Is nothing sacred!?!?! (AM)

Hurtin'

I don't look at Facebook very often. I'd like to say it's only once a week, but in reality it's probably every two days, it just feels comparatively infrequent and my view is probably distorted. I stopped looking because it was so pointless and there was always links to depressing news items about how effed the world is or some post about some dumb shit from a person I don't much care for. Yesterday I looked though, and lucky too because my aunt had sent me a video of a tiny Spider-man-child and I also had an invite to a party. Oh it is the party of a one-year-old, not the kind with booze, but it's still social. So, there I was thinking how lucky it was I'd checked Facebook, scrolling down to see what else I'd missed when I saw, to my horror, a link to the new Point Break trailer. WHAT!?!?! I know! Who even knew there was new Point Break?! Maybe everyone knows, I am certainly no barometer of popular culture, but seriously, WTF?!

When I Googled this fucking schmozzle I was greeted by this article title: Point Break remake gets first trailer as fans of the original wonder why this is happening. I couldn't have put it better myself.

Obviously I watched the trailer. It went for 2:55 mins. At 1:22 I had already felt: UGH; Hahahahahaha how stupid; NO ONE CALLS YOU BODHI YOU ARE NOT BODHI!

The next 1:33 I just sat staring wondering why the eff this is happening. The new Point Break looks like heaps more action and heaps more stupid and I don't understand why they couldn't just make that movie and give it a different title and different names to the Bodhi and Johnny Utah characters and we could all peacefully continue living our lives. Why, for the love of God, WHY?!

This is probably just like that time I got upset about the new Footlose which, of course, because it was shit I never really had to think about after I first heard about it because no one ever spoke of it again. It is likely that is what will happen here. Some comedian called Max Silvestri tweeted "I love the movie Point Break but I've always wondered, "Would this be better if the leads had no charisma?" I'll find out this Christmas!" HAHA!

It's as if movie executives like to embrace challenge so hard they cast uncharismatic actors in stupid films while trampling all over what people in their 30s hold dear to their heart. Look, I like a professional challenge as much as the next person, but these guys are messing with lives.

See! This is why I don't look at Facebook, too many reminders of all that is wrong with the world.

This post is not about McConaughey (PM)

 It's funny, because as K says, you would totally think that Mitch Kramer was my type, "...a baby-faced Adidas loving awkward teen" that has me written all over it. And sure, who didn't love Mitch Kramer, making his way in this new high school world? But you know what with McConnaughey and Adam Goldberg being totally awesome and hilarious in that movie, as if I was paying much attention to Mitchey. Plus Wiley Wiggins always seemed like a poor man's Joseph Gordon Levitt to me. And when I say always, I mean, briefly, because it is not as if I think about him, except when I watch Dazed and Confused. And, as previously mentioned, I’m not even thinking about him that much when I watch it because I’m too busy waiting for McConnaughey to get on my screen.

My feelings about McConnaugey are complicated. I love him in D&C, but all that getting around shirtless and making of just unwatchable movies made him pretty off-putting. But he does seem to be redeeming himself with some actual decent films now. And did I mention Dazed and Confused? Yeah, McConnaughey, I guess you’re ok by me. 

So, sure Wiley Wiggins is not the guy he used to be, but at least he can be happy he didn't end up like Jason "Randal 'Pink' Floyd" London.

 

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Haiku impressions of the view from a depressing hotel room in Morwell. 

I

Smell of KFC.

You cross the Princes Highway.

And invade my room. 

II

Sign of Carlton Draught.

You make me want to drink a

Lot of Carlton Draught. 

Don't bullshit me Smiths (AM)

You know what I like? Chips.

You know what I don't like? Being bullshitted.

When a chip company makes a claim like they have produced an extra crunchy chip, I get excited.
Sure, lack of crunch has never impeded my chip eating experience,  but that doesn't mean extra crunch can't make it better, so when I saw Extra Crunchy chips at the store, I bought those babies without a second thought.

I'm sure you've all seen the ads. No? Don't worry, here's a rundown  which pretty much goes through the whole ad, in case the name 'Extra Crunchy Chips' doesn't tell you enough about what we're dealing with here.

From the first bite, I knew I had made a terrible mistake.

