Monday, September 28, 2015

Appreciate it now (PM)


There's lots to appreciate at the moment. Nice weather. Relative youth. Sisters and their great advice. Grace, in the face of not getting change when someone buys Viet salad rolls with your money. The upcoming stone fruit season, which I was reminded of when reflecting on the fact that my skin looks a bit like a peach that's a day over ripe. The fuzz, the wrinkles, it's seriously uncanny. But it's only going to get worse! So let's totally appreciate it now, and appreciate how great it's going to be to let ourselves go in the (very distant) future. So much to appreciate. Now! 

Appreciate it now! (AM)



Chickpea has been doing me the excellent favour of looking after Newbie one day a week while I do some volunteer work. Yeah, I'm a pretty fucking great person.

It is really nice of her to do it, take time out her week on the regular like that. On the flip side she does get to hang out with the cutest effing 18-month-old living today, so really who is doing who the favour?

The other day she was over in the morning and I was getting ready to leave, performing my morning ablutions and what have you.  I have pretty great light in my bathroom, which is an excellent feature for a bathroom to have; it means time spent in there is pleasant and that performing grooming tasks that require good light is much easier. It also means that standing in front of the mirror in the morning you get a pretty good look at yourself. So as I left the bathroom I said to Chickpea, "God, I wish I'd appreciated my skin when I was younger." To which she yelled, "Appreciate it now!"

Of course. Of course! Lately when I look in the mirror and feel dejected at the natural aging that my skin has undergone and that is evident for all the world to see, all I think is, "Ugh, here it is. The signs of aging. And it's only going to get worse. If only I knew what I had when my skin was younger and better." What a total idiot! It's only going to get worse. Now is the time I should know what I have! Yes, I should have known then, but I also should know now! This is as good as my skin will ever look again, probably. Unless I get rich and can afford some great skin care regime. But even then, that will only help if I get rich pretty soon cause even some fancy skin care isn't going to take many years of my face. I know that.

Having an older sister is great, because they go through all the things before you and can give you excellent advice! Sure, I felt pretty stupid for not realising that I should be appreciating all the benefits of relative youth that I was lamenting not appreciating before, but mostly I just felt glad for her sage advice. And I barely even resented it when she didn't give me my change after buying vietnamese salad rolls later that day.

Still what I do with that advice, I don't really know. I guess I should just stop feeling bad about my mild wrinkles and feel happy that they're still pretty mild. Yeah, that's it. At least with age and wrinkles, wisdom comes too.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Lost in Preston (PM)

Wait! A walking stick!? How did they get home?


Lost in Preston (AM)

I've been walking around the quiet back streets of Preston a lot the last eight weeks.  I've learnt that not very many people walk around the quiet back streets of Preston. I've also learnt, through the lost signs posted on lamp posts, that my neighbours are a rag tag bunch. Check it out:




A pocket knife? A double ended dog lead? A walking stick? What happened to dogs and cats?! 





Monday, September 21, 2015

I'm looking forward to...(PM)




Wow. The prospect of having three meals a day catered for fills me with so much emotion. Mainly delight. Not because I don’t like cooking. I think we all know I love it! But I hate having to decide what to eat three times a day. (And that’s not even counting snacks!) Sure breakfast is a no-brainer because I will eat porridge whenever I can, but the rest of the meals… ugh. Planning them is the worst(/best)! I’m personally looking really forward to a holiday next month that will start in Queensland but mainly take place in the mid-north coast of NSW and while looking for hotels for the QLD I decided I am totally going to add the overpriced breakfast to my room because that seems like such a wonderful luxury. And I won’t have to think about that one meal for a whole TWO days! Oh god, I can’t wait!



But enough about breakfast, what about water pressure?! This is one of the most important things that you face on a daily basis. And if you are at home with satisfying water pressure then there is no problem but when you are taken out of that comfort zone…disaster. Or rather…unpleasantness!



We have been trying to fix up our bathroom which has many nice new features but also has the scuzzy shower head and taps left over from the old bathroom. These are fine, just old and scuzzy and we think about changing them all the time but are in fear of losing our excellent water pressure. We tried out a new shower head a little while ago but the water pressure was so unsatisfying, like a cold limp handshake, we had to go back to ‘Ol Scuzz after one shower.



