I've always had black thumbs that have meant death for plants. I had a thriving cactus and succulent collection as a child. If not thriving, at least living. But that was so long ago. Since then I've tried a few things, tried to keep plants here and there, but always unsuccessfully. I've lived in houses with gardens, always over grown and, I thought, too far beyond my control and I was never really convinced I should bother with them. But some things changed. And by that I mean my living arrangements and attitudes rather than my thumbs.
Important factors include:
A few years ago LB's dad moved into a lovely Art Deco flat, sparsely furnished but with many house plants and it felt quite heavenly. It also had views of Sydney Harbour. I couldn't get the views but I could get house plants I thought.
And, K loves gardening. So that got me thinking...
Also I was living at my Mum's. She had the garden but I had the back steps and I thought I could garden in pots. The manageability of which was very appealing.
So I did it. Grew a cherry tomato plant that bore five whole cherry tomatoes. Which was really very exciting for me. I had enough mint and basil for my cooking. It was quite thrilling. As last winter came in I was optimistic, I planted garlic bulbs and rununculus too but I only grew one lone flower. Then I moved house.
Turns out those rununculus I planted in autumn 2013 flowered this winter. Seems like a sign.
The good thing about my garden now is that while there is a fair bit of it, the beds are of a manageable size. And I had someone else figure out what to do. In autumn Chickpea came over with knowledge and a plan and a dedication to weeding that I could not muster on my own and together* we got most of the front garden weeded and planted a small veggie patch. Oh sure only 2 spring onions grew and a couple of little lettuces. Carrots were never heard of again, nor were the peas. But the parsley... Boy can I grow parsley.
You can't really tell here but there is about a metre of parsley. Turns out we have so much parsley that several neighbours, unbeknown to me and uninvited, frequently come and help themselves to it. I know it now because they've been busted.
Parsley is obviously easy to grow and I'm not saying my thumbs have changed but on the weekend I did much of my spring planting.
The pond looked much better before hail chipped all the paint off on Tuesday
Nothing has had the chance to die yet so I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. But I'm a realist too. I'd just like to see a couple if tomatoes, maybe a strawberry this summer. Dare to dream I always say.
It's Friday! The last Friday of the month! And that means one thing around here. Hunk of the Month Club!!!! But check it out you guys, we know you don’t all have the enthusiasm for hunks we do, the enthusiasm most often seen in 13-year-girls. Some of you may have that enthusiasm for babes! And if you generally don’t have enthusiasm for hotties, maybe you should just come back next week.
Anyway, as if we don’t alienate many of you enough, what with our constant chatter of hunks, grooming, clothes, food and emotions, we introduce Hunk of the Month Club. Sorry. So we thought it was time to introduce BABE OF THE MONTH CLUB. Actually, Midbro suggested it to K months back, long enough ago that I think we can now claim it as our own idea. Of course it won’t be monthly, it’s more like, Triannual Babe Day. Anyway welcome to our first ever.
J: So, Mate, our first BotMC and we have chosen K-Stew, perhaps
controversial, among ourselves as much as among the wider community,
but there is just something about her I kind of love. Sure, when I
first saw her, in Panic Room, all I thought was "Is that a girl or a
boy?" When I saw her in Into the Wild I thought "Who is that really
pretty girl hanging out with Emile Hirsch? Bitch" And when I saw her in the first two Twilight movies I
thought "Has there ever been a more annoying, nauseating character in
film before?" But when I saw The Runaways, everything kind of changed
for me.
HOT!
K: Is K-Stew in Into the Wild? I didn't even know that. You're not thinking of that girl who was in Donnie Darko and who's name is a lot like Jenna Moroney, but is something else?
Nope, I just checked IMDB - you're right, K-Stew is in Into the Wild. (As is Jena Malone). Evidently I don't remember that film terribly well. I just remember it being really sad and Emile Hircsh being a real babe.
But enough about me and my memories. Lets talk about me and K-Stew. My introduction to K-Stew came with the first Twilight movie. I have never read the books, so knew nothing about this Bella Swan bird or Sparkleface or that there was a Team Wolf and one day, I would be a card carrying member of that team (it's not a real team).