I don't know what I was expecting. The most delicious chip maybe? I can not tell a lie. I was pretty much totally expecting that these chips would be the most delicious chips ever - the greatest chip innovation since kettle chips - and they would make all the other snacks taste like tan bark. Why I thought this I can not say. Because I am a hopeless snack romantic? Probably.
Instead of being the most delicious chip, they are just a regular chip, maybe a little less salt than other chips which is a regression, not an improvement. They are not a chip innovation - they are bullshit! They taste like pure disappointment.
I tried three of the flavours and each was more disappointing than the last. I still have to try the chilli flavour, but I'm not holding my breath.  I'm such a fool to believe they have anything I need.

As I write this, I can totally picture J smirking as she is reading it. She will be smirking and shaking her head at my folly because she would never get caught up in that stupid chip dream factory. She would never ever believe that Extra Crunchy chips could be a thing. She is way too practical for that. And she's right. She's always been the sensible one. So its over to you mate. Tell us what you think of this Extra Crunchy malarkey. Tell us what I should have known all along.

WTF?! Wednesday (AM)

Hi guys.

We're back in Melbourne now. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Gosh Hobart was great. I know everyone knows that, but it must be said again. It really is great.

Real life is just as I remember, however. Some parts of it are great (people and stuff) and some parts are not so great. Remember how someone snapped the windscreen wiper off my car a few weeks ago? Well now some douche-b has broken my side mirror too.

People, please stop vandalising my car.  Your vandalism makes me sad and costs me money. If you are someone I know and you have a vendetta against me, lets talk about it! If you are not someone I know and are just randomly vandalising, please, go draw a cock like everyone else!

Thanks.

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Not my actual subconscious mind

Take my subconscious. Please!

I

You woke me up at

Four, to worry about things. 

Are you a moron?

II

Public holiday 

Benefits squandered. Some brain

You've turned out to be. 

III

Credit where its due:

When you played Enter Sandman 

In my head,  I laughed. 

I just have one question (PM)

Well now I feel really bad because my version of iPhone has had the second, fuglier font as the notes font all along! Which is why I very rarely use the notes function. I was going to say I only use it when I really really really need to remember something, or when I am drunk, but then I looked at the notes I have stored in my phone and I think maybe I only use it when I am drunk. Consider:

F all of YI:
Salmon stack, popular: this is quite a long note I took when the chefs at TOYS were talking about ther food. I thought it would help us write our TOYS blog post but none of it makes any sense nor triggers any memories.
Hotrod: That's all that note says. Hotrod. I have no idea why I wrote it or what it means. It was written in September though, during the AFL finals series, so maybe I was referring to Jimmy Bartel?
Why isn't Brendan Fraser...: The full text of that note reads: Why isn't Brendan Fraser in more stuff?
While I don't remember writing it, it's the only note that makes sense to me. Why isn't Brendan Fraser in more stuff? I love that guy!

I just have one question (AM)

Most of what I have heard about Steve Jobs is all that general stuff you hear about guys like that. Things that come from nowhere and everywhere I guess. He was: a perfectionist; a genius; a tyrant; great to work for; awful to work for; (insert whatever other generic genius CEO thing you like here).But then I heard an interview with his biographer and all those things were kind of fleshed out a bit.

This guy, Walter Isaacson, told a couple of stories that I think, in light of what I want to talk about, highlight the real mystery of Jobs. One thing he talked about was that Steve Jobs' dad really instilled a sense of the importance of perfection and aesthetics whether things were visible or not, so that when Apple made its first computers even the insides of those cute little babies were neater than any mother(board) you'd seen before, chips were lined up and screws chosen for their finish. I mean, dude wanted things just so. Apple is no doubt a producer of beautiful products. Right?!

Another story was about how when Steve had been kicked out of Apple in the eighties the company added arrow keys to the keyboard so people didn't always have to use a mouse. But Steve thought this was bullshit, that people should always use a mouse. And one time, when he was back at the top of the Apple tree, someone asked him to autograph an Apple keyboard and Jobs just ripped those arrow keys off it. Sheesh! You know what? I love arrow keys! Using a mouse all the time is bullshit. That is what is bullshit!

Anyway, I am just telling you this to highlight that, yeah, he was a perfectionist, an aesthete and a guy that wanted things his way. Even though I love arrow keys, I totally think that Apple is great. No doubt. That is why I am so goddamn confused as to how a thing like this was allowed to happen on his watch:

Do you see that font? That font used for the Notes on iPhone? It's disgusting. Here you have this attractive, functional little machine and if you want to write a note it looks like that! Ever since iPhone entered my life this has been tearing at my insides but I kept it to myself. But everything became too much when I saw the font used on iPad2 Notes. Yep, someone thought the font needed a little tweaking. But for some unknown reason instead of making it better they made it worse. You thought it wasn't possible? You were wrong!