As you may know LB’s family own a beach house and even though that whole place has been old and scuzzy for a long time I can’t recommend finding a boyfriend with a beach house highly enough. The place has been having some renovations lately, the bathroom was the first to go, now the kitchen is underway. Although these spaces are much more shiny and comfortable now, the water pressure has truly gone to shit. Before leaving for the beach this past Saturday I had a shower and LB remarked “I’m not going to have one down there so I guess I’ll have one now too.” Truly, this is our new life. So woeful is the shower power down there we will avoid is at all costs. It takes about 30 seconds to fill a glass with water, the kitchen sink pressure is so low. Still I won’t complain (anymore). I mean the beach house privilege is a pretty good one. I should just suck up the new pressure.


I'm looking forward to...(AM)


As you all know, I've been out of town for the past week in a beautiful place where the river is wide, the air is warm and wombats ruffle around the green grass every night. Also, the thing was fully catered so we have had breakfast lunch and dinner prepared for us each day. It's been pretty great and I have been making sure to thank my lucky stars every night. But there has been one shit thing that makes me pretty damn excited about coming home. The water pressure in the shower is truly pathetic and I'm starting to realise that limp water pressure makes my heart a little sad.
I know how much of an asshole this makes me sound. But it's like a trickle from a hose with a kink in it. Deeply dissatisfying. Water pressure is important. It's invigorating. The body needs to feel cleansed and invigorated, otherwise bathroom inventors would have just worked on faster ways of filling baths and the shower would never have been invented. But it was invented because they know that people need to feel invigorated and after a week in this New South Welsh paradise, I know too!  Even though my bathroom at home has a permanently open window in it which makes it cold as hell, the water pressure is excellent and I'm going to stand under that baby for minutes and minutes when I get home.  May all your showers be equally powerful today.
 

Thursday, September 17, 2015

'Ave a cup of tea (PM)

I'm in a land of intermittent wifi so I'm going to have to talk fast, but I am fully on board with this tea caper. I've always enjoyed a tea. I have it black with a squeeze of lemon and sometimes, when I really want to treat myself, I add a little sugar. That's five blissful minutes right there. And unlike coffee, tea is all delight and no craving. I never jones for a tea, I just sometimes think 'ooh, tea. Yes please'. You know who does jones for tea though? The people of Wales. The people in the office I was in were bonkers for tea. I reckon they would break for it every hour, no joke. It seriously compromised their productivity. They claimed it was because of the cold weather and it's true, a cup of tea really warms you up. There was one chap there  who had a pack of mcvitties dark chocolate digestives in his top drawer and he would have one with each cup of tea. Bloody lovely it was. 
You know what else is lovely, this secret river shit I was telling you about on Monday. Check out where I am writing this from. 
Phwoar!

'Ave a cup of tea (AM)



The Misses Soft Crab love coffee. I'm sure you know that because we sing it's praises all the time. Add it a Tuesday to make it terrific, write haiku about it, just generally roll around in our love for it. We effing love it. Just had one. Best thing I've done all day.

But you know what else is good? Tea.

Russeth told me recently he didn't get tea. He said people at work were always having a cup of tea and he couldn't figure out why. He said he tried it to see what all the fuss was about but he still didn't get it. His loss.

Years ago I lived with Miguel who is a tea-drinker extraordinaire. His habit is basically chronic, but I can't recommend this kind of housemate highly enough. There was pretty much always a pot of tea on the go. These days I rarely make a pot, though it is a superior tea experience.

I like the taste of tea and I like having a hot drink and I love it to cut through the sweetness of a sweet treat. But in my current stage of life I also just effing dig an excuse to sit down for five minutes.

When Baby was about 1.5-2 and still breastfeeding I used to think it was basically his equivalent to a cup of tea. Newbie is in that phase now. They don't need it, but who doesn't like a bit of quiet time with a warm drink. Babes have boobs, we have tea.

I have about five cups of tea a day. Not because I want to have that many but because I'm constantly trying to force five quiet minutes into my day but always miss-timing it.

My friend Housemaid was wearing a cute ring last week with a tiny teacup on it. She told me her friend made a range of rings with teapots and cups because it reminded her of tea with her Nan and made her feel relaxed to look at them. I thought that maybe I should replace a few cups of tea with some visual cue to relax. But who has time to come up with a replacement?!? Not me!

