Monday, October 31, 2011

Essential Details of the Chutney Club Spring Session (PM)

Chutney Club was really great yesterday. Of course there was all the usual deliciousness. But it is very exciting to me how chutney club has expanded into more of a Bulk Delicious Food Club. Yes, There was a chutney yesterday, but there was so much more than that. The chutney, dips, pickles, grapes, et al.

And then there was the banana tarte tartin. A pastry covered in caramelly brown bananas. Small Wonders is the unofficial (pretty official actually, insofar as if she did not bring sweet treats there would be a CC uprising) pastry chef of the club. Girlfriend did not disappoint yesterday. I would show you a picture of it but I didn’t take one because I was basically glued to my seat waiting for that baby to be cut up and put in my mouth. My camera and phone were not around so through my salivating mouth I said to K, “You. Arrrgh drool. Photo. Drool drool. Must take. Arggghh, slurp drool.” Then I pretty much went on muttered things like “Oh geez. Oh man. That looks so good. I want it in my mouth,” until I got it in my mouth. I have no idea what else was going on at the time because I did not take my eyes of that bad boy.  And my ears were shut down. But I’m pretty sure we were all feeling the same way.

Here is an approximation of what it looked like.


Although I believe it came from this recipe.

Um have you people eaten banana tarte tartin? No? Well what the hell are you still doing here? Bananas have totally dropped in price go and make this and put it in your mouth!

Essential Details of the Chutney Club Spring Session

Yesterday, the Chutney Club held its Spring meeting.
Folks got pretty creative.
Here's the wrap up. Chutney by Chutney.

Harissa, by Biz*.
Biz always manage to make their chutneys look as pretty as they taste. They served this delicious harissa atop potato tortilla and finished the whole thing off with some roasted eggplant.

Sourdough starter by Miguel and Legsley
M + L  came up with a genius idea to make a sourdough starter, instead of chutney. Because what's the one thing you need when you have a lot of chutney? Stuff to put it on, stuff like bread. Miguel used the starter to make a sample loaf which was delicious, so delicious that I forgot to take a photo of it. D'oh! (Get it? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
Anyway, they gave us all a bottle of sourdough starter, so we can make our own delicious bread. They included instructions so we can keep the starter active. So helpful.
Stay alive, little guy.


Tomato and Chilli chutney, by Biggie Little
As previously noted, Biggie Little makes a very fine chilli chutney. He is like a chilli whisperer. This time, he made chilli and tomato chut, a dead set classic. He served it with sausages and I hope you are all impressed that I managed to take a photo when he was putting this in my face.

Pickled grapes, by J
J made delicious pickled grapes that were lovely and fragrant and taste good with cheeses. She also made rosemary and sea salt flat bread that, unsurprisingly, was also delicious. You can see her whole spread to the left of the red wine in the picture below.
Brussels Sprout Sauerkraut by David and Welly
I love brussels sprouts. Always have. I don't understand why they have a terrible reputation. And I don't understand why I have never had them as sauerkraut before, because they were so lovely. Here is what they look like in a big jar with a plate on top of them.
And here is what they look like on top of a sausage, coming right for you.

Babaganoush, by me
I made babaganoush. I know babaganoush isn't chutney, but it is delicious, and I thought we could all use some this delightful Melbourne Cup long weekend. I served it with fresh chapattis that I made, but forgot to take pictures of. Instead, here is a picture of a really big tomato I grew one summer.
While that covers all of the 'chutneys', there was one other extremely special thing that we ate. It was so good that I think it deserves its own post, and I have a pretty good feeling that J might take care of that for us this arvo.

Stay tuned to MSC!


*Check out our new Who's Who page for a handy guide to the Miss Soft Crab cast of characters.

Friday, October 28, 2011

What I have loved this week (PM)

For me, the most hilarious thing about that clip is the thought of you and Russeth loving on it so much because it's such a romantic dick joke. Ha! You sentimental fools. But yes, it is super hilarious.

The thing I loved most this week was dinner at DOC with Bumblebee.
On my way there, Bee texted me to say "do you like prosecco?" and I thought geez lady, have we met? But then I just got excited about what a fun night it was going to be. 

I wish I had some photos to share but I was having such a nice time I forgot to take any. I am growing to realise that my ability to document a meal for future Miss Soft Crab posts declines in direct proportion to the deliciousness of the food and the awesomeness of the company.
And readers, shit does not get much more delicious than:
  • fior de latte with white anchovies and shaved fennel
  • porcini and truffle oil pizza
  • egg, pancetta and mozarella pizza ( like carbonara, but on a pizza!!!)
I am high fiving myself right now for having eaten that meal. Bee came up with this great idea that we should have the meal in three waves so we wouldn't eat too quickly and the pizza would remain fresh. It was a genius idea and I can recommend it to all of you.

Of course, the experience was enhanced because at DOC, all the waiters looked like they had just left that party in La Dolce Vita, except for our waiter, who looked like this:




I am not joking people, I would never joke about such a thing. 
He was very attentive and kept checking in to see if we were ready for the next wave. At one point he told us either that he really liked us or loved us (Bee, can you remember? he was putting the last pizza on the table at the time so I kind of zoned out).
He might have been drunk but we didn't care.


