2013: The year of the Crab

OMG you guys! It is so good to be back! We missed you. I hope you all had a great summer. Wanna hear about K's and mine? OK!

J: Mate! How the hell are you? How was your summer?

K: Mate, I am pretty great because summer was everything I hoped it would be and maybe a little more. 

How was yours?

J: Wow! WOW! That is great. My summer has been going pretty good. Better than I hoped? I don't know. Real good though!

K: Well that's a start. I think the reason mine has been so great is because I had a proper break from work, I did a bunch of things with a bunch of people and also had a nice rest. And I went away for a couple of nights.  And the weather has been rad.

J: Yeah, I have loved the way there have been some hot days but not millions in a row. It has mostly been consistently warmish but not boiling. I've had the chance to swim, walk around in shorts on balmy nights, dine al fresco. All the best summer things!

K: Yeah, I swam a bunch of times too, just like I planned to. It was lovely. But then I got an ear infection. So that was kind of a slap in the face from Summer.

J:   Yeah, that is not meant to happen after you are about 5, right? Well, Can't win 'em all I guess. So what else did you love about summer? Personally I loved my NYE. Taking Baby to the early fireworks.

Then coming home to this:

And finally watching all the city fireworks on the roof with LB and a G&T in hand. Pretty much the perfect night! 

K: I liked the time I rode a bike along the track next to the Upfield train line and then discovering that the boomgates were down, road it across a road.

I loved that so much.

I also loved the time I came home from work to discover Le Flav had sent me a bunch of treats from France, most of which don't exist any more.

J:  Oh, man. Sure, well done about the bike ride and everything but that package from Le Flav really is what is talking to me right now. So much so that I can't even think about anything else good that happened to me over the summer! 

K: Yeah, it had that affect on me too. 

Pause

We hosted a nice picnic together, remember? That was good!

Picnics are sooooo relaxing

J: Yeah, that picnic was really nice. And we had that nice dinner at the new Woodstock and pretended we were really neighbours.

A massive highlight was meeting the new baby of a couple of my favourite people!

K: Of course. The first of  the great babywave of 2013.  I hope all the new people that come this year are as lovely as she (seems to be in photos because I haven't had the pleasure yet...)

On the downside, seeing Les Miserables was a bit of a drag...

J: I'm sorry to hear that. I don't really have any down sides. Except I bought a new pair of runners I thought would change my life for the better. They haven't.

But on the upside, I think 2013 is going to be a pretty good year. First, the baby wave. Second, well, it's good to be positive a the start of the year. Third, we are shaking things up a bit around here.

A little bit.

K: Yeah! Just a little shake up because change is good but so too is easing it in nice and slowly.

Should we tell the readers what we've got in store Mate?

J: Maybe? Or maybe they should figure it out for themselves. Plus I don't want to write any cheques my butt can't cash. Plus, they only have to wait a few days to see the first change.

But you can tell them if you like.

K: Nah, you're right, let's let the people see for themselves. I don't want to write any cheques either, because I don't have a chequebook and also I am a little broke from all that summer spending.

J: Also, it is our first day back on the job and I am zonked after all this talking. Let's get the hell out of here!

K:  Don't need to ask me twice. See you tomozz, crab fans!

  

J:  It's good to be back!  Byesies!

What's going on? (PM)

How embarrassing that Miss Soft Crab has been embroiled in the fake Global knives racket, which is not actually a thing. This is a genuine blog readers, G.E.N.U.I.N.E! Accept no substitute!


I don't want to ruin the mood or anything, but maybe J passed over that horrifying murder in the French alps last week too quickly. You know the one - dead bodies found by the side of the road. Terrorised children found cowering. Your basic worst nightmare.

Perhaps this news story has really shaken the English people to their core, and at a time when they are super vulnerable because they probably let their guards down due to all the great things that have happened to them lately -  the royal wedding, the diamond jubilee, the olympics and that concert in Hyde Park where Blur played.