I was so naive back then, I had no idea what a pile of hilarious BS Twilight was, and how K-Stew's Bella was at the centre of all that steaming BS. It didn't take long though. A few minutes in and I really started to hate on Bella and by default, K-Stew.
And I have to say, I only saw The Runaways because I thought it would be good to hate on K-Stew a little more. But just as you say Mate, the hate stopped pretty quick smart.
J: Yeah,
Emile Hirsch is a total babe in Into the Wild. That guy should work more!
But, back to The Runaways. In the words of Joan Jett I love rock n'
roll. And I love hating on annoying people so I guess that is why saw
the film too, I totally thought I would hate on K-Stew, but I didn't. I
loved her! Firstly, she is really pretty. Secondly, I loved how in every
second scene she was standing up and zipping up her pants cause she was just doing it with someone or pissing on something! I LOVED
THAT! I loved it!
So HOT!
K: She was kind of great, wasn't she? So great that I'm pretty sure I
didn't think of Bella Swan once while watching it. And at some point
after it, I realised that I didn't want to say "UGHHGGHHHHHHH" every
time I saw a picture of her. Things had changed.
J: Yeah, I mean I'm sure Joan Jett has a lot to do with my feelings for
K-stew but that's ok. I also think there may be some Team Wolf
transference. You know affection by association
HOT!!!
K: For me, liking K-Stew requires me to overcome my incredulity that
someone like Jacob could actually like someone like Bella. He is a WOLF
and she is basically a Pomeranian. It's sick and gross and mother nature
would be spewing if she knew about it.
But nevertheless. Seeing The Runaways led to the silence of the
hate, which meant that a few months ago, when you said something to me,
Mate, I was open to hearing it. Do you remember what that this was?
J: Oh, look, I am as opposed to Jacob's obsession with Bella as much as the
next person. Nothing seems more unnatural. I'm just saying I think
there may be some subconscious connection my brain is making and a
transference of affection/attraction.
Anyway, no, I don't remember what I said. Was it something along the lines of "Have you watched the Snowhite and the Huntsman preview yet? It looks freaking awesome and I think I love K-Stew!"?
K: HAHA. No, it wasn't that. But you were right about the preview for Snow White and the Huntsman.
No, it was when you were reading Twilight and you couldn't
comprehend how annoying Bella was. I think I nodded and made some kind
of sound that indicated I agree with you but, knowing I hadn't read the
books, you went further.
"No, Mate," you said, "You don't understand. You know how annoying Bella is in the
movies? Well that's nothing compared to how annoying she is in the
books. The book version of Bella makes the movie version of Bella
seem tolerable. For K-Stew to be able to pull that off makes me think
she must be some kind of wizard."
It was a real lightbulb moment for me.
J: Oh, yeah. I was getting to that. People, Bella Swan in the Twilight
books is truly the most repulsive character I have ever come across
ever. The most repulsive. And I have read all of Bret Easton Ellis's
books. She is the most passive, uncharmingly self-effacing, worst dressed character I
have ever had the displeasure of reading and the fact that K-Stew makes
her even vaguely watchable speaks volumes of the magic of K-Stew.
K: Gosh, I really don't want to read Twilight.
Ok, so lets recap.
watching Twilight makes one hate K-Stew
watching The Runaways silences the hate
reading Twilight makes one respect K-Stew
But there is a missing link here. I don't think we would have
gone from hating on K-Stew so hard to making her our very first Miss
Soft Crab Babe of the Month if it hadn't been for a certain someone who
blew that K-Stew trumpet loudly and consistently from day one: Chickpea.
J : It's true, Chickpea has long been a champion for K-Stew and her
enthusiasm is infectious! No doubt. But you know sometimes you just need
the seed to be sown and true love can bloom!
You know what else I've kind of come to love about her, even though I
hate it on Bella Swan, that little half smile. When she does it as
Bella I think, shit Bella, grow some balls, just smile or don't! But
when I see K-stew do it I think it is kind of adorable! Is there
something wrong with me?!
K: The problem is Bella. She basically ruins
everything for everyone. At least, that's the hypothesis we should test
against when we go see Snow White and the Huntsman next
week. Because the truth is: everyone can see that K-Stew is a
serious babe, but one who's babe-integrity is seriously compromised by
that goddamn whiner Bella Swan.