What I have loved this week (AM)

I have loved a few things this week.

Corn of course. But what else is new.

And this delicious tzatziki I made and ate on a tofu kebab but which was even better the next day when the garlic had infused the whole thing deliciously and I ate it on corn chips.

I loved some clothes I tried on but didn't buy because I like to pretend I am not a clothes junky even though I have been thinking about them all week.

I loved those things, but not as much as this awesome thing that Russeth sent me the link to. (Thank you Russeth.)

Remember when video clips were awesome? Like when people like Spike Jonze and Michel Gondry used to make them? The good old days.

Of course there are still some good clips around these days. But in the old days of the 90s and early 2000s great video clips were around all the time. They could be kind of fucked up, but somehow adorable. Messy and magical. Well that's what this is! It's a video clip for Duck Sauce. And, um, it's freakin' awesome.

Look, no-one loves a dick joke more than Russeth, and sure, maybe that's what attracted him to this video clip. But guys, do yourself a favour and watch this! The loveliest dick joke I have seen in my life!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Corn
Damn corn you sweet bitch
Exploding juicy kernels
Get in my mouth now

Hair
To dye or not to?
My hair leaves me questioning
Everything. Sigh.

Work
Mostly, work's ok.
Sometimes boring, sometimes not.
That's ok I guess.

Buddy
Buddy Franklin, um
You are so much skinnier
Than I expected

And then...
I thought footballers
Were giant, cut  to shit. Right?
Was I wrong? Confused!



Haiku Thursday (AM)


Corn Cob
I found you lying
under the number 8 tram. 
Naked and alone.


Hitler Calombaris
Hey street artist guy
Calombaris is a knob,
But this is too much

Not my real back, BTW

Back I
I know you're there, back
Because you hurt. All the time.
What's your effing prob?

Back II
Do you want a scratch?
Is that it? Fine, I'll do it.
Just stop hurting, please. 


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Poor Rats, Poor J (PM)

Rattus Rattus! hahahaha.
I love it when the names match up like that too. My favourite is Vulpes Vulpes.




Imagine if you were a Vulpes Vulpes strolling around the night that 23 Rattus Rattus were being wasted around a fire. What a party!

But back to workplace loneliness. We all feel it, mate.
I'm lucky, my workplace is full of amigas amigas (just jokes) with whom I can share the things that you sometimes want to share. I've got Neville, RoRo and the French Guy to name just a few. But having said that, if something was really really really funny or super super super absurd, I would probably just email you about it anyway. Or post about it on MSC.

We're all here for you, Mate.

Poor rats, poor J (AM)



At my work the pods are single-person pods. It's an openish plan office, that is I can see the back of the woman diagonally in front of me. And we can talk if we want. And with a roll of my chair I can talk to other people too. But the layout doesn't breed community like a multi-person pod does. Plus the woman I can see usually has her headphones in so it is a bit weird to strike up a conversation most of the time.

I am a little bit friendly with some people in my department but we are not friends, as such. This is the first time in a long time that I have worked in this kind of environment. It seemed good at first because it means I can just get to work and get on with my day. Do what I gotta do then leave. I don't get distracted by socialising. I like that.

But what about when something happens and you really need to tell people? Like the time LB sent me the effing cutest picture ever of Baby. I couldn't believe how effing cute it was. And I could not stop myself from interrupting the woman behind me to show her the picture. All the while hating myself for being such a person that thinks her baby is so cute everyone gives a shit. No-one gives a shit. I know that, but I just had to share. It happens sometimes.

And what about when you come accross some interesting information  that you wanted to share? Like:

"Ship rat (Rattus rattus)...were very troublesome  ... one night he killed 23 with a stick around the campfire."

Firstly, I love it when an animals' genus and the species names are the same. It gets me every time! And I want to say it out loud. But I can't just say it aloud to myself. Also, there was something about that sentence that made me want to share it. But of course I couldn't. He killed 23 Rattus rattus with a stick! Around a campfire! In one night!

Oh God, I'm so lonely.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

A day in Horsham (PM)

WOW! Horsham!

I bet there are people out there thinking, "Pah, a night at the Horsham Motor Inn, how very unimpressive." But did you see all those facilities?!?!

My house doesn't have even half that stuff!

A queen size bed. That is where my facilities list ends. Oh, and I have a remote colour TV. Not that remote, I mean it is still in my living room. And not far from my couch. But if they mean remote controlled I do have one of those.

That place has Horsham's finest accommodation! TWO BEDROOM SUITES! A disabled persons unit! (Is that place also a hospital?) And an indoor pool! Just the other day LB and I were talking about how we always thought that an indoor pool meant you had really made it. Like your house is so goddamned big you can fit a POOL in it. Horsham Motor Inn, you have made it!

A day in Horsham (AM)

One of the best things about my job is that I sometimes get to go on field trips to regional Victoria. Yesterday RoRo and I went to Horsham.  It was a swell day.
Here are some highlights/reflections.

We stayed at a motor inn with all of the following facilities. 