Just watch something else instead

When I opened Miss Soft Crab this morning and saw the heading Mamma Mia!, I assumed you had seen the film Mamma Mia! and wanted to share your thoughts about how it is one of the all-time top films that should never have been made! Mate, as someone who is older than you, let me give you a piece of advice: don't see Mamma Mia! because Colin Firth, Meryl Streep, singing AND dancing can not redeem that pile of crap film, and unlike you, I actually like crap films.
I can't believe that the poster at your hot desk makes you want to see it! But I can believe 30 Rock would make you want to see it, just like it makes me want to eat Sabor de Soledad.
But mate, I think that what you're experiencing here is associational interest. Because your mind grapes are associating Mamma Mia! with 30 Rock,  you think maybe it's worth a look. This is exactly what happened with Jennifer Aniston married Brad Pitt. Who cared about Jennifer Aniston until she married mega-hunk Brad Pitt? No one, that's who. Ok, some people cared, but I didn't care. But when she married Brad Pitt, I started to not mind her. Who would have thought that it would all end with the way it did, with me having no interest in him and yet continuing to kind of not mind her. Obviously that's a bad example. I guess what I am trying to say is that you shouldn't see Mamma Mia!. The best that will happen is that you will kind of not mind it. Why don't you watch some 30 Rock instead!

My first lunchbreak post

So while reading your post, I pulled up another interweb tab and googled 'German Stats' because I wanted to remind myself what our German stats are. Obviously, I was not going to find the Miss Soft Crab reader stats by googling 'German stats' , but most of my brain is trying to do work leaving only some of my brain for fun things like reading your post and absolutely no part of my brain remaining to do things like follow up on MSC reader stats. Obviously by googling 'German stats' I did a really dumb thing. But it made me realise: I don't think I have enough brain to do all the things I want to do. And I'm not talking things like 'write a novel' or 'become the President of the Melbourne Football Club'. I mean just the basic, day to day things I might want/need to do while I'm at work. They say that if you want to get something done, you should get a busy person to do it. I don't think that's true. Seriously, please don't come near me when I am really busy. Also, why are these people looking for other people to do things for them? Do it yourselves!
But seriously, I guess it got me thinking that I really shouldn't be writing these blog posts at the same time as trying to do work. Because while googling something dumb is a pretty minor consequence of trying to do two things at once, one day I am going to really screw up because I am trying to do something that requires brain power when my brain is already fully committed.

Like, for example, maybe one day I will be working at a place where I have to deal with a lot of freaks, and maybe some of these freaks will be people I work WITH, and therefore maybe I will have to spend a lot of time mucking around with my like minded colleagues to make it bearable. Maybe one day one of these freaks will send a bunch of all-staff emails advising of problems they seem to be having with their phone. Maybe there will be about five emails in the space of an hour that say things like


10:00am "There seems to be a problem with my phone. If you are trying to get in touch, please email".


10:05am "I have called a technician to deal with the phone problem".


10:30am "The technician is here and thinks it's going to be a quick fix - should be back up in half an hour."


10:30am "Looks like it make take longer than expected".


10:40am "All fixed! My phone is back in action".



Maybe I will not be able to take it any more and will forward the last email to a like minded colleague who sits two desks away from me and write "Who the f*#k cares". Maybe I will carry on working and wait to see this colleague's shoulders start to rapidly move up and down, which is a tell-tale sign that he is laughing, but trying not to make any noise. Maybe, because I am concentrating at work and can't do two things at once, it will take me about half an hour to realise that I have neither seen the shoulders move, nor received a reply to the email.

Maybe then it will start to dawn on me that something has gone horribly wrong. Maybe then I will check my outbox and realise that I have hit the 'reply' button instead of the 'forward' button.

And maybe then my heart will drop in to the pit of my stomach and I will start quietly freaking out like I have never freaked out before. Maybe I will decide to bolt outside and call the person who wrote all the emails and just straight up apologise. Maybe I will do that. Maybe I will blurt out an apology. Maybe that person will advise me that they have just, and I mean the week before, stared dating someone that they have been chasing for years, thereby placing them on to some sort of cloud nine where things like personal insults made directly against them just roll right off. So maybe by some miracle it will actually turn out fine, but I will age about a year in the space of a day.

Or maybe none of that will happen, but I will just do a bad job at everything because I don't have heaps of brain to go around.

So from now on, I am just going to do a little blog post on my lunch break while I have no other distractions.
I guess this one is not so little, but I took an hour for lunch today, so you know.