Ok, tea time!

Monday, September 14, 2015

Shana tova (PM)

Shana tova friends! I have self loathing today too, but it ain't caused by binge eating or drinking. I wish! Seriously, I totally wish I had been doing that last night. It's caused by failure to get KB to suckle at the boob for more than five minutes even though we are mammals and we are born to do this! Way to make a new mother feel like a total failure. 
Before I go on, I want to mention that I'm just auditioning KB as the baby's Miss Soft Crab name. I was thinking of calling him Kaby, pronounced like 'baby' but starting with a K because I am K and he is my baby. But I don't like the way Kaby looks on the screen. So then I thought KB, which has a similar kind of sound. Sort of. But not really. Anyway, I could go with Kaybee but that looks weird too. Do people have thoughts on this?
Back to self loathing. Actually, there's not much more to say. I feel terrible about it but I'm trying to. It's hard work. I wish. I just had to feel terrible about what I drank last night and then go look for some chips and coke. That seems like it would be easier to deal with. 
On the plus side, I am at a place called Bundanon at the moment. It's where Arthur Boyd used to live and it's effing beautiful, on a big wide river called the Shoalhaven. Did you guys watch The Secret River? This is some serious Secret Rivier shit. There is wildlife galore and it's beautiful. 

I should take a leaf from this wombat's book. As if s/he has ever felt self loathing! Not a chance.
May our year be as carefree as this wombat's! 


Shana tova (AM)



Oh you guys I'm so hungover. I mean it's new year, right?! What do you expect?

Jewish new year. But still. And by hungover, I mean fat. Like I ate way too much food last night and have all the shame and regrets and struggle with my body that a night of binge eating brings, which is similar to those that binge drinking brings. 

So you know it's pretty much just like any New Year's Day of yesteryear, my head is useless and I'm full of self-loathing and resolutions. Which I'm hoping to act out. You know because it's spring!

So happy 5776 everyone! Let's hope it's a great year!

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Haiku Thursday (PM)


Old baby haiku

Very distinct smell
Of banana dropped somewhere
Out of all sight Where?

In the car the smell
Is apple dropped half eaten 
Unseen but lurking

Haiku Thursday (AM)




New baby haiku 

My baby has skin
As soft as the inside of
Toasted marshmallows

When my baby poos
It sounds like a thunderstorm
In his pants. So cute.

I am so tired.
So very very very
Very tired. Zzzz.


Monday, September 7, 2015

This post was going to be about how much I like Brendan Fraser (PM)




I'm not surprised to read what K learned about Brendan Fraser yesterday. I've been suspecting for a long time that Brendan Fraser isn't what we thought he was. Even after my teenage hormones settled down I still managed to enjoyed him in The Mummy, but I can admit he's pretty hit and miss. For sometime I've been wonerding if that's just because he's gotten puffy and somewhat unattractive but I suspect* it's more than that. I've watched Journey to the Centre of the Earth a couple of times with Baby and I find the Frase pretty meh. It supports something that I've been coming to terms with for a long time and that is that many of the people I deemed hunks in my youth were really only given that mantle as a result of hormones and magazines telling me what to think. Now I'm a grown up I can choose my hunks for myself!

However I am pretty upset to learn that With Honours wasn't even watchable. I assume that any film you watch a million times as a kid will always be enjoyable based on nostalgia alone so it's pretty upsetting to learn this isn't true. I  mean I'm still processing that revelation about some of the perceived hunks of yesteryear.

God, these life lessons just keep on coming.

In fairness to Brendan Fraser I think that we should recognise that the allimony payments he doesn't want to pay are actually in addition to his child support payments, which, according to TMZ are not what he's complaining about. So come on guys, give Brendan Fraser a break!

*And by "suspect" I mean "like to think in order to not feel so shallow".