Everyone was really friendly, even the door on this Coles Express. 
Some shops made some claims that I found it really hard to believe. 
In case you can't read it, that sign says "More Bargains Rear of Store".
Others, I just found distressing or confusing.
Oh, brother.
What the heck is a two-tooth? Is it delicious? I want one.  

Car bras in Horsham are a lot smaller than in the big smoke,  like training bras. 
But vanilla slice are just as delicious as ever.

Thanks Horsham.


Monday, October 24, 2011

Superbad (PM)

Superman Returns is a joke to me mate, I can tell you that for sure.

Surely an important success factor for any film is that the audience remembers what happened in it. All I remember of that film is that some scenes go down near a body of water. That's all. I don't think the film makers can pat themselves on the back for that.

As opposed to the people who made Superbad, who should be high-fiving the heck out of each other due to the many details of that film which I think about regularly and never fail to be delighted by.

Remember the penis drawings at the end? I am never going to stop finding them funny. I am laughing as I write this, because I am thinking of the one that is standing up to a tank in Tiananmen Square. Take a leaf out of Superbad's book, filmmakers!

Superbad (AM)



Superbad. What an enjoyable movie. God, I wish I was writing about that instead of the very bad movie Superman Returns. I know I am about 5 years late but it was on TV the other night and I have to get a few things of my chest.

Do you know who I don't ever think about? The guy who played Superman in Superman Returns. No-one thinks about that guy. Who is that guy? Casting agent, director, producer, whoever put that guy in there, um, WTF? I don't have a problem with nobodies getting cast in stuff, that's how nobodies become somebodies, but after watching a few minutes of that awful, awful movie on TV the other night, I just think maybe you could have put someone more handsome, charismatic, weird, better, anything in that role. I kind of suspect that when Superman Returns was made it was part of some sort of plan like the producers in The Producers concoct. You know? A sure-fire failure.

I mean that guy who played Superman, Kate Bo(re)sworth, the guy that plays Kumar in the Harold and Kumar movies as a henchman. Again, I know dudes shouldn't get typecast, but seriously, Kumar as a henchman? Menacing Kumar?

I remember when I saw the trailer for this movie when it first came out it I was bored senseless. I knew the movie would suck dog’s balls. But that is because I did not know how POWERFUL it was. Like the moment that Lois realises Lex Luther is back from somewhere (I don't know where or what or why, I pretty much have no idea of the premise of this film except Superman used to be around then he went away and then he returned. I guess Lex followed a similar trajectory). Anyway Lois is investigating something and takes her son onto a boat to look for someone (seriously I have no idea what was going on). She walks onto the boat. Her slow walk and the music tell me to be nervous. She walks down a long hallway (another cue to make me nervous). She walks into a room. Suddenly she looks shocked and afraid! SHIT! (We are cued to think.) WHAT HAS SHE SEEN?!?!?!?!

WWWIIIIGGGGSSSSSS!!!!

Wigs. Seriously. The fuckin' camera pans slowly over a collection of wigs while menacing music plays! You see, that’s how she realises Lex is back.

Seriously, was this movie an actual joke? I just want to know. I don’t think I can take any more of this kind of thing.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Friday Favourites: The Last Waltz (PM)




George Harrison is a really great Beatle. I love that guy! And I love M.Scors. That guy really knows his way around a film! Mostly, I love his movies heaps. So many heaps. And The Last Waltz is really awesome. I love it the heapsest.



I love the music, the peeps, the vibe. But it reminds me of something of which I am a little ashamed.



Years ago I went to see The Last Waltz at the Astor. Sitting next to me was this young couple and they kept talking through the concert bits. I freaking hate that. You know, people think that because there is no dialogue it is ok to talk. It is not ok to talk! This often happens at the start of films if there is just music and images. People think it is ok to talk. But you know what people, those music and images are there for a reason. The freaking set up. Ok!? It sets the mood! Sheesh just shut the ... just shut up please.



Anyway, this couple just kept talking through the all concert scenes, not just a bit here and there but conversations, it was really interrupting the magic. I looked over at them a few times hoping that would quiet them, but it didn’t. I didn’t say anything until I had really reached the end of my tether at which point I just said to the guy, “Can you please shut the fuck up.” Boy, did that guy look affronted. I mean, he was really shocked. But you know what? He was apologetic and did not talk for the rest of the film. Still, I feel bad that I swore at a stranger like that. Oh well.



Hey, but isn’t The Last Waltz an awesome movie?! The Joni Mitchell bit and the Neil Young bit are also some of my favourite bits! You should totally go and watch Neil now!

Friday Favourites: The Last Waltz

So we're all really excited about the George Harrison documentary right? Right!
I'm totally going to watch the hell out of it this weekend.
George is, hands down, my favourite Beatle. Those dreamy eyes. The song "Here Comes the Sun".
I love George.  But really,  it's Martin Scorsese movies that I love the most, and of all the films he has made, I think the documentary The Last Waltz might be my favourite. At the very least, it's today's Friday Favourite.

I am sure everyone knows all about this film, but let me do a quick summary: it is a documentary about the final days of the band The Band, culminating in their last performance at which every 1970s man and his dog also performed.