Maybe they feel so upset about it all that they have gone on the interwebs en masse  to remind themselves that France is a wonderful place, full of adorable things and attractive people, onc onc onc and naturally, Miss Soft Crab is there for them.

Assuming this is the reason, here's a little something for you, England. Hang in there, you guys.

We've never discussed it before, but Romain Duris is un grand hunk

French Bulldog, amongst the flowers. I can't stop looking at this guy. Look at his face! And imagine how warm his fur would be. He looks amenable to living in an apartment, don't you think?

What's going on? (AM)

Something strange has been happening at Miss Soft Crab lately. People have been visiting this site waaaaayyy more than usual. I’m not under any delusion that we have more readers, I think that for some strange reason people are searching for something and that something is bringing them here. What I have deduced is that: a) people are coming here from the UK; and b) they are looking for French things. Look across the water UK people! The Frenchies are right there!

How do I know who these people are and what they are looking for? Because we have bulk traffic coming from www.google.uk and because in the last week the term 'French things' has brought 120 views here! Does that sound like a lot to you? Well it is! In the days when only Ewan McGregor fans came here, the top search terms were things like 'Ewan McGregor smiling' with 13 page views coming off the back of that. The post French Friday has had 850 page views in the last week! Does that sound like a lot to you? Well it is! That is usually about two-thirds of our entire weekly blog traffic and now just one post has brought that here? WTF?

So I tried to figure out what was going on.I typed 'English interest in France' into Google but all it gave me was a bunch of sites about interest rates and a news story about 3 British citizens who were inexplicably shot dead in France. I'm pretty sure none of that has to do with Miss Soft Crab. THEN I typed 'French things' into Google, thinking that maybe people were typing it in for a reason. But all I got was the same lame things I got last time (Gauloise, French accents, balconies). But I did discover that if you image search French things you get that adorable picture you see above and it links to our post, even though I totally stole that image off the internet. And I do feel bad about that. So one small part of the puzzle is solved, but I still don't understand why people are so interested in French things right now.

On the other hand I do understand why a person may search 'Olympic hunk'. Although we have never written about Olympic hunks here, that search term has brought 3 people this way. I guess we probably use the word hunk more than any other website, so no surprises there, really.

Oh, and one more thing that brought people here in the last week was the phrase 'fake Global knife'. Um excuse me, but any Global knives you see pictured on this blog are the real thing! Ok?!

Napoleon exhibition: a Miss Soft Crab summary (PM)

Napoleon loved bees? I love bees! And I love that bee brooch. I want it! And I want to go see the Napoleon exhibition. I’m gonna. Even though I am slightly disappointed that Napoleon’s horse was not called David.

I think I should go see it for quite a few reasons in fact.

1.       Bees!

2.       Art!

3.       In my mind Napoleon will always look like this:

And now that I am in my early 30s I guess it is time that some of my historical knowledge comes from something other than Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Even if my life philosophy is still based on theirs.

I wish this said "BEE excellent to each other"

Napoleon exhibition: a Miss Soft Crab summary (AM)

I went to see the Napoleon exhibition at the NGV on the weekend.
Revolution!
Military things!
France!
It was very enjoyable actually. You should all go. But in case you don't make it, here are some of my favourite things about it, and some discoveries I made.

Young Napoleon was quite handsome! 
Before seeing the exhibition, I thought Napoleon was kind of boring looking, with a bent towards the smug, and obviously a very short man. Now I know that was only how he looked in the later years. As a young man, he was a total dish. See for yourselves, readers.

Nothing wrong with that, am I right? Men doing hoist enough flags these days if you ask me, nor look over their shoulders while wearing a sash.
Also, apparently he was 5 foot 6 inches tall. The same height as me! That's not that short people, give him a break.


Bees!
You know how most kings and the like favour symbols like eagles and lions to make them look powerful and what not? Well, perhaps the most endearing thing about Napoleon was that in addition to having the image of an eagle slapped all over his paraphernalia, he also had a bee as his special emperor symbol. Isn't that adorable? I think that's so adorable! Apparently he liked bees.