Choose Jacob you stupid, stupid girl!
J: Imagine if K-Stew didn't play Bella Swan! We'd probs all be
totally in love with her for real. I think that the truth will all be
revealed when we see SWATH next week, you're right. And I can't effing
wait to see it!
So I guess that basically K-Stew is our very first Babe of the Month
because, despite playing the most annoying character in history, she has
captured our imagination. Moreover, that gives her the
repulsive/attractive thing so crucial to so many hunks! It's a classic combo and I guess she's nailed it!
When I was going to Golden Plains this year I picked Legsly up from Geelong train station so we could go together. I was down that way and I was the one with the car so she caught the train down to meet me for a ride. She told me a story about the train ride during which, while stopped at a train station, three rowdy youths ran up to the train and drew cocks on the window of the stationary train. Just stationary for the drop off and pick up. All three of the guys. Now that is dedication to drawing cocks. God, how I wish I'd been there!
Chickpea wrote to me a little while ago with the message "Are you still collecting them" with this picture attached:
Cute isn't it?! And then I realised that I hadn't found a picture
like that worth photographing in a long time. I told Chickers I hadn't
found any good ones lately and the very next day she sent me this one. I like it because of its crudity. The simplicity of it.
Someone just thought yep, I'm gonna draw a cock and then they knocked one out.
Anyway, I guess I'm not the only one interested in finding cock. Let's see what K has to say about it!
K: Thanks mate, I do have some things to say about found cock. As you say, at its simplest FC is about somewhere someone saying yep, I'm gonna draw a cock. And that's OK by me. So natural and spontaneous. I mean, who among us can say they have never been swept by that mood?
Of course, this is harder to do if you're a
perfectionist, like I assume the person who made the following FC is:
This seems to me to be the creation of someone who doesn't like to draw outside the
lines. Great that he/she is having a go but geez guy/girl, have a little
fun with it!
J: Yeah, losen up.
Still, I appreciate that there is room for the
spontaneous and the more premeditated. Like this cock o' rice that
Chikpea and I saw a picture of shortly after I realised it was time to
start collecting again.
K: Nyuck nyuck nyuck. Cock o' rice. Way to have fun at work, whoever did that!
You know who else is having fun? These little punks, who used found materials to create something quite special:
Strictly speaking, it's more found poon than found cock, but it's totally in
the spirit of what we're talking about here today. When I stumbled
across these guys at work, I felt like I had just discovered Basquait.
This, from folks so young? Unbelievable. I can not wait to see how their
work develops.
J: Well, while we are off cockic
topic and talking about men at work, check out this babycino Baby received when we were in Sydney a while ago!
Naturally Baby could not wait to get stuck into it.
K: HAHAHAHA. People can be so great.
Such as your Mum, mate. As evidenced at passover dinner, when
she turned a blind eye while we laughed and laughed because the
horseradish on the seder plate looked so much like a cock.
Due to technical difficulties we can not show you the horseradish from our seder plate. Luckily horseradish cock and balls are not rare, thank you Internet for providing this replacement.
We didn't make it so, the earth made it so! We just bore witness.
J: HAHAHA! Yeah, that horseradish
cock was such a good one. Cocks of nature! An accidental cock is almost
better than one put there by design. I mean they are the true found cock, right?! Take this piece of cock rock that I found at the same place as the cock o' rice. These pink phalluses were on every table! What?
But I think my favourite accidental was this one:
The projection of a microphone onto the shirt of a groom giving a speech.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!
K: I don't think we can top that, Mate.
But that won't stop us searching, always searching, for the next
FC. And readers, please take up the search yourselves, if you haven't
already. Perhaps some of you have some FCs of your own you'd like to
share? If so, please post them on the Miss Soft Crab Facebook page - I'm
sure I speak for the whole Crab community when I say we would love to
see them.
J: It's true. That last one is gold. But I would love to finish up with something a little classic. In fact it is something that Russeth did and I saw it in a Facebook album of G-Force's from a recent fishing trip they went on with some other cats. I really love the simpleness of the drawings, and that the whole thing is so complete. You know? I just think it is the purest example of cock vandalism.