Why don't we have a quick look at the preview?

As you can see, every 1970s (wo) man and his dog.
First and foremost, it is a music documentary, and the music in The Last Waltz rules. Joni Mitchell and Neil Young are my faves I think, but everyone is kind of awesome, even Neil Diamond.
But The Band are, of course, where it's really at. They play their little gutses out and in between times, they talk about what it's been like to be The Band and what will happen next, now they are basically letting go of it all. It's incredible really, that they give up on this thing that they have loved doing for so long, but  need to let go of or else something terrible might happen. They are basically quitting while they are ahead, which is super super hard to get right, and from the looks on their faces in this film they appear to have no idea whether they really are getting it right.

It's a wonderful film everybody. I hope you've all seen it. If you haven't, I hope you do.
Would you like another reason to see it? How about lovely Levon Helm singing The night they drove old dixie down?



There's a good reason for you.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Haiku Thursday, PM edition


Ikea Meatballs
I have scoffed at you.
But then I ate you. Mon dieu!
What a sensation!

Ryan Gosling
It's unpopular
But I thought Blue Valentine
sucked. Sorry Gosling. 

Spring
I'm crushing on you 
so damn hard. Lets go to the
park and make out, 'k?

Haiku Thursday - AM Edition


Spring I
You've got a nerve, spring,
Showing your face around here.
Almost two months late!

Spring II 
Wait, spring, I'm sorry.
We always hurt who we love.
I love you. Don't go.

Herbs
Mint. Coriander.
Basil. Rosemary and thyme.
I effing love herbs

Mangoes
You thought I loved herbs!
Those feelings pale compared to
My love of mangoes

All the other stuff
Who am I kidding?
I love so many foodstuffs.
Most of them, really.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Too much of a good thing.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!! You thought Ira Glass was your boyfriend! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

But don't feel bad. Even though I totally elaughed my head off at you (arguably with you) in cyberpublic (and actually laughed my head off in real privacy). As if I know how much is enough! I make this mistake all the time. With cheese. With alcohol. With Kanye West tracks. I don't know when to stop.

When I lived in Japan I used to dream about Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters all the time. Like they were my friends. As if being absent from my actual friends was somehow being channelled into dreams about Buffy because I had watched so much of it I would dream about those guys as if they were my friends. Get it?

Is this about not being able to self-limit or not being able to draw a line between fantasy and reality. I am not sure exactly, but either way I am beginning to wonder if some sort of professional intervention is needed. Oh well. I'm sure I am fine. Back to you mate.

Look, the space between waking and reality is a hazy one. You know how sometimes you have a dream and then you can't remember if that thing actually happened or not? Or you are stuck with a feeling you had in the dream all day long as if whatever was going on in your head went on in reality. Sleepy time is fuzzy time mate. Anyway, it's lucky that it was dark in your bedroom so Ira didn't have to see you blushing when he came to bed.

How much is enough?

There is a story from my childhood that I always tell people. It's the butter story. Most of you have heard it, but for those who haven't, it goes like this.

When I was little, I used to think bread and butter was the most delicious thing in the world. Really, it was the butter that blew my mind so much, the bread was just a delicious vessel. I used to want to put layer after layer of butter on my bread, but Mum insisted that we just have a thin scraping, I assume for health reasons. In my view, this was never enough. I mean, if a little bit of something is good, then surely more of it is better, right?

One time, Mum and Dad were going out for the evening and I decided that while they were gone I was finally going to eat as much butter as I wanted. However, I am famous for my inability to show restraint in certain situations, so as soon as the doorbell rang to announce the arrival of the babysitter, I went at the butter like a seagull on a bag of chips. I was at with a teaspoon, just shovelling that delicious stuff in to my mouth.  By the time Mum and Dad came to give us a kiss goodbye, I was lying on the living room floor in a butter coma.  I may have been crying, I don't really remember. They just shook their heads and looked a little embarrassed for the babysitter.

All I know is that I was lying there,  feeling like I wanted to die and wondering where I had gone wrong. I didn't realise that there was such a thing as too much of a good thing.
I feel like there are a million stories from my childhood that go like this. If I think little bit of something is awesome, I go and seek out much much more of that thing and  then it goes horribly wrong. I didn't seem to be able to stop when I was still having a nice time, I would always push on until shit got real and then the good times were over. Obviously this happens less and less as I get older, but I tell this story now because the same kind of thing happened  recently and I guess it just reminded me that sometimes, I still find it difficult to know how much is enough. 