This is a bronze bee from the NB's coronation celebrations. CUTE!

The bit where I thought Napoleon's horse was called David!
Miss Soft Crab is a big fan of Davids. We love them in fact.  While looking at this picture, I noticed that it says David on Napoleon's horse's leather strappy thing, the one that is making a horizontal line in this picture.

You can't see it here, but trust me, it's there. When I noticed this,  I basically decided I loved Napoleon. Not only is he handsome and a bee fan, but he has a horse named David. Who cares that he made himself emperor and made members of his family Kings and Queens in a whole bunch of other places. He has a horse called David and that makes him OK by me.

Turns out the person who painted he portrait was called Jean-Louis David, and the horsie's name is unknown.

Oh well.

I liked lots of other things but these ones spring to mind. You guys should go!

French Friday (PM)

Mon dieu, Mate! You have inadvertently created the best AM/PM segue that a girl could ever hope for.

Remember how you were all dreaming of France and it was like:

<<pretty picture of  La Jean Seberg et le Jean-Paul Belmondo>>

<<pretty picture of les vegetables>>

<<pretty picture of les voitures>>


<< pretty picture of  la pain>>


<< pretty picture of  le fromage>>


Then you were all onc onc onc,  because you were picturing le Vincent Cassel?

Then you were all *vroom vroom* I am thinking about Grace Jones giant mouth with a citroen driving out of it?

Well check it out, here is an ad that combines Vincent Cassel AND a car. And not just any car, a Renault Clio which, for those readers who do not know, is my very own beloved car.

This ad makes me feel like I am practically going out with Vincent Cassel and to that makes me want to onc onc onc!  Even though Le Flav told me that only grandmothers drive Clios in France, I don't care! The ad tells me everything I need to know!
Viva la France!

French Friday (AM)

Don't worry guys, French Friday is not a new thing. It is just today's thing. It is Bastille Day Eve, after all. And I fully intend to eat a croissant for breakfast. Any excuse, ay? Usually that excuse is just that it is breakfast time so I feel pretty happy that I have the excuse of Bastille Day Eve today. Oh, that's not a thing? Oh, we are not French? Yes, I see.

Well, given that we are not French I decided I should find out a bit more about Frenchness. As you know I get all my knowledge from the Internet so I typed  'French things' into Google and I am heaps more smarter now.

You see, I found that wiki.answers had a list to answer the question, 'What are 50 French things?' Really? A person really asked that question? Whatever. Here are some items on the list:

Gauloise cigarettes (Onc)
French accents in English (Onc onc)
Balconies with flower pots (ummm)
Topless sunbathing (onc onc onc)
Cars
Weekend in the country in spring

As you  can see the list does degenerate into things that just exist in places. But France is a place so I guess, yep, cars and weekends away exist there.

If K hadn't mentioned Bastille Day the other day I probably wouldn't have thought twice about it. But now that I am thinking about it, or rather thinking about France, maybe you'd like to know what it looks like inside my brain right now?

ONC! ONC! ONC!

But mostly inside my brain looks like this:

VIVE LA FRANCE!

Reasons I will miss our French intern (PM)

God I wish I had a French intern at my work. I am telling you we have nothing of the sort. Nothing! Except for the old Spanish speaking man that cleans the office. He's pretty nice, I guess.

But hold on one goddamn minute! Why have I never heard about this Far before?! A custardy little cake Le Flav used to bake? Why would you tell me about the donkey sausage native to his region and not the cake?!?!?!

I met him once, readers. And he was everything you imagine a French intern to be. Handsome. Adorable. French. A little confused and a little confusing.

God, we should all be so lucky as to have one in our office!

The question raised by your tribute though, mate, is why Frenchies have such a reputation for style? Certainly when I met Le Flav he seemed like a very stylish youg man, but those shirts for his mother? Perhaps I am missing something?

Oh, Frenchies, why are you so adorable and French?! Perhaps we will never know.