This post was going to be about how much I like Brendan Fraser (AM)

Yesterday afternoon, I lay down on the couch for a little rest while the gentlemen of the house went for a walk. I fully intended to watch an episode of Orange is the New Black which is a bit violent for my sensitive tastes these days, yet still lures me back to watch more. However, the internet was on the fritz so I was stuck watching real TV which, on Sunday afternoon, is always a gamble. Imagine my delight when a young Brendan Fraser popped up on my screen together with an always the same age Joe Pesci in the film With Honors. This was a film that J and I watched several times when we were teenagers because it starred a man we deemed to be a hunk (Joe Pesci) and a man we liked to make a lot of fun of (Brendan Fraser). Just jokes. Reverse that. We used to make a LOT of fun of Joe Pesci. I don't know why, given that he is excellent in Goodfellas. But for a while there, we would regularly play games of 'Would you rather' in which sex with Joe Pesci was one of the undesirable activities we had to choose between.
But back to Sunday afternoon.   How great! I thought. I love Brendan Fraser and this lame movie. I am going to watch it and then tomorrow I am going to post about how great Brendan Fraser is and how he should really work more. 
It was a great plan for about five minutes. It didn't take long for me to realise that Brendan Fraser actually isn't that great. He's kind of bad and in the film With Honors, he plays a smug douchebag. I always knew With Honors was a shit film, but I thought it would be enjoyable because of our history with it, and I really did think that Brendan Fraser was good. Boy oh boy (Harvard)* was I wrong! I started to think that maybe Brendan Fraser doesn't really get much work any more because he's not really very good. Maybe my feelings about Brendan Fraser are purely related to the powerful hormones active in my late teens. I thought perhaps I would watch School Ties again to be certain but after about 20 minutes of With Honors, I don't think I have it in me.
Plus, I googled Brendan Fraser and discovered this. Brother doesn't want to pay an admittedly very high amount of alimony to his ex-wife to support his kids because he has too many other expenses and his more than $200k monthly income can't cover it all.

Now think Brendan Fraser is a dick and will only watch School Ties for Matt Damon.

* This is a very specific With Honors based in-joke from our teenage years.

PS: this damn site won't let me post photos so I can't even show you that Brendan Fraser used to be a hunk! Sorry you guys.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

New questions (PM)

First, in response to the easy question: I definitely think you should get the jumpsuit. It's lovely and would look great on you and you're not having a fractions life crisis, you're just being fashion forward. Remember that denim jumpsuit you bought back when jumpsuits were just for babies? Well they sell them at Country Road now. See? Fashion forward. Go for it Mate.

As for the cleaner. This is a new question and perhaps a more complex one but my answer is the same. Go for it. It's very friggen hard to find the time for cleaning and in truth, you don't have to have made it to get a little help now and then. I think the reason it also seems hard to face the reality of getting a cleaner is that one feels  like a bit of an asshole, hiring someone to clean up ones own leavings. But maybe that person is eyeing off a sweet jumpsuit of their own, and your wages is what will make that dream come true for them. Just think of that!

New questions (AM)



I guess you think you know me pretty well after all these years. And you probably do. I love autumn and spring, I think of little aside from what I'm going to wear, what I should do with my hair and where have all the good hunks gone. If that is how you see me you have a pretty accurate picture. But lately something else has been creeping in and has taken a hold of my mind almost as strongly as my hair. It's the question of getting a cleaner. This is a conversation I have with various people at least once a week and if I'm going to be honest with you it's time you knew.

Until about a year ago I thought that getting a cleaner was something reserved for people that have really made it. Once you have the disposable income to spend on a cleaner you really have to be sitting pretty. But as Newbie grew into the kind of toddler that pulls everything from a shelf and then drops it one metre away the cleaning demanded for my house pretty much got beyond me. Now, I'm not saying it's his fault. No way. I'm just saying that keeping up with all the stuff he pulls off the shelf on top of washing clothes for four people, cleaning the kitchen after two or three meals a day and just general clean-keeping is really hard. Just keeping the house in a pleasant state is hard enough but how do you do things like clean the bathroom, do the gardening, dust the records? (Not a rhetorical question, seriously, how?!)

And I'm not saying I'm special, I talk to people with one child or no children and everyone is wondering the same thing, "Can I justify a cleaner"? I felt pretty inspired the other day when I was visiting a friend who lives with her 5-year-old son in a tiny one-bedroom bungalow and she told me that about once a month she gets a cleaner to come in and just give the place a really good once-over. I think this may be the answer for me but why haven't I done it. What is holding me back? Do I hate myself? Why can't I let myself be happy?!

If you need a more classic Miss Soft Crab conundrum here you go:

Do you think I should buy this jumpsuit? I kind of love it but perhaps I'm having a 4/10-life crisis.