In this recent example, I went overboard on listening to  This American Life and the consequences were a little pathetic and a lot ridiculous.  How can you overdose on listening to TAL? I hear you ask. Well lucky I am in a sharing mood guys, because I am totally going to tell you.
Because I love TAL, I listen to it all the time when I'm pottering about doing stuff at home.  But lately, I have been listening to it when I go to sleep. At first I thought this was a great plan, particularly for those times I wasn't totally exhausted when I went to bed. I would read for a while and then play a TAL podcast and drift off to the sound of Ira Glass saying his pretty pretty words. It was a  real treat.
I should have stopped there, but of course I started doing it every night, and now I've gone too far.
I know this because the other night I drifted off to sleep very quickly, and then awoke with a start about 15 minutes later. When I heard Ira speaking in my half-sleep state I thought to myself, oh good, Ira's home and then waited for a sec for him to come in to the bedroom and get in bed with me. And then I became fully conscious and realised that Ira Glass is not my boyfriend and was not in fact about to get in bed with me, but rather was just talking to me through the interpipes.  When I realised this, I felt my cheeks go red and I basically had to lie in bed, blushing in the darkness.

This shouldn't happen, guys. I really need to figure out how to draw a line.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Sorry we were late

I can advise that I was late to dinner on Friday because Legsley and I were having a drink with the French guy from my work, and then after he left we had to talk about him for a while because he is so handsome he could make a unicorn cry.

But it all worked out in the end with those delicious cocktail bubble cups at Toff. God they were good. May all our cocktails be bubble cups from now on, or margaritas like the ones I had that time in Mexico. *treasured memories*

Speaking of wondering where everyone is, guess who I saw this morning after days and days of absence? Piglet!
He wasn't on the fence, but just sitting on the grass having a nice time. I took this photo of him to show you all:

This is really him, not some bird from the internet!
 I guess he doesn't like being papped though, because he started to lift his wings and looked at me kind of menacingly:

Settle down, little buddy.
Oh well, it was nice to see him, even though he might hate my guts. 

Where is everybody?

Remember that time I thought the humans were dead? I was right! Here I am at China Red, THE VERY RESTAURANT THAT INSPIRED THAT POST, on Friday night. I was meant to meet 12 friends at 8 o'clock.



When I say 'here I am' obviously I am not in the photo cause someone had to take the photo, right? So I took it . I took that photo at 8:08! But where was everybody? You guys I think the humans are dead!

Obviously I can't really pursue this line forever, because of course everyone showed up and we had a delightful dinner. But something weird was happening on Friday night. I drove to the city that night, for a number of reasons (wanting to get home to Baby quickly, needing an external factor to make me minimise my alcohol in take, you can dig it). Anyway I was pretty conflicted about which way to go and where to park. I thought I would never get a park on St Kilda Rd because Melbourne Festival is on and I figured all those middle aged theatre-loving drivers would be in all the car parks. But there were so many parking spaces! Tens of parks to chose from. I got a totally A1 park! "That's weird," I thought to myself, "where is everyone? Why can I get such a good park." Then I started thinking about reapplying lipstick and never thought about why there were so many car spaces free again.

Until later when I was heading home after a lovely dinner and the best cocktail bubblecups I have ever had. I mean the only cocktail bubblecups I have ever had. (Toff were serving cocktail bubblecups and I have not stopped thinking about those delicious little bastards since!) Anyway it was this beautiful warm evening, the first of the season really, but at 11:30 on Friday night in the city the streets were practically empty.


I don't know what the eff was going on, but all together it kind of felt like the humans were dead.

That's all I'm saying.

Monday, October 17, 2011

My Friend

Did you know that one of Sparkle Motion's teachers wrote the score for the smash hit Disney movie Alladin!!!

But back to her own great tunes and that great video clip. It's so great that Sparkle Motion happens to know a hot young director to make such a super clip for her!

K and I were lucky enough to be on set the day of the shoot. The set was super creepy!



The whole place smelled disgusting!


But the aftermath was cool. As seen here:


And here:


MY FRIEND from SPA on Vimeo.

Oh, already seen that? Sorry I couldn't help posting it again.

Sparkle Motion


Our friend Sparkle Motion is a special lady.
She is one of those people who is always doing awesome things and makes you feel like you are wasting your life. Not that she would ever make you feel that way. She is way too nice for that. But still. Sometimes I feel that.
Like right now, she is living in LA and studying film scoring at UCLA. Isn't that awesome? Doesn't it make you feel kind of like you are wasting your life? 
Before she went to LA, she made a whole bunch of music here in Melbs. Some of it she made with folks like Oliver Mann and Magic Silver White, but the stuff she made on her own as Sparkle Motion is definitely my favourite. You can listen to it here, but before you do, check out this clip which is hot off the presses.
I friggen love this clip, I can't stop watching it.
You guys should watch it too!



Friday, October 14, 2011

HB LB

Mate, what you're experiencing is a crisis of present giving confidence.You're still a great present giver. Why don't you tell the readers about the time you bought LB a new surfboard? And how, because you are such a great baby mamma, you had the initials LB printed on the surfboard. That was just last Christmas! You've still got it mate. For sure.
My advice to you is to not overthink it. Ribeye and I used to always overthink the presents we got for one another, and it did not yield positive results. This one time, we ended up giving each other the exact same DVD box set for Christmas. It was funny for five minutes but then it was just annoying because we effectively had twenty hours of documentary about the American civil war, which was about nineteen hours too many. Just jokes, I love that documentary. But not two times. I guess it was handy when we broke up though.
Anyway, you'll come up with a shit hot present for LB for sure.

