not only can you not have any faith in them these days but the overall calibre sucks.

Celebrity couples. I feel almost nothing for them now.

I mean Brangelina! Puh-lease! Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee were more appealing than those two. Miley Cyrus and Thor's little brother? I don't even know who they are! Who could ever give a shit about those couples. Celebrity couples used to mean something. But not anymore. 

Sure, I hope Beyonce and Jay-Z stay together too. And Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger too, I mean they seem adorable. 

And I would want these guys to stay together too if I thought they were a real couple. 

And if I thought there was any chance. K-Stew is 22 for god's sake. Sure, that's practically how old I was when LB and I started going out, but we got together in Collingwood, not Hollywood. 

HEY! I just thought of one! 

Adorable Spaniards

And probably if David Bowie and Iman break-up I couldn't even say 'celebrity couple' again.

To conclude, I think that, yes, you should go and talk to a hairdresser about getting that Michelle Williams hair cut and colour. You've been talking about a transition like this a lot.

Go do.

Paradis lost (AM)

You guys! The internet tells me that Jonny Depp and Vanessa Paradis just broke up!

Quel dommage!

I really liked those guys as a couple. 

Look how adorable Vanessa is. 

Jonny's a fool, letting that one go. I guess they have their reasons. 

But gee, it just goes to show that if you are a person who wants to mate for life, you should try hard not to be a celebrity. Those dudes never stay together! 

There is a  tres petit part of my heart that I keep aside for celebrity couples that I want to work out. Or should I say, there's a tiny shred  of a tres petit part of my heart that I keep aside for celebrity couples I want to work out - what's left after my all-time favourite celebrity couple broke up. 

RIP Heath and Michelle as a couple. And Heath, for real. 

Other couples I have liked that are no longer together:

Brad and Janet. I mean Tim and Susan. 

Spicoli and Princess Buttercup. I mean Sean Penn and Robin Wright.

Actually, that's about it. But there are a bunch of other couples I want to stay together!

Like these guys. 

And these adorable lovebirds:

Experience tells me that these guys won't work out either. There are others too, but I can't think of them think I should leave some for J. 

See you in the PM, crab fans.
PS: This is Michelle Williams in Take This Waltz. 

More importantly, this is her hair.
That hair is cute, right? Could I pull that off? I'm talking colour too. 

Further Winning Combos (PM)

You had me at Fassbender and Mortensen (and Cassel).
 
Speaking of winning sandwich combos, how about toasted cheese and tomato?! One of the all time best combos. Man, I could murder one of those right now!

And I bet a cheese and tomato toastie would go a treat with that Black and Brew.I want to try that so bad! Seriously Samuel Adams people, send that our way.

Further winning combos (AM)

Who remembers when J posted about winning combos last year?( don't worry guys, its right here on the internet if you don't remember.)
Basically, her post was about things that are awesome on their own, but become super special when combined with other awesome things. 

Yesterday, my cousin I-Mac brought to my attention a little something that has the potential to be more winning than all the other combos heretofore discussed on Miss Soft Crab, and some as yet undiscussed combos, such as the on-screen pairing of Michael Fassbender and Viggo Mortensen.*

Say hello to Black and Brew- a combination of coffee and stout.

That's right readers, the stimulating deliciousness of coffee with the creamy deliciousness of stout, brewed together for your enjoyment.

I don't know about you guys, but as far as I'm concerned,
Mind = blown.

Please, people of the Samuel Adams brewing company, send this product to Australia. We will love it so hard, just you wait and see.























*Vincent Cassel is in this movie too. I know.

Winning combos (AM)

You know what I love? Things that are great and then get even better when paired with another great thing. You know what I mean. Winning combinations. I'm not talking about those things you always think of together, like Joel and Ethan Cohen or salt and vinegar, I mean those things you think of as awesome in their own right but then when paired with something else awesome you think SHAZAM! Winning combo!

Here are some of my favourites combos:

Grated carrot and grated cheese. Now both of these things I love on there own and in all sorts of combinations but when you put these babies together magic happens. I am not talking about carrot and cheese any old way, I am talking about grated carrot and grated cheese. In a sandwich, in a wrap, in a taco, I don't care how you have it but when you put these grated guys together and those long thin strips start to mingle and tangle, oh yeah baby, they get together in loving harmony and it is a goddamn taste and texture sensation. I'm talking juicy, crunchy, creamy, salty, sweet. It's fucking beautiful.

You know what else I love? Blue and red together. These are two of my favourite colours. Look, I pretty much love all the colours when they are done right, but blue and red are really up there for me. Blue especially, it speaks to me. And I think all shades look good with red. Navy, pale, bright. But bright blue and bright red I love above all the combos. It is so fresh on my eyes. I effing love it.

Once I started thinking about winning combos I started seeing them everywhere. Like, I love David Bowie. Heaps. Who doesn't right? And I am digging on Queen more and more. Sure maybe it's because of this documentary that was on TV recently but maybe it's because of all those killer tracks.

I also kind of love Freddie Mercury. When else but in the olden days could a man with such a massive overbite become a super star. And when are these two powerhouses of Bowie and Queen finer than in Under Pressure.* Winning combo. My ears thank you!



*Maybe they have finer moments, I mean how good is Bowie? How do you chose a best track? But this one is such a good one.