Why I buy fashion magazines (AM)

 Oh, I mean why do I buy fashion magazines?

I don't do it often, and I do think I can see a pattern. Every few months I buy one. Either Vogue or Harper's Bazaar. Not that it's a rule, just looking at my magazines I see that is what I buy. I guess because they are big and glossy and full of fashion and not as trashy as the other shit out there. I think I buy them when a) a change in season makes me want to buy new clothes and rather than do that I buy a magazine for some inspiration or so that I can pretend I bought stuff without having to actually buy anything; or b) I want to do something with my hair and need inspiration. (This is in fact a constant state.)

HA. Great reasons, J. Yeah Vogue is going to give you some excellent hair inspiration. A bunch of models who have had their hair done for hours.  It's the Georg Jensen girls that always appeal to me.

First:

Now:

Sure, a couple of models with a bunch of product and people putting in time and energy and effort into their hair. I can't help feel that I'm never gonna look like that. And that no hair cut is going to look like that on me. Although, according to Carre Otis in the current issue of vogue, although her hair looked "shiny and full" as a young anorexic fucked up model her hair "was very dry and brittle from being teased and blown out...since I wasn't eating enough I'd lose lots of my hair in the brush and in the shower." Hey! Maybe there is hope for me after all!

But it's not just useless hair inspiration you can find in Vogue, of course there are fashion tips too, like this page giving great tips on how to get more leopard print in your life. 

Or this great coat. Only cost six grand. 

So why, why oh why do I buy them? What I tell you is not a surprise to me or you. The fact magazines are full of unattainable hair and faces and bodies and clothes is not new. I know before I hand over my eight bucks that I'm just buying a bunch of BS, and yet I still buy them and enjoy them. What the eff does Condé Nast know about my brain that I don't. Eeeeeeeew Condé Nast, get out of my brain. 

Pity the Fool (AM)

You know, I love food and cooking and talking about those things as much as the next person. Have you even read this blog? Lord knows you could ask any of my friends and all will tell you how I have bored them time and again with "stories" of things I made for dinner last night. (I'm sorry friends, I try to stop myself but I just can't!) But this sensation sweeping the nation, you know of food and cooking worship and wankery, it has got to stop!

The other day I was at a cafe and one of the items on the menu was "twice-shelled broad bean something". Do you know how many times you have to shell a broad bean to make it edible? Two times. And for those of you not mathematically minded that is the same as twice. I guess the kitchen decided that they should advertise this twice-shelled fact to appeal to a certain type of person. They should have called it 'adequately-shelled broad bean whatever'. That, at least would have bean been funny.

In case this wasn't indicative enough that things had gone too far there was no doubt left in my mind when I walked past Books for Cooks recently and had the displeasure of seeing a huge window display for a food magazine called Fool. Oh, not familiar with it? It looks like this:

"Food, insanity, brilliance & love" What? Seriously, what?!?

Enough said, right?

Please! It's enough to put me off my food. Of course I was so repulsed I had Google it immediately. It was then I discovered it was Swedish, which almost made me forgive it the ridiculous cover, stupid name and overall awfulness. I thought I would have to use all my will power to continue hating on it, but then I got to the website. 

Fool, the website tells us, is, "A cutting edge magazine on modern gastronomy and food culture. Fool is different from other 'food magazines' taking inspiration from fashion, design and culture. Visual. Thrilling. Made in Scandinavia."

I don't care if English is their second language, come on dudes, get a little subtlety.

One review, I read which claimed Fool "blew [their] socks off" wrote a whole paragraph about the magazine without actually saying anything about it at all.

Look, this isn't a science, I can't tell you what upset me so much about that magazine. Yes, it's the ridiculous name. The font. Ugh. And definitely, definitely the guy on the cover (Magnus Nilsson - a Swedish chef. He's so hot right now!) All I know is I hate it and it's making me hate food.*










*Not really I could never hate food, I just wanted to end with some drama.