It's Elderbro's birthday just before LBs and I think I am going to buy him a fish for the pond he is making in his back yard. I can write about it here without fear of spoilers because he never reads Miss Soft Crab, he told me so just the other night.


The present question

I used to be a really good present buyer. I am pretty sure I was really good. Like, I knew what people would like and I would buy it for them and give it to them in a timely fashion. You were probably on the receiveing end once or twice, right mate? Not recently though. I was good at it but then something happened. I lost my mojo. Maybe when my friends started turning 30 or something and there was all this pressure. I don't know, but I just lost it.

Meanwhile, LB has gotten really good at buying presents. For me at least. When we started going out he was not that good. He had some good ideas but he would never have birthday presents for me on my birthday. He would tell me what he was thinking of buying me then make me go shopping with him. It was fine. I am not complaining, just saying.

Anyway, now he is really good. For my birthday this year he got me TWO awesome presents. Two kind of expensive things I really wanted. A couple of days ago for no reason other than he found them at an op shop he came home with two great pots for me. This great Le Creuset frypan.



And this pyrex baby to replace a recent, heartbreaking loss.



Lucky me, right? But it is LB's birthday in a few weeks and I do not know what the eff I am going to get him. Why does he have to be such a great gift giver goddamnit? It is very possible that it is because I covet more stuff so he just has to buy me a thing I covet. He just wants a VW Passat and zodiac boat but my coveting covers a broad, more affordable spectrum. So really I am making it easy for him. God, why can't he just want heaps of stuff, like me?!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

The groan

You know what is really weird? I thought I did watch The Slap but I guess I was wrong. It was on the TV in one room while I was cooking dinner in another room (the kitchen FYI) but I did walk in and out watching bits of the show. I had no idea it had a voice over. A voice over. Isn't that what film(TV)makers use when they are too shit to tell the whole story properly, like with all the other awesome things available to them when making films/TV.

To be fair some voice overs are used to excellent effect. Arrested Development, as you mentioned is one totes awesome example. The Royal Tenenbaums has a voice over and I love that movie AND Alec Baldwin, the narrator, so win-win on that one.

Look, obviously I did not see (hear) the narrator in The Slap and only saw bits of the episode anyway, so who am I to judge. But I will tell you this: the bits I saw of The Slap did make me wonder why everyone is cumming in their daks about it. Well, tonight we are having leftovers for dinner so I guess I will have the opportunity to watch the stupid show and figure out if it is any good. Though just thinking about it right now is boring me so I guess I probably won't after all.

The Slap

So are people watching The Slap, the TV event of the year?
I just can't get interested in it. I thought the book kind of sucked. People always bang on about how great it is; the interesting propositions it raises and the well rendered characters who are just like people we all know.  I actually felt like I was watching Neighbours or something similar when I was reading the book. You know, its full of drama and the characters face dilemma after dilemma but I don't really care about any of it, and I feel like I'm on the verge of laughing at it the whole way through. And I'm just waiting for them all to go to the diner,  and for Harold to do something doddery and old fashioned which makes them all roll their eyes and laugh and realise that they'll always be friends and then have a lovely milkshake.

So why am I so drawn to that picture of Melissa George holding a child and looking distressed that you can see on the side of the 112 tram at the moment? And why did I find myself watching episode 1 on iview on the weekend, even though my internet connection at home is really slow and the video kept stopping for 5 seconds every minute or so? Why?

Of course I disliked it in all the same ways I disliked the book, but with some extra reasons because TV is a different medium with different ways of annoying me.

Um, did you guys hear that voice over? Yikes.

Like the wearing of a v neck t-shirt if you are a man, a voice over is a difficult thing to pull off.  A show has to be pretty special to be able to get away it.
Like this one.

The Slap, I am pretty sure you are not Arrested Development. Your voice over is patronising, and sounds like an add for paracetamol. It makes me think "Hey d-bags, don't tell me what to think! You're not the boss of me!" instead of "Oh yes, voice over, please tell me more!". It's unlikely that it will get better from here, right? I should just forget all about it and not watch any more, right? 


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Things I can't believe: the Japan edition

First, that crows have such big beaks in Japan.

Second, that artificial hymens exist, and are big in Japan (read the article guys, you won't regret it!)

Third, that the following description of all the hymen-damaging conditions which may qualify a lady for the artificial hymen is actually necessary:
  • Female whose hymen was broken due to physical exercise (gymnastics, track and field sports, martial arts, etc.) 
  • Females whose hymen was broken due to premarital sex (active or passive)
  • Females whose hymen was broken as a result of childhood games 
  • Females whose hymen was broken due to masturbation 
  • Females with congenital defects of hymen
Too much exposition, article about artificial hymens!
Why couldn't you just say "The artificial hymen is suitable for crazy bitches without hymens"?
Right?

Things I like: Japan

I've been thinking about Japan lately.

Perhaps it is because I saw a large crow yesterday and Tokyo is full of those bastards. But in Tokyo they have freakishly large beaks.



In high school I had a friend who had a paranoia about seeing six crows in a day. This had never happened mind you but she got it in her head that if she did it would bring bad luck. She would not stand a chance in Tokyo. Those bastards are everywhere.

Maybe its because Strawberry and Quirk are going there and Strawbs sent me the link to their blog. They leave today, so of course blog so far is just about their plans. Which include what you expect of course.

The Asahi challenge for example.


And Tokyo Disneyland.

I bought LB tickets to Tokyo Disneyland for his birthday when we lived there and it was hands down one of the best days of my life. It was so friggin fun. I had never been on a roller coaster before. Can you believe it?! My childhood was deprived I guess. But that day I went on so many! Tokyo Disneyland is a dry zone. But not for us. We snuck in vodka and drank it mixed into some weird orange drink then went on Space Mountain and the Winnie the Pooh ride and watched the awesome light parade. We were so innocent then.

Maybe it's because my friend, let's call him David, sent me a link to this fascinating article on Japanese faux hymens.

Man, I love that crazy place!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Your mother

Mate, yo mama is so fat when I looked for Facebook on Google I couldn't find it cause yo mama was in the way!

Just jokes. Yo mama is adorable.

Mums say the darndest things

Ok guys, I promise that this is the last thing we will say about Barbra Streisand for a while.
I just thought it would be appropriate to give my mum the final word, given that she is the woman responsible for this whole love of Barbra fiasco.

So back when I wrote the original Babs post, I emailed Mum to tell her that she got a special mention on Miss Soft Crab, and sent her the link. Much later (Mum hates the interweb),  I received the following in response:

Hi Darling, I'm quite embarrassed, but pleased to hear that you actually appreciate
Barbra.   I still have "The Way We Were" recorded and watch it from time to time,
and believe it or not I still cry every time.


I couldn't send a comment to your blog as I didn't know what PROFILE meant!!


Bye darling, Love Mum XOX

Hahahahahaa. Oh, Mum.
(Just quickly, sometimes I think she has forgotten my name because she calls me darling so much. )

Also, this is kind of unrelated, but I was just listening to the radio and they said that right now, facebook is as big as the entire internet was in 2004. The whole thing, guys! I wish I knew how big that was, but the truth is I have no idea.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Fassbender sitting

Far out, it would appear that Aniston is totally losing it.
You know, Aniston (and TV's Alex Papps) are the 'celebrities' with whom I share a birthday, so I feel a sense of solidarity with her. Whenever the magazines are all "Aniston longs for Brad's baby" or "Aniston weeps over Sofie the Giraffe" I am all, chut up magazines, let the lady just get on with her lonely miserabe life. 
But seeing those Babs pictures...I feel like maybe she is longing for Brad's baby and would weep if she saw a Sofie the Giraffe.

Oh, what brings you here?

I know we have written about this before, remember? That guy that asked Google where is missing finger was?! HAHAHA! Shit. I shouldn't laugh. I mean, maybe that guy lost a finger. I'm sorry guy. Anyway, Google brought him (I assume it was a man but that is totally sexist. I was once taught cheese making by a woman who had one or more half fingers) here.

Do you know what else has brought people to this here site? Other than Ewan McFuckingGregor (no disrespect to Ew.Mc, but seriously people move on)? Well we will get that in a minute. I will stick with Ewan for a minute. In the last month 6 of the 10 most used search phrases that lead people here are Ewan related. Including "Ewan McGregor eyes" and "Ewan McGregor trainspotting smiling". HAHA. These phrases have brought people here more than once! I'm pretty sure that if you get a picture of Ewan his eyes will be included. But this is not quite as good as a recent favourite, "Michael Fassbender sitting". I like to imagine a woman out there just thinking, "That Fassbender is so hot. I love it when he sits." And then she Googles that. Again, I am totally making sexist assumptions but it's my imagination in my heterosexual brain living in a heterodominant society. I'll imagine Fassbender fans however I want goddamnit!

Anyways, of course with all this Ewan traffic there is not much room for anything else but one search term that appeared a few times was "Sarah Michelle Gellar looks like Barbra Streisand". I love this because because SMG turned up here once and then Babs turned up here totally separately and now this ludicrous search sends people our way. Thanks Google.

Now, as you know from last Friday Miss Soft Crab knows a thing or two about celebrity doppelgangers and as you may also know SMG is not Babs' doppelganger. In fact when you ask Google Images about it you get things like this:


No, Google Images, I said Sarah Michelle Gellar. That's Jennifer Aniston you idiot!



That's still Jennifer Aniston. But why is she doing that Barbra Streisand pose?

Jesus, Aniston, this is getting embarrassing.

Seriously Google Images, don't you have any pictures of SMG and Babs?

WTF??!?!

Friday, October 7, 2011

Doppelganger

I love the doppelganger game, though Neville’s version sounds like one I may play if I hadn’t eaten for a few hours and was hysterical.

LB and I play a version of this often. Mostly because he sees regular dudes in the street all the time and thinks they are, usually minor but occasionally major, celebrities. Of course not as badly as his brother Minderbinder and Pickle, who once thought a girl at Meredith was Claire Danes. Actually.

Anyway, because of LB’s frequent mistakes it has become a game whereby whenever we see a person with a passing resemblance to someone we say that someone’s name. I like it best when the person that we see is in fact a minor celebrity but we pretend to think it is a major celebrity. Like when we see Jon Faine and say, “Look, Steven Spielberg”. Funny every time!










Doppelganger

Last night, Neville and I went to see the taping of the final episode of the Marngrook Footy Show.
It was fine, but I guess it made me realise there is a reason that most footy shows don't have an episode  after the grand final. It was kind of as if everyone had got together on boxing day to relive the things that went down on Christmas Day. No one cared. I barely even cared, and I love Christmas! Hah. Jokies. (Not really, I do love Christmas).

Regardless, Neville was keen to make the most of the evening, and whilst waiting for the show to begin, she  insisted that we play a game she likes to call Doppelgangers. It basically involves identifying people in your immediate vicinity who look like celebrities. For the game to be enjoyable, you need a lot of people around, because the truth is, most people don't actually look like celebrities. You also need someone who is prepared to see a likeness in just about anyone, which my pride in my incredibly refined facial recognition skills prevents me from doing.

As far as I am concerned, this is a good doppelganger:




And this is a REALLY good doppelganger.
Neville, on the other hand, thinks that anyone who shares a single characteristic with someone else is a good doppelganger. For example, she pointed at someone who looked like this:
and very excitedly said "OMG! Craig McLachlan!" then looked at me expectantly. I barely had time to laugh at her because she immediately pointed at someone who looked like this:




and said "James Hird!"
Honestly, Neville. You are a highly skilled, highly awesome individual, but you can not play this game at all. 
In fairness, the James Hird dude was wearing a polar fleece, but still.



Thursday, October 6, 2011

Shuffle


You have such a positive attitude Mate.
When I saw Kevin Bacon looking at me all super intense like from the top of your post I thought yes! I bet J is going to hate on Footloose 2011 which means I can hate on Footloose 2011 after her! Footloose 1984 forever!
Imagine my surprise when I read your post and realised that it was actually about loving on the simple things.
But I can go with that. I mean, I dig on simple things.
Here's a thing I like: I like it when I put my iphone on shuffle and it really senses my mood and plays exactly what I feel like listening to. Like right now it is playing Prince. Of course I want to be listening to Prince right now! Thanks iphone. You always get it.

(Sorry that you're dead Steve Jobs.)

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

It's the little things


Last night I kind of thought I might want to share with you my thoughts on the new Footloose movie. I haven't seen it of course but I have thoughts on it.

Basically I would have written something like this: Footloose (2011) why don't you fuck off. No one wants you! Leave Footloose (1984) alone why don't you!

But I didn't want to start the day off with hating. Why hate on some stupid film when there is so much great stuff in the world. Like clean teeth and fresh sheets - both of which I got to enjoy last night.

Of course I get clean teeth everyday. Twice a day. But you know what I really love. I love to brush my teeth about 20 minutes before I go to bed. Or even hour so that when I really am ready to go to bed and feel really tired all I have to do is go to bed. There is nothing standing in my way. Seriously this is one of my all time favourite things. In days gone by I used to put off going to bed for hours till I was practically asleep on the living room floor just because I couldn't be bothered brushing my teeth but at the same time I could never go to bed without brushing them.

I also love going to bed when I am really tired. Especially when I know I don't have to wake up early. I love the few minutes before falling asleep knowing I am about to.

And thank god for these things or I totally would have had to lie awake last night wondering why the eff they can't just leave Footloose alone.

Sexy baby or 30 Rock is the best

Do you know how many times a day I think "I'm a very sexy baby"?

I don't think it about me, of course. It is just a line that pops into my head a lot. You know. Because it is such a good one. And also because sometimes I think about Baby something like "you are such a cutie baby" and that morphs into "I'm a very sexy baby" and then I kind of just want to say to Baby, "You're a very sexy baby". But of course this seems wholly inappropriate.

Perhaps I've said to much. Hey, remember this:



HAHAHHAHAHAHA

Sexy baby

Check it out: on the tram on the way to work this morning I overheard a lady talking on her phone. She sounded EXACTLY like this:

For real!
She was on a work call and saying things like "If you could get Simon to review the contract before the meeting, we will be much better placed to argue the point about blah blah blah", only she was saying it all in a sexy baby voice!
Ha!
That's all.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Yes, the show does rule, it's true

Oh man, I love the heck out of the show.  
We were never allowed to go when I was little, but I went a few years ago with AB and Coco and we had the best time ever. We went to the pig races and they chose me to lead the cheerleading for Swifty, one of the pigs who was racing. They chose me out of all the people! They gave me a flag and when I waved it, everyone had to cheer. It would be fair to say that Swifty got a lot of support that day.

This is not Swifty, it is a picture of a pig that is on the internet.
Lets hope that's what a pig looks like when it's having a really good time.

Anyway, I had a top day, and it looks like your day ruled just as much.
Just quickly though, those Irish setters are the cutest (after Doggy, who is one of the cutest and best dog ever, as articulated here and here ). Also, that chicken with the black and white feathers looks like it is wearing that Alexander McQueen dress I saw that time. Cute.